- Stranger Things is a whole show
about kids not trusting their parents.
Like if a Demogorgon is after you, tell your mom!
These little n***as is like,
"Nah, all I got is these walkie-talkies and these bikes,
(crowd laughing)
and my best friends,
cause that bitch can't handle shit."
(upbeat music)
- Man. When we was growing up, man,
it was crazy. Remember, you ever,
remember your mama kept everything in her bra?
Money, car keys, candy.
You ever got some candy from a bra? That was,
"Here you go."
(coughing)
This peppermint tastes like Tussy.
(crowd laughing)
My mouth is numb!
Bill O'Reilly talked about Maxine Waters' wig.
When I was growing up,
every woman I knew, loved, and respected wore a wig.
A wig was like an early warning system
to a little Black child.
You came home and your mama's wig was on that white head
she kept on the dresser. You knew she was home.
If the wig was gone, Mama was gone.
(crowd laughing)
Well, I'm going outside to play!
You gonna get in trouble.
No I'm not, Mama ain't here.
How you know? Look!
(crowd laughing)
Ding dong, the witch is dead. The witch is dead.
Hit it, Tremaine!
(crowd laughing)
Your mama had two wigs.
One she wore every day, one was that good wig.
She only wear that on special occasions.
Church, and to go downtown to talk to white people.
"These motherfuckers done cut my gas off.
Hand me my good wig.
(crowd laughing)
And watch your brother."
Watch my brother? I'm four, he three.
What the fuck I'ma do?
I just shit on myself. I'm not a role model.
(crowd laughing)
You had to grow up fast when we was growing up.
They gave you a key.
Put it around your neck when you was five.
You had to let yourself in your house,
do your homework, and start dinner.
(crowd laughing)
"Mama said I gotta brown the meat."
And you never got kidnapped
'cuz they gave you two rules that kept you safe.
Don't you take your ass outside.
Don't let nobody in my goddamn house.
(crowd laughing and cheering)
But what if the house catch on fire?
"Motherfucker, you better burn up."
I was so frightened of my mother, I would've did it too.
"Little boy, this is the fire department.
There's a fire in the house.
We need you to come outside immediately."
"My mama said I can't come outside."
(crowd laughing)
"I gotta brown the meat."
(crowd laughing)
"We're gonna have to come in."
"You gonna get me in trouble!
I can't have company."
(crowd laughing)
"Oh, this fire is so hot.
(crowd laughing)
Mama gonna kill me if this meat burn up.
(crowd laughing)
(blowing air into microphone)
Go back outside, fireman! At least take your boots off.
Stay on the runner!"
(crowd laughing)
- I didn't really know how fucked up my life was until
I'm on the phone one day talking to my girlfriend.
We talking about getting baptized, y'all.
I'm like, yo girl, I been baptized 25 times.
She was like 25 times?
Who the fuck baptized you 25 times?
I'm like, well how many times you been baptized?
She was like, once in the name of Jesus.
I'm like, well damn.
My mama must have baptized me in her boyfriend names.
(crowd laughing)
Come to find out y'all back in the day when I lived
when I grew up here in Atlanta,
if you were having financial problems,
all you had to do would go to your local churches
and join the church and get the kids baptized
and they would write you a check for your financial problem.
Yeah, but my mama turned that shit into a scheme.
N***a, she started getting us baptized
two, three times on a Sunday.
I remember showing up one time already fucking wet.
(crowd laughing)
The pastor was like, "Why they wet?"
She was like, "Mind your fucking business, Pastor,
we got another appointment to get to."
But finally the Black churches realized
my mama was running a scheme,
so she had to go to the white churches.
And let me tell y'all this,
when my mama discovered white churches and white people
and white guilt, she used the fuck outta y'all ancestors.
My mama would pull up out there with her '64 Chevy
with all our five Black asses on the back seat.
And she would turn around,
she'd say, "Look here, we going
in these churches to get these crackers' money.
