(upbeat groove music)
- The world was different back then.
(audience laughs)
Corona was a beer.
(audience laughs)
Harry was a prince.
(audience laughs)
Nobody was singing about having a wet-arse pussy.
(audience laughs)
I love that song.
I love it.
It was the biggest selling record during a global pandemic.
(audience laughs)
How confused are future generations gonna be?
(audience laughs)
Cause think about it?
The bubonic plague.
What was the song?
"A tissue, a tissue. (audience laughs)
We all fall down."
COVID? "Spit in my mouth. Look in my eye.
This pussy wet, come take a dive".
(audience laughs and applauds)
They're gonna be baffled.
"Hang on.
So people were dying,
and you were singing about having drizzly growlers?"
(audience laughs)
That's right.
Any other questions?
"Yeah.
Who's Carole Baskin?"
Well. (audience laughs)
That's complicated.
"What's an Anti-Vaxer?"
Ooh. That's the name we gave to all the people that died.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds and cheers)
That will split a crowd.
(audience laughs)
Between fans of science and Facebook.
(audience laughs)
"I believe in God over the vaccine."
That's handy. You're about to meet him, you thick fuck.
(audience laughs)
It's exhausting innit?
So many Anti-Vaxers in this country.
Most of them are my cousins.
(audience laughs)
"I'm not sure about the vaccine."
You took ketamine at my wedding!
(audience laughs)
"Bill Gates wants to read my mind."
You've got no GCSE's!
(audience laughs)
My auntie's against it.
"It's full of chemicals."
So's your face.
(audience laughs)
She's had so much Botox,
every time she winks, her leg goes like this.
(audience laughs)
Why would you believe what you read on Facebook?
Facebook is a kaleidoscope of mania and bullshit.
There was an article I saw the other day,
that genuinely said,
"Are hackers secretly controlling our hot tubs?"
(audience laughs)
No one's worried about that.
Even the poshest couple here tonight.
"I can't sleep, Roger."
(audience laughs)
"It's the jacuzzi."
(audience laughs)
"We're being hacked."
"It's the fucking Russians, Roger."
(audience laughs)
Like there's some operative in Moscow.
"Shall we destabilize their economy?"
"No!"
(audience laughs)
"Let's make the outside bath less bubbly than they desire."
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds and cheers)
- "Stay home."
"How long?"
"I don't know."
"Monthses, I think?"
(audience laughs)
"How many monthses?"
"Just monthses bro, I don't know."
(audience laughs)
"It's going to be monthses."
"Well how many monthses?"
"We don't know." (audience laughs)
"You're supposed to know."
"I know."
(audience laughs)
"But we don't know."
"It's monthses. Just stay home."
"Well, I have to go to work."
"Fuck your job", they said.
(audience laughs)
"Fuck your job."
"What do you mean? Fuck my job.
I don't have to pay rent?"
"Whoa, hold on. Take it easy.
(audience laughs) Not happening, take it easy.
Oh you still have to pay your rent"
"So hold on.
But then I have to go to..."
"Well, send me money. You know what?
Just send me money."
"No. Whoa, what are you a crack head, bro?"
(audience laughs)
"We can't send you money. If, if...
What are you talking about?
We can't send you..."
"Why are you stuttering a lot, bro?
Just send me this money."
"We, we, we don't have any money, okay.
(audience laughs)
We don't have any."
"What are you talking about?
We send you money bro. That's how this works.
Okay?
We send you money,
and you allocate it for different buckets, right?
You got Social security,
you have Medicare, Medicaid.
There's a lot of buckets,
and I'm sure you have a rainy day fund.
Bro, you got to have a rainy day fund,
and it's pouring outside.
Fucking full blown hurricane season.
Seven hurricanes hitting at the same time.
Send me some fucking money!"
"I have a confession. We're broke, okay."
"What do you mean, you're broke?
You're the federal Government."
"(laughs) I know. I know." (audience laughs)
"We're in debt, okay." (audience laughs)
We're in debt. I...
Credit cards. Just a lot of,
It's debt. Okay." (audience laughs)
"How much debt?"
"We're just minus. Okay." (audience laughs)
"I know what that means, bro.
Just how much minus?"
"It's a lot of minuses." (audience laughs)
"So much minus, it's a lot of minus."
"Just spit it out.
How much is it?"
"$20 trillion."
(audience laughs)
"$20 trillion?" (audience laughs)
"Who's balancing this checkbook?"
(audience laughs)
"MC Hammer? Who's managing this whole situation?"
(audience laughs)
"How did you get $20 trillion, minus?"
"Killing brown people, so expensive."
(audience groans and laughs)
"Oh. It's so expensive."
(audience laughs)
"Just so much, so as you can see, we can't send you money.
If we're minus, overdraft fees are piling up."
(audience laughs)
"We can't send you out of minus.
What Kyle?
The stock market's going to fail? Holy shit, Kyle.
Heat up the printer, heat up the fucking printer.
Make $3 trillion appear,
and let's funnel it into the Ponzi scheme
that is the stock market.
(audience laughs)
"Because the stock market is a direct reflection
of American hearts everywhere.
