BAND, EVERYBODY, RIGHT THERE! JOE SAYLOR AND THE LATE SHOW
BAND.
YOU KNOW, JOE-- PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. JOE, YOU KNOW, I'M LOSING MY
VOICE A LITTLE BIT BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING ALL
NIGHT? I'VE BEEN SCREAMING WITH
EXCITEMENT ABOUT ALL THE ACTION ON CBS FROM 9:00 TO 11:00.
OBVIOUSLY, WE'RE ON AFTER THAT. THIS IS AN 11:30 SHOW.
EVERYBODY KNOWS HERE. IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT RIGHT NOW
FOR ALL OF US RIGHT NOW. AND WE'RE FOLLOWING "PICKLED."
WHICH WAS THE CELEBRITY PICKLEBALL TOURNAMENT THEY
HOSTED TONIGHT. AND TONIGHT, WE HAVE THE
WINNERS, NOT ONLY DO WE HAVE-- WE HAVE THE WINNERS OF THAT.
WE HAVE DIERKS BENTLEY, COUNTRY SUPERSTAR, AND PHIL KEOGHAN,
HOCHT OF THE "THE AMAZING RACE," WHO WON "PICKLED."
THEY WON THE CELEBRITY TOURNAMENT TONIGHT.
CONGRATULATIONS TO THEM. REAL FEATHER IN THEIR CAP.
REAL FEATHER IN THEIR CAP. >> Joe: SOMETHING TO BE PROUD
OF. >> Stephen: YOU DO A LOT IN
YOUR CAREER AND YOU WIN A PICKLEBALL TOURNAMENT AND THE
REST SEEMS KIND OF SMALL. AND ALSO WE HAVE THE LOVELY, THE
TALENTED, THE EXTRAORDINARILY GIFT, EMMY WINNER MICHELLE
WILLIAMS WILL BE HERE TONIGHT. SHE'S IN THE NEW-- SHE'S IN THAT
NEW SPIELBERG MOVIE "THE FABELMANS," ABOUT HIS LIFE.
IT'S ABOUT HIS CHILDHOOD. IT'S NOT CALLED "THE
SPIELBERGS." IT'S CALLED "THE FABELMANS."
>> Joe: YEAH, THAT IS WEIRD. HE COULDN'T GET THE RIGHTS TO
HIS OWN NAME. >> Stephen: HE DIDN'T HAVE THE
RIGHTS TO HIS OWN NAME. SOMEBODY ELSE GOT THE BLUE CHECK
ON TWITTER. FOLKS, YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF
MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE, WANDERING THE NEWS TANNERY, HAND
SELECTING THE DAY'S MOST TOPICAL CALF LEATHER, SHAPING IT TO A
BESPOKE LAST, THEN ADDING A BARK-TANNED SOLE WITH WELTED
DOUBLE STITCHING TO CREATE THE FLAWLESS CROCKETT & JONES CAP
TOE OXFORDS THAT ARE MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I WAKE UP NAKED IN
SOMEONE'S YARD IN THE COCKPIT OF A CESSNA 150 THAT I ASSUME I'VE
STOLEN, TEAR STRIPS FROM A TIRE SWING, THEN CUT THE ROPE
OFF A TETHERBALL TO LASH THEM TO MY FEET, AND AS THE COPS CLOSE
IN, I DART FROM UNDER AN OVERTURNED BABY POOL IN THE
FUGITIVE PLANE-JACKER'S FLIP- FLOPS OF NEWS THAT ARE MY
SEGMENT: >> MEANWHILE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS IS TETRACYCLINE FOR THE SOUL.
MEANWHILE, "A TATTOO-REMOVAL STUDIO HAS OFFERED TO REMOVE
KANYE WEST TATTOOS FOR FREE
YEEZY GO."
INJURY, THEY'LL REPLACE YOUR YE TATTOO WITH PETE DAVIDSON.
( LAUGHTER )
KNOWN AS AYAHUASCA CAUSES MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS THAT LAST
MONTHS, A NEW STUDY HAS FOUND. NOT TO MENTION HOW LONG IT TAKES
FOR YOUR SISTER'S NEW BOYFRIEND TO SHUT UP ABOUT IT.
"WE HEARD YOU, RYAN. IT WAS TRANSFORMATIVE.
YOU'RE NOW THE CAPTAIN OF A SPIRITUAL SPACESHIP WHOSE FUEL
IS PRIMARY COLORS. AND, NO, I WILL NOT CALL YOU
'EVEREST.'"
COSTCO'S PRICE OF $1.50, SAM'S CLUB IS CUTTING THE PRICE OF ITS
HOT DOG AND SODA FROM $1.50 TO $1.38.
THOUGH, I WILL REMIND YOU, THERE IS STILL MORE NUTRITIONAL VALUE
IN JUST LICKING 138 PENNIES.
MEANWHILE, SCRABBLE: THE THINKING MAN'S BANANAGRAMS.
THIS WEEK, "THE CREATORS OF THE GAME ADDED 500 NEW WORDS TO THE
OFFICIAL SCRABBLE DICTIONARY," LIKE ZOODLE AND GUAC.
UP 'TIL NOW, IF YOU WANTED TO ADD GUAC TO THE BOARD, YOU HAD
TO PAY TWO BUCKS EXTRA.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
YOU WERE RIGHT. YOU WERE RIGHT.
MEANWHILE, "A MAN GOT A JUMPROPE STUCK IN HIS BLADDER AFTER
SHOVING IT INTO HIS PENIS." LET THIS BE A LESSON TO YOU,
KIDS. I KNOW IT SOUNDS FUN, BUT
THERE'S A DOWNSIDE TO SHOVING A JUMPROPE INTO YOUR PENIS.
THE MAN WAS APPARENTLY EXPERIENCING SOME DISCOMFORT,
AND WAS "FORCED TO SEEK MEDICAL HELP, COMPLAINING THAT HE WAS
SUFFERING FROM A CONDITION CALLED "DYSURIA."
OR AS IT'S MORE COMMONLY KNOWN: "DOUBLE DUTCH DONG."
( LAUGHTER )
HEMP ARE MAKING T.H.C.-LACED MILK."
EXPLAINS WHY THEY'VE CHANGED THE SLOGAN FROM "GOT MILK?" TO
"DO YOU EVER WONDER IF MILK GETS YOU?"
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK