>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HAPPY FRIDAY.
>> Jon: HAPPY FRIDAY.
>> WE MADE IT THROUGH ANOTHER ONE.
>> Jon: MADE IT THROUGH THE WEEK.
>> Stephen: ONE OF THE REASONS I CAN MAKE IT TO EVERY FRIDAY IS
I KNOW I GET TO DO IT FOR A FRIDAY CROWD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: FRIDAY AUDIENCE IS SO HYPE.
>> Stephen: THEY'RE THE BLOOD IN MY VEINS.
ALSO TONIGHT ONE OF MY FAVORITE MUSICAL ARTISTS OF ALL TIME IS
HERE.
ELVIS COSTELLO IS HERE.
>> YES, INDEED, ELVIS COSTELLO IS INCREDIBLE.
>> Stephen: AN ABSOLUTE GIANT, ROCK 'N' ROLL HALL OF FAMER.
HE IS GOING TO PERFORM.
THE IMPOSTERS ARE HERE WITH HIM TONIGHT, AND HE WILL BE PLAYING
WITH THESE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.
I'M JEALOUS OF THESE PEOPLE.
FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME
RIGHT OVER THERE, SORTING THROUGH THE DAY'S TOP STORIES,
CAREFULLY SELECTING THE FRESHEST, MOST TOPICAL
NEWS-FRUIT, ARTFULLY CARVING IT INTO SATIRICAL SHAPES, DIPPING
IT IN THE FINEST ARTISANAL CHOCOLATE, AND GENTLY PLACING IT
INTO THE FLAWLESSLY COMPOSED AND DELICIOUS EDIBLE ARRANGEMENT
THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I WAKE UP FACE DOWN IN
THE RECYCLING BIN BEHIND A JAMBA JUICE, FIGHT A SEAGULL FOR THE
DISCARDED CANTALOUPE RINDS AND PINEAPPLE STEMS, DIP 'EM
INTO A BUCKET OF DIESEL SIPHONED FROM A SEMI FULL OF UNWASHED
BIRD BONES, WHICH I USE TO SKEWER TOGETHER MY GARBAGE
KEBABS, THEN STAB 'EM ONTO A WATERLOGGED TEDDY BEAR TO CREATE
THE CRIMINALLY INSANE NIGHTMARE GIFT BASKET OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"
( APPLAUSE )
(
STEPHEN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BEEN CLOSELY FOLLOWING MACHINE GUN KELLY AND MEGAN FOX'S
ENGAGEMENT.
AFTER DRINKING EACH OTHER'S BLOOD-- AS YOU DO-- MACHINE GUN
KELLY DESIGNED MEGAN FOX'S RING WITH THORNS SO IT HURT TO
TAKE OFF.
MAKES SENSE.
AS THE OLD SAYING GOES, "IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING, DRINK ITS BLOOD,
THEN MAKE IT FEAR HARM IF IT TRIES TO LEAVE, THEN IT'S
YOURS."
(
MEANWHILE, CLIMATE ACTIVIST GRETA THUNBERG JUST HAD A NEWLY
DISCOVERED FROG NAMED AFTER HER.
PRISTIMANTIS GRETATHUNBERGAE WAS DISCOVERED IN A MOUNTAIN RANGE
IN PANAMA.
THAT'S VERY NICE.
I ALSO HAPPEN TO HAVE A COUPLE MEMBERS OF THE ANIMAL KINGDOM
NAMED AFTER ME, SUCH AS APTOSTICHUS STEPHENCOLBERTI, AND
THE VENEZUELAN DIVING BEETLE AGAPOROMORPHUS COLBERTI, KNOWN
FOR ITS EXTREMELY COMPLICATED MALE GENITALIA.
(
GRETA, BUT HOW MESSED UP ARE YOUR FROG'S GENITALS?
(
NOW, DUE TO THEIR RELATIVE PLACES ON THE FOOD CHAIN,
GRETA'S FROGS POSE A DIRECT THREAT TO MY BUGS, SO THIS IS
A WARNING: YOU KEEP THAT SLIMEY TOAD AWAY FROM MY BUGS, GRETA,
OR I WILL POP OPEN A CAN OF "ALEIODES COLBERTI ON YOUR ASS!
YES, IT'S A WASP, AND I CONTROL THEM WITH MY MIND LIKE AQUAMAN,
(
AQUA MAN.
AQUA MAN CONTROLS THEM WITH HIS ABS.
MEANWHILE, IN GROSS NEWS, AN OHIO SALON OWNER HAS UNVEILED A
225-POUND BALL OF HUMAN HAIR THAT BROKE "THE GUINNESS WORLD
RECORD."
AND HERE'S A LOOK AT IT IN ACTION.
YOU THINK THAT'S BIG, YOU SHOULD SEE THE CAT THAT COUGHED THIS
THING UP.
(
BREAKTHROUGH IN MALE CONTRACEPTION, BECAUSE IN AN
EXPERIMENT WITH RODENTS, SCIENTISTS DISCOVERED THAT
WARM BALLS COULD BE THE NEXT MALE BIRTH CONTROL.
AND IT'S SO SIMPLE.
SCIENTISTS WERE ABLE TO TEMPORARILY AND REVERSIBLY
REDUCE FERTILITY MERELY BY INJECTING MICE WITH
IRON OXIDE NANOPARTICLES, PLACING A MAGNET NEXT TO THEIR
BALLS FOR FOUR HOURS TO ATTRACT THE PARTICLES, THEN WRAPPING AN
ELECTRIC COIL AROUND THE TESTICLES AND WARMING THE BALLS
UP TO TEMPERATURES BETWEEN 98 AND 113 DEGREES.
OKAY, OBVIOUSLY THAT SOUNDS GREAT, BUT AM I THE ONLY ONE
HERE WONDERING HOW THE MICE FEEL ABOUT THIS?
"HEY, I DON'T WANNA SEEM LIKE I'M NOT A TEAM PLAYER WITH THESE
ELECTRIC COILS ON MY JUNK, BUT IS IT TOO LATE TO VOLUNTEER TO
HAVE MASCARA RUBBED IN MY EYES?" (
NOW, FELLAS, BEFORE YOU RUN DOWN TO CVS TO CHECK OUT THE IRON
OXIDE NANOPARTICLE AISLE, IN SOME OF THE TESTS, THE BALLS
ATROPHIED, AND IF THEY WERE COOKED ABOVE 113 DEGREES, THE
BALLS DIDN'T RECOVER.
UNTIL IT'S PERFECTED, MEN WILL HAVE TO RELY ON THE TRIED AND
TRUE MALE CONTRACEPTIVE: TELLING YOUR DATE ABOUT
BLOCKCHAIN.
(
COSTELLO.