﻿Hey guys, I’m Kya,
and the thing about horror franchises is,
much like the slashers that star in them,
they just don’t stop coming.
Oh, crap!
It’s been a long time since we released our first guide to gutting Michael Myers.
and a lot has changed since then.
In 2018, the Shape resurfaced in a soft-reboot,
that introduced the terror to a new generation of fans.
So, in the interest of keeping our audience safe the next night HE comes home,
we’ve updated our guide to incorporate all the new intel.
Remakes are all the rage, and we want in on the action,
so summon your shrink,
hold onto your hangers,
and don’t lose your head,
because this is
How to Kill Michael Myers: Redux
The first ‘Halloween’ never explains the reason behind Michael’s rampage,
or how he can withstand all the punishment Laurie Strode puts him through,
like a knitting needle to the neck, a hanger to the eye, and knife to the gut.
So before you confront the boogeyman, you should seek
Therapy.
Again, everyone should seek therapy guys, it's so helpful.
After Laurie rips Michael’s mask off, his weirdly obsessed psychiatrist Dr. Loomis comes to the rescue,
emptying his revolver into the Shape and sending him flying off a second floor balcony.
Now, today, you’d be darn foolish to expect a psycho killer to stay down after six measly bullets.
But in 1978, it was a huge shock when Loomis looks down to see that Michael’s body had disappeared.
Lucky for us, we wouldn’t have to wait long to see where the Shape scurried off to,
because ‘Halloween II’ takes place on the same night as the first movie,
in the hospital where Laurie’s recuperating from her ordeal.
In a controversial move, Carpenter and company reveal that she’s Michael’s sister,
She was born two years before he was comitted. Two years after, his parents died and she was adopted by the Strodes.
He killed one sister fifteen years ago, now he's trying to kill the other!
but before the family reunion takes place, Michael has a little fun around Haddonfield Memorial.
Have no fear, because Loomis is back to save the day again,
And this time he’s packing some
Bad Gas.
Because it smells, get it?
Loomis shoots Michael some more, but this time he doesn’t even pretend it’s enough to kill him.
NO!
Laurie gets off a couple of rounds right through Michael’s eyes, but he still keeps coming.
That’s when they realize they’re in a surgery room surrounded by tanks of gas.
Convenient. Always.
Doc Loomis fills the room with flammable ether,
and when he flicks his lighter they’re both incinerated in a massive explosion.
Or not.
This actually was supposed to be the final appearance of Michael Myers,
which is why the third movie is about an alcoholic doctor taking on an evil mask company.
That no one cares about.
What's that?
Who cares?
But Michael would be back before long, because honestly,
you think a little fireball is gonna take out the damn boogeyman?
It didn’t even kill Dr. Loomis and he’s just an angry old bald guy.
But it did put Michael in a coma for a while.
In the meantime, Laurie gave birth to her daughter Jamie... Lee Curtis.
Then died in an off-screen car crash because she had enough of this bull.
After ten years, Michael wakes up and ferociously pursues his new niece.
He even gets his hands on a shotgun at one point, which is a terrifying thought.
Who says guns don’t kill people?
If you’ve got enough of them, you might even be able to kill Michael.
As long as you can assemble a
Firing Squad.
Michael’s sure got a lot of bullets in him, huh?
I hope he never has to get an MRI or go through TSA. Yeah, awkward.
After the State Police pump him full of lead,
Michael falls into an old mine shaft that collapses on top of him,
then they chuck in some dynamite for good measure.
They should have thrown in the kitchen sink, too, because, of course, Myers survives.
The fifth movie is often seen as one of the worst in the series,
for one thing, it introduced all this ‘curse of Thorn’ crap that bogged everything down,
and for another, the ending is weak as hell.
Dr. Loomis drops a metal net on him and shoots him with tranquilizers that use the same sound effect as the silencer in ‘Goldeneye.’
Then he bats him around with a wooden plank until the cops take him to jail,
which promptly gets blown up by a spooky cult leader who helps him escape.
30 episodes of How to Kill later and I still hate this cult stuff,
and there’s only one man who can put a stop to it:
Paul Rudd.
Oh crap! ...I'm okay.
He plays grown up Tommy Doyle, the little kid from the first movie.
Michael chases him into a medical lab inside an insane asylum,
where the cult is using Michael’s DNA to grow evil babies,
which is redundant because all babies are evil,
but also, have I mentioned how bad this cult stuff sucks?
Tommy injects Michael with some magic goo,
whacks him in the head with a pipe a few times,
And… That’s it.
The last we see of Michael is a shot of his mask lying on the floor with Dr. Loomis screaming in the background.
The whole movie is a mess, and the alternate ending doesn’t help much, either,
AAAHH!!!
which is why ‘Halloween: H20’ made the right move by disregarding every film but the first two.