Put your slave face on."
(crowd laughing)
We go in that bitch and rack up.
And my mama knows as soon as they write her that check,
she was going straight to the fucking weed man.
But I like getting baptized at the white churches, y'all,
'cause they treat you better.
After you get baptized they will always take everybody
downstairs to the pantry.
But at the white church they would give all five kids
they own boxes and let 'em shop.
N***a, my mama's like "Fuck 'em up."
(crowd laughing)
Whole time we got our slave face on.
- Caught my oldest son watching porn,
which, I was like, you see, this is why I was never around.
Like who the fuck wants to deal...
Anyway, point is he's watching porn, and like I said
he's a teenager, so I didn't wanna weird him out about him,
you know, give him a complex, I'm sex positive, you know?
It's not, not just for white women, you know what I mean?
(crowd laughing)
It's not. It's not.
I freed a nipple or two in my day, you know what I mean?
So I didn't wanna weird him out.
I think I handled it well.
What I did, I was, I was walking through and I,
and I said, I said, "I saw that" and I kept it moving.
(crowd laughing)
Cool mom. That's how I played it.
Cool mom. Right?
"I saw that." Kept it moving, right?
And then I came back, and I said,
"Could you watch Black people?"
Like what the fuck are you doing?
Like I wouldn't even have known he was watching porn,
if not for the alabaster skin,
gleaming off the fucking iPad.
Like if he was watching n***as,
he wouldn't be in trouble right now.
You know what I mean? Like what are you doing?
What are you doing? Matter of fact,
let me airdrop you some suggestions,
because this is a Black porn household.
Like you are fucking up my legacy right now.
What are you doing?
(crowd laughing and cheering)
Fuck you think this is?
When I think about my kids and their sexuality,
I don't care if they're like if
they're gay or straight or what,
I don't care about that stuff.
I just don't want no weirdo. You know?
I don't want no weirdo. And I think that's what happens
when kids get on the internet and they see things too early.
And when their brain, the synapses is synapsing,
and then, then you got a weirdo.
Like god forbid he becomes some kind of foot dude.
You know what I mean? Like what?
Now, I ain't trying to kink shame, but that's the worst one.
You know what I mean? Have you ever been with a foot dude?
"Ooh, let me get in them toes!"
Like, sir,
(crowd laughing)
if you don't go under a bridge, like can you stop it?
Like, oh my god. Get in them toes?
I mean I let them suck it, but I judge the whole time,
is all I'm saying.
(laughing)
Not my son.
- But what I love about my kids,
I mean obviously because they're mine.
I love that they have such crazy personalities.
Do you know what I mean?
Because I'm the only child.
My parents like to say they got it right the first time,
but really they weren't fucking.
(crowd laughing)
Come on. Separate bedrooms and all those puzzles?
(crowd laughing)
They ain't fucking.
(crowd laughing)
But I'm fascinated.
Like they're the same ingredients but so different.
Like every morning baby boy wakes up smiling,
and baby girl wakes up crying, and I'm like, damn,
it's like they already know about the patriarchy.
(crowd laughing)
How?
(crowd laughing)
Like real talk.
Baby boy just has so much pure joy in his heart.
Every time we go out in New York in our neighborhood
he wants to make eye contact.
He wants people to smile at him.
I'm like, motherfucker stop it, you gonna get robbed.
(crowd laughing)
Stop it.
And baby girl, she's so sassy.
I don't know where the fuck she get it from.
(crowd laughing)
I do not know.
Like even the pediatrician was just like,
"Wow, her peripheral vision is so good."
(crowd cheering)
I said, "That's side eye, motherfucker.
She know you got the needle."
(crowd laughing)
Oh, man. Anyway, I used to, I used to judge parents so much.
Like you can't judge people until you like are really
in them shoes. You know what I mean?
I'm like, I'm not gonna do it like that.
I'm gonna do it, like I'ma be cool and do it like that.
