(relaxed music)
- Hey, there, I'm Aria,
and I've often abused Buzzfeed's resources
to try and find myself love,
so this new year I've decided to give back
and I'm gonna start by helping my best bud, Nando,
find love through using wikiHow tutorials
to help him create the perfect online dating profile.
wikiHow is an online database of tutorials,
ranging from the mundane to the outright bizarre.
With an entire section devoted to relationships,
I figured we'd try a few guides
to see if any could help out Fernando.
- I'm really hungover.
- [Aria] You see, Nando hasn't been in a relationship
for almost a year and is now looking for something serious.
- I went on a date last night.
- How did the date go?
- If what you're asking is if I ejaculated, no I didn't.
- That, yeah, that's what I was asking.
- But my love life right now is actually pretty cold.
- You've only had one Tinder date, right?
- One Tinder date.
- Well then perfect, 'cause we got all
these documents from wikiHow about how to
basically succeed at online dating.
How to write a captivating online dating profile.
- Well, I don't have one.
My bio is empty. - What is your bio?
- Nothing.
- You have no bio? - (laughs) I don't have one.
- I got recommended by our legal rep, Rebecca Magenheim.
- Have you dabbled in the occult?
- Yes. - Okay.
- She recommended a great dating site
that she thinks would be good for you called Farmers Only.
You love country boys.
- (laughs) Yeah.
Somebody from a dairy, I would like that.
Have sex on like a bed of cheese.
(both laugh)
- [Aria] To assist us, we also rope in Joyce.
♪ We fell in love in a hopeless place ♪
Buzzfeed's resident love guru.
♪ Build a boo with Joyce ♪
- Yes!
Okay?
- Remember that when creating your profile, less is more.
They say keep it real, do you believe in that?
- Of course, always keep it real, keep it honest.
You don't wanna change yourself for somebody else.
- Most sites also offer a heading, catch phrase,
slash tag line that appears in the searches
to draw people into your profile.
Humor often works best.
- Tie me up, love me like a cattle.
- Love me--
- Ride me, I like that.
- I'm just scared they're gonna just text you like,
I'll saddle you up. - Why are you scared of that?
- 'Cause you just said you want love.
What do you want, Fernando?
If you're gonna come into my office,
tell me what you really want, boy.
- I want love, but I also wanna (bleeps).
- Okay, well you...
(all laugh)
Can we Google farm terms?
(all laugh)
- [Aria] Bovine is cattle.
- Bovine, I like bovine!
- Bull, a sexually mature male bovine,
that's kinda like you.
- So make a home with this bull, or something like that.
- I like that.
- Show people your personality, don't describe it.
- I think we should talk about my favorite type of cheese.
Queso fresco.
- Okay. - Okay, okay, okay.
- Queso fresco.
Are you looking for your queso fresco,
'cause you've got it right here, daddy.
- Are you looking--
- I'm a young, raging bull looking for the one
so I can ride that saddle 'til the sun comes up.
- Yep.
- And when the (bleeps) is screaming
(Nando laughs) in the morning light,
you'll know that you spent a night
with the raging bull.
(Nando laughs)
- Now they say the next step is, of course, choose a photo.
More than one photo allows for people
to get a more three-dimensional idea
of what you look like in different contexts.
- Ooh. - Ooh!
- [Aria] Preferably include at least one headshot
and one full body shot.
Let's keep in mind, this is for farmersonly.com,
so we're playing to a market.
- [Joyce] Take your shirt off, put this on.
- [Nando] Put that under the vest.
- [Aria] No, no, we need to show some skin.
We have to make it look like
he's out in the country.
- Yeah.
- [Nando] There, that looks like a farm,
you can find that in a farm.
- [Jack] Trash can?
(Nando laughs)
Thumb's like here, that's a country boy thing.
- Be original and grab people's attention
to receive high responses.
For example, you could put one where you draw a smiley face
on a piece of paper and cover your face with it.
These kinds of pictures will add a touch of
quirky playfulness while adding
a sense of mystery that will people want more.
- [Joyce] When I see someone with like a single smiley face,
I'm gonna think they're a mass murderer.
- [Nando] Nobody's responded?
- No one's responded yet.
But there is one final wikiHow guide that I found
that I think is the best way to end this day.
How to cast a love spell.
And so we will be doing that right here in the bathtub.
Yeah. - Like with water in it?
- Yeah, and you.
- Hmm.
- No, no, you're not serious right?
Negativity is washed away and renewed as of today.
Many heads will turn my way,
the ones I choose will wish to stay.
- Relax to focus on your body
as you anticipate entering the water.
Think and feel how sensual it is and how beautiful you are.
Are you thinking those things?
Turn off the lights and turn on your favorite music.
Choose music that's in line with your desired end result.
- Mm hmm. - [Joyce] Mm.
- So what type of music are you feeling?
- I'm feeling like a spunky ballad almost.
- [Aria] Enter the bath and relax, make sure every part
of your body is immersed in the water at least once.
♪ Sailing with no destination ♪
♪ Roam the open ocean singing ♪
♪ Where is my heart? ♪
♪ When I think of all the years that I've been ♪
(spits)
- Oh my god.
- [Aria] I am blessed, I am loving.
- I am loved, and love myself, and I am love.
The spell was very basic,
I feel like some white girl who does yoga did it.
No negative people in my life,
negativity, negativity, love myself, self care.
- [Joyce] You're just in the bath listening to music,
I do that once a week with a bottle of wine.
- Yeah.
- I'm still alone.
- Single, yeah, very lonely.
- You know, for me, I'm just really happy
that I got to hang out with you guys,
and we believed in love, and we followed it.
- [Aria] Put your finger in there.
- [Nando] Love at the end of the day is a good thing.
- It is, and everyone deserves it,
just don't do it like this.
- But not all people find it.
♪ Sailing with no destination ♪
♪ Roam the open ocean singing ♪
♪ Where is my heart? ♪
♪ 'Cause I've been wonderin' where the hell you are ♪
(smacks lips)
(cat purrs)