♪♪
-I'm in a great mood tonight,
and I'm just going to start off, I'm going to tell you,
I threw out all my Mac Tonight merch.
And I just feel better, you know?
It was fun while it lasted.
Ha ha. I hate it.
And then you send it to me and then I show it.
But the reality was, it just put me in a bad mood.
It did not spark joy. It sparked anxiety and terror.
And so I threw it all in the garbage, and I just feel...
I think you're going to see the difference today
compared to last week, which was a little low-energy.
I think we solved the problem.
Anyway, we're just -- We're off and running.
You guys, we referenced a post that Trump wrote on social media
where he wrote "The election was stollen,"
but he spelled it with two L's, "stollen."
A lot of you joke that -- didn't joke, excuse me.
You pointed out that "stollen," maybe he meant "stollen,"
which is sort of like a German Christmas fruitcake.
You know, maybe he wasn't saying
that the election was full of lies and inconsistency,
but rather it was full of nuts, spices, dried candy fruits.
Fair point. We shouldn't jump to conclusions.
I acted out Rupert Murdoch
telling someone to move to the left,
but I gestured to the right.
That's actually not a mistake, because in Australia...
[ Laughter ]
I referenced "A Few Good Men,"
and in referencing it, I said the line,
"You're goddamn right I ordered the Code Red."
The actual line is,
"You're goddamn right I did."
Did I know that
and still take artistic license for the purpose of the joke?
-Wait till they get a load of me.
[ Laughter ]
[ Sighs ]
When I said play the Nicholson clip,
I just assumed you'd know I meant...
"You're goddamn right I did."
You know what I mean?
Did I know that
and still take artistic license for the purpose of the joke?
"You're goddamn right I did."
[ Laughter ]
It just doesn't work with any Nicholson clip.
So I said, "Then play the Nicholson clip."
You read that email and you thought,
"Okay, find a Nicholson clip."
[ Exhales deeply ]
[ Laughter ]
I said, "if you ever run into a samurai"
in last week's Corrections.
Samurais were abolished in 1870.
But you keep telling me cancel culture is not real.
[ Laughter ]
We were talking about,
Trump has been workshop in nicknames for Ron DeSantis,
and we mentioned "Meatball Ron"
and how much we enjoyed "Meatball Ron."
And I said, "Why keep why keep digging when you strike gold?"
Well, I've been told by some gold-digging professionals,
prospectors, 49ers, if you will,
women of ill repute,
that once you strike gold,
the last thing you want to do is stop digging.
Like, you want to dig more than you've ever dug before
once you strike gold.
So you don't just say "eureka" and run off.
You know what? I'm...
...almost 50.
And I think I've...
come to terms with the fact that
I'm never going to yell "eureka!"
[ Laughter ]
When you're a kid, you think it's going to happen.
One day, you're going to find a thing
or come up with an idea,
gonna scream, "eureka!"
I can't even imagine what that would be.
Archimedes.
Um...
BDSM.
I guess I said it where I put too much emphasis on the "D."
Maybe that's just my favorite part.
[ Laughter ]
You think a guy who willingly submits himself
to 75 episodes of "Corrections" doesn't like a little D?
[ Laughter ]
We showed a Lego horse head in bed.
This is in reference to how I get bullied
by the Lego community,
and that because I accidentally have said
"Legos" in the past.
By way of intimidation,
they put a Lego horse head in my bed.
Well, when you mention "Lego," that community has a lot to say.
And I'd love to read everything they wrote
about our Lego horse head graphic,
but I think based on the volume, it might just be easier
to release it in 3 to 5 coffee table books.
My favorite comment was someone wrote,
"Lego horse heads don't detach."
Yeah, neither do regular horses heads.
[ Laughter ]
That doesn't stop the mafia from doing it.
"I want you to put the Lego horse head
in the Hollywood producer's bed."
"Only problem is, boss, they don't come off.
And they sure as hell ain't gonna go back on.
I just don't think you've thought it through, boss."
Oh, so at the end of each "Closer Look,"
What we'll do is we will call back a clip
from earlier in the "Closer Look"
as the final moment in in the "Closer Look."
It's a device known in these parts as "Sal's gambit,"
and...
at the end of "A Closer Look" this week,
I said, you know, Republican voters have a choice
between a regular D who has tanked two elections
or a tiny D, another new nickname
Trump has for Ron DeSantis.
I'm telling a lot of you this because I've started to realize
I don't think a lot of you are watching the show.
[ Laughter ]
Or a tiny D that's not bigger than...
We cut then to Donald Trump,
who earlier in the body of "A Closer Look"
had said in a clip, "six inches."
So we said, or a tiny D
that's not bigger than six inches.
Well, whew!
The YouTube wires were clogged with complaints,
of what I'm going to I'm going to jump to a conclusion
and say are gentlemen jackals.
Who sent me many, like --
a lot of data, a lot of medical charts.
Six inches is average or above average.
Sometimes you can just tell, it's not like it's in all-caps,
you can just tell how fast it was typed.
[ Laughter ]
A human year being equivalent to seven dog years is outdated,
we've been told.
That science is outdated.
According to the American Kennel Club,
the correct answer when someone asks
the age of your dog is,
"What the [bleep] do you care?
