- I have a passion for ideas.
I believe in the power of ideas
and I believe that a mind expanded
to a new idea never returns to its original size.
Once you learn something,
you become aware of something,
it's impossible to not be aware of that anymore.
And so I wanted to bring you four books
four relationship books.
These are must-read books.
And these four particular books have absolutely
changed my love life changed my relationship world
and I wanna share with you a few of the ideas
out of this book that can change your world as well.
So two of these books deal
with the relationship with ourself.
The other two deal with the interpersonal relationships
that we have with others.
And ultimately, how do we increase the love
that we experience in our life?
So the first book is "Learning to Love Yourself"
by Dr. Gay Hendricks.
Dr. Hendricks is a mentor of mine,
good friend of mine.
He's amazing.
And what I love is he has his PhD from Stanford.
He's a psychologist
and he wrote this little tiny book
that is just life changing
because one of the most challenging concepts is that concept
of how do you love yourself?
Like we know we need to love ourselves
in order to be in a loving relationship.
And you've heard the quote that you can only
love somebody as well as you love yourself.
And so that becomes this great governor
on the amount of intimacy that we can experience
in our lives.
Emotional connection that we can have on our lives.
And so how in the hell do you love yourself more?
This was a huge conundrum for me on my journey of love.
In fact, mastering this skill
and I wouldn't even say mastering it really
but just getting better at this.
I remember the moment when I began to
practice these principles and my heart opened
in ways that I had not been opened in years
hadn't been open since I had closed it.
When my parents divorced
I remember shutting my heart down saying
I don't wanna experience pain like this.
I'm gonna shut myself down.
And anytime we go through relationship pain
whether it's conscious or way more often subconscious
we close the door to protect ourselves.
But that very door that we're closing is the door
that keeps love out.
So how do you begin to open that door again?
How do you overcome the fear
of the betrayal and the fear of getting hurt?
And all of that is the key is right here.
It's in learning to love yourself when you can love yourself
through the pain and the emotions
and all the places that you don't like yourself
and all the things that you condemn about yourself.
And so the one idea
I highly recommend reading all these books
I want to give you one powerful idea from each one.
The idea from this book that absolutely
changed my life is that love is greater
than any other emotion or experience.
And so what Dr. Hendricks talks about is
that you could be loathing an aspect of yourself.
And love is like this container that can wrap
around the criticism or the anger
or the judgment or the shame that you have for yourself.
And it can wrap around that and heal it.
And so he was describing these interactions
he was having with his clients.
And a client would come in
and he'd want to work on this self-love.
And Dr. Hendricks would say
"So are you willing to love yourself?"
He's like, "No, I'm not willing to love yourself."
And then what you can do is you can go meta levels
with each level of resistance that you have.
And so he said,
"Are you willing to love the part of you
that's resistant to loving yourself?"
And the person thought and was kind of turned within
and was like, "I don't know."
And he's like, "Are you willing to love the part of you
that doesn't know if you're willing to love the part
of you that's resistant to loving yourself?"
And he took it like three levels up
and he finally got to this level.
I think it was the third level where the client softened.
He was like, "Yeah, I'm willing to love the part of me
that's confused,
the part of me that's uncertain.
I can love that part of me."
You can love the aspects of yourself
doesn't mean you have to approve of that.
Maybe a behavior that you didn't like
in the past or something you feel guilty about.
You don't have to approve the behavior
to be able to love yourself.
And that's incredibly healing,
incredibly freeing.
And you can literally feel the layers
begin to melt away in this self-love process.
So life transforming idea, "Learning to Love Yourself",
Dr. Gay Hendricks.
The second book that completely changed my life
is this one, "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem"
by Dr. Nathaniel Branden.
What I love about bringing you these books
is most of these books are not international
number one New York Times bestselling books
but they have changed people's lives.
And so if you haven't read these,
check these out.
Dr. Nathaniel Branden writes in this book
central idea changed my Life.
Two things.
Number one, self-esteem is not something you're born with
or without.
Self-esteem is not something you either have
or you don't have
and it's set from the moment that you're born.
Self-esteem is grown, it's a muscle,
it can be cultivated.
And there are practices that actually grow your self-esteem.
Just like if you want to become stronger
there are exercises you can do to grow your strength.
Just like if you wanna run faster or longer
there's training that you can do
to improve your cardiovascular health.
