WELCOME BACK, FOLKS!
( JON SINGING ) HAPPY THURSDAY, JOHN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ONE MORE DAY.
ONE MORE DAY AND THEN OFF TO THE WEEKEND.
FOLKS, PLEASE HAVE A SEAT.
FOLKS, YOU MAY HAVE HEARD THERE'S THIS CRISIS IN SPAIN.
WELL, HERE'S THE DEAL: LAST FRIDAY, "THE CATALAN PARLIAMENT
DECLARED INDEPENDENCE FROM SPAIN."
THEY ARE COMPLETELY INDEPENDENT.
BUT WILL MOVE INTO SPAIN'S BASEMENT, AND STILL ASK TO
BORROW THE CAR.
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, SINCE THEN, THE FUTBOL HAS
REALLY HIT THE FAN.
SPAIN HAS JAILED EIGHT OF THE TOP MEMBERS OF THE CATALAN
GOVERNMENT, ISSUED AN ARREST WARRANT FOR ITS LEADER, WHO IS
IN EXILE IN BELGIUM, MEANWHILE THE PRIME MINISTER OF SPAIN
DECLARED "I HAVE DECIDED TO CALL FREE, CLEAN AND LEGAL ELECTIONS
TO RESTORE DEMOCRACY."
BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS "DEMOCRACY" LIKE JAILING EVERYONE THE PEOPLE
ELECTED.
WHAT DO THEY WANT IN THEIR INDEPENDENCE AND SPAIN SO
AGAINST IT AND WHAT IS CATALONIA?
ISN'T THAT THE MAID IN "TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD?"
WE ANSWER THOSE QUESTIONS IN THE EXCITING DEBUT AND CONCLUSION OF
MY ONE-PART SERIES: "SPAIN'T MISBEHAVING."
♪ IT WAS EITHER THAT OR "OH, NO
YOU MADRIDN'T."
( LAUGHTER ) WHICH WE EVIDENTLY SHOULD HAVE
GONE WITH.
( LAUGHTER ) CATALANS FEEL UNIQUE BECAUSE
THEY HAVE THEIR OWN LANGUAGE, CULTURE, AND LAWS THAT ARE
UNLIKE ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE COUNTRY.
KIND OF LIKE FLORIDA, BUT WITHOUT THE SHIRTLESS GUYS
GOING THROUGH THE DRIVE-THROUGH WHILE ON FIRE.
( LAUGHTER ) CATALANS EVEN HAVE THEIR OWN
DISTINCT CUISINE, WITH DISHES LIKE COCA DE MULLADOR.
EVIDENTLY, CATALANS INVENTED BAGEL BITES.
( LAUGHTER ) THE CATALANS ALSO PRONOUNCE IT
"BAR-SELONA," WHILE THE REST OF SPAIN KEEPS SAYING "BAR-THELONA"
AND FRANKLY, THE CATALANS ARE "THICK" OF IT.
CATALONIA WAS INDEPENDENT.
PART OF THE KINGDOM OF ARAGON, BUT IN THE 15TH CENTURY, KING
FERDINAND OF ARAGON MARRIED QUEEN ISABELLA OF SPAIN AND
UNITED THEIR KINGDOMS.
THEY WERE SO EXCITED, THEY SENT CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS TO SHOW
NATIVE AMERICANS HOW FUN IT IS TO BE PART OF SPAIN.
( LAUGHTER ) HIS HOUSEWARMING GIFT: SMALLPOX.
AND EVER SINCE THEN, BEING UNDER SPANISH RULE HAS CHAFED THE
CATALANS LIKE SPANGLY PANTS ON A SWEATY MATADOR.
( LAUGHTER ) THOSE ARE QUITE TIGHT.
THIS MAT ADORE COMES PRE-GORED, EVIDENTLY.
( LAUGHTER ) IN THE 1930S, SPANISH DICTATOR
FRANCISCO FRANCO TRIED TO DESTROY CATALAN SEPARATISM,
KILLING THOUSANDS AND EXILING THOUSANDS MORE.
HE SUPPRESSED MUSIC AND EVEN DANCING.
FOR MORE DETAILS, JUST WATCH "FOOTLOOSE" WITH THE SPANISH
SUBTITLES ON.
( LAUGHTER ) NOWADAYS, CATALONIA IS AN
ECONOMIC POWERHOUSE THAT RESENTS PROPPING UP THE REST OF SPAIN.
IT ACCOUNTS FOR NEARLY A FIFTH OF SPAIN'S ECONOMY, PRODUCING
25% OF ITS EXPORTS.
SO CATALANS FEEL OVER-TAXED AND UNDERREPRESENTED BY A COUNTRY
THAT STILL HAS AN ACTUAL KING FELIPE VI.
THAT'S RIGHT, THE SIXTH.
SO NOT ONLY IS SPAIN OVER-TAXING THEM, THEY'RE HOGGING ALL THE
FELIPES.
( LAUGHTER ) AND NOW HERE WE ARE.
SPAIN IS NOT GOING TO BACK DOWN.
VOWING TO "IMPOSE DIRECT RULE," WITH ONE ANALYST SAYING, "THE
STATE MAY BE WILLING TO GO TO WAR TO PRESERVE IT."
LISTEN, CATALONIA, AMERICA HAS NO DESIRE TO GET IN THE MIDDLE
OF A CIVIL WAR, IF YOU DON'T COUNT IRAQ, AFGHANISTAN, SYRIA,
AND KARDASHIA.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT WE AMERICANS DO KNOW A THING
OR TWO ABOUT DITCHING A MONARCHY THAT'S TAXING YOU UNFAIRLY TO
START A NEW COUNTRY.
TRUST US, IT'S GOING TO TAKE COURAGE, DETERMINATION, AND A
LOT OF STUPID WIGS.
( LAUGHTER ) THE REST IS REALLY COMPLEX.
YOU'LL NEED A NEW CONSTITUTION, YOUR OWN BANKING SYSTEM, A TAX
POLICY-- YOU KNOW WHAT, SCREW IT.
HERE'S TWO TICKETS (BLEEP).
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S LIKES THE TAX POLICY.
HERE'S TICKETS TO "HAMILTON."
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S REALLY GOOD!
AT FIRST, YOU'RE LIKE "REALLY?
HIP HOP?
CAN THEY SUSTAIN THIS?" AND THEY TOTALLY CAN!
THEN YOU'RE LIKE, "BUT DO I CARE ABOUT ALEXANDER HAMILTON?"
THEN YOU TOTALLY DO!
JUST HANG IN THERE.
BEST I COULD GET WAS FOR MARCH, 2019.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH WHOOPI GOLDBERG.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )