- I didn't realize that I was being abused.
I thought that I was being strong
with a complicated person.
And that was kind of what was being fed to me,
you know, and then I think I was already mad
and I was already alone.
This person made me feel like we were gonna go
on this great adventure of freedom and experimentation
and it was very, very far from that.
It was the opposite of freedom.
[soft, solemn music]
Looking back on my relationship now,
it was a textbook domestic violence relationship.
When I read about domestic violence,
it's like reading an autobiography.
The message I want to get out now
is I want to name them, but I can't.
I think domestic violence was, is,
so normalized, and was normalized to me
that I couldn't see a crime being committed,
when it was being committed.
I just didn't know, I was so young.
I didn't know that you could be raped by your partner.
And even if I did know that,
I don't think I would've thought
that anybody would ever believe me
because how do you prove that?
Part of the conditioning when you're in that relationship
is believing that it's your fault
and that you've done something to deserve this.
What people don't tell you is
there's a period where everything's fine,
or seemingly fine,
and this person's treating you like a princess,
and they're grooming you.
They're luring you into this illusion
of safety and stability.
And if you're already kind of an angry, lonely kid,
that just reinforces kind of everything
you're already feeling.
They present themselves as the savior
and then something happens, and it's shocking,
and you feel like, "What happened?
"This person that I love that's so nice just did this
"and it was so out of character.
"It must've been me.
"I must've done this."
If I hadn't had acting,
and I think one of the reasons why I was so good at it
was because I didn't have any other way
to let out feelings or emotion.
And if I did, it was on myself.
I sort of gave up autonomy over my body and my image
and my wants and just tailored them to whoever I was with
'cause that's what I was sort of trained to do.
And so you start to go, "Okay, but what about me?
"What about who I am and what about what I want?"
And I think because I did well in my career,
no one wanted to hear about my problems
and so I kept them all in.
That then sort of segued into much more dangerous
self-destructive behavior later on in life.
- [Producer] Let's talk about sexuality.
- Let's do it! [laughing]
- [Producer] Do you feel more comfortable now in your body?
- [laughing] I do, you know?
I was always like a tomboy,
and I was, still, was, pale and skinny.
I felt really awkward and gangly
when I was a teenager and a kid.
I'm still waiting for my boobs to come in. [laughs]
I did go through a phase in middle school
where I was kinda like, "Why does everybody else?
"What's happening?" [laughs]
Because what I thought was beautiful
was you're tan and you're voluptuous
and I just wasn't any of those things.
So, then, when I finally had that time
where I could be myself...
I took a break from acting, and took a break
from everything, just went to explore.
And then I realized, oh.
I'm actually pretty great just the way I am.
And I really feel seen, and this is really cool,
and what a great feeling.
I'd always worn boys' clothes when I was a kid,
and always wanted to dress more masculine,
but was just too scared and then
once I came out it felt like I had permission to do that.
I started to like my body even more
because it kind of felt like it really fit
who I wanted to be, and who I was.
And I liked my small boobs,
and I liked the way my shirts fit,
and I liked being able to sort of
straddle this line of masculine and feminine,
and I liked that there were parts of my body
that were really feminine,
and parts that were kind of strong and masculine.
I was like, oh, I've actually been given
the perfect body for who I am.
I think we don't realize how much shame
has an effect on our body and our sexuality
and our confidence and our mental health.
I remember when I first started to have sexual encounters
I wouldn't let anybody take my shirt off.
'Cause I was ashamed of my body.
Like, when you really think about that,
what a sad thing.
It's your fucking body!
It's so great, it can do so many things.
Like, it's there to enjoy,
and I couldn't even share it with
my most intimate partner, and that was sad.
But I knew that I liked girls, I think when I was 12,
is when it really hit me to the point where
I thought I was gonna have a panic attack.
[laughing] I was like, oh no! [laughs]
But I still hadn't come out of the closet yet,
so I still didn't really get that
there was a reason why I was always Sporty Spice.
I think in high school, I learned about bisexuality,
and I thought, oh!
Wait, that's allowed?
The difference that would've made in my life
if I had been able to grow up and just
like whoever I liked, and had more of an understanding
of what I was feeling?
And I still really wasn't having relationships with girls.
That didn't really happen until later in life.
Was like, okay, I know this is a part of me.
I really haven't explored it fully,
and I want to do that.
So, that's what I did,
and I got my best pair of Doc Martens
[laughing] and I moved to the Lower East Side of New York,
and, you know, had a great time
just discovering who I was,
and immersing myself in the queer community,
and feeling what that was like,
and feeling like I'd found my tribe,
but then also feeling like
my tribe was slightly against me because I was bi.
And even though I didn't have language for that,
I felt it, and I knew that no-one was really seeing me.
I'm very confident in my sexuality now,
and it did change, again, my relationship to my body,
because I could let go of a lot of shame.
I think we don't realize how much shame
has an effect on our body and our sexuality
and our confidence and our mental health.
I've thought a lot about what my son will think
when he learns, or is able to fully understand,
everything about me.
Part of the reason why I do what I do
and why I fought so hard and why I have been so honest
is because that's what I want him to do,
and that's who I want him to be,
and that's what I hope I'm passing onto him.
I didn't realize that after I got pregnant
and had a baby that it would be like
being given a completely different body,
because it changes the makeup of your brain.
It changes the makeup of your body.
It was like going from standard to widescreen,
and suddenly I felt like I had superpowers.
I could feed my baby, you know, with these breasts
that I used to feel so insecure about in middle school,
and suddenly they were Ds!
And here were these boobs that
I'd always been curious about,
and suddenly I had them and I was like,
I don't like it! [laughs]
I loved that they were there,
and I had this amazing milk supply,
and I could feed my child, but
I actually ended up wanting them to go back down.
I really did feel beautiful when I was pregnant.
Not all the time, obviously.
But for the most part, yeah.
I felt like everything about my makeup as a human
was changing, right?
Every cell of my body was changing,
and it was getting rewired, and it was like...
I don't even know how to explain it,
but it just changed everything.
It was like the ultimate test.
The ultimate thing that I felt like I could do with my body.
I don't think it's the ultimate thing
that makes you a woman, but for me personally,
I knew that I wanted this experience,
and I thought it was just so incredible
my body was able to do.
And I just feel like I've never been the same.
I've never been the same.
I didn't really grow up in an environment
where people talked about their feelings.
Emotionally, there was just no communication,
unless it was written for me in a script.
Then I felt safe enough to emote.
I think I just adapted to pleasing everybody else,
and giving everybody what they wanted,
and making people happy, and not realizing
that I was kind of setting myself up
for later in life being in relationships
where I did the same thing.
The more we're able to really have honest conversations,
the more we're gonna connect,
the more we're gonna heal, the less shame we're gonna have.
Honestly, it's just as moving to have people
really listen to you, you know?
[quiet piano note ringing]