What if you could actually do exercises a way
of using your mind, your beingness
that could actually grow your self-esteem
to such a degree that you were free
from the opinions and the approvals of others
that you had such a self worth that you were able to go
after your dreams unfettered by paradigms,
doubts, or fears.
What if you could have a level of belief
and certainty and self-esteem that you were just
naturally attracting these beautiful,
healthy relationships
because that was your major dominant vibration?
Well, this book gives you the six pillars
and the six exercises of doing just that.
I'll give you one of these.
One of the exercises is the practice of self assertiveness.
And what this means is,
and we talk about this in a loving way,
not in a challenging, argumentative way
but when you assert your needs
your priorities at the level of other people's
when you assert what it is that you would love
maybe you want that promotion,
maybe you want that raise.
Maybe there's a rattle that you had with a family member
and instead of letting them just,
you know, have their way or walk all over you,
you're gonna actually assert yourself and you say,
"You know what?
That didn't feel very good,
that conversation that we had.
And I would love to be treated with respect."
When you assert yourself in those ways,
you're demonstrating,
or you go to your boss and you ask for the raise
or you actually start writing the book
because you know you deserve it.
When you assert yourself in those ways,
self assertiveness, you're actually communicating
to your subconscious mind that you value yourself.
What a fascinating idea.
Our own value of ourself is done through behaviors
through our spoken word, through our actions.
Because those, it's not just thinking the thought,
"Oh I value and love myself".
That is important but it's actually acting congruent
with those ideas that prove to your internal self-image
and your internal belief system that you really
do value yourself.
And that's where the internal conflict and argument
where the fears and the doubts begin to melt away
it is a beautiful result,
beautiful experience.
So six pillars of self-esteem.
Thank you, Dr. Nathaniel Branden.
The next book that changed my life
and this one is a New York Times bestselling book.
It is "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work",
by the Great Gottman Institute,
Dr. John Gottman.
And this book has brilliant ideas in it
one that really changed my life
and it's this concept called turning towards one another.
And here's what's brilliant about it
because these are such small moments,
inconspicuous moments,
moments that you would miss
without actually understanding that in relationships
it's small hinges that swing big doors.
It's usually not the big catastrophe
that sabotages relationships.
It's a million little small things that add up over time.
And so one of these is called turning towards your partner.
You see, in relationships
we'll each make a bid for attention.
A bid might be like you're in the kitchen with each other
and you're like, "Hey babe",
and does the person turn and look at you?
Or they just say, yeah
and they still scroll on their phone looking at TikTok
or looking at social media, right?
A bid for attention could be like someone's saying,
"Hey look at this over there."
And the person turns and was like,
"Oh yeah, that is amazing.
How cool is that?"
These bids for attention are like,
"Hey I want to share my day with you.
Do you have a few minutes?"
And the person stops and turns towards that person
brings their full presence
for the few minutes that they have.
What these turning towards moments are when one person bids
for attention, that's what that is.
When you're calling the other person's name
or you're saying,
"Hey, check this out, or look at this."
That's a bid for attention.
When the other person matches that bid
what they're ultimately saying is,
you matter to me.
This relationship matters to me
and I'm willing to prioritize you.
It's subtle, it's small
but it is a small hinge that swings a very,
very big door.
And so none of us are perfect at this.
I know I'm not perfect at this
but when I'm conscious,
when I'm aware, I try to,
I'll put my phone down and turn to my wife
and connect with her when at the end of our day
she wants to share about her day
and we're brushing our teeth,
I'll put it down and I'll turn,
I'll sit and I'll listen here
"Tell me about your day, what happened?"
These moments are really, really powerful
for creating a super solid foundation in the relationship.
And the last book that I'm gonna bring
to you is this one.
"Project Everlasting".
Now you might be thinking
why are you bringing me this book, Matt?
And of course this book changed my life
because this is the book that I wrote with my best friend
as we interviewed America's greatest marriages
for their ideas around what makes love last.
And I wanna share with you one idea
out of this book that changed my life
and it can change your life as well.
And it was the idea that all these couples talked about love
and this feeling of love that we chase this feeling
of euphoria that often comes on early
in the relationship and how it evolves
and how it expands and how it never really goes away.
But it does change.
And it definitely ebbs and flows at times,
especially with the mood and whether or not
you're getting along with your partner,
your significant other.
And they say, too many people feel like
if they're not feeling in love that the love is gone
it's lost and it freaks them out
and they're never gonna get it again.
They said, here's what's super important to realize
that love is not a feeling.