[ Laughter ]
Do we have nothing better to talk about?"
We had a photo of a magician.
Um, someone wrote a correction,
"That's not how magic works, just loose cards
in your sleeves."
Well, correction for you. It's not magic.
It's just tricks.
[ Laughter ]
"That's not how magic works."
Whew.
Big mistake. This is one...
I mean, this is where it's actually healthy
and helpful that we're doing corrections.
The bear in "Cocaine Bear" is a woman.
I got that wrong.
Maybe my favorite comment I've ever read in "Corrections,"
"I can't believe you misgendered Cocaine Bear
on International Women's Day."
[ Laughter ]
I mean, if that --
if that's how I go down, I apologize.
A female bear is just as capable
of going on a drug-filled rampage
as a male bear
and should be compensated the same.
Cocaine Bear, though,
because she was female,
broke a 40-year-old Hollywood record --
most cocaine done by an actress on screen,
formerly held by Michelle Pfeiffer in "Scarface."
40 years. What a run.
You don't tighten a gasket.
You tighten the bolt or nut that holds the gasket.
You also don't call Seth Meyers
when you need a handyman.
Did you, uh, try tightening the gasket?
Get the [bleep]...
The dog who played Eddie died before "Frasier" ended,
which was for the best, because he always said that if
Niles and Daphne got together, the show would jump the shark.
[ Laughter ]
Eddie was played by Moose
and was replaced on the show "Frasier"
by his own son, Enzo, and to this day,
a lot of suspicions surround...
Like, where was Enzo?
Hey, you guys,
Now is as good a time to remind you
that "Corrections" is twice Emmy-nominated,
and you just can't take that away, right?
No matter how bad it gets, we get to say that forever.
I've been told both times -- we've never won,
but we have finished second both times,
I've been told by trusted sources,
someone I believe.
I'm not going to name names.
He used to be a mayor of New York,
hosted "SNL," and he told me, finished twice.
Hey, but you might not know this.
We have to pick an episode to submit that Emmy voters --
The way it works is, we pick
what we think is the best "Corrections."
We submit it, Emmy voters receive a link.
Then the nominees are chosen
and then those links are sent to the voters at large,
and then "Carpool Karaoke" wins.
And so it's an interesting process.
[ Laughter ]
But you know, there's a very crowdsourced
piece of of comedy, of content, you could say.
"Content" some weeks, you know,
and every now and then we peek our head into comedy.
So we're going to post, if we can post on Sea Captain Polls,
and we'll put Sea Captain Polls down here.
We would like your input.
What is the best episode of "Corrections"
in this Emmy window?
Which means it has to be episode 49 or later.
We genuinely, you know, obviously,
there's still a lot more time to go
and I obviously would love to think
that our best "Corrections" are ahead of us, you know?
Obviously not today, but maybe next week.
And yeah, so we're going to post that,
and let us know which is your favorite one because, again,
sometimes you strike gold and keep digging with your jackals.
And this was my favorite comment from a jackal this week.
You know, we had a joke about the people who sell bags,
fake designer handbags in Times Square,
and they'll sometimes have a letter off.
And we had a bit about a Hermes bag
that was spelled with a P so it would spell "herpes,"
but they would say it's a "Herpes" bag.
And someone said, you missed the joke,
which was the tagline for herpes bag would be,
"Herpes,
you'll carry it with you forever."
[ Laughter ]
Not bad.
Oh, a genuine correction.
I was told "hearing impaired" is an outdated term.
"Deaf and hard of hearing" are preferred.
Apologies.
Learning is what we did set out to do.
And thank you for telling me that so politely.
That is something I'm very sorry I got wrong.
Oh, I was also -- This is an interesting point.
I don't know if it's true or not.
We should keep an eye on it, because we did --
and I appreciate the speed of it --
we now have numbered episodes in "Corrections."
Someone said by numbering our episodes,
we might be punished by the YouTube algorithm.
With that said,
if you've never watched one of these and then
it shows up in your feed one day,
I would say that's an example of the algorithm punishing you.
[ Laughter ]
I said meth is...
..."poor man's Ozempic." Ha ha.
But someone said, you know, for years,
meth was prescribed for weight loss.
In fact, amphetamines obviously prescribed.
The original "Breaking Bad" was about a chemistry teacher
and his former student who developed a weight loss pill.
Breaking "Fat." It's allowed.
Weird Al did it.
They did? What? I can't say we...?
We're nominated for two Emmys?
They took it away?
[ Laughter ]
Oh, speaking of that YouTube playlist,
because the first one is --
well, this week will be Episode 75.
Some people were upset.
They want the playlist to say Episode 1 first
so they can click it
and then it will just autoplay to the next one,
because now you have to go to the bottom and click 1,
and then when it's over, you have to click 2.
We're going to consider making that change,
because the last thing we want any of you to do
is make the bare minimum of effort.
[ Laughter ]
Well, that felt good.
Tonight felt great, lighter. More fun.
Like I felt the change.
[ Ominous music playing ]
I don't know if you guys felt the change, but for me,
it's just like, better now.
And I feel like by getting rid of that stuff,
the situation --
-You're goddamn right I did!
-No, that...!
That was, "Wait till they get a load of me."
[ Laughter ]
I don't even... What?