( APPLAUSE )
THAT IS JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
THERE YOU GO.
( APPLAUSE )
IT'S A REAL HONOR.
YOU KNOW WE-- LISTEN, I'M HAPPY ANYONE WOULD WANT TO COME TALK
TO THIS GOOFY GUY ON THIS SHOW, BUT SOMETIMES WE GET GUESTS WHO
TRULY HONOR US WITH THEIR PRESENCE, AND TODAY JUSTICE
STEPHEN BREYER, SITTING SUPREME COURT JUSTICE, IS ON THE SHOW
TONIGHT.
HE'S GOT A NEW BOOK-- HE'S GOT A NEW BOOK, TALK ABOUT SOME STUFF.
AND I'M GOING TO HIT HIM WITH SOME HARD QUESTIONS.
THE HARDEST WHICH IS, OBVIOUSLY, IS A HOT DOG A SANDWICH.
>> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: AND I DON'T BELIEVE I'VE ASKED HIM THAT
BEFORE.
>> Jon: THAT'S A TOUGH ONE.
>> Stephen: I JUST HOPE THAT ANSWER DOESN'T BREAK DOWN ALONG
IDEOLOGICAL LINES, YOU KNOW.
BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT THE COURT TO SEEM POLITICAL.
>> Jon: RIGHT.
>> Stephen: AND THIS WILL TELL US.
>> Jon: I KNOW.
>> Stephen: THIS WILL TELL US.
THIS IS THE LITMUS TEST RIGHT HERE.
JON, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS, BUT THIS AFTERNOON,
SHORTLY BEFORE WE CAME IN HERE TO REHEARSE THE SHOW, WE FOUND
OUT THAT COMEDY GREAT NORM MacDONALD DIED TODAY AFTER A
LONG BATTLE WITH CANCER.
AND I CAN'T SAY THAT NORM AND I WERE CLOSE.
I WROTE FOR "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" FOR ONE MONTH, FOR THREE
SHOWS, A GUEST WRITER.
IT'S HARD TO FIND YOUR SPOT OVER THERE IF YOU'RE JUST IN FOR A
SHORT PERIOD OF TIME.
AND NORM GOES, "COME SIT WITH US.
COME SIT WITH US."
AND I ENDED UP WRITING FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE" THE WHOLE TIME
THERE I WAS.
AND HE IS, IN MY OPINION, GREATEST HOST OF "WEEKEND
UPDATE" THEY HAVE HAD.
NOT TO TAKE AWAY FROM ANYBODY ELSE, BUT HE WAS MY CUP OF TEA.
I LIKED THAT HE TOLD JOKES, IN THE NICEST POSSIBLE WAY, DIDN'T
SEEM TO CARE IF THE AUDIENCE LIKED THEM.
BUT HE LIKED THE JOKE.
THEY WERE SOMETIMES DARK, SOMETIMES EVEN TOO DARK FOR ME.
BUT THEY WERE DARK AND STRANGE AND HE HAD A WONDERFUL PRESENCE.
AND, AGAIN, TOOK ME IN.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND THAT'S ALL I WANTED TO SAY.
AND I WISH I WERE A GOOD ENOUGH COMEDIAN TO COME UP WITH A JOKE
RIGHT NOW ABOUT NORM MacDONALD HAVING DIED.
BUT THE ONLY COMEDIAN I KNOW WHO COULD GET AWAY WITH A "NORM
MacDONALD IS DEAD JOKE," IS NORM MacDONALD.
AND I'M GOING TO MISS THE FACT THAT THERE'S NOBLEST ON THE
PLANET WHO CAN DO THAT.
AND THE COMEDY WORLD IS POORER FOR IT TODAY.
SO I HOPE SOMEWHERE UP THERE, OR WHEREVER...
( LAUGHTER )
RIGHT OVER THERE, PULLING TOGETHER THE FINEST, NEWSIEST
LIMESTONE, CHISELING IN THE MOST DELICATE AND TOPICAL OF
BAS-RELIEFS, AND THE MOST ORNATE ARCHES, MAKING SURE THERE'S NARY
A BAD SEAT IN THE HOUSE, THEN ASSEMBLING THE MOST FEARSOME
NEWS WARRIORS THE ARENA HAS EVER SEEN TO CONSTRUCT FOR YOU THE
ROMAN COLOSSEUM THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I WAKE UP MY NEIGHBOR AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING,
DRAG HIM INTO MY SHED, WHERE I'VE SET UP A KIDDIE POOL I
BOUGHT 20 YEARS AGO AND FILLED WITH EXPIRED JELL-O AND LUKEWARM
BEER, HUFF SOME ACETONE OUT OF A PRICE CHOPPER BAG, THEN
CHALLENGE HIM TO JOIN ME IN THE OLD MAN WRESTLING LEAGUE OF
NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S GOING TO MAKE ALL THE PAIN GO AWAY.