If the arrow's going down,
that means hearts and souls of Americans everywhere
is also going down.
But look, it's working.
It's going up! Americans are happy again.
It's going up. (audience laughs)
It's skyrocketing."
"Wait, wait, wait.
How the fuck is it skyrocketing?
We're all at home. (audience laughs)
What?
(audience applauds and cheers)
How is this thing going on?
I thought it was all based off of revenue streams,
and quarterly earnings,
and nobody's working.
I get Amazon.
Shit. (audience laughs)
Everybody's at home, ordering this shit.
It should be skyrocketing.
Well fuck you Jeff Bezos and thank you Jeff Bezos,
all at the same time. (audience laughs)
Like but how is it still going up, bro?
I thought this is all based off of money coming in.
Everybody's at home."
"Look man. Shut the fuck up, okay.
Just look at the arrow. (audience laughs)
God, can't you to shut your mouth,
and just be happy that the arrow's going up?"
"No, I can't bro.
We need money."
"Look. Here's $1,200 hush money.
Shut the fuck up."
(audience applauds and cheers)
"Thank you. That'll last me a week. I appreciate that.
Stop trying to distract me.
How the fuck is this arrow going up though?
For real.
Homelessness is at all time high."
"Look aliens are real, chew on that for a little bit."
(audience laughs) "What?
You talk to them?"
"Yeah bro. All the time, it's crazy.
(audience laughs)
Just look at the arrow."
"No. Still.
Like so many unemployed.
50 million people, unemployed.
How the is the arrow going up bro?"
"Look. Jada cheated on Will Smith.
Chew on that for a little bit."
(audience laughs) "What?
Why Jada, why?
(audience laughs)
What happened?"
"Something about entanglements,
(audience laughs) I dunno, it's crazy.
Just look at the arrow.
Just look at the fucking arrow."
"No for real. Stop trying to distract me, bro.
How is this arrow still going up?
Okay. Please explain yourself."
"Look. I got a hot tip for you, okay.
Crypto currency." (audience laughs)
"What the fuck is crypto currency?"
"It's these little people inside of a computer,
and they're just mining.
They're just mining, (audience laughs)
for these digital coins. Okay?
What you do is you move the real fake money
over to the,
(audience laughs)
over to the more real fake money,
and what you do is, you just move.
Once you have more real fake money,
you move your real fake money over here,
and you just keep doing that."
"I'm so confused."
"Hey man, I got another hot tip for you.
NFTs." (audience laughs)
"What the fuck is an NFT?"
(audience applauds and cheers)
"It's a blockchain of ownership."
"You know what?
I'm just going to put a plastic bag over my head.
Fuck this shit."
(audience laughs)
- I took that COVID serious,
I stayed in the house for the first three months.
I didn't go nowhere.
I didn't protest.
I didn't even loot.
(audience laughs)
I really needed some shit too,
I didn't loot. (audience laughs)
I really fucking wanted to be a part of that.
I did not loot.
That's embarrassing,
I got to tell my grandkids about that shit.
The greatest time to be alive as a black man,
I didn't fucking get in on it.
(audience laughs)
Imagine you ask your grandfather,
"Hey, what was it like to march in Selma?"
and he's like, "Well actually,
there was a real nasty flu that summer, so...
(audience laughs)
I stayed home because of germs."
(audience laughs)
My grandpa was a bitch-ass nigga, man.
(audience laughs)
Fucking coon.
(audience laughs)
I had to watch all the looting and protesting on TV.
It was dope too, man.
I've never been prouder to be a black man.
I'm serious man.
Watching black people come together and tear shit up.
That shit was a sight to see. I was proud.
(audience applauds and cheers)
I was calling all my white friends,
"Colin, you know what it is."
Hanging up on him.
(audience laughs)
I was showing off, man. I was excited.
I was so excited. I was so proud,
up until January 6th. (audience boos)
When they stormed that Capitol.
And I saw how real niggas loot.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds and cheers)
That was a frenzy. Holy shit.
(audience applauds)
Say what you will,
but that was some good fucking looting, goddamn.
(audience laughs)
Black people did okay, we were stealing from like,
you know, from Target.
(audience laughs)
You got some Gucci belts.
These motherfuckers tried to steal the constitution.
(audience laughs)
of the United States of America.
(audience applauds and cheers)
I didn't know that shit was up for grabs.
(audience laughs)
I was watching that shit on TV, I was like,
"Fuck. Can we get another go?
Let's get another go." (audience laughs)
It was like watching Supermarket Sweep,
and motherfucker goes straight for the caviar.
(audience laughs) You're like,
Ah, this nigga is genius.
(audience laughs)
All types of racist white groups,
I'd never heard of,
I was watching that shit,
it was roll calling, "The Proud boys are coming."
The Proud boys?
(audience laughs)
Boogaloo Niggas, who the fuck are the Boogaloo Niggas?
(audience laughs)
Why these motherfuckers dressed like vikings?
What happened to sheets? I thought they wore sheets?
(audience laughs)
Y'all too good for sheets now, you're vikings?
(audience laughs)
I was embarrassed dude.
I was like, fuck, I gotta start protesting.
