Today is the launch of my new memoirs, Touching A Gentleman.
A journey inside me.
A journey that began inside of my father,
who willingly, and lovingly,
put it all inside of me.
Welcome!
Wel...welcome.
FEEDBACK
Welcome, everyone.
Hello, thank you so much for coming.
Now, I'm sure you're all very excited, as am I.
So, without further ado, I would like to introduce to you a very
unique gentleman,
one in a million,
it's Ahmed Armstrong.
SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
Yes, yes...
yes, yes.
Hello.
I would just like to say, er, obviously,
this is my new book,
Touching A Gentleman.
Self-explanatory, really.
I would like to, erm, dedicate this book to my loving wife, Camilla.
I love you, Camilla.
OK, erm, er...
Chapter one, White Supremacy.
"Then, Pippa Middleton turned to me.
"She was also wearing absolutely nothing.
"And she said,
"'Ahmed, I need you.'
"My response?
"'So does England.'"
As a work of fiction,
it is, actually, pretty impressive.
I mean, I didn't know he could write for that long.
"She said, 'Do not be a sheep.
"'You just want a pear ice because Halima got one.'
"I was enraged.
"So, I pointed at her directly with my thumb and I said,
"'Hey, woman!
"'Woman! You, woman!
"'Yes, you!
"'You may want to pull the wool over my eyes,
"'but you can't.'
"Why?
"Because a sheep already has wool on the face."
Yes, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Wow.
Thank you, Ahmed... Thank you.
..for sharing, er, those amazing chapters of your life with us.
And Ahmed will now be taking questions from the audience.
Er, yes, sir, with the grey jacket on?
I have read the book and I have to say it was a very good book.
Thank you, sir. I agree.
And, sir, do you have a question?
No.
Right, OK.
And, yes, Peter Smith, from the Herald Gazette.
Er, you spoke briefly about the pressures of having
the number one show on Pak Nation.
What do you mean by that?
It's like Picasso.
You know, when he does a painting, like, he always, you know,
strives to do a better painting?
You know?
So, it's kind of like the similar skill and determination of me,
but in a different industry.
OK. And, yes, you, sir.
I want to say something, innit.
Halima...
can I take you Nandos?
Sit down.
That was lovely, thank you so much.
Er, yes, gentleman at the back, there.
Yes, if you could stand up for me. Thank you.
It's your boy, Tommy Khan, from the Tommy & Vibe Show.
What's happening, yo?
I'm doing a special on the assimilation and whitewashing
of the British Asian face.
I'm just sitting here, wondering why you changed your name
from Abdelaziz to Armstrong.
No, I...
It doesn't say that in the book, so...it must be wrong.
What's with the name change, Ach-med?
Er, no, erm...
Any other questions, you know, from intellectual people?
Like Bilal. Bilal? Yeah, come on.
Hey, why are you shunning your culture, brother?
I'm not, obviously. I don't know what you're talking about.
TO HIMSELF: You little shit.
Hey, you're the shit.
You are the shit on shit.
Look, I just think that your fans here need to know the truth.
What do you mean?
Well, ask them.
OK, I think we'll end it there.
Has anybody read my book?
Anybody?
No?
Camilla, have you read my book?
Yes, I have read it.
OK, OK.
So, erm...
W-w-what, what is my book called?
Tickling...
Tickling?
..A Boy.
You thought that I...
..I invited everybody to come down,
so I can tell my story about
tickling a boy?
It's great, babe, I love it.
Oh, OK, that's...that's cool! I'm a boy tickler, I tickle boys.
Thank you so much for coming, everyone. If we could just all, erm,
make our way to the door. Thank you so much.
Er, have a lovely day.
Yeah, let's just...just through the door here.
Thank you very much, sir.
Thank you, ladies. Thank you.
Tickle boys.
Tickle boys!
That's it, you don't need to look back.
Well, there's no point acting like that, is there?
Oh, yeah, shall I be calm paedophile?
Is that what you want me to do?
I just...I think you should calm down. OK. OK, I'll calm.
I'll be calm.
Just believe in yourself, babe, that's all I ask of you.
Went well.
Good day.
I'm a paedophile. Fantastic.
Well done.