oh batman you're such a joker no i'm
actually quite serious i no joker
[Music]
hey hey bruce wayne i have no idea what
you're talking about hey billionaire
playboy bruce wayne hey hey hey bruce
bruce hey rosie brucey bruce bruce i'm
ignoring you because i'm not bruce wayne
you're not you look like him i'm not him
i don't know who bruce wayne is
i'm batman you're not a bad silly these
are bad
get them away oh i'm so scared
whoa dude talk about a scaredy bat
are you scared of this kind of bat too
no
just the other kind really cause this
bat could do some real damage if swung
around carelessly
my batmobile whoa you drive a batmobile
yes are you scared of your car cause
it's a bat car no i'm not scared of my
car are you scared of yourself cause
you're a bat person well that's actually
kind of a philosophical question i
suppose i am scared of myself sometimes
i've seen some terrible terrible things
you see my parents were killed when i
was very young
was it bruce wayne's parents killed when
he was young
and isn't bruce wayne scared of bats
because he got trapped in that bat cave
that one time
and why hasn't anyone seen batman and
bruce wayne together before we run in
different social circles okay oh so you
do know who bruce wayne is i um look
leave me alone okay i am busy fighting
crime i have to focus probably a good
call
[Music]
stop
it
so
any crimes tonight not yet any thieves
out robbing tonight
that's not funny well this is jingle
bells batman spells robin laden egg the
batmobile lost a headlight and batman is
bruce wayne hey that's not how it goes
now would you leave me alone i have to
keep an eye out for the bat signal ooh
what's the bat signal not this turn
signal i hope
would you get that bat away from my car
sure thing get out of here
[Music]
i've always wondered what does the
batmobile's horn sound like it sounds
like a horn yeah but what kind of horn
does it make like a ink or more like a
rare
neither some
none of those it sounds like none of
those so it doesn't sound like bruce
wayne says what what
i said bruce wayne says what and you
said what i knew it you're bruce wayne i
told you i'm not i'm not bruce wayne
you're not not bruce wayne no er i mean
yes uh so you're not not not not bruce
wayne uh i i don't know you don't know
who you are of course i know who i am
now will you excuse me commissioner
gordon turned on the bat signal which
means gotham needs me wait
that's the bat signal yes you're kidding
me that can't be the signal why not well
what if it's not cloudy can they just
not call you if it's a clear night
attention criminals of gotham only
commit crimes on cloudless nights would
you stop that's a fat signal okay it's
what we've got and i'm totally not bruce
wayne and i've got to go stop crime now
because i'm a super awesome superhero oh
batman you're such a joker no i'm
actually quite serious i know joker
never catch me
[Laughter]
get back here well that was fun but now
i'm bored
hey peter parker hey
you've got to be kidding me hey fruit
lovers and welcome to story time i'm
orange and i'm sis wow i usually do
these with pear well apparently not
today
what happened did he call in sick yeah
sick of you now what's today's story i
totally didn't read it oh well i didn't
read it either that's usually pear's job
but today we're telling the story of
batman
i don't know that story very well but i
sure do know the theme song
[Music]
okay here we go let's just bat wing it
the best we can okay so one thing i do
know is that batman's real name is bruce
wayne why does he have two first names i
don't know probably the same reason his
superhero name is two mammals
[Laughter]
anyway
what i don't remember is the name of the
city he lives in gothic city gothic bold
century gothic pretty sure those are
fonts oh goth city cost city yeah that's
it sounds like the kind of place that
has a hot topic on every corner that's
exactly the kind of place it is and one
day when young brucey mcfirst two names
in his bajillionaire parents were
leaving one of goth city's numerous hot
topic locations his parents got murdered
wow who killed him i don't know i'm
pretty sure it was back right batman
well that almost makes too much sense
but hold on why were his parents so rich
well you know how bat poop is like
really expensive who doesn't i'm pretty
sure they were trafficking bat poop and
then fat mafia put out a hit on them
okay it was kind of making sense before
but now it's making complete sense of
course it was a bad hit you hit things
with a bat my mind is blown right now my
mind is literally mush let's continue
okay so here's the part i'm confused
about if bats killed his parents then
why did he dress up like them all the
time isn't it obvious to blend in so we
can take them out from the inside from
the inside of what probably their bat
cave oh there's a term i somewhat
recognized we must be on the right track
okay so batman gained entrance to the
evil bats cave howdy get in i don't know
he probably battle rang the doorbell or
something
nice but point is he got inside and
that's when he went that was crazy on
him he was punching out fast every this
way
he punched one clear through a cloud
that's why the clouds always look like
that in the movie oh did he punch one
through a car and that's why the
batmobile looks like a bat
orange don't be ridiculous sorry anyway
after avenging his parents death he
teamed up with robin whose parents were
murdered by robins wow
robins can kill people they're murderous
savages orange how do you think their
chest got so red oh my goodness i'm
learning so much today wait so catwoman
her parents were murdered by cats the
penguin penguins yeah they have really
