Apologizing to someone can be one of the most difficult things in the world for some people.
I know it can be for me.
It’s one thing to realize you’re wrong, but to actually suck it up and APOLOGIZE is
a whole other ball game.
I’ve seen marriages in which NOBODY apologized for anything, which created a toxic environment
that led to a series problematic implications.
If this sounds like a situation you’re in, or if you believe you have difficulty apologizing
to your spouse, then you’re watching the right video!
Quick introduction here – my name is Brad Browning and I’m YouTube’s foremost marriage
saver.
In fact, my “Mend The Marriage” premiere online course has sold thousands of copies,
and I’m proud to say that I’m responsible for saving thousands of marriages as well.
So if you’re even a little bit interested in building a stronger, happier relationship
with your spouse, then do yourself a massive favor and subscribe to my YouTube channel
by clicking the link right below here.
But back to the topic at hand.
Have you ever apologized to a person only to have it fall flat?
Maybe you’ve heard your spouse say, “That wasn’t an apology – that just wasn’t
good enough!”
Or worse, you just don’t apologize to your spouse at all.
Admitting when you’re wrong is a huge first step like I said at the beginning of this
video, but often times, how you apologize can be an important factor in whether the
apology is effective or not.
In fact, there are a ton of apology mistakes that couples commit that can lead to massive
conflicts.
Take one of my clients, Scott and Stephanie for example.
I asked Scott to tell me how Stephanie apologized to him after she had forgotten to feed the
dog the other day.
He replied, “Her apology wasn’t an apology at all.
She told me she was sorry for forgetting to feed the dog, but then proceeded to blame
me for not reminding her.”
In Scott’s case, he did nothing wrong, but Stephanie pointed the finger at Scott’s
direction anyways.
Because of it, Scott felt like her apology fell flat and he became upset.
What was wrong with her apology?
Well, after analyzing a few more of their disputes, I concluded that Stephanie constantly
blamed Scott for all the wrongdoing in their relationship.
While she “apologized” when she felt like she had to, she immediately took some of the
blame and directed it at Scott for absolutely no reason at all.
And not only that, Stephanie expected Scott to apologize to her as well even though he
did nothing wrong.
This is extremely common in marriages and many people tend to avoid blaming themselves
for their own marital issues.
Another huge apology faux pas is coming up with numerous excuses for your own bad behavior.
In the case of Scott and Stephanie, I noticed that when Scott apologized to Stephanie for
any wrongdoing, he would immediately follow up his apology with a multitude of excuses
that barely made any sense.
For example, just the other day, Scott had forgotten to text Stephanie about where he
was on Sunday afternoon.
Scott apologized to Stephanie for this slip up, but then immediately followed up with
“…I just forgot my phone in the car”.
Instead of taking the brunt of the blame, Scott deflected and came up with a lame excuse
for why he simply forgot to text Stephanie back.
This made Stephanie angry and an argument ensued.
If Scott just sincerely apologized for not texting Stephanie back without coming up with
a string of bad excuses, the argument wouldn’t have happened and both parties would have
been happy.
Finally, another mistake I commonly see is when the apologizer expects an immediate and
unconditional forgiveness.
Depending on the severity and frequency of the mistake, forgiveness isn’t something
that can simply happen overnight.
So instead of impatiently waiting for your spouse to forgive you, PROVE your apology
by talking the talk and walking the walk.
You see, when you do something wrong to break the trust of your spouse, you have to earn
it back, and the only way that trust will be restored is through good behavior.
If you’ve done something wrong, apologize and take action to FIX this wrongful behavior.
Now, these are just some of the most common mistakes that people make when apologizing
to his or her spouse.
If you want to learn more about marital conflict resolution, then head over to MarriageGuy.com
and watch the free video presentation there.
In it, I cover some of the most powerful tips for apologizing effectively, and I’ll share
with you my “Dispute Diffusing” tactic that will prevent arguments and conflict before
they even occur.
Again, the URL for that video is MarriageGuy.com.
So how DO you apologize effectively?
What makes an apology heartfelt, memorable, and most of all, sincere?
Here are a few proven tips that will help you make sure that your spouse knows you MEAN
it when you apologize.
1.)
Be specific – When apologizing, don’t simply say “I’m sorry” and move on.
Sorry for what?
What specific actions did you do wrong to hurt your spouse?
A heartfelt apology isn’t two words long, it’s a few sentences.
Keep this in mind the next time you make your next apology.
2.)
Take full responsibility – Don’t do what Scott did earlier in this video.
When you do something wrong, take the brunt of the responsibility.
Pointing fingers and deflecting are what children do – adults take the blame and move on.
3.) Make eye contact when you apologize – I used to NOT make eye contact when I apologized,
until I realized how insincere it made me look.
You know how they say you can tell someone is lying because they aren’t making eye
contact with you?
Well, you can tell an apology is insincere when that person isn’t making solid eye
contact with you either.
Little changes in behavior such as this can have a huge impact on how your spouse receives
your apology. 4.)
Talk about how important he or she is to you – When someone wrongs you, it almost seems
like they don’t care about you, or that you take ‘second place’ in the back of
their mind.
And this feels awful.
To make sure your spouse DOESN’T feel this way, tell him or her how important they are
to you during your apology and I promise you it will feel much more heartfelt.
5.)
Offer a solution – Always end your apology with a valid course of action.
You often hear stuff like, “I promise I won’t do that again”… but a better way
to go about it is to ask, “how can I make it up to you?”
Your spouse needs to feel like you feel guilty about what happened, and one of the best ways
to show them this is to DO something for them… so help them out by offering something in
return.
Now, these 5 tips aren’t the end of the battle.
Once you apologize, you obviously have to live up to your promise to “never do it
again” and make it up to your spouse.
But you also have to realize that your spouse might still be emotional about what happened.
Depending on how severe your mistake was, you need to let your spouse process your apology
properly.
He or she might still accost you or criticize you for what you did wrong, but you must never,
ever make excuses or give your spouse any unneeded “attitude.”
For example, I know a lot of husbands and wives that will say stuff like, “I apologized
already!
Why are you still angry??”
or “I said I was sorry, what more do you want from me?”
These kinds of statements do not help the situation.
Remember, an apology doesn’t act as a “get out of jail” free card – it’s only the
BEGINNING of a healing process that must immediately take place directly after the apology.
But that’s for another topic for another day!
Once again, if you want to learn more psychological tips and tricks that will help you build a
stronger and lasting marriage, then head on over to MarriageGuy.com and watch the free
video presentation on that website.
I’ve also been getting a TON of emails asking me if there’s more room in my online marriage
coaching program…
to check to see if I’m available for hire, just head over to MarriageGuy.com/coaching
to see if there slots vacant.
If there are, I highly encourage you to sign up as space is extremely limited.
Alright, that’s all for now, folks!
Talk to you soon.