- Simon's friend Stan is sleeping over
and he's crying like a weenie from a nightmare.
Ma and Pa bust in, asking what nightmare could be so bad
that it would create this river of weenie tears.
Stan unconvincingly says he doesn't recall.
Simon says they were telling spooky stories before bed
but everything's cool now.
Stan thanks Simon for covering and Simon says it wasn't a
lie because the stuff he told him earlier was really spooky.
Now hug this fluffy dog and be a man.
Simon and Stan are playing slo-mo b-ball in jeans
and corduroy pants like the true athletes the aren't.
Stan says his sister's late picking him up
and he wishes he didn't have to go home.
Simon says he can come back tonight
and don't worry about that spooky stuff from before.
Because they'll figure something out.
Stan's moody sister Karen arrives
looking like she robbed a Vatos Big And Tall store.
Matt compliments her on an absolutely hideous belt
and asks what the B stands for.
She says Baby Doll, because that's her nickname
and, duh, everyone wears a decorative belt
with the first letter of their stupid nickname.
Karen says Simon looked at her weird
and wants to know if he snitched.
Because she specifically told him not to snitch.
Stan lies his corduroy covered ass off
and swears he did not snitch.
Papa Camden says something seems off about Stan's sister.
And Stan didn't look so hot either.
And his dad alarms are going buck wild.
His wife tells him to chill his nosy ass.
Matt interrupts his brother reading hang glider enthusiast
literature to ask him about Karen.
He wants to know if Simon peeped her belt.
Simon says at first he thought it was so big it might be
from a globally televised wrestling championship.
What a dumbass.
Matt says he's seen the same B from her belt tattooed on
guys at school, but it stands for Blackburn 16
and Detective Genius thinks that belt has nothing to do with
a nickname and everything to do
with Karen being in a fictional gang.
He asks Simon what he thinks.
Simon says he promised Stan he wouldn't snitch.
Which, hey dipshit, you just did.
Matt says Simon is in way over his tiny blonde head
but Simon says him and Stan are going to work on a plan.
A plan that, evidently, has Stan hang gliding to freedom.
Matt says he's going to snitch to Mom and Dad
and Simon throws a hissy fit.
Because he promised his most excellent promise to his
friend and wow that is so dumb.
Matt is doing some world-class kitchen
snitching to his folks.
Ma and Pa determine next steps and land on buying two more
tickets for the snitch train, next stop Karen's hosue.
But first, Eric needs a heart to heart,
sorry, snitch to snitch, chat with Simon.
He tells Simon he's glad he went to Matt,
and Simon says he didn't go to Matt.
Matt came to him.
Then used some kind of brain voodoo sorcery
to break his iron mind and force him to tattle.
His dad says Matt is older,
and knows some things Simon doesn't.
Like when you find out about something dangerous in the
suburbs, it's your duty to snitch
to the nearest older white man,
then they take it up the chain of narcs
until justice is served.
And it didn't matter that Simon told his brother,
because Eric's dad alarms were going banana bread boom boom
what with the nightmares
and sketchy teen girl in his driveway.
Simon says Matt betrayed him and he'll never trust him again
which are words Simon really should be reserving
for his barber.
Eric says he's going to go snitch on this whole situation
to the local authorities for intel on the gang,
then head over to Stan and Karen's parents
to continue singing like a canary.
Meanwhile a b-story about Lucy and her friends
doing ho shit at the mall?
Whatevs.
Papa Camden breaks the news to Karen's parents that
their 97 pound Jewish daughter is a hardened criminal.
They say they thought they might have to talk to Stan
about gangs one day, but not their daughter,
which is a statement I can't even begin to unpack.
Eric convinces them to violate their daughter's trust
and search Karen's room
without a warrant for gang paraphernalia.
Spoken like a true narc.
And they don't find jack.
Karen beats the case and lives to see
another day in these streets.
Meanwhile, back at the mall,
the youths are being courted by a very gross security guard.
Mary tells her sister she needs to cut the ho shit
all the way out.
Especially considering she's only 14
and if the actor who plays her dad sees her like this
he's going to do something very inappropriate.
Stan returns and Eric snoops.
He hears Stan say he knows Simon ratted but also
knows Simon didn't rat about everything.
This triggers Eric's dad alarm to defcon seven
and he runs off to bust another snitching nut.
Karen comes in because Stan forgot his bag.
Annie says a woman in church,
her grandson had that B on his knuckles.
But it did not stand for Baby Doll.
Karen hits her with a
"you don' know me"
and "my friends are there for me".
Annie claps back.
She says if she keeps it up,
those "friends" might get Stan hurt.
Or killed.
And they might get her killed.
And they might get her raped, too.
And they might even rape Stan.
Then rape her parents, who knows.
Raping her family could be like Pringles for the gang,
impossible to stop once they get started on the project.
Matt listens in.
Because there's nothing this family loves more
than eavesdropping and snitching.
Then he puts an end to his brother's
hang glide to freedom plan that is still somehow
at the top of his good ideas list.
Eric is back at Karen's house,
this time searching Stan's room.
And what do they find?
Dear God!
It was Stan gangbanging this whole time.
Oh wait, no nevermind, that's Karen's stuff.
They hit the cool shit jackpot.
Knives, and chains, and Nunchucks, and weed, and pills
and brass knuckles and
God damn Karen.
What the fuck kinda work you putting in on these streets?
Karen creeps in and her parents spaz.
They say they're going to send Stan
to live with his grandparents.
And they're going to sell the house and move.
Because Karen's gotten herself involved with the deadliest
gang this side of the neighborhood custom pottery studio.
Karen says she'll get out and Eric says
good fuckin' luck.
If they let her out, big if, they're going to beat her ass.
And she might not survive the ass beating.
Karen says they'll understand
but she needs to return them their pills and chains.
Her parents say no way, which feels like a bad call.
The parents want to call the cops and go for
the high score for snitching in a single episode.
Eric says he knows some places they can send Karen.
Maybe Colorado or San Francisco?
Basically put her ass on a big hill.
But the chances of her getting into these hills
are about as slim as viewers
believing she's gang affiliated.
The parents say they are overwhelmed and need a little time
to chill and sort things out.
Maybe hit one of those bed joints
Stan's been farting on in his sleep.
The fam plus Stan are shooting night hoops,
100% of them in pants not intended for sports.
Annie gets a call
and goes outside,
dramatically,
and doesn't say
anything.
Wait did Karen die?
Okay, so Karen did not die.
Coulda said something there Annie.
But apparently this gang stuff is serious business.
And she's ready to take Eric up
on that place in Colorado after all.
So what did we learn today?
White people in the suburbs
love snitching.
It's their favorite.
So if you tell a dweeby white kid some gangster shit,
expect it to pass through three or four snitches
in a 24 hour period.
And if you're trying to help your friend
escape a dangerous situation,
don't plan to do it by building your own
hang glider because that makes no damn sense
and will get his ass killed.
And don't judge a book by its cover,
because that tiny girl from Hebrew school with the ugly belt
might be into some hardcore gang activity.
But if your daughter wants to leave that life behind,
let her return the drugs, and knives and nun chucks.
Because if she doesn't,
they're going to send her shit right to the hospital.
And if you're 14,
don't do ho shit with your friends at the mall,
because if the actor who plays your dad
sees you like that
he's going to do something
extremely inappropriate.
See you next time on A Very Special Episode.