And I remember hearing that and being like
that's the first time I'm hearing this.
They said, love is a decision to act loving.
Real love is a decision to give to the other person.
It's a decision to serve,
it's a decision to show up for them.
And I thought, isn't that interesting?
And they said, here's what's fascinating.
Even when you're not feeling in love
the very act of acting in love,
giving to the other person
will cause the feelings to rise up in you.
It goes really fascinating.
And so I remember one particular story that really
touched me that I would love to share with you.
It's a couple.
Ruthie and Dirk Dirkson married over 50 years.
And I was talking to Ruthie actually
on the phone as we were driving across Wyoming
and I'm seeing all these buffalo and she's telling me
about their story, their greatest marriage for her
they said they had this cool way of giving
to one another where they would write each other love notes
and they would hide them around the house
and they'd hide 'em so well
that it'd be like months would go by
before they would find these love notes.
And so she would be pulling out some plates
in the kitchen to set the table
and then there would be a little note
that flutters to the ground
and she'd pick it up and it would say,
"You're beautiful", you know?
And it was written by of course her husband.
And so she'd go and write him a note
and stick it in his drawers and his sweaters.
And then winter would come along,
he'd put on a sweater and feel something scratchy
and pull in and reach it out.
And little love note that said, "I love you."
And so they would have this practice for decades.
She goes, it was towards the end of his life
and he had contracted this disease
that caused him to be extremely tired.
He would go to bed at one in the afternoon and and sleep.
And she said that that continued on for many months
until really it was the final day of his life.
And she remember holding him and laying in bed with him.
She was behind him holding him.
The whole family had gathered around and they'd been married
over 50 years and they thought that just kept going
through her mind while she was holding him
and reflecting on the day they met
and reflecting on all the many notes
that they had with one another and reflecting
on the incredible adventures that they had.
50 years.
And she goes, "It felt like it went by like that".
She was like, "It was so fast
and I'm holding him and I'm feeling his breathing get slower
and slower until it finally stopped.
And she was like, in that moment
the love of my life was gone.
And how I had wanted more time, I wanted more memories
I wanted more experiences together."
And the times that she goes,
"I thought about the arguments we had
and some of the petty stuff that we make such a big deal
in these moments when really in the grand scheme of things,
it's such a small thing."
Her main message to me,
and she goes, "I hope that you spread this message
is just how fast life goes and to not hold back
to tell each other that you love each other
to go for what you would love to make the life
that you do have as rich as possible.
Because we will all get to the end of our life one day.
Every one of us will have put our head
on the pillow for the last time.
And the question will be,
how well did we love in this life?"
She told me that a few weeks after his passing,
she went to her drawers to pull out a dress
and she reached in.
She felt her hand touch this little piece of paper
and she knew what it was and she just got chills to her toes
and she pulled it out and it was a love note from him.
But as she opened it,
it wasn't one of the love notes
that he had hidden previously.
This particular love note somehow,
'cause the last couple weeks of his life,
he was bedridden.
He hadn't even gotten outta bed
but somehow he had found the strength
when she wasn't around to climb out of bed,
find a pen, write on this little piece of paper,
"Love you", in shaky handwriting so that she would know
how much she meant to him and he hid it for her.
And then she sent me the note and it looks like this.
And her last message was,
"Remember how fast it goes.
Play full out love with an open heart
because all of us only have so much time."
And that touched me so deeply
the recognition that love is not a feeling.
And if you only have so much
what are ways in which we could love this day?
What are ways in which we could give this day?
What are ways in which we could lean in,
express ourselves even more?
There might be a phone call that you need to have this day
someone who needs to hear from you this day.
There might be an apology that needs to be made.
It might be someone that you're in a relationship with
you haven't talked to them in a while
and they need to know how important they are in your life.
Whatever the action is, know this.
We don't know how much time we've got
but love is that decision to give,
to act, to express it.
These four books have absolutely changed my love life
for the better,
changed my entire life for the better
and I hope they do you as well.
My question for you is, what idea have you learned
whether it's from a book
or whether it's from some other source.
What idea have you learned
that's absolutely changed your love life?
Go ahead and chat that idea in the comment section below.
This is gonna be a really powerful conversation
and know this, I appreciate you,
the love that you want,
the possibility that you're dreaming of,
really can be your life as you take steps
and you lead with giving and leading with love.
Thanks so much for watching.
I'll see you soon.
(upbeat music)