Year after year, South Park has been giving us some of the most interesting characters
ever produced for an animated television show.
While these characters are sometimes endearing and loveable, most times they delve into darker,
sometimes illegal territory.
We’ve sentenced some of these characters for their crimes in our past video…
But there is so much more on the docket.
And we need to deliver some more justice to this small, mountain town.
I’m Kyle with WickedBinge, and today, we’re Sentencing South Park Characters for Their
Crimes.
Court is in session.
As with our previous video, we’re going to be picking crimes limited to single episodes
or arcs rather than look at every crime committed by one character.
Also like the last list, we’re going to be using the criminal sentences for crimes
committed in the respective areas in which they took place.
Since South Park is a Colorado town, we’re going to try using that state’s laws for
the vast majority of entries.
With all that established, let’s get started!
We’re starting this list off with Eric Cartman.
Cartman has committed plenty of crimes over the years but we’re letting him off
the hook easy by taking a look at one of his minor offenses, at least, minor by the standards
of Cartman.
In the season seven episode Casa Bonita, Cartman wants to get
invited to Kyle’s birthday party at his favorite Mexican restaurant.
In order to do this, Cartman tricks Butters into believing a
meteor is about to hit the Earth and hides him in Jimbo’s bomb shelter, all so Kyle
will have a vacant spot open for Casa Bonita.
While Cartman initially only planned to keep Butters in the bomb shelter for a short period
of time, Kyle postpones his trip to Casa Bonita upon learning about Butters’ disappearance.
This causes Cartman to keep Butters down in the bomb shelter for over
a week, making this crime a lot more heinous.
While Cartman was arrested at the end of the episode, his punishment was going to
Juvenile Hall for one week, which we think was far too lenient.
That’s why we’re sentencing Cartman to three years in prison.
This isn’t one of Cartman’s violent crimes but it was still quite dangerous and irresponsible
to keep Butters down there for over a week.
CRIME: Kidnapping and false imprisonment SENTENCE: Three years in prison
On trial next is Wendy Testaburger.
For the most part, Wendy has been portrayed as a very smart, level-headed and normal kid
but South Park fans who have watched from the beginning know she had a darker side.
In the season one episode Tom’s Rhinoplasty, Wendy becomes extremely jealous when Stan
develops a crush on his substitute teacher Ms. Ellen.
This, on top of the recent death of her grandmother, eventually drives Wendy insane, leading Wendy
to frame Ms. Ellen as an Iraqi fugitive.
As a result, Iraqi men shoot Ms. Ellen into the sun leading to her demise.
This is not dissimilar to Cartman’s actions in Scott Tennorman Must Die wherein he didn’t
physically kill Scott’s parents himself but he caused them to die indirectly.
As such, we’re giving Wendy a similar sentence of life without parole for first degree murder.
Wendy has never quite sunk to this level again so we’re kind of wondering what contemporary
Wendy would think of her actions here.
Moving on to a less prominent character, Skyler Morse is up next.
While Skyler may have only appeared prominently in two episodes, he certainly made an impression,
especially during his debut in Cat Orgy.
Here, Skyler, who is 22, is dating Shelly, who is 12, and pushes her to have sex with
him.
Skyler also makes the claim that he has “other girlfriends who will put out for him,” possibly
implying that Shelly isn’t the only underage girl Skyler has made advances toward.
He also physically assaults Cartman throughout the episode.
As odd as it is to sympathize with Cartman, we’ll take any chance we can get to hold
Skyler’s feet to the fire due to his interactions with Shelly.
Skyler is being sentenced to twenty years in prison.
And honestly, we’d like to give him a life sentence.
CRIMES: S.A. of a Minor, Assault SENTENCE: 20 years in Prison
While we’re on the subject, let’s move onto sentencing Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison has committed many crimes throughout the years but he arguably sunk to his lowest
in the episode in which Cartman Joins NAMBLA.
Here, Mr. Garrison was using the alias “Mr. Hammerhead” in online chat rooms to meet
up with children with horrible intentions.
When he unknowingly meets up with Cartman, he is arrested by an FBI agent and temporarily
loses his teaching position.
Suffice to say, his punishment would be much harsher if we were dealing with actual Colorado
laws.
In fact, we’re sentencing Mr. Garrison to twenty years in prison.
This is possibly the most disturbing instance of Mr. Garrison committing a crime and that’s
saying a lot.
And like Skyler, Garrison is lucky he doesn’t get life, because that’s what many would
agree he deserves.
CRIMES: Solicitation of a Minor SENTENCE: 20 Years in Prison.
Bebe Stevens is up next.
Much like her best friend Wendy, Bebe is for the most part a pretty typical fourth grader
who occasionally is shown to have a darker side.
The best example of this is in the episode The List which sees Bebe orchestrate an elaborate
scheme to make Clyde believe he’s the most handsome boy in class.
She does this to boost Clyde’s ego so that he will buy expensive shoes for her.
When Wendy and Stan expose her of this, Bebe holds them at gunpoint and even almost murders
Wendy.
She fails, but does fire a bullet that just so happens to kill Kenny while he’s eating
dinner.
In this one episode alone, Bebe has committed at least four crimes including unlawful gun
possession, attempted murder, manslaughter and graft and corruption.
As such, we’re giving her a sentence of 35 years in prison.
This is a great example of how a simple plan can escalate in horrible ways.
While Bebe is arrested in the episode, we think she got off easy considering she’s
seemingly out of prison the following season.
CRIMES: Unlawful Gun Possession, Attempted Murder, Manslaughter, CorruptionSENTENCE:
35 years in prison.
The next kid on trial is none other than Nathan.
