- He's one of those kids that only laughs at real anger.
I don't know if you've ever met one of those peaches, but,
see, most two and three year olds,
they laugh at manufactured anger, performative anger.
You can go up to a kid that age and just go, "Rawr".
And they're like...
(Tom chuckling)
and this kid's like, "Uh uh.
(audience laughing)
I wanna see your blood pressure spike, man."
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
I'm not gay, but
(audience laughing)
I am not above checking out a dude.
I'm serious.
Like if I'm at the beach
and there's some super fucking like just yoked dude there,
I'll be like, "Hey, nice.
(audience laughing)
Very nice.
What's your protein intake like? What do you do?
(audience laughing)
Cardio and lift, of course."
(audience laughing)
And then a hot chick will walk by and I'll go,
"Get the fuck outta here, what are you doing?"
(audience laughing)
I think the gayest I ever was,
(audience laughing)
was in February.
(audience laughing)
That's when I did my shows in Los Angeles
and Brad Pitt came to my show.
(audience cheering)
Look, I do not know what year he was born
or how many infants he consumes in a week,
but that man is stunning, all right?
(audience laughing)
He came into my dressing room,
I couldn't make eye contact.
Do you understand?
Like, I was like, "Hey, what's up, man? How you doing?"
(audience laughing)
He goes, "Look at me." I was like, "No."
(audience laughing)
He goes, "Come on." I said, "Shut up."
(audience laughing)
He goes, "You wanna gimme a kiss?"
I was like, "Yeah."
(audience laughing)
And he goes, "Do it." I'm like...
(Tom making kissing sounds)
What?
(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)
It wasn't gay.
We took a bath later, that was gay,
but we talked about sports, so it balanced out, you know?
I wanna skip a grade.
Remember elementary school?
You get to like the first day of whatever, third grade,
and you're like, "Where's Brian?"
And they're like, "He skipped."
Excuse me?
How?
And they're like, "He can add like a motherfucker,
I don't know, he's just...
Four, eight, twelve, he gets it."
(audience laughing)
And then you go, "I wanna skip."
And they're like...
(Tom chuckling)
(audience laughing)
"Don't even think about that. Think about other shit."
I'd love to skip in real life.
That would be the best program.
Like if they were like, "All right,
if you kill it this year,
if you have the best year,
at the end of the year,
a magical fairy or a government official
will come to your house
and they go, 'You crushed it this year.'
And you're like, 'I know.'
(audience laughing)
And then they're like,
'Now you can skip as many years as you want.'
I'd be like, 'What the fuck?
Really?'
'How many do you wanna skip?'
'30? Just land at retirement.'"
I don't wanna live much longer than that anyways.
70, maybe 71, you know?
70, so I can be officially old
and experience old guy stuff,
like people talking to me like I'm a pet, and-
(audience laughing)
You ever see that when they're like,
"Hey, hey, how you doing?
You're so, would you like me to get you anything?"
I'm like, "Yeah, put some water in my bowl.
What the fuck is this shit?"
Like...(audience laughing)
But I don't wanna live much longer than that.
I mean, I hear people in conversation go like,
"I wanna live to be a 100."
Really? Have you seen 80?
I mean, my dad has a friend that's 87,
he looks like a goblin, okay?
(audience laughing)
He is terrifying to look at.
And he knows it.
He's like, "I'm coming around the corner.
Don't look at me."
(audience laughing)
It's scary.
Here's how much it sucks to be that old.
When he was 84, he stopped taking his heart medication.
And I go, "Why'd you do that?"
He goes, "I don't want to be here."
(audience laughing)
And if you see him now, you're like, "How you doing?"
He'll go, "Unfortunately alive,
(audience laughing)
but he won't take me."
The only thing I have going for me with that old stuff
is that I will be the best old guy.
I already know it.
Like I have their personality.
I'm antisocial as shit. I don't wanna do anything.
Like whenever anybody says to me like,
"Hey man, do you wanna go check out the-"
I go, "No, to the rest of your sentence.
Whatever it is, I don't wanna do it."
I don't wanna meet new people, not one more
as long as I live for the rest of my life.
That's the same as old people.
You can try it if you want.
Hey Grandpa, "I want you to meet Steve."
And he'll go, "Fuck Steve.
