- HERE I AM IN MY DRESSING ROOM
WITH ONE OF MY FAVORITE GUESTS.
LOOK AT WHO'S HERE.
DENNIS QUAID IS HERE. - DENNIS QUAID IS HERE.
- DENNIS QUAID IS HERE. - IS HERE.
- WHAT I LOVE ABOUT DENNIS IS,
WHENEVER I TELL HIM TO DO SOMETHING ON THE SHOW,
HE'LL GO, "OKAY, I'LL DO IT."
- OKAY, I'LL DO IT. - YEAH.
DENNIS QUAID DOES WHATEVER I SAY.
- DENNIS QUAID DOES WHATEVER YOU SAY.
- AND HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A LITTLE EARPIECE
IN HIS EAR RIGHT NOW.
YOU'RE JUST SAYING WHATEVER I SAY NOW.
- I'M DOING WHATEVER YOU SAY NOW, BECAUSE YOU'RE HERE.
- YEAH.
WELL, LISTEN, HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.
BECAUSE HE'S ALWAYS SUCH A GOOD SPORT,
I AM NOW GONNA WALK OUT--
I DON'T HAVE A MONOLOGUE.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN,
BUT I'M GONNA PUT ONE OF THOSE LITTLE EAR THINGS
INSIDE OF MY EAR,
AND THEN DENNIS QUAID IS GONNA--
- I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHAT TO SAY.
- RIGHT, AND SO THE AUDIENCE DOESN'T KNOW IT.
YOU KNOW IT, BECAUSE YOU'RE WATCHING,
BUT THE AUDIENCE HAS NO IDEA WHAT I'M--
- IT'S SORT OF LIKE THAT PLAY "TRUE WEST,"
WHERE YOU SWITCH THE PARTS.
- RIGHT. - THE BROTHERS SWITCH THE PARTS.
THAT'S YOU AND I.
- YEAH, ME AND YOU DOING IT.
WE'LL KEEP TRYING TO FIND NEW WAYS TO DO IT.
I LIKE BEING WITH DENNIS QUAID.
- I LIKE BEING WITH DENNIS QUAID TOO.
- [laughs] ALL RIGHT.
SO WE'LL SEE HOW THIS GOES.
THANKS FOR BEING HERE, EVERYBODY.
[Dennis] - ELLEN DEGENERES IS HERE!
- ELLEN DEGENERES IS HERE!
- YES! AND CLAP YOUR HANDS!
[cheers and applause]
SO, YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I SAID THIS...
- YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I SAID THIS...
- BUT... - BUT...
- CA-CA-CA-CA-CA-CA.
- CA-CA-CA-CA-CA-CA!
- I'M NOT DONE. NO, NO, I'M NOT DONE.
- I'M NOT DONE.
- KABOOM! - BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.
- KA-CHICKY, CHICKY BOOM.
- CHICKY, CHICKY, CHICKY BOOM.
- AND ONE MORE KA!
- AND ONE MORE KA-KA!
- I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE ALL HERE!
- I'M--REALLY, I'M SO GLAD Y'ALL ARE HERE.
- IS ANYONE HERE FROM OUT OF TOWN?
- ANYONE FROM OUT OF TOWN?
[cheers]
- IS ANYONE FROM NEW YORK?
- ANYONE FROM NEW YORK?
[cheers]
- HOW ABOUT LAKE TITICACA?
- LAKE TITICACA, ANYBODY?
- HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.
- LATER IN THE SHOW, I'M GONNA SHOW YOU
SOME OF MY AUDIENCE'S HIDDEN TALENTS.
- LATER IN THE SHOW, I'M GONNA SHOW YOU
SOME OF MY AUDIENCE'S HIDDEN TALENTS.
- BUT RIGHT NOW I THOUGHT I'D...
both: SHOW YOU SOME OF MY HIDDEN TALENTS.
- ALL RIGHT?
[cheers and applause]
ALL RIGHT. - WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?
- SO...
- DID YOU KNOW THAT I CAN STICK MY TONGUE OUT...
- STICK YOUR TONGUE OUT.
THAT'S ONLY HALFWAY. STICK IT OUT FURTHER.
STICK IT OUT FURTHER, FURTHER, FURTHER, FURTHER.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
- I CAN STICK MY TONGUE OUT.
- I CAN PRETEND LIKE I'M ON A BALANCE BEAM.
- I CAN ALSO--I CAN PRETEND LIKE I'M ON A BALANCE BEAM.
- WALK ON A BALANCE BEAM NOW.
- WATCH THIS. WATCH THIS.
- ALMOST FALL OFF.
