Theme: I'll be ready (I'll be ready)
Theme: Never you fear (No don't you fear)
Theme: I'll be ready
Theme: Forever and always, I'm always here
Allison: This episode is trying to trick you with the title, guys. It may be about a "heatwave,"
Allison: and believe me it's certainly not the last episode to focus on the melting point of lifeguards,
Allison: but the central plot is actually pretty inane.
Allison: If you enjoy seeing people trapped in various places, you will absolutely love Baywatch.
Allison: The episode is temporarily hijacked by a lackluster '80's action film
Allison: before we get an appearance by the sand tractor.
Allison: This is--no joke--commonly referred to as a sandboni.
Allison: so if you like going to the beach but hate stepping on broken glass,
Allison: you can thank the fine folks who drive Sandbonis for protecting your feet.
Allison: Don't say I never taught you anything.
Allison: And what's Mitch doing-- ah, surprise. He's cooking meat!
Hobie: Air Condition is like a new concept and cooling?
Mitch (with presumably raw meat in his mouth): yeah, this is the beach, pal, we don't need air conditioning.
Allison (as Mitch): Only losers suffer from heat stroke, Hobster, suck it up and eat your burger.
(Blows landing)
Allison: The two of them are visited by Steve, an old lifeguard friend of Mitch's
Allison: who's brought his son, Mike, over. Ahh, I'm glad
Allison: Mitch gets to spend some quality time with his old friend and absolutely nothing bad will happen.
Mitch: Hey man! What are you doing here?
Allison (as Mitch): You interrupted my breakfast burger you son of a bitch
Steve: Not a gray hair, not a pound heavier
Mitch: Yeah, and you're blind as ever, ha!
Allison (as Mitch): Ha! But seriously keep going.
Allison: The two of them reminisce about the old days while Steve steals Mitch's food.
Steve: Boy this smells good.
(Dramatic Sting)
Allison: He makes it clear he wants to mooch off of the Buchanans for a while.
Allison: What, does he think money grows on lifeguard towers? Come on
Allison: And now, for the:
"Eddie stares creepily at this lady for an uncomfortably long time" segment.
(Considers restraining order silently)
(Crash from off-screen)
Allison (as Eddie): Ow I broke my ribs!
Allison: And a zoom in on Trevor's crotch for good measure.
Allison: He's:
Allison (as Eddie): That's not impressive. I stuff my diaper way bigger than that
Allison: Meanwhile, Craig is juggling his two careers.
Allison (sarcastically): How can he possibly work two jobs at once? That's insanity!
Mitch (as Christopher Walken): What's with the suit it's gonna be a madhouse out there today. I need you here.
Craig: Sorry. Can't. I'm a lawyer today
Allison (as Mitch): There's no place for the law on the beach!
Allison (as Mitch): Hand in your shorts and your rescue can. You're off the case
Allison: Craig's office looks like a little old lady's tea room.
Allison (as old lady Craig) Sit down, sonny, and let me tell you about how many of my dead friends I've sued today.
Craig's boss: Paul Dunford is demanding. We refund the $6,000 you billed him last month
Craig: Wait, why?
Craig's boss: Why well it seems that he saw you play lifeguard last weekend
Craig's boss: And figures he shouldn't have to pay you $200 an hour when the county gets you for 12 bucks
Allison (as Craig's boss): I guess he never noticed that different occupations have different pay scales
Allison (as Craig's boss): So I have to listen to this ridiculous request
Craig's Boss: Now, I don't care how smart you are or how good you are in court.
Craig's Boss: If I don't have you seven days a week,
Craig's Boss: I don't want you at all
Craig's Boss: Lifeguard or lawyer make a decision... by tomorrow.
Allison (as Craig): Must not... blink. Have to... make career decision
(Intense Music)
Allison (as alarm blares in scene):Better sound off the alarm! Craig is having a crisis of faith
Allison: Doesn't he know Mitch died for our sins?
Craig: Dreyfuss dropped the big one
Gina: Lifeguard-ing or lawyer-ing
Craig (offscreen): yeah
Gina: fun or money?
Allison: So people are under the impression that lifeguarding is not a hot, sweaty,
Allison: Life-threatening job that pays peanuts to people who are constantly saving lives?
Allison: I'm not saying Baywatch is in any way realistic but, come on, this debate is contrived at best
Craig: It's the thing is that I like do it
Craig: I love doing it, and I love law so why do you have to give up one to have the other?
Mitch: I don't think that you do
Allison: Gina suggests that he gets a wicked awesome Fanny pack
Allison: But also that he quits his job at the firm takes only the cases he wants
Allison: thus freeing up his time to stare endlessly into the abyss.
