>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT.
THERE YOU GO. HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME BACK. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
YOU KNOW MY FIRST GUEST FROM HIS STANDUP COMEDY SPECIALS
AND HIS APPEARANCES ON "CBS SUNDAY MORNING."
HE NOW STARS IN THE NEW MOVIE "LINOLEUM."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW,"
JIM GAFFIGAN.
♪ ♪ >> Jim: THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: ALWAYS A PLEASURE. ALWAYS A DISTINCT PLEASURE TO
HAVE YOU HERE. JIM, IT'S BEEN TOO LONG.
HOW ARE YOU DOING? >> Jim: I'M, I'M EXHAUSTED.
WHEN YOU HAVE SOMEONE ON THE SHOW, YOU WANT SOMEONE TO JUST
COME OUT AND COMPLAIN BUT I'M TIRED.
I'M ALWAYS TIRED. I AM MARRIED TO A WOMAN WHO
NEVER SLEEPS. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU ARE WITH A
NONSLEEPER. >> Stephen: SHE IS MUCH MORE
UP AND AT 'EM THAT I AM. >> Jim: IF YOU'RE WITH SOMEONE
WHO NEVER SLEEPS, YOU ATTEMPT TO GET REST AND YOU APPEAR SELFISH.
EVERY NIGHT MY WIFE IS LIKE, OAK, YOU'RE GOING TO BED?
IT'S 3:00 A.M. I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME.
I DO. IS THERE SOMETHING YOU NEED TO
TELL ME? I'M TIRED.
I'M ALWAYS TIRED. PEOPLE THINK I'M HUNG OVER.
I'VE HAD PEOPLE LIKE, DID YOU TIE ONE ON LAST NIGHT?
NO, THIS IS JUST MY BODY TRYING TO STAY ALIVE.
I'VE ACTUALLY BECOME ONE OF THOSE GUYS THAT WHEN I'M SITTING
IN A CHAIR AND I GO TO GET OUT OF THE CHAIR, PEOPLE AROUND ME
ARE LIKE, I DON'T THINK HE'S GOING TO BE ABLE TO DO IT.
IT'S LIKE, I HAVE TO MAKE A PLAN.
LIKE IF I WAS GOING TO GET UP RIGHT NOW, I WOULD HAVE TO BE
LIKE ALL RIGHT, THROW THAT BIG HEAD FORWARD AND WISH FOR THE
BEST. IT'S BRUTAL.
IT'S NO JOKE. RECENTLY MY WIFE WAS LIKE, WE
NEED TO FIND OUT WHY YOU'RE SO TIRED.
I WAS LIKE, "I THINK IT'S YOU." >> Stephen: HOW DID SHE TAKE
THAT? >> Jim: SHE HAD ME CALL OUR
DOCTOR WHO IS REALLY OUR PEDIATRICIAN.
SHE IS AN AMAZING DOCTOR. SHE HAD ME DO ONE OF THESE AT
HOME SLEEP STUDIES WHERE I SLEPT WITH A MASK ON.
I DROPPED IT OFF AND SHE CALLED TWO WEEKS LATER AND SHE WAS LIKE
JIM, WE SHOULD TALK TO THESE RESULTS.
I'M LIKE, SURE. SHE'S LIKE, FIRST OF ALL YOU
HAVE TO UNDERSTAND MILLIONS OF PEOPLE SUFFER FROM SLEEP APNEA.
BUT YOU ARE JUST A LAZY SACK. WHAT A RELIEF.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. MY BODY IS JUST A LEMON.
MY FANTASY IS THAT WHEN I DIE, THEY'LL DISCOVER I HAD LYME
DISEASE MY ENTIRE LIFE. LIKE THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY WILL
GATHER AND BE LIKE, HE'S THE MOST PRODUCTIVE LYME DISEASER
EVER. >> Stephen: WHAT COURAGE, WITH
COURAGE, THEY'LL SAY. KIDS CAN MAKE YOU TIRED.
I KNOW YOU'VE GOT THE FIVE KIDS WHICH THESE DAYS IS A LOT OF
KIDS. THEY MUST WEAR YOU DOWN.
HOW IS THAT GOING? >> Jim: IT'S --
IT'S -- IT WAS A MISTAKE.
