I've been trying to figure out a few things
that we do that are weird though as a species.
For example, why do we have sex for more than 30 minutes?
That's an aggressively long time.
Sex shouldn't be longer than an episode of "Living Single."
I see that some of you are not familiar
with the hit FOX sitcom "Living Single."
I'll give you another reference point.
Sex shouldn't be longer than an episode of "Friends,"
the shitty-ass version of "Living Single."
( laughter and applause )
"We're gonna do it again, but with no black people in New York City."
Yeah, I see you.
And I'm gay.
That's two dicks.
We should be in and out in five minutes.
That's why I chose to be gay.
Which one of these finishes faster? I got places to be.
I have-- right now, I'm in a great relationship.
I have a wonderful boyfriend.
Before that, I was single 'cause that's how that works.
And that was awful 'cause dating is stupid as hell.
It's dumb as hell all across the board,
especially now with modern dating. We have the apps.
Like, I tried Tinder 'cause I've always wanted to date
the ugliest person in a group photo.
We know which one you are, okay?
But I also was on Grindr.
And if you're not familiar with Grindr,
it is a very real-time, very intense gay sex app.
And it was a little too intense for me.
Like, I remember the messages that I'd get.
One of them, this guy sent me this message, all caps,
"I only fuck masculine dudes.
Are you masculine?"
I responded, all lower case, "Yes.
I'm so masculine that I am done being gay.
I fuck mountains now, dawg.
What do you need?"
It was also weirdly racist.
This one white guy, he sent me this message,
"Looking for a man with a big chocolate dick."
That was the first thing he said to me.
Not, "Hi, hello, other human person in the world."
Just right to, "Looking for a man with a big chocolate dick."
I immediately replied with, "Oh, my God.
Me, too.
He killed my father.
We need to team up.
Hunt down the man with the big chocolate dick.
I'll scour the internet, you search the streets.
We'll bring him to justice together."
By the way, justice is the name of my mouth.
- ( audience reacts ) - What? Come on!
I thought we was having fun here!
( cheers and applause )
As a professional homosexual,
I've been trying to figure out
what is the gayest thing
in the entire world?
I've done my field research,
and I've come to the conclusion that straight men
that refuse to eat pussy
are the gayest thing...
( cheers and applause )
in the entire world.
Why do you exist?
Who are you for?
Why can they never keep it a secret?
They always brag about it. They just show up to parties and go, "I don't eat pussy!"
And then they leave.
And you're standing there like, "Why did I need to know that?"
'Cause you have to understand I have sucked hundreds--
nay, thousands of dicks,
and not once have I bragged about not eating pussy.
Never had such a gay-ass thought in my life.
Because even as a penis connoisseur,
I can tell unquestionably
vaginas are the far more pleasant set of genitals.
Hands down.
- ( applause ) - Like, no one-- thank you.
No one's ever been awoken with a hard vagina
poking them in the back.
No woman has ever removed a vagina from someone's mouth
and then smacked them on the cheek
a couple of times.
That doesn't feel good on either end, by the way.
That's a weird-ass thing to do.
Anybody here ever choke on a vagina?
Yeah, I didn't think so.