- We're never gonna use that on the show.
That's not for us.
No!
Idiot.
No. Come on, up your game.
No, nobody cares about produce.
You know what? Send me that link.
(upbeat music)
- This is a candle and this is flash cotton. Here we go.
(fire hissing)
(audience laughing)
- Did that limey kid say flash cotton?
You mean to tell me there's an extremely flammable substance
that I have not gotten to play with yet? (laughs)
Unacceptable.
(audience laughing)
Guys, flash cotton's here.
- [Employee] What is it?
- (laughs) What is it? You're gonna feel what it is.
(fire hissing)
- Think you sat in some.
- Ah!
(fire hissing)
You know what will make this dry faster?
(employee screaming)
All right, you guys keep working.
I'm gonna get rid of this helicopter
so our enemies can't steal our stealth technology.
(fire crackling)
(explosion rumbling)
- Thanks for the joint Daniel.
(audience laughing)
- It's scary, isn't it?
Somebody go grab my lucky wooden dick.
(explosion rumbling)
The problem with baked potatoes
is nobody has 11 minutes to microwave them.
(explosion rumbles)
(audience laughing)
It's ready!
(audience laughing)
Guys, it's our constitutional right
to be able to burn the flag,
and thanks to flash cotton, we can do it much quicker,
so it's way less disrespectful.
(fire crackling)
All right, somebody bring me the AIDS Quilt.
Okay, it's time for the wave.
(fire crackling)
(audience laughing)
(employee yelping)
(audience laughing)
What's the worst that could happen?
(fire crackling)
(Daniel screaming)
A lot of hair is burnt.
No more pubes.
The stench of burnt pubes in our writer's room
was slightly more intense than usual that day.
(energetic music)
- [Participant] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
(audience laughing)
(everyone cheering)
- [Participant] Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- [Audience] Ah!
- He did the trick. Now give him the mackerel.
What kind of weird fat guy instincts made his arms do that?
(audience laughing)
Leave his body there as a warning
to the other walrus people.
Those were Tough Mudder races where
CrossFitters take a day off from their cult
to play in the mud.
I'd love my staff to get some exercise,
but mud is dirty and I don't want them
tracking it into our office.
Besides, if you want to motivate the lard asses
that work for me, you gotta go pure butter.
(dramatic music)
It is I, the imperial butter king!
Welcome!
(participants cheering)
Silence!
Let the 2015 Tough Butter
begin!
I do not have enough butter.
Beat the course record, I dare you.
(spray can hissing)
Hurry, there's no margarine for error.
Don't spread yourself too thin.
(bell rings)
Feel the churn.
This is butter chaos.
There are easier ways to get a pat on the back. Butter.
Know where your bread is buttered.
It's a salt and buttery.
Time! I will see you all next year at a nutter butter.
That whole bit was based on a pun. Nailed it!
(audience laughing)
(energetic music)
I went all out and forced my staff
to pound bananas and Sprite while riding
the most unsafe carnival scrambler ride
that I could rent for under five grand,
not including cleanup, in this week's "Web Regurgitation."
(upbeat music)
Step right up, step right up.
Let's toss your bile in "Tosh.0" style on the Hurl-A-Whirl,
the only ride where concessions are mandatory.
Let's get your ticket here.
Ooh, we got a pregnant lady. Enjoy the ride, youngster.
Did everybody visit the bananas and Sprite stand?
(passengers cheering)
Alrighty, kids. You wait your turn.
How far along are ya?
(laughs) I don't care. Let's get you in there.
Let's get you in there. Let's get you in there.
Let's get you in there. That should be good.
Oh, this is gonna be delightful.
All right. The ride doesn't stop till everyone pops.
The first one to blow-
All right, you get it.
Eat your bananas. We're gonna all throw up.
♪ Oh we're gonna have a banana ♪
(jaunty music)
And now it's time to obey your thirst.
(audience laughing)
(jaunty music)
This is only level one.
Let's kick it up to the adult setting.
(ride whirring)
Free refills!
(jaunty music)
(passenger retching)
We got a puker everyone! We got a puker.
(ride whirring)
Oh, I'm not happy about this!
(ride whirring)
(passengers retching)
(Daniel retching)
(passengers retching)
All right, there's nobody waiting.
What do you say? One more time!
(passengers cheer)
(passengers retching)
Okay, there we go, my friend.
Good job. Good job.
Let me get your safety.
There you go.
(passenger retching)
Okay, well, I thought you were taking a header. (laughs)
That's fine.
(applauding)
(jaunty music)
That was so fun.
But, remember, you should absolutely not film yourself
doing the Sprite banana challenge
at amusement parks this summer.