- WHOA!
NO, NO. AND THEN I GET BACK ON.
- YEAH.
- I CAN DO IMPRESSIONS TOO.
- I CAN DO IMPRESSIONS ALSO.
[cheers and applause] OKAY, THANKS.
- I-I-I-I-I CAN DO AN OSTRICH.
- I CAN DO AN OSTRICH.
- YEAH, CLUCK LIKE A CHICKEN.
[clucking]
- [clucking] THEY'RE VERY SIMILAR TO CHICKENS.
[both groaning]
- SHAKE YOUR TAIL FEATHER.
[both groaning]
[cheers and applause]
- HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
- THANKS.
- HERE'S ANOTHER ONE. GUESS WHO THIS IS.
- HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
- YEAH, I WANT YOU TO LAUGH LIKE FRAN DRESCHER.
- THIS IS AN IMPRESSION OF FRAN DRESCHER LAUGHING.
[obnoxious laughter]
- ACTUALLY THAT'S MY FRIEND WENDY.
- THAT'S ACTUALLY FROM MY FRIEND WENDY.
- SHE SOUNDS A LOT LIKE FRAN DRESCHER.
- BUT THERE IS A DIFFERENCE. - BUT THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
IT'S SUBTLE, BUT...
- THIS IS WENDY. - THIS IS WENDY.
[both laughing obnoxiously]
- AND THIS IS FRAN DRESCHER.
[both laughing obnoxiously]
- I CAN TALK LIKE A ROBOT TOO.
- TALK LIKE A ROBOT. GO AHEAD.
- [monotone] I CAN TALK LIKE A ROBOT.
YOU WOULD NOT KNOW I AM HUMAN.
- OH, NO. - THANK YOU.
[cheers and applause]
- BLEEP, BLEEP.
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I CAN DO?
- YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I CAN DO?
- I CAN SING. - I CAN SING.
- WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR ME SING?
- YEAH, WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR ME SING?
- OH, YAY.
HERE WE GO. - OKAY, HERE WE GO.
- [singing] OH
OKLAHOMA, WHERE THE WIND BLOWS
- [singing] OKLAHOMA, WHERE THE WIND BLOWS
[both singing indistinctly]
DON'T KNOW THE WORDS.
- TAKE THAT, CELINE DION.
- I DON'T KNOW THE WORDS, BUT I KNOW THE BEGINNING.
I JUST-- [singing] OKLAHOMA.
THAT'S ALL I DO.
- NOW LET'S SING ANOTHER SONG.
- A SONG THAT I WROTE. - THIS IS A SONG THAT I WROTE.
- [singing] I'M A LITTLE FISHY
- [singing] LITTLE FISHY
- A TEENY, TINY FISHY.
- I'M A TEENY, TINY FISHY.
- ITTY-BITTY, TEENY LITTLE FISHY.
- LITTLE FISHY.
[cheers and applause]
- NOW...
NOW, I'M GONNA PUT ALL OF MY TALENTS TOGETHER,
AND I'M GONNA PRETEND LIKE I'M ON A BALANCE BEAM,
WHILE I'M ACTING LIKE AN OSTRICH...
- OKAY, NOW I'M GONNA PUT ALL MY TALENTS TOGETHER,
AND I'M GONNA PRETEND LIKE I'M AN OSTRICH ON A BALANCE BEAM
WHILE I'M...
- TALKING LIKE A ROBOT.
- AND TALKING LIKE A ROBOT.
- WITH MY TONGUE STICKING OUT.
THAT'S WHAT THIS HAS BEEN BUILDING UP TO.
- THAT'S...
- [groaning]
[singing] OKLAHOMA
[groaning] OKLAHOMA
[cheers and applause]
THANKS A LOT. - THAT'S MY HIDDEN SECRETS.
- THANK YOU.
- THOSE ARE MY HIDDEN SECRETS.
DO YOU LIKE MY SECRETS?
- WHAT'S THAT?
- DO YOU LIKE MY SECRETS?
- I THOUGHT SOMEONE SAID SOMETHING.
DO YOU WANT TO KNOW MY SECRETS?
- CAN I TELL YOU A SECRET?
all: YES. - OKAY.
- BUT I HAVE TO SHOW IT TO YOU, SO FOLLOW ME.
AREN'T YOU SO GLAD?
- OKAY, SO FOLLOW ME.
HERE'S THE SECRET, OKAY?
OKAY, EVERYBODY FOLLOW ME.
- I AM THE GREAT AND ALL-POWERFUL DENNIS QUAID.
- HE'S BEEN IN MY EAR THE WHOLE TIME.