[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> EARLIER TODAY "SUITS" ACTRESS
MEGHAN MARKLE MARRIED SOME UNEMPLOYED DUDE WHO LIVES WITH
HIS GRANDMA. A REPORT FOUND 86% OF PEOPLE
ARRESTED IN NEW YORK FOR MARIJUANA POSSESSION ARE BLACK
OR LATINO. WELL, DUH.
WE'RE THE ONLY ONES THEY SEARCH. THAT'S LIKE SAYING THE ONLY
PEOPLE THAT HAVE STDs ARE THE PEOPLE THAT TAKE TESTS FOR STDs.
WE ARE NOT THE ONLY ONES WHO CARRY DRUGS.
IF COPS SEARCHED WHITE DUDES IN CARGO SHORTS PRISON WOULD LOOK
LIKE A DAVE MATTHEWS CONCERT. YOU KNOW, PEOPLE ARE TALKING
ABOUT NEEDING DIVERSITY IN HOLLYWOOD.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE WE NEED DIVERSITY?
JAIL. FORGET OSCARS ARE TOO WHITE.
PRISONS ARE TOO BLACK, COLIN. >>> A NEW REPORT SELECTED THE
FITTEST CITY IN THE COUNTRY TO BE ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA, WHILE
THE LEAST FIT CITY WAS ONCE AGAIN MAN BOOBS, LOUISIANA.
>>> AMERICAN AIRLINES REVISED THE GUIDELINES TO BAN PASSENGERS
FROM BRINGING GOATS AND HEDGEHOGS ON BOARD AS EMOTIONAL
SUPPORT ANIMALS. MEANWHILE AT SPIRIT AIRLINES
IT'S STILL A FULL-ON NOAH'S ARK. >>> A NONPROFIT GROUP ANNOUNCED
PLANS TO CREATE A LIBRARY ON THE MOON.
COOL, SAID KIDS IN CHICAGO. >>> POLICE IN PHILADELPHIA SAY A
6-YEAR-OLD GIRL DISCOVERED A BAG OF COCAINE IN ANOTHER STUDENT'S
BACKPACK. THE STUDENT WAS BRINGING THE
COCAINE IN FOR SHOW AND TELL -- TELL, TELL!
>> THAT'S A NICE ONE. >> THAT'S SWEET.
>> KIDS WANT COCAINE. >> REALLY SWEET.
>> THIS IS THE LAST EPISODE OF THE SEASON.
THERE WERE A LOT OF JOKES WE TRIED AND SOME WERE DEEMED TOO
OFFENSIVE TO DO ON AIR. >> WE DECIDED SINCE IT IS THE
END OF THE YEAR WE ARE GOING TO DO SOME ANYWAY.
HOW ABOUT THAT? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THE BOY SCOUTS OF AMERICA AGREED THIS WEEK TO ALLOW GIRLS
INTO THEIR ORGANIZATION BECAUSE SOMEBODY'S GOT TO SEW THOSE
BADGES ON. NOW, AGAIN THESE JOKES ARE
OFFENSIVE. THAT'S WHY WE WON'T TELL THEM ON
AIR. >> THESE ARE ONES WE WON'T BE
TELLING. >> A RESTAURANT IN TEXAS HAS
CREATED A CONTROVERSY BY PUTTING PICTURES OF BRUCE JENNER ON THE
MEN'S ROOM DOOR AND CAITLYN JENNER ON THE WOMEN'S
ROOM DOOR. WORSE, THEY CALLED THE HANDICAP
DOOR ROB. >> YOU CAN'T DO THAT JOKE.
YOU CAN'T. YOU CAN'T DO THAT ON TV.
>>> PENNSYLVANIA POLICE ARRESTED A ONE-ARMED WOMAN WHO
WAS TRYING TO ROB A BANK. POLICE SAY THE HARDEST PART WAS
FIGURING OUT HOW TO HANDCUFF HER.
NOW THAT'S -- THAT'S JUST YOU CAN'T SAY THAT.
>> PORNHUB -- THIS IS VERY EXCITING.
PORNHUB HAS RELEASED THEIR PARODY OF THE MUSICAL
"HAMILTON." IN THE PORN VERSION "HAMILTON"
ABSOLUTELY THROWS AWAY HIS SHOT. >> NEW YORK DAILY NEWS PUBLISHED
AN EDITORIAL CALLING FOR NEW YORK TO LEGALIZE MARIJUANA
SAYING THE CURRENT LAWS PRIMARILY HURT PEOPLE OF COLOR,
BUT SINCE IT IS THE DAILY NEWS THE HEADLINE READ, "POT CIGS
CATCH NIGS." NOPE.
>> WENT BETTER THAN WHEN I DID IT.
>>> THE PLASTIC SURGERY OBSESSED WOMAN KNOWN AS CAT WOMAN HAS
FILED FOR BANKRUPTCY. DON'T WORRY.
FROM THE LOOKS OF HER, THIS IS ONE CAT WHO ALWAYS LANDS ON HER
FACE. WITH WEEKEND UPDATE I'M COLIN
JOST. >> I'M MICHAEL CHE.