(Intense Music)
Gina: Best of all you never have to leave the beach... or me
Craig: Oh yeah
Craig: I love the beach
Allison: Ha I'm glad these two are gonna be married forever
Allison: Ahh, season one, back when they tried to sell us a diverse, goofy group of characters back at Baywatch
Allison: Headquarters look at all the different body types and personalities. It's like Baywatch Bizarro world
Sid: Yes, sir, lieutenant, sir.
Mitch: Don't call me lieutenant, and especially don't call me sir
Sid: You got it, babe.
Allison (as Mitch): That's Mr. Babe to you!
Allison: And for this episode's amazing extra segment
Allison: We have this guy:
Allison: Look at his hair, just look at it.
Allison (intensely): Look at it!
Allison: also points for this guy carrying a giant inflatable killer whale
Steve:I'm gonna give old hobie hear in education and body surfing you want to come?
Mike: No, I'd rather hang out at the pier
Allison: Oh, you mean:
Allison (as Mike): I look forward to a long happy life, Dad
Allison: So this "Peanuts"-looking kid decides to come over and make small talk with Mike.
Allison: Shit you not his name is actually Ricky Blount [pronounced "Blunt"].
Rickie Blunt: I bet everybody calls you mikey. You look like a Mikey
Mikey: Yeah, you look like a jerk.
Allison: They're already thick as thieves. Time for a "kids getting into trouble" montage! The little scamps!
Allison: People in life-threatening situations are fun!
Allison: Join me, audience.
Allison: All right. So not only did Baywatch season 1 seem to think we love children
Allison: But this episode doesn't even focus on Hobie or his friends
Allison: It's just two random shits that are only tangentially related to anyone on the show
Allison: Do we care what happens to them?
Allison: Not that it would have saved it, but you could have at least made the plot about Mitch's son
Allison: Hell, you could have made it about Eddie, even, and the plot would have remained the same.
Allison (as Eddie): I'm not a loser, let's get into trouble!
Allison (as Eddie): Ow! A bug flew in my eye. Looks like I learned my lesson
Allison (as Mitch): shut up Eddie
(Allison whines as Eddie)
Allison: On an unrelated note, this montage is giving me serious "Cool as Ice" flashbacks
Allison: So it puts the episode slightly more in my favor.
Allison: The two idiots decide to go exploring in a drainage canal and end up locked in
Allison (sarcastically): oh no
Allison: So the beach is so crowded traffic is backed up for hours,
Allison: but not so crowded that anyone will hear them calling for help. Gotcha
Allison: They end up crawling down a storm drain and getting stuck down there
Allison: But who will we watch in adorably mischievous montages for the remainder of the episode?
Allison: Aw man, I was just saying how I wanted to feel like I was in a daycare
Allison: while watching my crappy Beach programs, and Baywatch delivers a whole slew of annoying children.
Allison: But it's not Christmas anymore!
Jill: Does this kid have a name?
Jill: Spider-Man?
Mitch: Excuse me, excuse me. Let go of me, will ya?
Jill: No, I'm kidding
Allison: Wait, someone was reporting a missing child named Spiderman?
Allison: What the hell's the story there? Who cares about the storm drain thing?
Mitch: Sure, ah!?
Annoying Kid #399: Got you
Allison (as Mitch): Little shit, I'll kill you
Allison (as Eddie): Ah, if she's looking for a man with the physique of a 12-year-old boy.
Allison (as Eddie): I'm so gonna score tonight
Allison (as Eddie): Now I have to change my shorts
Allison: Seriously guys. This is creepy. This is Eddie's sole subplot here:
Allison: undressing this woman with his eyes for his whole shift.
Allison: Ten people have drowned by now!
Allison: So Steve is panicking looking for his son,
Allison: ending up causing a slight misunderstanding when he grabs a random kid thinking it's him
Allison: I was wondering if we get some poor excuse for action!
Allison (as Trevor): Oi time to spread some incompetence
Allison (as Eddie): Me first! Ow I stepped on a toy!
Allison (as Eddie): Hot sand, hot sand, hot sand!
Allison: Great news! You get to watch all of the action through crystal-clear water bespeckled lenses.
Craig: Eddie, you alright? What happened?
Eddie: Yeah, it was just a difference of opinion
Allison (as Eddie): Child kidnapping is just a difference of opinion
Allison (as Eddie): I tried to get kidnapped as a child, but they all ran away. Why won't someone adopt me
(Fart noise)
Allison: Mitch's discovered that Steve is on the run because after his divorce, he kidnapped Mike.
Allison: As a lawyer, Craig has the know-how to weigh in on the situation
Craig: We're on pretty Shaky legal ground here, Mitch. We got to get the police in here.
Steve: She gets custody. I get one weekend a month
Steve: It isn't fair, just isn't fair
Allison (as Mitch): What a nerd
Allison (as Craig): Yeah, what a nerd
Allison (as Mitch): Let's go have a barbecue, come on.
