Among life’s greatest joys are wearing warm pyjamas that just came out of the dryer
and waking up thinking you need to go to work but then realizing it’s a Sunday.
But nothing can match the ecstasy of a furry every time he sees a kitsune.
Today’s topic is the kitsune 狐, or the fox.
Specifically, their powers of shapeshifting, possession, and illusions.
So kitsune 狐 means fox in Japanese.
I’ve seen some people say it means nine-tailed fox, but those people were sniffing glue.
It just means fox.
Some foxes are good, others are tricksters or outright evil.
In Japanese folklore, there’s no difference between normal foxes, and supernatural foxes.
All foxes become more powerful the longer they live.
So the next time you see a fox in the wild, you won’t know if it’s a harmless creature
or one with supernatural powers until it sleeps with you.
Kitsune are super lewd.
Let’s talk about how pervy they are, because that’s the kind of channel this is.
They love to shapeshift into human form and seduce a man.
It’s common for a husband to find out that his wife was a fox only after years of marriage.
Corrupting Buddhist priests is a favorite hobby of theirs.
They have a fetish for the divine.
One of the most common types of fox stories is where a fox changes into human form,
seduces a traveler, invites him home for a delicious meal on the table and in bed,
then disappears the next morning.
The man would wake up in the middle of nowhere and realize that he wasn’t eating
premium sushi and Kobe beef the night before, his food was an appetizing mix of
rotting leaves, moss, trash, and poop.
Still, you may think that having to eat a bit of poop before spending the night with a kitsune
doesn’t sound that bad.
Until you find out that if a kitsune wanted to, it could suck up all of your life energy,
leaving only enough for you to live a few more days.
And then you would realize that, it still doesn’t sound that bad.
Women aren’t safe from these fluffy Japanese succubi either.
Like your ex, foxes will sleep with anyone.
Stories of women lying with foxes are usually quite assaulty.
When a fox sleeps with a man, he always has a good time in the foxhole.
When a fox sleeps with a woman, she’d often be in pain and be yelling for help.
Foxes are rough in bed, I guess.
The woman is usually really sore afterwards in the areas of her body that experienced
the most friction.
A common remedy was to boil buckwheat in water and apply the liquid to her privates.
Some say a fox will tell the victim how to treat the pain afterwards, maybe to make amends
for what it did.
What a gentleman.
Shapeshifting is the power that kitsune are most famous for.
Like the tanuki, kitsune can shapeshift into people or objects.
Unlike the tanuki, kitsune don’t have big ball sacks.
A common ritual the fox uses to shapeshift is putting a skull on its head
and biting on a bone.
It may also cover itself with leaves and face the North Star and bow over 100 times,
keeping the skull on its head.
After this adorable ritual, the fox would change to a human.
Younger, less powerful foxes can only stay in human form for a short time,
but older, stronger foxes can stick with their disguise for years.
Now a fox in human form can cause all kinds of trouble.
Let me tell you what to look for to prevent yourself from getting seduced by a fox.
Half of you degenerates just skipped to the next section, didn’t you?
Let’s say you’re at lunch sitting down in McDonald’s about to swallow a Quarter
Pounder with Cheese when this hot girl walks up,
so hot she could boil water and make enough steam to turn a generator
and become a source of renewable energy if she wanted to.
She sits down next to you, calls herself Eva, and immediately starts hitting on you.
Now how do you know if she’s a real woman or a fox?
Well, this would never happen to you, so you instantly know she’s not real, but let’s pretend anyways.
The easiest thing to do is to stare at her butt, which you’re already doing, so off to a good start.
Keep staring intently because sometimes a fox will mess up and its tail will pop out
from beneath its clothing.
Sometimes you may also see some fur peek out from the collar or sleeves.
Check out Eva’s jawline because often the impostor’s face may be more triangular,
like a fox.
You can look at her reflection on your cup of water.
Water always reflects a fox’s true form.
Listen closely to her words.
It’s hard for foxes to say certain words, like “moshi.”
They say this is why people in Japan answer phone calls by saying “moshi moshi.”
The practice started because people wanted to make sure the person on the other end wasn’t a fox.
This is a very popular explanation for the origin of “moshi moshi,”
so I can safely say that it’s 100% BS.