That would be totally irresponsible.
(audience laughing)
(energetic music)
(audience laughing)
They can't all be Air Bud.
Hey dip (beep), maybe if you'd quit feeding your dog tacos,
he'd have better eyesight.
My insensitive staff found this video hysterical.
It's animal cruelty, as far as I'm concerned.
So I challenged them to see if they could do any better.
(energetic music)
(audience laughing)
(magazine thwapping)
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(audience laughing)
(employee gagging)
(audience laughing)
(lips smooching)
(audience laughs)
(energetic music)
Whenever someone pitches a joke that I don't like,
they have to get up on the table,
and dance their heart out for one minute.
And there's one writer who gets particularly
upset whenever he has to do this.
And for good reason, he appears to have scoliosis,
or rickets, possibly both.
Who wrote, "My God, right in the head?"
- That was me.
- All right. That's not even a joke.
Get on the table. Three, two, one.
(feet tapping)
(audience laughing)
Your girlfriend is a lucky woman.
- Yeah.
(everyone laughing)
- I am sure you all agree that was painful.
I felt so bad for him and his family
that I hired a new writer named Chris
just to help him get his groove back.
No, (laughs) I'm sorry. You know the rules.
(beep) you, that was funny.
(audience laughing)
(energetic music)
Now you try.
(audience laughing)
(employees applauding)
(energetic music)
That sweet old lady with a camel toe is Joanna
and she is the genius behind the world's only
horse inspired workout, Prancercise LLC.
(audience laughing)
(dramatic music)
Well, howdy Prancercising princess.
- Howdy Daniel. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you. I appreciate you coming.
My season starts in three days
and I need to get in tip top shape.
- Well Prancercise is the answer.
I'm telling you Daniel. There's nothing like it.
- I only got three days.
So I think I'm gonna need larger weights.
Is Prancercising based on your love for horses?
- What's not to love?
Strength, endurance, and vegetarians.
- What's the best music to Prancercise to?
- I love Motown.
(upbeat music)
Do the Prancercise walk first.
From side to side. Let's go.
- I'm ready to pick up the pace.
- All right. The next mode is the trot.
(man grunting)
- Don't sneak up on someone Prancercising.
- The trot is similar to the walk.
- Everyone should be Prancercising.
Guys, if you don't Prancercise, you're Prancerfired.
(feet tapping)
(employee groans)
Thank you! My body feels incredible Prancercise lady.
- Remember Daniel, keep on prancing.
(wings flapping)
Keep prancing. Keep on prancing.
Keep on prancing.
(energetic music)
(ball thudding)
- [Soccer Player] Do it again! One more!
- [Soccer Player] Bucket!
(everyone cheering)
- Is it over? I refuse to watch soccer.
(audience laughing)
I have a similar pre-show routine with gum.
We've never made it all the way around,
but we're getting close.
All right, which side do we want me to start on?
(Daniel spitting)
Ah, not supposed to chew it.
(Daniel spitting)
Are you purposely sabotaging this?
(Daniel spitting)
- Oh, it's so wet.
(Daniel spitting)
(Daniel groaning)
Oh, (beep).
- You gotta spit it back!
- It went in my mouth. I didn't think it would.
First time I'm good at anything.
- Just to be clear, the whole point of that bit,
was to spit wads of gum on him.
(audience laughing)
(energetic music)
Most of the people who work for me
are either overweight or have terrible diets.
I decided the best way to fix their eating habits
would be to secretly replace their snacks
with various poisons until those freeloading animals
were too afraid to eat anything at all.
(audience laughing)
The first thing I did was I set up a hidden camera
in our kitchen, put out some fancy dog treats, okay?
My staff will eat anything
if you set it out on a nice plate.
(audience laughing)
Everyone's eyeballing it.
She wants to make sure it's gluten-free.
(audience laughing)
That guy's favorite cookie in the world is a Fig Newton.
You'd think someone like that
would be impressed by dog food.
(audience laughing)
But, nope, he immediately spits it out.
That's one of our editors.
He's just chewing it. He's processing it.
This guy went down on Brie Olsen.
You'd think he could handle this.
(audience laughing)
Nope. That's coming out.
Then there's Ricky. All right.
I hate to do this to you, Ricky.
He's taking a bite of it and he's like, oh, that's not bad.
Try another bite. Let me get one more of those.
(audience laughing)
I like that he shakes his head here before he has a third.
That's his third dog treat!
His coat is going to look amazing.
