- Are those the ones that like to do it in animal costumes?
- No, he wants her to wear a strap-on,
she's not really into it.
It's a classic power dynamic issue.
- Oh, I wish my mom was a sex guru.
- I've noticed you're pretending to masturbate
and I was wondering if you wanted to talk about it?
- Trust me, you don't.
(upbeat rock music)
- I mean, what exactly is the problem here?
I mean, can you even get a hard-on?
- I wait for them to go away, I don't like how it feels.
- Your mum's cool, why aren't you cool?
She's hot, why didn't you say she was hot?
- Because she's my mum.
- Everyone has had sex over the summer, everyone except you.
- And you.
- Excuse me, I gave two and a half hand jobs
to that guy I met in Butlin's.
- Why the half?
- We got interrupted, stupid surprise karaoke.
He still calls me tromboner.
The nickname doesn't even make sense,
I play the French horn.
(Otis claps)
- [Ruby] What a slag.
- Look at that greasy hair, maybe she can't afford shampoo.
- Or deodorant.
Have you been smoking here again?
- No, I haven't.
They're looking for me, thanks for the game.
- No worries. - And the chat.
- Don't worry, we were never here.
- We saw what you were doing,
it was your whale dick boyfriend.
- Did you just fake it? - Don't be stupid.
I just can't stop thinking about stuff when I'm shagging.
You know, what if I'm not good at this,
maybe I'm doing it wrong,
maybe she knows I'm doing it wrong.
- Sounds to me like you're experiencing
some performance anxiety.
- The students at this school need your help, Otis.
I'll deal with the business end of things
and you can do the therapy.
- Therapy? - Yeah, sex therapy.
- I'm really freaked out by bumholes.
- Is it weird that I always
think about the Queen when I come?
- I think I'm addicted to wanking,
I'm kinda doing it right now.
- I might have a mild to moderate crush on Maeve.
She touched my eyebrows, now I have an erection.
(Eric laughs)
- I need you to meet me somewhere after school.
- She's asking you on a date.
- Maeve, hi, why are we in an abortion clinic?
(guitar music)
Oh.
- I feel way more guilty about the ones that I had
than the ones I chose not to,
you're not as tough as you look.
- It's been a shitty day.
You waited. - Course.
- Maybe we could go on a date sometime?
- [Maeve] You wanted to keep this a secret
and now you wanna go on a date, do you?
- So, I need your help. - Me?
- You want him to help you get Maeve to be your girlfriend?
- Yeah.
- Give Jackson the wrong advice, make trouble.
- Okay, that is unethical on so many levels!
- [Eric] Yeah, unethical or bad ass.
- Make a grand gesture, think like rom-com grand, you know?
If it seems too much, go bigger.
- Will you please be my girlfriend?
- You dickhead.
(crowd cheer)
- Well, that was unexpected.
- Eric, you can't go out dressed like this.
- Dad, it's okay, it's a costume.
- Is it your birthday? - Yeah.
- It's my birthday, too. - No, no!
- Excuse me, miss?
- It's a costume, I was going to see
a film with a friend, I'm not a--
(Eric exclaims)
- I'm sorry, dude, this thing came up
with Maeve and the clinic and--
- We've been friends since we were nine years old
and you've abandoned me for someone
that you've known for five seconds!
- What kind of man do you want to be?
- This is me, isn't it better to be who I am?
- I am learning from my brave son.
- I miss you.
I think you are the coolest, bravest
and kindest person I know.
(Eric laughs)
- I'm gonna fucking kill you.
- Are you gonna do it now or later
because I'm ready when you are.
- How was detention?
- Why, it was very boring, nothing weird happened,
it was a very average detention.
- I have spoken to the dean at Murfew Military this morning.
- Mum, don't make me go.
- That minge everyone's been laughing at all day, it's mine!
- [Michael] This kind of behavior
has very serious consequences.
- It's my vagina! - Sit down.
- No, it's my vagina!
It's my vagina! - Enough, thank--
- It is my vagina! - You don't have a vagina!
- Tell me what you want.
- No one's ever asked me that before.
I ate four packets of crumpets and I think my clit
might drop off but I know exactly what I want.
I'm dumping you for her.
- She's a slag.
- Yeah, you're right but so am I.
- I'm not a slag.
- Me neither, it just sounded good.
- And I really want to have sex with someone.
- I'm gay! - Fuck, really?
- Yeah, properly!
- You seem desperate to have sex, I don't know why.
- [Lily] I just don't wanna be left behind.
- Sorry, sorry, who's the dickhead?
- My brother. - What?
- We were born alone and we will die alone.
- [Michael] I'm reporting your brother to the police.
- Wait, they're mine.
- Heard you're getting expelled, cock-biter.
- I suggest you forget about Maeve Wiley, hm?
- I'm Ola.
D'you wanna go out with me? - Yeah, yeah.
D'you think maybe you could not sleep with Ola's dad,
it's gonna make things super awkward for me.
- I would never.
(both breathe heavily)
Completely inappropriate.
- I made some notes on your book, the one about me.
I'm not, I'm not normal.
- Of course you're normal.
- Did you and Maeve date or something?
- If I give you another 50,
will you tell me how to get Maeve to like me again?
- Jackson.
- He paid you to tell him what I like?
- [Otis] I'm so sorry that I hurt you,
you saw something in me when no one else did.
- Don't be lame.
(Eric wheezes incoherently)
- Ta rah, lad. - See you later, pet.
- Oh, does it, does it, does it, does it?
- What is your thing, then?
- Complex female characters.
- I want a crumpet.
- But love isn't about grand gestures
or the moon and the stars, it's just dumb luck
and sometimes, you meet someone who feels the same way
and then sometimes, you're unlucky but one day,
you're gonna meet someone
who appreciates you for who you are.
I'm just new to all this and I need to take things slowly.
- D'you want to kiss me?
(Otis exclaims)
- Fuck me!