Hi, my name is Mike Trapp and I have a special message for expecting parents everywhere.
STOP NAMING YOUR CHILDREN MICHAEL.
It is an indisputable fact that there are a fuckton of Michaels out there.
Over four million in the U.S alone.
That's a lot of Michaels!
That's more than all the Zachs, Pats, Grants, and Siobhans combined.
Or, to think of it another way,
If you took all the Mikes in the U.S and lined them up end-to-end,
they would stretch from New York City to Rome, and most of them would drown.
Now, you may be wondering if there's REALLY that many Mikes.
Well, all you have to do is look in your phone.
Go ahead, look. I'll wait.
Can you believe how many Mikes there are?!
And how many old contacts you have that you should delete?
It's crazy.
Now you may be thinking,
"Who cares, I'm still gonna name my kid Mike."
And here's the thing:
No you're not.
There's so many Michaels that no one will EVER call him that.
When you name your kid Michael, you're really naming him
"Mikey-B" or "Fat Mike" or whatever your name happens to be.
(Hey, Trapp!) Hey!
There are so many Michaels that there are already two incredibly famous Michael Jordans.
And two famous Michael Foxes.
AND two famous Mike Myers-is-es-is
And look at this! All these actors are in Boardwalk Empire.
They're all Mikes!
Every last one of 'em! A Mike!
And in case people weren't enough,
It's also the name of a John Travolta movie, a national craft store chain, and a hard lemonade.
So CLEARLY there are too many Mikes.
And we've been making this mistake for ages.
It was the number one male name from 1954 to 1998.
And it's STILL in the top three.
The only things from the nineteen fifties that are still that popular
Are rock n roll, the Tonight Show, and racism.
And I'm not sure about the first two.
So this year,
Let's put an end to the madness.
Let's make 2016 the year of No New Mikes.
You can name your child anything you want!
Jeremy, or Apple.
Or even Nichael, which is different, but it sounds very similar.
Anything except Mike.
I thank you, and the following people thank you.
[that's a lot.]
[a LOT of Mikes.]
Hi, it's Mike Trapp from CollegeHumor.
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