MEANWHILE, IT'S A GREAT TIME TO BE IN THE MARKET FOR A USED CAR,
BECAUSE "MAD MAX: FURY ROAD'S ICONIC FLEET OF POST-APOCALYPTIC
WAR RIGS ARE UP FOR AUCTION."
AND THERE ARE SOME GREAT CHOICES FOR FAMILIES HERE.
SOME OF THEM COME WITH EXTRA SEATING.
RIGHT UP FRONT.
( LAUGHTER )
BAND, THERE'S ALSO PLENTY OF ROOM FOR BRYSON TO PRACTICE
FLAMETHROWER GUITAR.
( LAUGHTER )
NAMED ITS NEWEST BRIDGE AFTER ICONIC "SIMPSONS" CHARACTER, NED
FLANDERS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT IS THE GREATEST INFRASTRUCTURE HONOR FOR A
CARTOON CHARACTER SINCE ARIZONA'S WILE E. COYOTE TUNNEL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, THE "USA TODAY" IS ADVISING NON-JEWISH PEOPLE,
"DON'T SAY 'HAPPY YOM KIPPUR' ON THE DAY OF ATONEMENT.
OTHER THINGS NOT TO SAY TO JEWS ON YOM KIPPUR: "MERRY
CHRISTMAS," AND "L'SHANA TOYOTATHON."
THE PROPER THING TO SAY IS "G'MAR CHA-TIMAH TO-VAH," OR
"MAY YOU BE SEALED IN THE BOOK OF LIFE," BECAUSE YOM KIPPUR IS
SOLEMN.
AS ONE CELEBRANT PUT IT, "THIS ISN'T A DAY OF RAUCOUSNESS AND
PARTYING."
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOM KIPPUR IS NOT FOR RAUCOUSNESS AND PARTYING.
PURIM IS THE ONE WHERE YOU BREAK OUT THE BEER YARMULKE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, SOMETIMES WE HERE AT "MEANWHILE" MEDIA SOLUTIONS AND
SECOND-HAND GOODS EMPORIUM FIND SO MANY STORIES ABOUT THE ICE
AGE THAT WE HAVE TO COVER IT IN OUR SPECIAL "MEANWHILE"
SUB-SEGMENT: "PLEISTOCENE-WHILE."
( LAUGHTER )
SCIENTISTS AND ENTREPRENEURS HAVE STARTED A NEW COMPANY TO
GENETICALLY RESURRECT THE WOOLLY MAMMOTH BY EDITING ELEPHANT
D.N.A. AND ADDING GENES FOR MAMMOTH TRAITS LIKE DENSE HAIR
AND THICK FAT-- A PROCESS KNOWN TO HUMANS AS "QUARANTINING."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT-- BUT THE COMPANY IS ALREADY
FACING ETHICAL ISSUES, WITH SOME ASKING, IS IT HUMANE TO PRODUCE
AN ANIMAL WHOSE BIOLOGY WE KNOW SO LITTLE ABOUT?
YES, SCIENCE.
THE LAST TIME WE TRIED TO MESS WITH THE NATURAL ORDER OF THINGS
WE WENT TOO FAR AND ENDED UP WITH APPLE PIE OREOS.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
SCIENTISTS HAVE LOCATED THE LIKELY ORIGIN FOR THE
DINOSAUR-KILLING ASTEROID.
IS IT SPACE?
BECAUSE I THINK IT'S SPACE.
( LAUGHTER )
DID I WIN SCIENCE?
NOW, I'M GOING TO PAUSE HERE FOR A SECOND, BECAUSE THAT SOUND
YOU'RE HEARING IS A BUNCH OF DORKS POINTING OUT THAT THE
ASTEROID THAT KILLED THE DINOSAURS WAS IN THE CRETACEOUS,
MORE THAN 60 MILLION YEARS BEFORE THE PLEISTOCENE EPOCH
BEGAN AND, THEREFORE, THIS STORY HAS NO PLACE IN
PLEISTOCENE-WHILE, AND THEY ARE CORRECT.
WHICH--
IN ALL FAIRNESS, THEY ARE CORRECT.
WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY PLEISTOCENE-WHILE SUBSEGMENT,
"SUCK MY ASS-WHILE.