I’m about to tell you how to win an argument, but before I break into psychology and debate
tactics, why not try my personal winning strategy that actually got me this job.
[crying]
Hey master debaters, I’m Jules for Dnews, and… you’re wrong.
I’m sorry about that, but you’re simply incorrect.
I challenge you to prove me otherwise.
Argue your point, change my opinion.
Chances are, you can’t.
Not because I’m alone in a studio and screen all my phone calls, but because, according
to neuroscience, it’s really difficult to win an argument.
That is, if you define winning an argument as “effective persuasion”.
It turns out arguing and persuading are incompatible goals for most people.
Psychology professor Drew Weston headed up a study in 2004 where researchers took supporters
of George W. Bush and John Kerry and showed them videos of their preferred candidate contradicting
himself.
1
Simultaneously, the participant’s brains were scanned in an MRI machine.
When subjects were shown videos challenging their beliefs, the part of the brain associated
with logic and reason, the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex, didn’t light up very much.
However, the orbital frontal cortex, the anterior cingulate and the posterior cingulate all
lit up, and those areas are mainly associated with emotion, conflict resolution, and moral
judgement.
Instead of processing whether or not their beliefs were right, the subjects instead processed
how the information made them feel, and how to resolve that incongruence.
As soon as they figured out how to justify the incorrect information without challenging
their own beliefs, so maybe something like saying that the candidate accidentally misspoke,
their brains released a bunch of dopamine as a reward and made them feel great!
Even when presented with evidence challenging their beliefs, the subjects resolved their
internal confusion without being persuaded to change their minds.5 And we know this rings
true even outside of the laboratory.
According to research by another psychology professor, John Gottman, roughly 69% of the
things married couples argue about are never resolved and are perpetual.
Most of the time, arguing doesn’t solve anything.
But hey, you came here to learn how to kick ass next time you argue, not learn about why
arguing is messy and stupid.
So how do you actually win an argument?
Well, by not arguing1.
Yeah, I know, it sounds like I’m promoting the abstinence theory of debate, but hear
me out.
Arguing is a war; it has a winner and a loser, and nobody wants to be a loser.
Being wrong is okay as long as nobody knows it, but if you have to admit that you’re
wrong, AND change your behavior, you’re probably going to look for any possible reason
not to.
The real trick is to make an argument look as little like a war as possible.
And you know who’s really good at that?
FBI hostage negotiators.
The FBI uses a method of persuasion known as the Behavioral Change Stairway Model, and
it actually only consists of five steps.
Step One: Actively listen.
Show your opponent that you are taking in what they’re putting out.
Step Two: Empathize.
Let them know that not only do you understand where they’re coming from, but you understand
how they feel about their position.
Don’t dismiss feelings or negate their experiences, even if you disagree.
Which you probably do.
Keep all those adversarial feelings bottled up for now.
Step Three: Build a rapport.
Once you’ve shown them that you understand how they feel, now you want them to understand
how you feel.
Because if you both lay all the cards on the table, then you can trust each other, or at
the very least, they’ll trust you.
Step Four: Influence.
This is the first place where you’re going to actually make your point after building
a strong foundation of empathy and trust.
If you’re both listening, then you can start problem solving with them, not against them.
And finally, Step Five, which is less of a step and more of a conclusion: they change9.
For the FBI this means they surrender, but for you, it might mean you get to stay out
past curfew, or get the wallpaper you like, or eat 200 hot dogs in an hour, whatever floats
your boat.
Pretty much all of those self-help books about arguing follow these same basic steps, because
in the end, the thing we most want to do when someone tells us we’re wrong, is almost
always the exactly wrong thing to do.
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So now you know how to win an argument, congratulations!
Too bad Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump didn’t watch this video before their debate, but
do debates even matter in the first place?
Watch me talk about whether or not they can actually affect the election in this video.
But it
is impossible for some people to see eye to eye?
Are conservative and liberal brains actually different?
Find out in this video by Tara.
So what are some other tips and tricks you can use to win an argument?
Let us know down below in the comments and don't forget to liking and subscribing for
more DNews everyday.