- Hey you, my name is Thomas TomSka Ridgewell
and welcome back to.
- Content.
- Wow.
Love is good.
I have loved and love.
Eddie, have you loved, good.
Dating can be difficult.
Not only do you need your fleshy vessel to observe
and assess someone else's fleshy vessel and say,
"yes, this is a suitable breeding partner.
Let us create a life together."
And then stick around each other for two to three years
until that life is somewhat matured.
And then we will run out of love chemicals and part ways
but you also have to actually like that person's company
and that's why God invented dating websites
with surveys to help figure out your perfect match.
And that's what I'm going to do today.
I met my girlfriend Charlie, on a dating website
and I've used them before to varying degrees of success.
And I thought, "Hey it'll be fun
to make another account on some of the ridiculous questions
they ask you.
And just guide you through my process
of finding a life partner.
Okay to be clear, this is not a spon by the way.
I've used this site before and I'm scared of change.
Let's do it, let's make an account.
Okay, let's let's not show my email address.
Password, I am horny.
Strong enough.
Prove you're human?
I just told you I'm horny, robots can't get horny.
What's your first name?
Okay see, now we're already at the first hurdle
because when you are an internet celebrity
which feels dirty coming out of my mouth,
there are some weird people
who will pretend to not know who you are
just to get close to you.
I mean, my girlfriend
had to go through a very strong vetting process
to confirm she wasn't secretly a terrifying fan playing coy
and even now I'm not entirely sure.
I mean, she has put up with me for this long.
so, I don't think I should go with my real first name.
I'm going with Mike,
Mike O'Donnell the main character from "17 Again"
the best film of all time.
Which gender best describes you?
More options, oh shit.
Okay, what's a Hydra?
I need to fight that out.
Eunuchs, intersex people
and transgender people in South Asia.
We learned something today.
What are your pronouns?
Wow, this is new.
He, him or enter your own.
- [Eddie] Sheriff.
- I am a sheriff.
What year were you born?
Do I play it younger?
- [Elliot] You're 17.
Oh, I can be 17 again!
This is the best day of my life.
Oh, oh no, fuck.
Oh fuck, oh fuck.
I got locked out of the site.
- [Eddie] because you only 17?
- Yep.
Well, I need a new email lads.
Let's start this again, shall we?
Add some great photos.
Ah, shit, okay.
Now, when it comes to dating,
I am a strong believer in putting your worst foot forward
because I would rather scare off
99 out of a hundred potential partners
and attract only one that has already seen me at my worst,
who won't be disappointed by what they're gonna discover.
So, this is going to be my profile picture.
Fucking hell, all right.
Add some great photos.
Oh no.
Well, I reset the whole thing.
At least my name can be Jeff now.
Here we go, here we go, here we go.
Yes, look at that.
You got to get the titty in
or else people aren't gonna know I have a titty.
Oh, okay.
Here we go.
Into the meat of the video.
How long do you want your next relationship to last?
Jeez, okay, one night.
I want to meet a woman who is going to kill me
after we meet.
I wanna date a praying mantis.
It is ideal that she is a praying mantis.
Which word describes you better?
Guys, which word describes you better carefree or intense?
- [Eddie] Intense.
- Really, what makes you say that?
What makes you say that?
How important is religion/God in your life?
Yeah, I mean it's extremely important to me that I date God.
Ideally they need to be Jesus.
Are you ready to settle down and get married right now?
I'm not gonna lie, this dating site
is throwing up red flags right on the first date.
Would you date someone who was in considerable debt?
If I'm dating someone of my own generation
then they're going to be in significant debt
because of student loans,
I'm hundreds of thousands of pounds in debt, help.
Do you smoke?
Smoke weed every day.
Which would you rather be, normal or weird?
Is this question for like a 14 year old?
I don't know what the scale is.
They poo in the toilet versus they poo
directly into their hand and then put it in their mouth?
I need more context, OkCupid.
Could you date someone who was really messy?
I currently am.
So I guess I don't have a choice but to answer yes.
I do wonder what my bedroom floor looks like.
Would you strongly prefer to date someone
of your own skin color/racial background?
Wow, wow.
No, I am not racist.
Are you currently employed?
Am I employed?
You're employed by me.
Am I employed?
- [Eddie] You're self employed.
- Okay, I'm a student of pussy.
Kissing in Paris, kissing in a tent?
These are my two options.
Kissing in a tent in the woods, specifically.
- [Eddie] Well, you are intense.
- Oh, it's finding me some great people.
This person's a pair of legs with a dog to be fair.
The dog has sold me.
I don't have time for this.
I need to ask myself more questions.
The first thing people notice about me.
- [Eddie] Your money.
- A movie I've watched over and over again.
Let me think about this one.
Yeah, baby!
Okay, this item makes me feel at home, house.
If I were sent to jail, I'd be arrested for,
holy shit, I mean, Jesus.
Is this entrapment?
All those crimes.
Regards to future plans,
what's more interesting to you right now?
Sex, love, where's lunch on this option?
I'm gonna go with love,
and I'm gonna write, "I love lunch."
How willing are you to meet someone
from OkCupid in person?
MCM October 27th to 28th.
In a relationship, who do you prefer to be taller?
It doesn't matter to me, as long as you have a dog
Do you have dog?
Say you've started seeing someone you really like,
as far as you're concerned
how long will it take before you have sex?
Only after the wedding.
P.s. the first date will be a wedding.
Wait, what, do I have a match?
Oh, that's mean.
I've been liked, but it won't show me who.
Whomst loves me?
I feel like that's bullshit.
if anyone has liked this picture,
they are looking for a project.
Rate your self-confidence.
Very, very high, below average.
Okay, no, very high, no below average.
Why can't I select both?
What is the most exciting thing
about getting to know someone new?