They made the wrong move with the name but the right move there. Cool.
Jamie Lee Curtis returns, revealing that Laurie faked her death all those years ago,
and once Michael finds out, he slices and dices his way through the best cannon fodder 1998 had to offer.
Including LL Cool J, who somehow survives the night. Against all odds!
I thought...
WILL!!!
Sorry.
I think Michael Myer’s secret weakness is rappers from the ‘90s.
I'm fine! The bullet just grazed me!
More on that later, but for now Laurie is able to stop Michael with a clean and simple
Decapitation
Laurie stabs the crap out of her bro, but she’s no fool.
She wants to make absolutely certain that the Shape is finished for good.
So she hijacks the coroner’s van and rams it into him at full speed.
Then, when he’s pinned against a tree, she slices his head off with one swing of an axe.
Laurie Strode is a bad bitch,
and I kind of wish the series finished there.
But I’ll give them credit: The way they get Michael out of this one is pretty clever.
Turns out, Michael swapped clothes with one of the paramedics before he lost his head.
Laurie has a breakdown once she realizes she decapitated an innocent man,
Which gives Michael the opportunity to finish her once and for all.
I'll see you in hell!
With baby sister gone, the Shape tries his hand at reality TV
Where the legendary killer suffers his greatest defeat at the hands of
Busta Rhymes.
Seriously, Busta actually bosses Michael Freakin’ Myers around,
and he holds his own in a fight, too,
jamming an electrical wire in Michael’s crotch and roasting him alive.
It's freaking amazing.
Hey Mikey! Happy freakin' Halloween!
Michael wakes up in the morgue, but that’s the last we see of him in the original continuity.
Maybe he’s just deeply embarrassed by the fact that Busta Rhymes kicked his butt...
...At least it wasn't Sisqo.
So here’s the part on ‘Slash Course’ where we crap on the inevitable remake,
but just like the 2018 film,
Rob Zombie’s 2007 ‘Halloween’ wasn’t actually that bad.
I agree, it wasn't.
So let’s see what it takes to bring down the bigger, more brutal Shape.
The first remake follows the original ending pretty closely.
Loomis shoots Michael, then Laurie and her brother tumble off a balcony.
But this babysitter isn’t taking any chances.
She points the gun at his face and
Boom! Headshot.
The second Zombie Halloween is a little more off-the-rails, but it’s still interesting.
Michael wakes up in an ambulance, again,
and we learn that he’s seeing visions of his dead mother commanding him to kill.
Which is still better than a cult.
At the end, Mikey gets shot some more and falls onto some spiky farm equipment.
Then Laurie finishes the job with a bit of the old
Stabby stabby,
burying Michael’s trademark knife right in his skull.
That about wraps up the Zombieverse,
although the Shape wouldn’t stay dead for long.
2018’s hugely-hyped reboot delivered in a big way,
ditching the curses, canon, and convoluted kinship,
to deliver a stripped-down throwback to the glory days of slasher cinema.
Gotcha! You're dead.
We learn that Laurie Strode has spent the last forty years preparing for the inevitable showdown with her stalker,
the apex predator who needs to defeat the badass that bested him in order to assert his dominance.
She’s turned her house intro a fortress of death,
an impregnable stronghold designed to keep Michael out at all costs,
until he just kinda walks through the front door.
Laurie definitely gets her licks in,
she blows off two of her former brother’s fingers with a shotgun,
and the two engage in some mutual stabbing.
Happy Halloween, Michael.
Soon, the whole Strode family gets in on the fun,
her daughter Karen shoots him in the chest,
and even Allyson gets to plunge a kitchen knife into her grandma’s nemesis.
I just like the family is like "Hey how you doing? Hey, how are you?!"
But when Laurie finally traps her hated foe,
helpless, behind bars and utterly at her mercy,
she opts to finish him off by
Immolation
Which, actually, I found pretty unsatisfying.
Come on, Laurie, you’ve spent four decades plotting your revenge,
living in fear and anticipation of the moment your tormentor returns,
and when the moment comes where you can end his reign of terror and ensure your family’s safety for good,
you don’t even stick around to see a body?
Blow his head off, chop off his limbs,
drown him in cement and throw him in Lake Michigan!
Anything but fire!
I mean, did you even see ‘Halloween 2?’
Well, okay, I guess that one doesn’t count anymore,
and there’s no real reason for her to believe he can survive a room full of flames,
but still, throwing a flare and walking away doesn’t seem like the Laurie that the movie spent two-hours building up.
I'll accept my payment.
Obviously, you don’t want to end your big reboot with the definitive, final death of its star,
there’s a ton of money to be made, after all,
and while it begs the question of what the hell they’re going to call the sequel,
(there are already two ‘Halloween 2’s’ in existence)
rest assured that when the Shape stalks the streets again,
Kya will be here to help.
Happy Halloween!