(audience laughing)
I know everybody I need to know."
(audience laughing)
Dude, having kids makes you do crazy shit,
I'm not even proud of some of the things I've done,
all right?
Last year, this was the first time I ever had somebody
bully one of my kids.
I didn't respond well.
This is what, I took my older son to a park,
he was two and a half, the cutest little fucking kid,
and he walks into the park
and he walks up to a playground set
and as he walks up to it, he steps on it,
and an older kid, meaning four,
(audience laughing)
He goes, "You can't play with that, that's mine."
And I go, "I'll kick your chest through your back."
(audience laughing)
And he goes, "What?"
And I go, "I'll stomp you out right now."
(audience laughing)
So he's crying, I'm laughing.
Everybody's gathered around, right?
You can't do that.
(audience laughing)
You can't do anything to a shitty kid.
You can curse a lot around them, not to them,
that's an important distinction.
Around them, and then you fantasize
about them repeating it at home and getting in trouble,
and that's very satisfying, all right?
(audience laughing)
But you know, you gotta put rhythm to it
or they won't remember
'cause they're just dumb fucking kids.
So you gotta be like, "Shit, piss motherfucker,
cunt, my balls, lick my dick, eat my ass."
And the kid will be like,
(audience laughing)
"What's that?" Be like, "Go tell your mom."
That's what that is.
(audience laughing)
As they walk by, you can get in one accidental hit.
I've tried it, but it's gotta be as they're passing,
you know, like that.
And then they'll be like...
(audience laughing)
"Shit, piss, motherfucker."
(audience laughing)
He's one of those kids that only laughs at real anger.
I don't know if you've ever met one of those peaches, but,
see, most two and three year olds,
they laugh at manufactured anger, performative anger.
You can go up to a kid that age and just go, "Rawr,"
and they're like,
(Tom chuckling)
and this kid's like, "Uh uh.
I wanna see your blood pressure spike, man."
(audience laughing)
The hardest I've ever seen him laugh, it's not even close,
it's when he flushed my car keys down the toilet.
It was my fault, I guess.
I didn't hang them up.
I put them on the coffee table that I also bought, and
(audience laughing)
I was laying on the couch, you know, it was a long day.
I see his little ass come in the room,
see the keys, and he's like...
(audience laughing)
And I go, "No, don't."
And he picks them up and he goes, "Chase me
(audience laughing)
down the hall."
(audience laughing)
I go okay. I give him a headstart, he's three.
(audience laughing)
When I stand up, I see him dip into the bathroom.
I'm like no.
(audience laughing)
And when I get there,
(Tom making whooshing noise)
And I lose my shit.
(audience laughing)
I don't yell at him.
I'm just yelling at my life, you know?
(audience laughing)
I'm like, "Fuck!
(audience laughing)
No!
(audience laughing)
Fuck!"
(audience laughing)
And when I turn, he's like, "That's what I'm talking about."
(audience laughing)
But we as a nation, we have been traumatized
by these horrific laws
and people being imprisoned for having weed,
and it highlights the absurdity
of not only it having been illegal
and so crazy for so many years,
but also highlights how the next generation
will not believe our stories about it at all.
There's a 0% chance
they will understand what we're talking about.
It'd be like trying to tell a kid now like, "Hey,
you know pigeons used to deliver messages to people."
They'd be like, "The fuck are you saying right now?"
It'll be the same thing.
I'm gonna sit my son down one day and be like, "You know,
when I was your age, to get weed, I almost died."
(audience laughing)
And he'll be like, "Why, was 7-11 on fire or something?"
(audience laughing)
"They didn't sell it at 7-11.
Daddy used to get in cars with strangers."
(audience laughing)
"Where are we going?" "Chill out."
"All right."
(audience laughing)
Three-hour round trips to buy weed,
and if you're like, "Oh, what kinda weight were you moving?"
"$20 worth of marijuana, that kind of major shit."
(audience laughing)
I bought weed from a dude in a standalone trailer one time.
Not a trailer park, a solo trailer.
The most terrifying housing situation that exists.
Like where other trailer people were like,
"Get the fuck outta here" and they kick him out.
I just walk up to that shit, 15,
(Tom knocking)
And this dude was like, "You trying to get a sack?"
