today we're going to be talking about the concept of assertiveness what it is and just as
importantly what it isn't hi everyone in today's video we're going to be talking about the concept
of assertiveness and how assertiveness differs from other interpersonal styles like being passive
or being aggressive but before we get into that just a couple of disclaimers to go over
i'm a registered psychologist in the province of british columbia canada
and this video is for informational purposes only it is not intended as a substitute or replacement
for advice from your doctor or mental health professional now with those two things out of
the way let's start talking about assertiveness now assertiveness is an important concept and
something i'll often address with my clients who are experiencing anxiety and depression because
the way we interact and the way we relate to people can have a big impact on how we feel
so it's really important to get a sense of whether or not the way we're interacting with others is
effective and really that's what assertiveness is it's kind of the the most effective form
of interpersonal relations and interpersonal interactions but in order to understand
assertiveness i think it's important to understand how assertiveness differs from other interpersonal
styles like being passive or being aggressive and the way i like to think about these different
interpersonal styles is to think about how they differ based on a few criteria and a few different
aspects of these interpersonal styles so things like posture or sort of non-verbal body language
behaviors thoughts emotions and the goals that a person has using these different interpersonal
styles so let's talk about let's first start with talking about what it means to be passive
and the passive interpersonal style because this is the one that i most often see with my clients
when i'm working with them if they're experiencing anxiety or depression so when a person is passive
when they have this passive interpersonal style think about what their body language
looks like so they may make themselves smaller may try not to stand out avoid eye contact speak
really softly don't really want to draw a lot of attention to themselves
the behavior associated with the passive interpersonal style is to kind of avoid
sharing my opinion avoid expressing my thoughts or my ideas i'll be very agreeable
with other people i'll agree with what they say i'll try to do what they want me to do
the the the idea is i'm acting in a way that is very much for other people and not for myself
some of the thoughts associated with being passive are
my opinions aren't really that important my my views don't really matter or my views
may not even be right and that i put more sort of trust and belief in other people's opinions or i
think to myself that other people's opinions or rights are more important than mine the emotions
associated with being passive are sort of a mix so it can be a lot of kind of anxiety and concern of
you know what what if i say something and it really upsets other people and they
they get angry and they think badly of me so there's this kind of anxiety about expressing
how i feel in case it offends other people but it can also be associated with a sense of frustration
and helplessness like i'm never getting what i want i'm never able to share my views or my
thoughts and that can be really frustrating and aggravating and i can get down on myself
about the fact that i'm never really getting what i want and i never really express what i want
and the goal of being passive well the goal of being passive is to avoid conflict
the goal is try to avoid arguments or fights do what other people want me to do and don't really
and that ends up in me not really getting what i want but in some ways that's okay i guess
because i've avoided a fight or a conflict so if you have this interpersonal style you
probably have a pretty good idea of of why that can be quite unfulfilling and quite unsatisfying
because you never really get what you want and you never really get to express what you think or how
you feel and so it's almost like your behavior and your life is determined by what other people
want and and that's not always a good feeling because it feels like i don't really have
any sense of control over my life so when i'm working with my clients and we talk about
the passive interpersonal style a lot of times they can relate to it and then i ask them okay
what would be an assertive interpersonal style how would you behave if you were more assertive and
most of the time what ends up happening is people don't describe the assertive interpersonal
style what they describe is the aggressive interpersonal style and so when you think about
aggressive let's think about an aggressive interpersonal style based on these criteria
as well so when a person is aggressive think about their body language body language is one of
kind of making themselves big domineering kind of a loud powerful voice maybe kind of yelling to get
your point across and if there's eye contact that eye contact is almost like locking on to
the other person like i'm staring the person down in a way to try to intimidate or domineer
the other person the behavior tends to be one of yelling shouting maybe
talking over top of people i'm going to express my views i'm going to dominate the conversation
with what i think and i'm not really going to let other people have their views or their opinions so
if someone else starts talking and i disagree with them i immediately jump in interrupt them and tell
them why what they're doing is was wrong or what they're thinking is wrong and why i am right
so the thoughts associated with being aggressive is my opinions and my views are the right ones
and that they're the only opinions and only views that should matter that other people's
opinions and views don't really count what i know is right and what i'm doing is right and they need
to see things my way now the emotions associated with this aggressive interpersonal style there's
kind of two phases sometimes and so in the moment the person feels really kind of powerful
and kind of domineering and and sort of maybe even angry as they're expressing their opinion
and talking over the other person and then when they get what they want maybe they feel
good about it but the second phase of it is that for a lot of people they don't want to be
jerks and kind of in retrospect they look back on how they behaved and they feel badly about
themselves for how they acted they feel badly about themselves for having taken advantage of the
other person or for having disrespected the other person so they can really get kind of down and and
upset with themselves for for how they behaved and how maybe they lost their temper or how
maybe they treated the other person so the goal of the aggressive interpersonal style is to win