(audience laughing)
(energetic music)
When I discovered this website called Momentary Ink,
that makes extremely realistic, custom, temporary tattoos,
I decided to toughen up the dorks on my staff
with some sick neck tats.
(energetic music)
All right, Eddie,
since you like the most boring ass basketball team,
I got you the most boring ass tattoo.
Pretty bad ass. Swish.
Tim Duncan bank shot.
(energetic music)
It's hard to embarrass a man who already
has a cassette tape permanently tattooed
to their arm and goes to Coachella every single year,
but I think this did the trick.
What we went with is a neck tat of the lyrics
of Smash Mouth's hit from the movie "Shrek," "All Star."
♪ Hey now, you're an all star ♪
♪ Get your game on, go hey ♪
You two rednecks went to the University of Alabama
so I'm sure you're gonna appreciate these Auburn tattoos.
Get a good shot of those for your stupid message boards
ya cousin fucking hillbillies.
War Eagle!
- War Eagle! - War Eagle!
(employee screeching)
- You still feeling the burn, Charlie?
Good luck explaining that to your liberal Hollywood friends.
All right, now it's my turn.
Remember, I love the dolphins, surfing,
and chocolate chip cookies.
Please be respectful.
A dick choker, dick and pubes, and tribal dick on my head?
I love it. I love it!
"Tosh.0" till we fucking die.
Nothing that a lotta gasoline and steel wool
couldn't scrub off.
(audience laughing)
(energetic music)
(audience laughing)
I prefer traditional porn, but in a pinch,
sorority recruitment videos will do.
Sororities all across the country are making these
because like any business they have to
trick new customers into wasting money.
And what is higher education without blowing glitter?
Laughing in slow motion?
And jumping in slow motion.
But what happens when sorority life ends?
I want those barely legal smoking hot chicks
to know they'll always have a home here at "Tosh.0."
So while you're waiting to get snatched up
by a wealthy husband,
why not move to L.A. and work for me?
(energetic music)
(audience laughing)
♪ Whoa, I feel so free ♪
♪ Whoa, let's do this again and again ♪
♪ Whoa, it'll never be over ♪
♪ Whoa, let's make sure it will never end ♪
♪ Feel so free ♪
♪ Whoa, we're living life to no end ♪
♪ No end, no end, no end, ♪
♪ No end ♪
♪ Uh, uh, no, nah, nah, say it never ends ♪
♪ Uh, no, say it never ends ♪
♪ Whoa, I feel so free ♪
♪ Whoa, let's make sure it will never end ♪
♪ Whoa, feel so free ♪
♪ Whoa, promise we can do this again ♪
♪ And never say it's over ♪
♪ Whoa, we're living life to no end ♪
(energetic music)
(gentle music)
(audience laughing)
(dog yelping)
(tape ripping)
Allie, I'm out of tape! I need more tape!
(man thudding)
HR said I couldn't use staples.
(audience laughing)
(energetic music)
Fidget spinners. I think we can all agree.
There's absolutely nothing annoying about them
and they will definitely stand the test of time.
I don't know why schools and workplaces are banning them.
They are scientifically proven to increase productivity.
In fact, I've started teaching
a fidget spin class at my office.
Find your fucking fidget.
One, two, one, two, spin.
Tilt it left. Tilt it right.
I know you feel like you're gonna die,
but don't you also feel like you're gonna live?
Double time. Double spin.
(energetic music)
Reverse spin.
Sign up for my class.
It fills up early because I play great music
and boy, do we sweat?
(audience laughing)
(energetic music)
There's finally a website I can wrap my stupid head around.
It's called somethingstore.com and here's how it works.
You send them $10 and they send you something.
(audience laughing)
So, naturally, I sent 'em 200 bucks.
According to my calculations, that's around 2 million,
I don't know, I'm not good at math.
I have no idea what's in any of these.
(boxes thudding)
(plastic ripping)
Look at this! I got a multi-tool.
What do you got over there?
- I got a hookah.
- Look at that hat!
- [Employee] Oh, that's amazing!
- That's perfect for you.
- Oh, look at this.
(everyone laughs)
- It's another (beep) wallet?
(everyone clapping)
- (laughs) That guy's got two wallets.
- I got a Kindle, you guys.
- [Employee] No you didn't.
- Yeah, I did.
- What the (beep)?
- It's the best one. I got the best one!
- This is bull (beep).
- (Daniel) This guy definitely stole (beep).
(everyone laughing)
That guy will either be a billionaire
or in jail by tomorrow morning.
(audience laughing)
Finally, my Jewish viewers will get to know
what Christmas really feels like.
Excitement. Then disappointment, followed by jealousy.
(audience laughing)
(energetic music)