And then you're a parent, you're like,
"Oh fuck. Help me."
Like I used to judge parents when you would ask
how old their kid is, and they'd be like,
"19 and a half months."
Bitch. Please don't make me do math.
Like, is that 2? Is that 2?
I'm not your accountant.
I can't read these receipts right now.
(crowd laughing)
But I realize parents do that shit,
because it's truly the last night
they had a good night's rest. Real talk.
If you out, and you see a cute baby,
and you ask the parent,
"How old's your baby?
And they be like, "Eight months and four days."
(crowd laughing)
So happy.
You give that new parent a hug, you give 'em a joint,
buy 'em a Pickleback. I don't give a shit.
Be nice to them.
- Yeah. I grew up in this family,
and we couldn't live together.
I could live with my mom,
but my dad obviously couldn't live with us,
because it was illegal,
and people would be racist to us all the time.
But I was really lucky growing up
because my mom is probably the most gangster human being
you'll ever meet in your life.
Nothing got to her, nothing phased her.
(crowd cheering)
And I remember one day in particular,
we're walking through the streets together,
and some guy crossed the road,
shouted something really mean at us.
And I was about four or five years old,
and I turned and I looked at my mom, and I said,
"Mommy, what do we do if people do the racism to us?"
And my mom said, "Oh baby, you know what we do
if somebody's racist? We take that racism of theirs,
and we shake it up with the love of Jesus,
and then we send it back."
And I was like, "What?"
(crowd laughing)
And I was like, "This lady's crazy."
(crowd laughing)
And she was crazy, but she was also right.
Yeah. I didn't even realize how right my mother was
until decades later, which I feel is what always happens
with your parents, right? They're crazy.
And then you get to their age and you're like,
"Oh, that's what it means."
I only learned the lesson my mother was trying
to teach me when, as a grown man.
I was walking through the streets of Chicago,
minding my own business.
Some guy drove by in a pickup truck,
and called me the N word.
And I'm not gonna lie, I was disappointed.
Mostly because he was driving a pickup truck.
Yeah, I just felt like that was an unnecessary stereotype
that he didn't need to perpetuate, you know?
I feel like if you're gonna be racist,
do something different. You know, think outside the box.
Drive a Prius.
(crowd laughing)
Yeah. It's better for the environment and it's quiet.
You can sneak up on me. We both win.
(crowd laughing)
But no, the guy was, he was driving a pickup truck,
called me the N word. And oh,
to give you the full story, I was jaywalking.
Right? I was jaywalking.
Yeah. And I don't tell you this to justify what he did.
I just want you to know that I'm no angel. Okay? Yeah.
(crowd laughing)
I was crossing the road,
and then the lights turned red for me.
But I decided to walk anyways because I don't see color.
(crowd laughing and cheering)
This man, this man was so offended by what I'd done,
that he drove his truck around me, rolled the window down,
looked me dead in the eye.
And he was like, "Get out of the road, n***er"
Oh, and you could see he wanted to hurt me.
We locked eyes, and I could see in that moment,
he was waiting for me to be like
(imitates gunshot in slow motion)
What that man didn't know was where I was from.
More importantly, who he didn't know was my mother.
Because he thought it was just gonna be
a regular racist day.
(crowd laughing)
He thought he was gonna drive by,
throw the N word out the window, carry on with his life.
He didn't realize that that was the son
of Patricia stepping into the road.
And it happened in a moment, but it lasted a lifetime.
'Cause I didn't even think.
He shouted that word,
and out of nowhere my body was like...
(crowd laughing)
I was like, "Oh, shit, this is it!"
(crowd laughing)
And lemme tell you something, LA,
it was so beautiful because I didn't plan it.
I didn't think about it.
All I know is I stepped into the road,
he drove his truck around me, rolled the window down
looked me dead in the eye,
And he was like, "Get outta the road n***er!"
And I turned and I was like, "Yo, my n***a!"
(crowd laughing)
(upbeat music)