Discovering their body.
Is this a survey for like homicide detectives?
Whenever I meet someone new, I want to discover their body
ideally in a field.
I also want to meet a detective.
What makes for a better relationship?
Passion, brackets, passion for memes.
Do you enjoy intense intellectual conversation?
Yes, Rick and Morty is good show, Wobadubo.
Would you consider yourself a feminist?
Yes, brackets, please don't tell the internet I said this,
they will have a fight on me.
Are you a cat person or a dog person?
Dogs, dogs.
Very important, fuck you cat.
- [Eddie] C'mon you're a furry.
- Well, You could have fucking chimed in then guys
but they're going to think I'm a furry.
Do spelling mistakes annoy you?
Yes, they are bad.
What is your relationship with marijuana?
- [Eddie] Marry do you wanna?
- Do you wanna, I don't get it.
- [Eddie] It's like, do you want to get married?
- You wanna get married?
I don't need this account anymore.
What's your deal with harder drugs?
54 an ounce.
I don't know how drug is work, no cops.
How frequently do you drink alcohol?
I've never even heard of alcohol.
Are you either a vegetarian or a vegan?
This must be the most exciting option
for any vegetarian or vegan.
There's literally something asking them if they're vegan.
I need someone who wants to get
their fucking teeth on that meat.
Wait, evolution has no place in schools.
If I send my fucking kid off to school
and they came back with a third arm,
I would be pissed.
For you personally, is abortion an option?
No, yeah, abortion is not an option if I got pregnant.
I don't think that the government would let me get them.
They'd be like, we need to figure this shit out now.
Once you're intimate,
how often would you and your significant other have sex?
That kinda depends on them and their consent.
Surely it should be, how often would you like to have sex
with your significant other?
Not how often will you,
this implies they don't have a choice.
If you don't do anything at all for an entire day,
how does that make you feel?
Fucking brilliant.
Why is there not a great option?
Would you sleep with someone
before you considered marrying them?
I've slept with Elliot.
Have I slept with you, Eddie?
- [Eddie] You've slept on my sofa.
- I haven't slept with you.
I haven't shared a bed with you though.
I would never consider marrying Eddie for this reason.
Elliot, I would consider marrying you
because we've slept together and you don't snore.
You do scream in your sleep though, that's really scary.
How often are you open with your feelings?
Well, I am answering dating site questions
to an audience of hundreds of thousands.
So I'm going to go with never.
I have never been open about my feelings.
What is your preferred cuddling position?
Big spoon, small spoon, all spoons?
I'm sorry, if you didn't know what spooning was,
this question is fucking crazy.
Just give me a lot of spoons.
I can't cuddle unless I got spoons, mate.
Are you open to a casual relationship?
There's only one thing I hate more than casual relationships
is casual gamers.
You play Pokemon Go, you go get out of my house.
Gen 4's out, I'm really excited.
How do you feel about documentaries?
The only documentaries I like
are ones where the host just says that's crazy all the time
and ultimately says nothing.
If you had to name your greatest motivation in life
thus far, what would it be?
Wealth, wealth, wealth, wealth, wealth, wealth, wealth,
wealth, wealth, wealth, wealth, wealth.
Would you rather cook your own food or order takeout?
Let's not ask stupid questions, okay?
Do you like to wear a costume for Halloween?
Well, I mean, I do love being fat version of anything,
so sure, why not?
Sometimes I'm the fat version of a functioning adult
but it's not convincing.
Do you share your Netflix passwords with other people?
I mean, Sammy called me,
he called me while on a date with a girl,
who he wanted to Netflix and chill with
so that he could get my password.
The fact that he didn't feel in any way emasculated by that,
astounds me.
Like, "Hey baby,
you want come back to my place and watch some Netflix?
Let me just call my friend
and beg him for his Netflix password."
Of course I do because I'm a fucking bitch.
How much of your values changed since you were 16?
Well, the value on the scale certainly gone up.
Am I right?
Well, when I was 16, I thought the bigotry was really funny,
the friend zone was real
and I believed that masturbating caused bad things to happen
to the people I loved.
So, I'd say they're actually the same.
How often do you go to a place of worship?
All right, MCM London, Comic Con, October 27th to 28th.
Should engineers be required to take humanities classes?
What the fuck?
What is that, what?
What an incredibly specific question,
should engineers be required to take humanities classes?
Of course, I feel so strongly about this.
MCM London comic Con October 27th.
Do you still order off the kids' menu?
And the options are yes, let me live.
Fuck, yeah.
Would you consider having an open relationship?
Like one where you were emotionally open with someone?
Yeah, that's essential.
What's your Hogwarts house?
Slytherin.
Answers you'll accept, Slytherin.
Snape is a sexy daddy boy.
How often do you take selfies?
If they've seen my profile picture
they know that I'm a big selfie guy.
Should we be fighting to close the gender wage gap?
I mean, I that's one way to do it.
You beat me in a fair fight, you get equal pay.
All right, that's the solution.
Gotta I have that bloodsport.
Do you think the US government unfairly
over incarcerates people of color?
Why the fuck am I being asked this?
How is this relevant to my sex life?
I mean, they do,
but I don't think this affects how I fuck.
Would an immigration ban that targets Muslims
make the country safer?
I'm just trying to smash, guys.
Do you think the military
should ban transgender people from service?
Guys, I'm just trying to get my Dick sloppy.
Do you think people who have entered the country illegally
should be deported?
I'm just trying to dip my wig, come on.
I got the content, account can go.
I am horny.
Wait, what?
I am horny.
Guys, did I forget my password?
I am so horny?
Guys, I forgot my password.
I can't delete the account,
I forgot my password, what was it?
Well, that was fun today we learned
that I'm definitely going to die alone.
Okay, bye