I was like, "Oh, shit, yeah."
(audience laughing)
He goes, "We could go do that."
And I was like, "All right, cool."
And he goes, "We just need to go get it."
I was like, "You don't fucking have it?
Isn't that your sole responsibility?"
So I tried to play cool.
I was like, "All right, let's go get it."
He goes, "I'll go get it.
You stay here and watch my place."
And I was like,
(audience laughing)
"Okay."
And he goes, "There's a .357 and a shotgun on my bed.
Anybody comes in here, blast them."
(audience laughing)
Inside, paralysis.
(audience laughing)
But what I said was, "That's what's up."
Like, yeah, man.
(audience laughing)
And then he stopped at the door and he goes,
"But don't shoot my mom."
I go, "Can we get a description before we agree to terms?"
What were we talking about before?
Oh yeah, my mom, so
(audience laughing)
here's how I stopped arguing with her.
I hope if you're in a similar situation with a parent,
you have an epiphany the way I did.
Here's the circumstance, right?
She calls me late last year, there were fires in LA,
and she goes, "Tommy," she's not local,
if you don't know yet, if you're like,
"Why does she talk so fucking weird?"
She's from South America. Peru, to be specific, okay?
So she calls me and she goes, "Tommy."
And I go, "Yeah."
She goes, "The fires, they are bad?"
And I go, "Yeah.
(audience laughing)
Usually they're good, but this is a bad one."
(audience laughing)
And she goes, "People are dying?"
I go, "If they're in the fire, yeah."
(audience laughing)
It's fire.
And she lives in Florida, so she goes,
"You have fires, we have hurricanes.
(audience laughing)
People are dying everywhere."
And I go, "It sounds like you have the news on.
Is there anything else you wanna report?"
And she goes, "I think it's happening for a reason.
And I go, "It is. They're called weather patterns."
And she goes, "No,
I think God is trying to send us a message."
(audience laughing)
That's what I do, I go...
(Tom chuckling)
I go, "What's the message?"
She goes, "I think he's trying to tell us
to be better people,"
and you know when somebody says something
and you can feel with certainty
that you're gonna argue with them?
(audience laughing)
Like as words leave their lips, you're like,
"I'm gonna light you up pretty hard."
(audience laughing)
I could feel seething anger growing
and I could hear my own argument in my head.
I could hear my own voice say,
"You mean to tell me that our all-knowing
and all-loving and all-present God is setting people on fire
and drowning them in hurricanes so that we hug more?
That's the stupid shit I have ever heard in my entire life."
(audience cheering)
But right before I said it, I had that moment.
I had that thought where I go, "What is the point?
Why argue with this demon woman," you know?
Just let Lucifer's sister have her way.
(audience laughing)
You're not gonna change her mind.
So for the first time in my life, I took a deep breath
and I just went, "Yeah, I could see why he would do that.
Hope he stops killing us. Ha ha ha."
And she knew, she goes, "What?"
(audience laughing)
I go, "You make a good point."
And she goes, "Why are you doing this?"
(audience laughing)
Why are you, meaning why aren't you arguing with me?
I go, "Mom, I don't know. Who cares?
You're right, I'm wrong, so what?"
And she goes, "Tommy, do you know what?"
I go, "What?"
She goes, "I always knew you were a little bitch, Tommy."
(audience laughing)
And I go, "What?"
And she goes, "Ciao, puto" and she hung up the phone.
(audience laughing)
But it's wild when you find out something new
after knowing people that long.
You know, I've known these guys like 25, 30 years,
and I found out last week,
so 25 years into these friendships
that I'm the only one who eats ass in that entire group.
Isn't that crazy to you?
(audience cheering)
I guess I'm friends with a bunch of third graders.
I don't know, like...
One of the guys is newly in love too.
Justin, newly in love, and usually newly in love people
are really on board, you know,
because everything's rainbows and butterflies for them.
Like every day, Justin's like, "Ha ha ha, I'm in love."
I go, "That's great. Did you eat her ass?"
(audience laughing)
And he's like, "No."
I says, "You don't like her?"
(audience laughing)
And he was like, "No, I do."
And I said, "No, you don't.
If you did, you'd give her
the sweetest kiss of all, you know?"
(audience laughing and cheering)
(upbeat music)