Another thing you can do is grab a nearby dog and have it sniff Eva.
Foxes are terrified of dogs.
Dogs can sniff them out.
A dog’s bark may be enough to scare the fox out of its human skin.
One awesome story told of a woman who realized that her lover was a fox when she saw that
his manhood looked like a fox’s manhood.
Good for her but now I’m concerned about why she was so familiar with fox diks.
What I’m saying is, check Eva’s manhood.
Another power that kitsune have is possession.
They can invade your body and possess you like a ghost.
In ancient times, fox possession was seen as a real disease.
A fox can enter your body through the underside of your fingernails, or through your breasts.
You know, I was having a good day until I discovered that fact.
And then I had a great day.
So you can guard against possession by wearing gloves or not having breasts.
This is why Asian women don’t have breasts. For protection.
A person possessed by a not-so-powerful fox will act really crazy.
They will run around and yell weird things like “Let me eat tofu!”
Tofu is one of the fox’s favorite foods.
But if a really powerful fox possesses someone, it wouldn’t be as obvious.
The victim would sometimes seem normal, and sometimes seem weird,
like they would have weird habits.
These include eating only food that foxes like,
staying away from people,
only hanging out with dumber people,
not allowing anything to touch their armpits (which doesn’t seem that strange),
and hiding hair in strange places around the house.
They really do all manners of strange things.
Supposedly, the victim can hear the fox inside them, and can get into fierce internal arguments.
Were these cases of fox possession in the old days mostly just cases of mentally ill people? Most likely.
Once a fox has taken over someone, how do you exorcise it?
There were a lot of supposed treatments that were about as effective as
wearing a mask under your nose to protect yourself from a shotgun blast.
One treatment was to smear fish paste all over the victim’s body and have a dog lick it off.
Because foxes are scared of dogs, obviously.
People put smelly things, like sulfur, under the victim’s nose to drive the fox away in disgust.
Sometimes people burned and beat the victim.
Kitsune are masters of illusion.
David Blaine is a kitsune.
Combined with shapeshifting, they can pull off some really convincing tricks.
There are stories of people being under the fox’s illusion for years.
Fox trickery can be really random.
They’re like teenagers who suddenly gained superpowers and are just going around doing psycho shit.
Some of their tricks are just funny… like making people walk the same 20 steps back and forth,
or shaving someone’s head.
Sometimes you can see a fox moving its tail around, controlling people from afar using its tail.
But some of their tricks are totally not cool, like trapping some poor schmuck in an illusion for years,
duping people into entering the woods and getting lost forever, or making people go insane.
Foxes are known to make these fireballs, called kitsune-bi 狐火, or foxfire.
Sometimes when it’s dark or when you’re in the forest, you may see orbs of light in the distance.
These are foxfire lights.
Some say foxes can breath flame or fireballs, others say they hold animal bones in their mouths
and make them glow.
They can use the lights to lure people into dangerous places.
Sometimes at night, if you’re lucky, you may see a long chain of foxfire lights,
often miles long, marching in the darkness.
This is a fox wedding.
They say in the daytime, when it’s raining but the sun is out, it means a fox wedding parade is happening nearby,
where a fox couple just got married and they’re celebrating.
At nighttime, you can see their orbs of light as they walk. But if you get close, the lights disappear.
There have been reports of people finding trails of fox poop, and saying that it’s
evidence of a fox wedding.
It’s also evidence that foxes are rude little buggers.
Who poops on the floor in the middle of a wedding?
So how do you know if you’re currently trapped in a fox illusion?
You could try pinching yourself.
If you don’t feel pain, you’re probably in an illusion.
You could also, if you have a fried rat handy, throw the fried rat on the ground.
Foxes love fried rat and will drop its illusion to jump on that mouthwatering hunk of crispy rat meat.
You know, I thought there were a lot more ways to tell if you’re in a fox illusion,
but when I went online to Bing it, I couldn’t find anything else.
Alright, today’s quiz question is this:
What is the name of the Heian female adult entertainer who were also puppeteers?
Answer in the comments, and tomorrow I’ll choose a winner from among the correct answers.
Winner gets one of these.
Want some kitsune folktales? Click here. I’ll see you there.
Alright I love you, and spread the knowledge!