Nathan has committed plenty of crimes even if he’s not the most prominent character,
most notably repeated physical assault on his best “friend” Mimsy.
Today we’re going to be looking at his first appearance in Up the Down Steroid.
While Nathan is known for his hatred of Jimmy, he actually helped him out in this episode,
albeit illegally, by selling him steroids.
These were even highly specialized steroids that wouldn’t show up on a urine test.
Jimmy eventually learns his lesson but Nathan does not, making us think that maybe he needs
a bit of a punishment.
We’re sentencing Nathan to one year in juvie and a $1000 fine.
It’s possible that Jimmy realizing he was wrong is what caused the bitter resentment
from Nathan afterward now that Nathan could no longer profit off of him.
Whatever the case, Nathan certainly deserves to face some repercussions.
CRIME: Distribution of illegal substances SENTENCE: One year in juvie and a $1000 fine.
Up next is one of the most unhinged mothers in South Park, Linda Stotch.
Linda has many moments of craziness, but none go quite as far as her role in Butters' Very
Own Episode.
Her intentions start out innocently enough as she gets Butters to spy on his father for
a birthday gift.
However, when Butters discovers Stephen was cheating on her in a gay bathhouse, Linda
loses her mind.
She attempts to drown Butters in a river using her car, which thankfully doesn't work.
After this, Linda lies to the police by creating a false report stating Butters was kidnapped
by a Puerto Rican man.
For this, we're sentencing Linda to 30 years in prison - with routine psychiatric care.
Butters even admits near the end of the episode that he's probably permanently traumatized
by the events that unfolded and we can't say we blame him.
There's a reason the Stotches are frequently cited among fans as two of the worst parents
in South Park.
CRIMES: Attempted Murder, False Police Report SENTENCE: 25 years in prison, with Psychiatric
Care
In fact, why don't we put Stephen Stotch on trial while we're at it.
Stephen was complicit in lying to the police with Linda so we definitely will tack that
charge onto our ranking here.
However, Stephen is guilty of something far more severe than that.
While Linda failed in her attempt to murder Butters, Stephen has succeeded at killing
someone on one occasion.
In the episode Marjorine, Stephen and Linda believe Butters is dead and will return as
a demon.
When Butters does come home, the couple lock him in their basement.
Stephen then invites a saleswoman named Rachel into their home, kills her with a shovel and
drop her body in front of Butters so the "demon" can feast on her corpse.
We have to give Stephen life without parole for this action.
He never faced any prison time as far as we can tell so we're willing he disposed of the
body efficiently.
The worst part about this crime is that all Butters wanted were some Spaghetti-Os, making
this murder completely unwarranted.
CRIMES: Murder, False Police Report SENTENCE: Life without parole
Next up is Jerome McElroy, better known as Chef.
While Chef occasionally was known for informing children about inappropriate subjects, it
never evolved past that.
This all changed in the episode The Return of Chef wherein he talks about his desire
to “make love” to the children.
When the boys investigate this, they find out that Chef’s mind was warped by the Super
Adventure Club, an organization that travels around the world brainwashing people into
preying on children.
Because of this, we’re sentencing Chef to be placed in a Psychiatric Facility until
his brainwashing can be fixed.
Hopefully brainwashing is something that can be undone, but Chef would have to be remanded
in a facility until he’s fixed.
As Kyle says in the episode, you can’t blame Chef for his actions, the blame lies on the
fruity little club for scrambling his mind.
CRIMES: Solicitation SENTENCE: Psychiatric Facility
Now we bring in two men to answer for their crimes, those being Jimbo Kern and Ned Gerblanski.
Despite being very passionate about their gun use, the crime they’re being convicted
of today has nothing to do with firearms.
Instead, we’re taking a look at the episode Scott Tennorman Must Die which sees the two
helping Cartman out in a very bizarre way.
They teach him to spy on Scott Tennorman through binoculars in order to find a weakness Cartman
can exploit.
That’s already questionable but when Jimbo and Ned realize Scott’s parents are about
to have sex, they immediately shift their focus to watching them.
It turns out they weren’t the only people intent on watching the Tennormans as many
other men are seen running from the bushes when they’re caught but we’re sentencing
Jimbo to 6 months in prison… and Ned to 2 years for an additional charge of indecent
exposure.
While these guys may consider themselves to be stealth experts, we hope they put that
to use for reasons other than to spy into people’s houses.
Make 2 Graphics - one for each character please JIMBO:
CRIMES: Invasion of Privacy, Peeping SENTNCE: 6 Months in Prison
NED: CRIMES: Invasion of Privacy, Peeping, Indecent
Exposure SENTNCE: 2 Years in Prison
Finally, we’re wrapping up the sentencing today with Randy Marsh.
The head of the Marsh household has done many questionable things over the years, many of
which have resulted in him breaking the law.
Out of all of his offenses, the one law he seems to break the most is assault.
This is best demonstrated in the episode The Losing Edge where he constantly gets into
drunken fights with other parents at baseball games.
This causes him to rack up numerous assault charges and get frequently arrested by the
police, only to return to the games and do the same thing.
This initially annoys the children until they realized they can get disqualified from playing
this boring sport if Randy continues to cause a ruckus.
While the kids may be thankful, the law is not, which is why we have to give Randy 2
years in prison with a possibility of parole.
We actually think we’re letting him off easy as the amount of assaults he’s guilty
of here might actually rack up to a higher charge altogether.
CRIMES: Assault, Disorderly Conduct, Public Intoxication (All Repeated)
SENTENCE: 2 Years in Prison with Possibility of Parole
But let us know in the comment section which South Park characters should answer for their
crimes, as well as what we should cover next.
Make sure to hit that notification bell and binge our other videos.
But most importantly, stay wicked.