>> Stephen: ALL OF THEM ARE JUST THE LAST ONE?
>> Jim: I WOULD SAY ALL OF THEM.
IT'S A LOT. FIVE KIDS.
IT'S NOT LIKE, YOU KNOW, IF I DID ANYTHING ABOUT IT NOW,
PEOPLE WOULD GET SO UPSET. IF I WAS LIKE, HOW OLD IS THE
FETUS? 17 YEARS.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? FIVE KIDS IS A LOT.
MY WIFE WORKS SO HARD, WORK SO HARD AND I TRIED TO TRAVEL AS
MUCH AS I CAN. >> Stephen: DO YOUR PART.
>> Jim: THERE IS ALWAYS HELP. THERE'S A BABYSITTER OR HELPER.
THESE PEOPLE HAVE INCREDIBLE BACK STORIES.
OFTEN THEY HAVE ESCAPED FROM A COUNTRY WITH OPPRESSIVE REGIME,
THEY ARE USUALLY SENDING MONEY BACK TO HELP A RELATIVE.
AFTER THEY HAVE WORKED FOR US FOR A MONTH, THEY ALWAYS COME UP
AND SAY THE SAME THING. "I QUIT."
I WILL ASK, DO YOU NEED MORE MONEY AND THEY'RE LIKE, I'M
GOING BACK TO NORTH KOREA. THAT PLACES LIKE A VACATION
COMPARED TO YOUR FAMILY. >> Stephen: WELL, OKAY.
HOW ABOUT VACATIONS? YOU HAVE THE FIVE KIDS.
WHEN I WAS A KID WE WOULD PILE EVERYBODY INTO THE STATION WAGON
WITH A MATTRESS IN THE BACK AND OFF WE WOULD GO PLAYING "EYES
SPY." ARE YOU A FUN VACATION FAMILY?
>> Jim: I'M SO LUCKY BECAUSE OF STAND-UP COMEDY.
I'VE BEEN ABLE TO TAKE MY CHILDREN AMAZING PLACES.
I WILL DO A SHOW AND ITS INCREDIBLE PLACES WITH THEM AND
DURING EACH OF THESE TRIPS THERE IS USUALLY A MOMENT WHERE I LOOK
AT MY KIDS AND I THINK I COULD JUST LEAVE THEM HERE.
YOU KNOW. IT'S TOO HARD.
IT'S TOO HARD TO TRAVEL. THAT'S WHY EVERY DAD, YEAH,
EVERY DAD ON VACATION AND KIND OF LOOKS LIKE HE LOST A BET.
WE HAVE ALL BEEN ON VACATION. WE HAVE SEEN THAT 50-YEAR-OLD
GUY WHO'S JUST KIND OF CONFUSED. HE IS LOOKING AROUND.
LIKE, THIS IS MY VACATION? BUT I'M NOT HAVING ANY FUN.
IT'S AMAZING. >> Stephen: DID YOU ALWAYS
WANT TO BE A COMEDIAN? >> Jim: I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE
A COMEDIAN AND AN ACTOR. BUT I GREW UP IN A SMALL TOWN IN
THE MIDWEST. I DIDN'T REALLY --
THERE WAS NO ONE IN THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY.
>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU BECOME THAT?
>> Jim: THE CLOSEST THING WAS THE MARCHING BAND AND I DIDN'T
PLAY AN INSTRUMENT SO IT WAS JUST VERY, YOU KNOW, IT WAS KIND
OF LIKE BEING AN ASTRONAUT. IT WAS A DELUSIONAL IDEA.
BUT I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS LIKE PROBABLY 8 YEARS OLD, MY MOM
TOOK ME AND MY BROTHER JOE TO A MOVIE AND THEN AFTERWARDS WE
WERE IN THE CHICKEN ON LIMITED WHICH I THINK IS REALLY A
RESTAURANT. SHE ASKED US, WHAT DO YOU WANT
TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP AND MY BROTHER SAID HE WANTED TO BE A
HELICOPTER PILOT AND I SAID I WANTED TO BE AN ACTRESS.
>> Stephen: GOOD FOR YOU. WE HAVE TO TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF
A BREAK BUT STICK AROUND. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
MR. JIM GAFFIGAN, EVERYBODY.