I was running a bit behind today.
I thought, if you guys wouldn't mind,
I'd just like to write out my weekly Thank You Notes
right now. Is that cool with you?
[ Cheers and applause ]
James, can I get some Thank You Note writing music, please?
♪♪
-Wow. -Oh.
He's in a fantastic mood. -Yeah. Stone-cold handsome.
-I mean, yeah. -Look at him.
-Just always -- -Wow.
-Always in such a great mood. -Yeah. Mr. Champagne.
-There he is. Mr. Champagne. James.
[ Laughter ]
They call him Champagne James.
-Yeah, Champagne James. -Champagne James in the house.
-Yeah, he's in the house, man.
When he shows up, the party starts.
-Yeah. "You want some champagne?"
He goes, "Uh..." -"No."
-He goes, "No. No, I don't drink."
-"I've had too much already. I don't drink."
-Yeah.
-"They don't call me Champagne James for that reason."
-"It's because of my pers-- my efferves--
my effervescent personality."
-He has an effervescent personality, yeah.
-Yeah, he doesn't drink at all. Hasn't drunk in 20 years.
-Any liquid. -Any liquid at all.
-All of his liquid comes from, like, lettuce...
cantaloupe, you know, whatever.
-Yeah, herbivore. -Herbivore. Yeah, sure.
Or omnivore. He eats other stuff, too.
-Omnivore. That's true. -But whatever. You know.
Champagne James.
-Champagne James in the house!
[ Air horn blares ]
My man Champagne James showing up.
-Yeah.
-Everyone's at this party tonight!
My man Simon Rex in the house! -Yo!
-Yo, I saw my man Champagne James!
[ Air horn blares ]
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
-Yo, this party's poppin' tonight
Yo, you know Cindy Adams up in this piece!
-Yeah!
-You know Hal Linden's showing up with no shirt on!
-What?! -I think I saw --
I think I saw Champagne James.
[ Air horn blares ]
-"Barney Miller's" Hal Linden.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, man.
I was at a party years ago.
Diddy had a party, and he kept announcing
everyone who was arriving at the party,
and someone gave him the wrong card.
They kept giving him the same card.
So he kept announcing that Simon Rex was at the party.
They just kept giving him this --
"Yeah, we're having a great party.
Dude, Al Sharpton up in this...
Lorne Michaels is here. Blah, blah."
He's like, "Simon Rex up in this piece!"
And then he did something else, and then he came to like --
Ten minutes later, he's like,
"Oh, this party's crazy tonight, man.
Heidi Klum is here. Jimmy Fallon walked in.
My man Simon Rex is here."
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Thank you, new NBC show "Manifest"
about people being stuck on a plane for five years.
Or, as Spirit Airline calls it,
"the feel-good show of the year."
[ Laughter ]
"Yeah, we're, uh, not gonna take off, so..."
"What'd he say?" "Just forget it."
"Pretend I didn't say anything."
-[ Steve laughing ]
-"Now we're going to land,
but it's, uh, five years later, so, uh...
-"What's that? I can't -- Honey, I can't hear the pilot.
-Sit back and relax and please
take all your, uh, belongings with you.
Thank you for being on Spirit Airlines for five years.
-Is he talking to us?
-You've been on the plane for five -- Hold on one second.
I'm getting something from the tower.
What's that?"
-A-A-A-And... it's five years later.
Oh, Champagne James is on the flight."
[ Air horn blares ]
♪♪
-"Uh...the wife and I really aren't getting along."
[ Laughter ]
-"So, uh... -"Microphone's on."
-I'm real tired right now.
I slept on the couch at, uh, my brother's house.
She took the kids, and, uh..."
-"I just got an e-mail from my doctor.
It turns out I have erectile dysfunction."
[ Laughter ]
-Wow. -What is going on?
-We should not have flown coach. -This is --
We're in first class. -What?!
-"She's leaving me for Champagne James."
[ Air horn blares ]
-Thank you, movie-theater popcorn.
I know you're the size of a small bathtub,
but I'm still going to finish you ten minutes
before the movie even starts.
[ Laughter ]
-"No refills?"
[ Munching ]
-"Free refills!" -"Hurry up! Eat it up!"
♪♪
-Thank you, squash,
for being the only food that makes people go,
"Hey, see that weird curvy thing on the ground covered in warts?
We should use that as a centerpiece."
[ Applause ]
Thank you, drinking Gatorade, for meaning one of two things.
You're an elite athlete in peak physical condition...
or you're more hungover than you've ever been
in your entire life.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Thank you, unused chip clips in my kitchen,
for letting me pretend I don't always finish
the entire bag of Fritos all at once.
A couple crumbs. -Oh, yeah.
-Gotta keep these crumbs fresh, man.
♪♪
Thank you, Gucci's new leather underwear,
for finding a way to make dad walking around in his underwear
even more upsetting.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
♪♪
Thank you, this week's big movies,
"Night School" and "Smallfoot."
One is a Kevin Hart movie
and the other one just sounds like a Kevin Hart movie.
-Hey! Hey!
♪♪
Hey! Hey!
-When you're here, you're family.
-Oh, okay. Hospitaliano. -Yeah.
♪♪
Thank you, 5-hour Energy, for giving me the energy I need
to spend the next five hours thinking
"I'm going to have a heart attack."
There you guys have it. Those are my Thank You Notes.