(Allison laughs as Mitch and Craig)
Allison: Okay, but really: the actual thing they go with is dumber than my joke
Allison: they decide to find Mike first and worry about the legal stuff later.
Allison: So Mitch sends out the junior lifeguards to go looking for him.
Allison: the honest-to-God instructions he gives them is to go everywhere they've ever been told not to go
Allison: Just to make this clear:
Allison: There is a heat wave currently over a hundred degrees
Allison: We've heard reports throughout the episode of multiple heat strokes, plus over a hundred rescues
Allison: Plus headquarters is full to capacity with children that have gotten lost over the day
Allison: And they're sending a bunch of kids out there to go everywhere they aren't supposed to go
Allison: without any supervision whatsoever, which would be dangerous even under normal circumstances.
Allison: This includes filthy, rusty recycling cans
Allison: Rooftops,
Allison: and adult bookstores.
Allison: As Craig would say: you are facing a massive lawsuit, pal.
Hobie: The only other place I can think of is the drainage canal.
Hobie: You haven't seen anybody there, have you?
Shauni: Just a couple of maintenance guys, but they're the only ones allowed in there
Allison: Well, then if they're the only ones allowed, I guess no one needs to check
Shauni: I forgot everything we learned
Allison: Hobie puts two and two together and they figure
Allison: the tide probably drew the kids back towards storm drain.
Allison (as Mitch): What are you doing? This drain is filthy, get your butts off it.
Allison: But, really, the kids didn't think to try and call for help? Well, alright
Allison: I guess it didn't make much of a difference earlier. It's so crowded!
(Mike and Ricky Blunt call for help)
Allison (as Mitch): Take the burger, children. It'll sustain you.
Craig: We're never gonna get a rope to 'em.
Allison (as Craig): We'd have to find a really long rope, and that'd be hard.
Mitch: Hobie, you stay here. You keep them calm. I'll radio for backup.
Hobie: Alright.
Allison (as Hobie): Hey, chances are likely you're gonna die horrible death!
Allison: Mitch and Craig try to go in a different way,
Allison: discussing life stuff while stepping through garbage.
Mitch: Can't stop thinking about Steve and-
Craig: Whether or not you do what he did if you lost custody of Hobie?
Mitch: Yeah
Craig: I know
Mitch: It'd scare the hell outta me.
Mitch: Oh god, what's that?
(Sounds of disgust)
Allison: Craig brings up his dilemma with being a lawyer and being a lifeguard
Allison: and Mitch says he'll take away his locker if he quits, which seems to offend him.
Allison: I'm not actually exaggerating anything here: this really seems to be a turning point for Craig's decision.
Jill: What are you doing?
Firefighter: We got to get 'em out of there somehow.
Jill: That'll rain hot metal on those kids
Jill: Yank the grate out!
Allison: As a lifeguard, she is far more qualified than this stupid firefighter in all rescue situations
Allison: The kids are still technically in the water, and that's their domain
Firefighter: Going in with the blowtorch
Allison (as firefighter): well that thing didn't work after one try. We can't possibly lift a slab of concrete
Allison (as firefighter): Time to endanger the children again!
Allison: It doesn't seem to be hurting them anyway, so...
Allison: Wait, so the entire rescue team of firefighters, police, paramedics, and lifeguards
Allison: can't figure out how to pull a grate out
Allison: But Mitch can just smash one down with this plastic lifeguard can
Allison: and a swift kick of his powerful, feminine legs?
One of many, many kids in this episode, give me a break guys: I did it!
(Crowd cheers)
Allison: Yeah, dumb firefighters
Allison: Oh, I guess they figured out how to get the grate off off-screen anyway.
Allison: Mitch and Craig going in there was entirely pointless
Steve: Let's go give your mom a call, okay?
Steve: It's time to go home
Mitch: Looks like you're out of a job, huh?
Private Detective as of yet unseen in this review: Yeah
Allison: Aw, I guess that private investigator won't take him to jail after all
Allison: because calling the mom means he didn't do anything illegal in the first place.
Allison: kidnapping charges dismissed and burgers for everybody!
Craig: You should've seen Mitch today; he was a regular hero
Allison (as Craig): And I, nor anyone else of course, did nothing.
Allison (as Craig): Cheers to Mitch, the sole lifeguard on this beach
Allison (as Craig): Hip-hip-Hooray
Allison (as Mitch): Hey buddy, you told her I was a hero today, right?
Allison: But, wait! Can't we see the conclusion of Eddie's creeper storyline?
Eddie: you were my best customer today
Eddie: And I'd like to invite you to dinner
Trevor: She's busy.
Best "Customer": Hi, Trevor, I thought you'd never get here
Allison (as Eddie): Damn it, she's worse than my foster family!
Allison: Next time on Baywatch: David Spade!
Allison: Also, Eddie surprisingly gets into trouble. Can Trevor learn Eddie's lesson?