How do you stay together?
You gotta fuck.
(audience laughs)
People always like, "Oh, when we got together
"it was so much fun, but then problems arose."
No they didn't, nothing arose.
Every problem you have today, you had when you met.
But you were fucking so you forgave.
(playful Spanish guitar music)
I just wanna already be deeply in love,
I don't wanna have to trot through
all the getting to know you questions,
where it's like, "Oh, where abouts do you hail from?
"Well where do you hail from, I need answers!"
You know it's like, "Where!"
And then it's like, "Oh, okay, yeah, I never been
"to that town but I been to a nearby town,
"so I can kind of imagine."
(Chelsea bellowing)
I love my wife a lot, but marriage
has definitely made me a wuss puss.
Before I got married, I used to care
because I was trying to get laid,
now I don't care anymore, okay.
All I care about is my wife's opinion about me
and her well-being, that's all I care about.
I don't give a fuck about
any of this other idiots on internet.
Even her friends, come and talk,
my wife's friends say "Hey Ronnie!"
I'm like, "Fuck this shit."
I just gotta walk away.
If you're worried about gold diggers, I have an idea.
How about just date women with their own fuckin' gold?
I don't know, maybe stop dating 18 year-olds,
that need a Kickstarter campaign just to eat dinner.
Maybe just date adults with jobs.
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
(speaks gibberish)
That's how I know I love my baby
more than anybody else in the entire world.
I told my husband till death do us part.
And not once have I ever
sniffed his ass.
(audience laughing)
I've licked it, but I haven't sniffed it.
I married a chef because I'm a fucking genius.
(audience cheering)
Right?
Do you guys like food?
(audience cheers)
That's what he makes, that's what he makes.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, I love it.
Marrying a chef, it's like a little on the nose for me,
it's kind of like Snoop marrying weed.
(Amy chuckles)
If I've learned anything in five years
of being married is we're always working on me.
(audience laughs)
Evidently my wife is this completed work,
under museum glass that is to be admired
and studied, like, "How did she do that?"
And I'm like one of these, you know those buildings
that just has scaffolding around it
for like six straight years?
And you're like, "Are they ever gonna finish that thing?
"Is that some sort of insurance shop?
"Jesus Christ, what a piece of shit,
you should just tear it down and start over again!"
I have one fantasy that I've allowed myself,
even though it isn't based in reality.
But I think it's pretty good, it works every time.
I'm in an alley, in some kind of Angelina Jolie,
Tomb Raider outfit, and an ex-boyfriend comes towards me.
One I really loved.
And he doesn't say anything right away,
and he just leans me against the wall,
and gets real close and he whispers,
"You're right, I do need therapy."
(audience laughs)
I said I'm in a relationship now,
I did serve several sentences online
and I didn't click with anyone, but there were several men
who I don't want their voices to be lost,
where else are they gonna be represented in society?
So these are just some up-and-comers
you should look out for.
This guy just wrote, "Come smoke weed."
Sent on Christmas!
(audience laughs)
I was like, "Jesus, is that you?"
(playful Spanish guitar music)