so that's the goal the goal is to get what i want to express my opinion to dominate other
people and to be victorious in the situation and to be victorious in this interpersonal interaction
and so you may think okay well aggressive a person gets what they want that's a good thing right
well not exactly right because so even though the person gets what they want
the problem with being aggressive is other people don't really want to be around aggressive people
they don't really want to be around people who always dominate the conversation or always have
to be right and always have to tell you why what you think is wrong and what they think is right
so it can lead to a lot of interpersonal difficulties or conflicts and and it can be
in somewhat of a lonely existence because you know it's hard to have friends when you're always being
aggressive with other people so if being passive doesn't really work and being aggressive isn't
really an ideal form of kind of interpersonal interactions what about assertiveness how does
assertiveness work and and how does assertiveness fall on these various dimensions so in terms of
kind of that nonverbal communication assertiveness person tends to be kind
of having a relaxed posture they they're they're not yelling their voice tone is pretty neutral
if they're making eye eye contact with the other person it's kind of appropriate eye contact it's
not that glaring and staring down the other person that you see in aggressive but it's appropriate
interpersonal appropriate eye contact looking away every once in a while you're not staring down
the other person the behavior of someone who is assertive the behavior is one of
i'm gonna express my opinions i'm gonna share my thoughts and what i think but i'm also gonna leave
room for other people to share their opinions and their thoughts i don't have to dominate
the conversation but i do have to have some time where i get to say what i think but i also leave
it open to give the other person time to share what they think now in terms of my thoughts
my thoughts are that my views are important and that my views have some validity to them and it's
important for me to be able to express my point of view and express what i think in this situation
but at the same time i also respect that other people may have views and differing views
and that it's important for me to listen and to hear what the other person might say because
they may be thinking about the situation in a way that's different than how i'm thinking about it
and maybe there's something that i can learn from the other person or maybe they have something
to say that may change my mind or my opinion about this situation so there's this kind of
general sense of of openness of thought the emotions are associated with assertiveness
are satisfaction and contentment you feel good about yourself that you've been able to express
what you want but you also feel good about yourself because you've respected the other person
and you've allowed the other person to have space and have room to share what they think and so
there's this sense of just generally being more positive about how the interaction went
and the goal of assertiveness well the goal of assertiveness isn't about winning
the goal of assertiveness is really at its core me expressing what i want
and what i think and allowing the other person to express what they want and what they think
so it's not about winning the goal is about sharing opinions and being okay with
i have one opinion the other person may have a different opinion and that's okay and we don't
have to always win we don't always have to agree but that we can be okay with one another and treat
each other with respect even though we might be we might have different opinions about a situation
so if you think about assertiveness compared to being passive or being aggressive
it feels a lot better it feels like i've been able to communicate in an effective way
and that i'm being respectful of the relationship and respectful of the dignity of the other person
so my own dignity but also their dignity as well so you might be thinking well okay so what
like okay that that will make sense and i get the difference between being passive being aggressive
and being assertive why does this matter well i think it matters because we're social beings
and we live in a world of social interactions and what we know is that uh interpersonal styles and
interpersonal interactions can have a big role in feelings of depression and feelings of
anxiety so in depression what i often see is that people's tend to start out as as being passive in
their interpersonal relationships and what ends up happening is they feel like they're being taken
advantage of that they're being walked all over that their opinions and their rights don't really
matter and it doesn't really matter so what's the point in really expressing my views because
my views aren't right anyway and so it can be this really kind of can build the sense
of self-loathing but also the sense of you know other people don't really care about me
other people don't really respect me and that can really fuel and drive the or be part of the
the fuel that drives a depression cycle now with regards to anxiety one of the big anxieties that i
often see in people's is concerns about how other people will view them how other people will think
about them and so i might engage in a way to be passive or to be very agreeable with other people
because if i agree with everything that the other person says they're more likely to like me or
respect me but if i share my own opinion or share my thoughts and maybe they disagree with it it may
lead to conflict or arguments and i just kind of want to avoid all of that but by being passive by
avoiding expressing my opinion all it's really doing is fueling my anxiety that my opinions
may be wrong or that if i were to really share what i think that other people would reject me
and so being assertive really helps with both anxiety and depression because it
helps establish the sense of you know what i have opinions and i have good opinions and my opinions
count my opinions matter and people aren't going to reject me because of who i am and what i think
and so by being more assertive or acting in a more assertive manner it can really help
chip away at some of these assumptions that that tend to drive depression and anxiety
so i hope that makes sense i hope that gives you a better sense of what assertiveness
is and how it differs from being passive and or being aggressive i'd love to hear your thoughts
and comments about this so please leave me some comments in the comments section down below if
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thank you for making it all the way to the end of this video and i will see you in the next one