We're not as far ahead As I thought.
(audience laughs)
I went to a Black Lives Matter rally,
right after that, to support.
But I must've gone too late.
(audience laughs)
It was all white women.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds and cheers)
Holy shit.
You ever end up at a whites only Black Lives Matter rally?
This shit is confusing.
(audience laughs)
You gotta prepare people for that shit.
(audience laughs)
They had signs, "Stop Racism."
I was like, "who are you talking to?"
(audience laughs)
"Each other?"
"Just call your fucking dad."
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds and cheers)
- But I am horny.
(audience laughs)
And I got to critical levels last year.
It was bad. (audience laughs)
It was a code red.
And I was trying to figure out how to fuck safely.
I was like,
"Ooh. I make these dudes wear a mask."
No, that's not cute. That's not sexy.
I was like, "Ooh. So I'll fuck somebody I know."
So I was going through the Rolodex, the Dick-o-dex,
(audience laughs)
and I matched with this dude, all right.
I texted this dude I match with on Bumble,
who's also like a friend,
and I texted him. I said,
"Hey, you wanna meet me at a glory hole?"
(audience laughs)
And he said, "No."
(audience laughs)
And then he followed it up with,
"I'm actually dating somebody.
Do you want to do my podcast?"
(audience groans)
That second part,
it hurt worse than the first part.
(audience laughs)
Oh wait, does everybody here know what a glory hole is?
(audience applauds and cheers)
I feel like there's some shy people.
Get involved, I'll tell you.
Okay. So like a traditional glory hole,
a classic, if you will-
(audience laughs)
It's a wall with a hole cutout,
and you put your dick in there and you're like a Senator,
and- (audience laughs)
(audience applauds and cheers)
A very cute twink is on the other side,
who kind of looks like you, and-
(audience laughs)
they're on the other side, on their knees,
being like, "Yum-Yum! (audience laughs)
Choo-Choo! My tummy full."
(audience laughs)
So that's a glory hole.
And I've been Googling like glory holes for ladies,
'Cause it's like a very masculine thing.
I'm like, "Where are the glory holes for the ladies?"
(audience laughs)
Are there glory holes for ladies here in New York City?
- [Audience Member] Probably.
- Probably?
That's not a yes.
(audience laughs)
Truly. I have been Googling it so much,
my FBI agent is like, "Is she okay?"
Not I am not.
(audience laughs)
No, no, no, no.
Very, very, very fucking horny.
(audience laughs)
Also what a good late night commercial,
like "You've heard of glory holes,
introducing glory holes for ladies."
(audience laughs)
But I can't find any here,
in the good old US of A.
But I did find some glory holes in Germany.
(audience laughs)
So I'm going on a vacation!
(audience cheers)
And the way they do it in Germany,
is a lady lays on a table,
and there's like a wall that cuts her in half,
and then her pussy is just like out for the taking.
(audience laughs)
And all I could think was,
"What if nobody chooses me?"
- [Audience] Aw.
- What if I don't feel slurp-slurp, suck-suck?
(audience laughs)
What if the only thing I feel is the wind on my bald pussy?
(audience laughs)
That is a level of rejection that I am not ready for, okay?
(audience laughs)
Something else I learned during the pandemie,
is you can order a singular bottle of ranch to your door.
(audience laughs)
but it will cost you $20.
(audience laughs)
So I'm vegan. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
She's a hero. It's my cross to bear.
(audience laughs) Thank you.
And I was making some vegan chik'n nuggets.
You know, chik'n nuggets, vegan chik'n nuggets.
(audience laughs)
How come all vegan food has Ks and apostrophes,
where they don't belong?
(audience laughs)
They're like "It's chik'n, not chicken,
it's chik'n, it's chik'n, it's chik'n!"
(audience laughs)
So I was making my little vegan chik'n nuggets.
And I am a vegan. Okay.
Before you have doubt, I'm a vegan, right?
Except for eggs, um,
(audience laughs)
sometimes Kraft ranch dressing,
and sometimes a rib or two.
Okay, maybe I am not a vegan,
but the important thing is I identify as a vegan.
(audience laughs)
Okay, I'm like the Rachel Dolezal of veganism, all right.
(audience laughs)
So me and my little vegan chik'n nuggets,
and I wanted some ranch,
so I hopped onto Postmates,
and I ordered my ranch,
and I was waiting for it to come to my door. "Ding dong."
It comes.
I opened the door and there's just a loose bottle of ranch.
(audience laughs)
No bag, no nothing.
(audience laughs)
I mean, for $20 you could at least give me a bag,
or tickle my clit, you know.
(audience laughs)
Imagine there's a button, like, "Tip or tickle".
(audience laughs)
And I couldn't help but think about it,
from the Postmates perspective, you know.
They're working through the pandemie,
they're like, "I am delivering the essentials.
I am doing the Lord's work."
Bee-bop-boop. "One singular bottle of ranch?
(audience laughs)
This bitch wants me to risk my life for some sauce?
(audience laughs)
No. I'm not giving her a bag, no way. No how, no.
Make her neighbor thinks she's ordering essentials?
No!
(audience laughs)
Fuck that bitch."