[MUSIC]
I'd like you to do two things.
Firstly, think about the two most loved ones in your life right now.
[BLANK_AUDIO]
Great next I'd like you to rank them on a scale of one to ten.
[LAUGH] This scale is how much you share yourself with them.
Your inner most thoughts and emotions, one being you share nothing,
ten being that you are a complete open book.
[BLANK_AUDIO]
Cool, seems like we all have it.
So, hold that until the end of this little keynote and we will come back to that.
My keynote today is about relationships and connections,
and about what holds us back from them.
See to me, a real relationship is one where you share yourself with your loved
ones, you share your inner most thoughts, you share your emotions in aid and
service of a better relationship but I don't think we do that enough.
I don't think we have the strongest relationships we could,
and the silent enemy here is our own misperceptions.
What are misperceptions?
Well, if I'm trying to share myself, I might be worried about protecting someone
protecting them from what my innermost thoughts and emotions are.
I might be worried about changing the the image I have and ahead of me.
Or worst of all, breaking a relationship cuz we're scared of sharing ourselves.
And I notice, cuz I do this every single day.
And it's something I'm trying not to do.
See, I over weigh the risks.
I worry about protecting people.
I worry about losing them.
And as such I don't share the risk I could have share the [UNKNOWN] risks.
And even so, cuz I don't do it enough I underweigh the benefits and
I don't do it again and
I don't want you to make the same mistake with your close loved ones.
I'm gonna tell you a few stories where I
have closed myself off because of my own misperceptions.
And hopefully you can open up then, from there.
[BLANK_AUDIO]
I lost my father when I was six years old.
He went missing on a business trip and we never heard from him again.
And my family went into chaos.
There was sadness.
There was anger and some depression as well.
And from ages six to 13 I was told nothing.
It took til when I was 13, and I was totally oblivious before that point.
And I'm playing in the park with my uncle, and his two, and his two,
and his sons, my cousins.
And I hear one of my cousins shout Dad, Dad, pass the ball, and
something just dropped and I asked myself a question.
He has a dad, where is my dad?
And misperceptions started filling my head.
Was it my fault my dad had disappeared?
What were they not telling me?
What was the great secret?
I'd been a happy kid, before hand, I would run straight home from school and
I would go to my family and tell them how my day was, this changed.
I ran straight to my room every single day for the next year.
I closed myself off from my family.
I dove myself into my books.
And I got great grades which they loved me for
but I got validation from my grades and not who I truly was inside.
And it took six months of counseling to get past this,
six moths of counseling to get over the grief, but
moreover realize that I was holding misperceptions in my own head.
My family had lost a husband, an uncle, and a son.
How could they tell a six or thirteen year old boy,
your father isnt coming back, cuz that would mean accepting it for themselves.
I realize this is a misperception, i was wrong so
i became a happier kid from that.
I opened up to my family, i used to run to them and
tell them how my day was, cuz I know it was my own misperception.
But my misperception had closed me off for a year and
a half to my family, I had lost that time with them.
Now the next story is a teenage right of passage it's one we
all know all too well I mean, it's telling your parents you've been on a date.
[LAUGH].
It's that kind of story [LAUGH] shock all around the room yep.
To give you some back story, my mother had been on four dates with my father,
and they decided to get married very traditional, in Indian society.
So, what I thought for my mother what she wanted from
me was you go to a good high school, [LAUGH] get great university,
get good internship, get great graduate job,.
You can see where this is going [LAUGH] go to great graduate
program Stanford MBA will do.
[LAUGH] Find wife and have a very good life.
[LAUGH] Tick box.
[LAUGH] So I'm 18 I'm back home from college.
It's the first time I'm back and I've been on a date with this wonderful girl and,
for a week or so I'd been debating, do I tell my mother?
A week later, I'm in the kitchen cooking with her and
I finally decide to break the news to her, but I'm worried.
What's she going to think of me?
Is she going to think less of me?
Will she think I'm not traditional, but I say it anyway.
Cooking mushrooms and I say, Mom so I've kind of met a girl.
Oh, you met a girl?
[LAUGH].
What do you mean met a girl.
Uh-oh.
We've been on a few dates.
Oh, Have you kissed yet?
[LAUGH] And at this point my heart is going [SOUND].
My misperceptions are filling my head.
I'm just thinking oh God what do I do now?
But I decide to tell her, I say yes.
[INAUDIBLE] [LAUGH] And her reaction is one that I never could have imagined.
Ooh.
[LAUGH]
[APPLAUSE].
>> Tell me more.
[LAUGH].
At this moment I realize my misconceptions were all gone.
She didn't want me to follow traditional path.
She was happy and excited for me.
And now I'm very open with my, about my relationships.
If anything she's too involved now.
[LAUGH].
But that's a story for another day.
My final story is about getting to know my father better.
Now as you recall, my father went missing when I was six and
I have four memories of him.
That's four memories of someone who's 50% of my DNA.
That's crazy, and last year, when I was doing a talk at the GSP, I realized this.
But the reason I hadn't asked my family since I was six, was because of the fact
that I thought they need to be protected, it was a misperception.
Yes they were hurting, they had gone through to strife.
If I open this can of worms up, then I would be causing a family struggle, so
I had held back, but I realized I just had to know, for
memories was not enough for me.
So I took my uncle into the cold sitting room two Christmases ago.
We normally have a very jovial relationship so he knew something was up.
He goes, Jay, this seems really serious.
What's going on?
And now my misperceptions are playing.
Am I going to hurt him?
Am I going to cause family struggles?
And these emotions start bubbling up within me, and before I know, I'm saying,
I go, what the hell, I know absolutely nothing at all, what the hell's going on,
I know four memories, you haven't told me anything, I know you're hurting,
let me know his face, his jaw is dropping, his face is getting whiter and whiter.
And my misperceptions are playing.
Oh, God, what the hell have I just done?
But his response, again, wipe my misperceptions.
I can't believe we haven't talked about this sooner.
I had no idea why you've never asked me.
And I know that we needed to have this discussion.
[BLANK_AUDIO]
Misperceptions, white my uncle didn't need to be protected.
This wasn't gonna cause some family struggle or strife.
But I, my own misperceptions had held back knowing about my father since I was six.
I could have known, 19 years ago, about my father, yet my own misperceptions that
held me back from finding out about 50% of my DNA that's crazy.
And I don't want you to make the same mistake that I did.
So I'll ask you this, go back to those two people at the start of this little keynote
that you had in your head your two loved ones.
And this weekend ask yourself
what misperceptions are you holding about those two loved ones, that are holding you
from fully sharing yourself and having a strong and great relationship with them?
And then just go, eh.
[LAUGH]. Take that risk,
cuz if those two loved ones aren't worth a risk, then who is?
Thank you.
[APPLAUSE]
[MUSIC]