sharp beaks what about mr freeze i think
you already know the answer his family
was murdered by popsicles weren't they
yeah oh i've never trusted popsicles not
one bit and so to this day batman
protects the citizens of goth city from
bats and robins and cats and penguins
and popsicles using his massive wealth
accrued from trafficking bat poop
[Laughter]
hey everyone i'm pear and i'm batman
would you take that mask off okay but i
should warn you i'm wearing more than
one
anyway as you fruit lovers at home have
probably figured out today we're showing
you how to be batman here you're saying
it wrong it's how to be batman okay how
to be batman how to be batman where's
rachel
that this is gonna be a fun one can we
start already not yet not until i get
the signals okay
step one become a billionaire that way
you can buy all kinds of cool bat toys
and have a secret layer and a buffer and
stuff yeah hold on be a billionaire dude
do you realize how hard it is to get
that much money i don't know what to
tell you bear it makes sense to me
besides we should be focusing more on
the bat toy from talking back wings
battlefield batarangs well you're a
billionaire all you gotta do is put bat
in front of a word and it becomes a
backtastic item in your utility belt
seriously any word at all yeah right
that's a good one fair the bat right
what a pen that could be used to stab
your enemies and it dispenses the
appropriate amount of ink in a reliable
banner oh stop even better the bat stop
a stop sign painted black the bad guys
can't see it but you can cause you're
batman
he should have paid more attention in
driver's training and that's no
joke can we please move on surely
there's more to being batman than just
being a billionaire oh for sure step two
is super important you have to disguise
yourself see there's no way you could
tell who i really am yeah pretty sure
you're orange the teeth are a dead
giveaway not to mention the whole
annoying aura
well of course you can tell who i am i'm
not doing the voice yet the voice is
part of the disguise dude i think
everyone can tell where's rachel
oh wait uh
forgot to laugh like batman does
okay
that was terrifying dare i ask is there
a step three you bet there is yeah step
three announce that your batman
constantly are you
i'm not serious
i'm batman
if you say it enough it'll become true
dude you're crazy if you think anyone's
going to fall for that
i'm not crazy i'm batman
oh so annoying i'm not annoying i'm
batman
[Applause]
thanks for doing this it's really great
agility practice for the upcoming
spinach quidditch season
spinach quidditch it's just so much fun
to say
whoa
i think there's something hidden behind
the blender
i came as soon as i saw
where's the commissioner huh uh dude we
just found this thing by accident
what are you talking about oh um nothing
go about your business everyone uh
nothing to see here uh uh carry on i'm
i'm definitely not the world-renowned
superhero known as manbat huh i've never
heard of anyone called man bat me
neither you've never heard of man bat
well then you
probably hear of me uh renowned
billionaire wayne bruce nope not ringing
any bells you're kidding me i mean i'm
super rich my guano is worth its weight
in gold what oh
yeah guano is bad poop so what guano is
like the best and the most expensive
fertilizer in the world uh not to brag
but i've got a lot of guano yeah i'd say
this guy's full of guano all right
you still don't believe me fine here's
how i became mandat when i was a wee
baby bat i watched as my parents were
killed right in front of me
that day i swore to avenge them and took
on my greatest fear
that is the day i became
man bat how you doing sport um
leland's really coming in this year huh
is anyone else a bit underwhelmed by
this i gotta say i was expecting
something a little bit more i don't know
extreme
this is the hottest march i can remember
you know if you're gonna park on the
street could you park in front of your
own house
my old lady baked you a pie welcome to
the neighborhood
and now you see
crime doesn't stand a chance dude
that sucked excuse me yeah that was next
level sucking vampire bats sucking even
i don't have to take this do you have
any idea how much my poop is worth well
it's just you picked like the least
scary human of all time as your persona
yeah how many humans have you
encountered just one
the one who killed my parents they flew
into a human death trap called an attic
where they were killed with a terrifying
human-made death stick called a broom
a broom
you mean like this one ah
sorry may have left a bit of guano over
there you can keep it buy yourself
something nice dude you're no superhero
you're scared of suburban dads and
brooms brooms are scary
you don't even know even the word is
scary broom yeah
bro
jeez come on you're gonna make me have
another accident
[Music]
[Laughter]
wow man bat it's me commissioner gordon
the kitchen needs you my time to shine
howdy howdy howdy commish i like that
belt of yours did you get it at kohl's
the kitchen is under attack from
numerous super villains mr febreze
the penguiny
and the poker
happy to help i'll get on it and two
shakes of a lamb chop's tail
and there's one more thing you should
know man bat what's that commish they
have brooms
[Applause]
[Music]
is everything all right man bat um do
you have a restroom nearby whatever are
you talking about the kitchen is under
attack i need a bathroom stat okay okay
jeez it's right at the end of the
counter
thanks gotta go
oh
i didn't make it in my over 30 years of
police work uh that is without a doubt
the most disgusting thing i've ever seen
although on the plus side i believe
we're all now millionaires so that's
good
[Music]
you