okay everyone let's do an experiment
close your eyes and think of a happy
memory one that makes you smile every
time you recall it okay got it now open
your eyes
now when you searched your memory banks
we're the events of your life a linear
progression of everything from birth
until right now no of course not what
you recalled were moments and when I
asked you to think of a happy one a
particular moment just popped into your
head I bet you didn't even have to think
about it it's just there and you feel
happy and you know what that feeling of
happiness doesn't come from the actual
moment but instead how we decide to
react to the moment that's called our
emotional response we decide how to
react we decide what to feel you decided
consciously or unconsciously that the
moment you remembered right now is a
happy one so what does this tell us it's
not the moments that define us but our
choices and our reactions that make us
who we are and in those choices resides
our biggest potential and it's called
responsibility and my story today is a
story of responsibility I'm a survivor
of child sexual abuse I'm 15 years old
and my high school choir director is
sexually abusing me the abuse lasts two
years until I become too old and he
moves on to one of my friends but before
the abuse even starts
I'm very carefully groomed and grooming
is how a child sex predator weeds out
the strong kids with high self-esteem
because a predator doesn't want those
kids instead of predator targets the
weaker ones like me a sad kid a kid who
needs love predators use manipulation
flattery attention gifts
in time to fill the holes in a child's
weak and suffering self-esteem and let's
face it my self-esteem has a lot of
holes I already have a history of
depression and I've been hospitalized
for being suicidal
I crave time with an adult who will
listen to me and validate me I want to
mentor I need love but I do not need
crave or want sexual abuse when the
abuse is in full force my predator
manipulates me into thinking that what's
happening is not rape but love and he
does this to isolate me from my friends
and family and make himself the center
of my world that's how a child sex
predator creates a compliant victim a
victim who's too scared to say no a
victim who's too scared to fight back a
victim who's too scared to leave and a
victim who then becomes too scared to
report by the time the abuse is over I'm
wounded and I'm scarred and I'm 17 and
I'm pregnant and I have a sexually
transmitted disease and I'm also uh
turley alone in seeing the intended
effects of grooming but not
understanding what's going on my friends
and my peers they think I wanted the
abuse they think I'm happy with it
they're scared of my predator and
they're disgusted with me so I'm totally
isolated haha my abusers grand plan has
worked
because you see predators are cunning
and my friends and I are not things
aren't much better at home my parents
are old school and my mother's nuts so
when they find out about what's going on
it's very easy for them to point the
fingers of blame at me they tell me I
should have known better
so without intervention and without
support my emotional development comes
to a crashing halt all I know how to be
is a victim and as time progresses after
the abuse I find myself more and more in
victim like situations I get into bad
relationships
I'm self-destructive I hurt people who
love me because you know they that will
adage is true hurt people hurt people I
sabotage every chance of success I have
you see I want to hurt because pain is a
feeling I understand pain is my friend
because you know what pain will never
abandon me but I hate myself oh you know
by this time I have a college grad I was
a straight-a student yeah I'm supposed
to be conquering the world not
conquering myself but the years go on
and I still live like a victim then one
day I have this moment of clarity and
because I'm so steeped in self-loathing
moments of clarity are few and far
between and I realize that I'm dangling
from this precipice of my own creation
and all I need to do is let go I will
crash and it'll all be over how the hell
did I end up here my my abuser didn't
force me here my parents didn't force me
here at the point of a gun my high
school friends and peers they didn't you
know force me here with torches and
pitchforks I put me here by remaining a
victim and that day I realized I have a
real choice here I can live or I can die
I can take responsibility and I can heal
or I can remain a victim and soon I'll
be pushing up daisies so in that moment
I decide you know what I'm going to do
something that's totally against how I
have existed for the past 10 12 years I
am a live no I'm going to thrive but the
first thing that I have to do is going
to be the hardest I have to take
responsibility for putting myself on
that precipice I have to take
responsibility for my life I have to
take responsibility for the fact that my
abuse happened not blame but
responsibility I was an innocent child
and the abuse was not my fault but you
know what I can't change the past so I
have to make peace with it
and the only person who can do that for
me is me I have to take responsibility
for the fact that you know what my
parents they weren't perfect but you
know what I turned out okay they did a
good job and they love me and they're
sorry my choices and my actions and my
reactions after the abuse were my doing
not theirs it's time to let go of anger
it's time to forgive my parents I have
to take responsibility for the fact that
the circumstances surrounding my abuse
hurt a lot of other people oh my god oh
I finally understand while my friends
were so mad now I realized that I can't
change their opinion of me and it's an
opinion that still stings but what I can
do is I can tell them how truly sorry I
am about what happened and I can do it
without blaming myself and when I do
that the sting starts to go away a
little bit and then as I take
responsibility it's like this veil it's
lifted and I can see how like holy
smokes
if I take responsibility I can create
the future that I want I can create my
potential I can create a world full of
happiness and joy and engagement and
connection I can use my power my story
to empower and inspire instead of using
it to shame myself I can be happy and
that's startling because you know I
don't even know how to be happy but I
was a straight-a student so I'm gonna
buy book on how to be happy
but I have to take control I have to
stop letting other ideas and people's
people and events trigger me into
depression or anger or defensiveness I
have to choose to no longer be a victim
and I have to regain the power in my
life and then another light bulb goes
off being oh if I take the power back in
my life I can hold people accountable
for what they did to me and I can stand
on equal footing when I do it I can hold
my abuser count accountable and I can
hold the people who covered up for him
accountable I can fight for my own
justice and I can fight for justice for
other people and in that moment when I
took responsibility my world transformed
and I haven't stopped smiling since and
you know what it's no different for any
of you now you're sitting here saying
well it's almost break time I got to go
to the bathroom and I wasn't sexually
abused it's not going to work
think about it think about the anger we
all carry and the resentment towards
things that happened in those moments
the times we were hurt the times we
failed the times we made really bad
even when the decisions were not our
fault how many times have we looked back
and blamed our parents for our bad
reactions and our bad decisions how many
times have we blamed our bosses or our
employers for the times we made crappy
career choices how many times have we
said oh I can't they'll never love me
I'll never get that job I'm alone I'm
marginalized the man is keeping me down
you don't have to be that person you
don't want to be that person you can
blossom and thrive when you take
responsibility for your actions and
reactions and you can let go of the
negative self-talk and the triggers and
the self-destructive behaviors the only
person who can empower you is you but if
you don't take responsibility the power
within you will die
think about it you can do anything when
you take responsibility go run that 5k
start a business if the holidays upset
you invent new holiday traditions
shocking a smile vote forgive tell
someone you're sorry stand up for
yourself stop enabling let go of anger
and toxic people find common ground with
an opponent
sit up straight it always works everyone
sits up straight surround yourself with
love but you will not be able to do that
unless you take responsibility and you
let go of the artificial moral high
ground of
dumb hood and create the future that you
want because if you do that if you take
responsibility you will change your
world and when you take responsibility
you will have the power to change the
whole world
thank you
[Applause]