- Today I'm going to be playing Drink-
Drink Daddy? (laughs)
- You've had one sip.
(piano music)
- Today I'm gonna be playing Dream Daddy
while drinking wine at work because I'm single as (beep).
- Hit me up.
I feel like I'm on The Bachelor.
- You know, I could look at this as a depressing thing.
(gentle music)
Cheers.
- I think I've learned a thing or two in my dating life-
No I haven't.
Let's just do this.
- Dream Daddy, here we go.
Let's find me a man.
- Dad, wake up.
Is this my daughter?
- She says "Dad."
Dad's me.
- I'm gonna pretend to be dead.
Sorry Amanda, this is the end for me.
Yeah, I would be a fun dad.
Kyle's a dad.
- (game vocals) Build That Dad!
- I get to build my dad.
Who is my inner daddy?
- Do I wanna be realistic with my body here, or...
My dream body that will attract the most daddies.
- I love this!
I used to do this on barbie.com.
Ooo, I love this hair.
I think I'm just making who I would date.
- He looks very basic.
Which I guess I am as well.
Wine break!
- Lookin' good, Daddy!
- Daddy Kelsey!
Actually, Kelsey can be a male name too.
I'm gonna name him Kelsey.
Impicciche!
That's not how you pronounce my last name.
Be that dad!
- I'm that dad.
I'm already feeling this wine.
- Looking into the box, I see a bunch of
old photos in little photo albums.
She is an adorable baby.
I want a kid.
- I would say... I was a gay dad, yes.
I think I've always been into men.
- So we're just looking at photos.
I wanna get to the dads.
- I stare at the picture for longer.
Maybe too long.
I miss him-
I miss him; he's really cute!
- Okay, get to the Craig.
- (speaking very quickly)
- No!
- You can't go after Craig.
- Yeah, I can.
- He's the guy who dumped you.
- You're a good friend, dude.
Did he just tell us we're just a good friend?
- It's like going back to your ex.
- This is a different guy.
- It's a good loophole.
- So we just moved into a new neighborhood
and we're gonna go see what kind of daddies are around.
(laughs)
My daughter Amanda is a beautiful child.
She has my eyes.
I think she wants me to date more.
Cheers to you, Amanda.
You can't drink yet.
Can she?
How old is she? No.
I don't even know my daughter's age.
- A visitor! I walk over to the door and open it.
I assume this will be a daddy.
A handsome, clean-cut man stands at my door.
A little bit too handsome.
- Ugh, preppy dad is up in my business.
We look the same.
Hi, I know it's kinda late,
but I baked way too many cookies and-
Get out.
- He looks a little pretentious.
I'll take your cookies but you can leave, sir.
- Where are my manners?
My name is Joseph.
Also my father's name, so we can't date.
Does anyone else have that rule where
you can not date a person who has the same name
as someone you're related to?
Do you do that?
- No, that's never good. - Do you have a sibling?
- Yeah. - A female sibling?
- Yeah...
Ohhh!
- Would you date a girl with her name?
No, right?
- Well, my sister's name is Katelyn and I'm dating a Katie.
- (laughs) You are!
- But you don't call her Katie.
- If I had met someone named Katelyn,
I'd be like 'No, sorry.'
- Right?
- I don't usually go for blonds,
but he has a nice body,
so I'll listen to him.
I have four kids.
Whoa, Joseph.
- Awkward moment.
I mentioned that more than one kid is too many,
and he's like, 'I have four.'
Typical.
Tumbling over my words.
This is like me on most dates.
- I'm sorry, can you close the door real quick?
Whoa, Joseph, that's a little bit forward of you.
I look at Joseph quizzically but comply.
After a second, I hear a knock on the door.
- This better be another daddy at my door.
- Hey, I'm your neighbor, Jo-
What?
I promise to not talk about-
Oh, he reintroduced himself.
That's cute.
Raising a kid on your own can't be easy.
If you ever need to talk about...
stuff...
I'm the youth minister at a church.
Ew, gross, no thank you.
- He was not my dream daddy.
So now we're going to a coffee shop.
Dad-
Don't 'dad' me, Amanda.
Ooh, I'm feeling this.
I'm a lightweight. (laughs)
I'm so single!
I just wanna find some daddies.
(saxophone music)
Yes.
It's getting really hot in here.
I feel like I'm like a housewife. (laughs)
Yes, come here, my husband's not...
In right now.
So what'll it be?
I scan the chalkboard menu and am immediately overwhelmed.
Same, girl.
Let's do a black coffee.
A classic.
Yes! We got the hearts!
What does that mean: we're gonna get married?
It's clear that there's some sexual tension.
(sighs)
This guy is tall...
He's... (laughs)
Sorry, whoa, I went into another dimension right there.
(laughing)
He looks like he could handle someone like me,
who is also tall and thick.
Mat sets our drinks down at our table-
This sounds like an erotic fiction or something.
You oughta come by when my daughter's in-
He has a daughter too?
Yeah, I'm sure we'll maybe come in from time to time.
No, Theo.
We're gonna be here every day.
Across the way, a man catches my eye.
He sits by himself, brooding over a cup of coffee.
Our eyes meet, just for a moment.
I hastily look away,
hoping he didn't catch me staring.
Who is that?
We finish up our drinks and head out.
- We walk for a while and eventually end up at a small park.
Toddlers chase each other through the playground
and dogs of all shapes and sizes romp through the grass.
- Heads up!
Ooh, a new daddy's coming.
Ow, I actually feel like I felt that.
A frisbee suddenly hits me in the face.
Woof!
Oh, woof!
A corgi with a neat plaid handkerchief
tied around its neck bounds up to me, wagging its tail.
- I would like a dog simulator
where I just like, have a dog.
Is that a game?
- That's probably just real life.
- That is my real life!
I have a dog.
I like your necktie.
That's something I would say. Ruff!
You shouldn't pet a dog you don't know, though,
'cause you don't know the dog,
and you don't know its journey.
Probably like people.
(laughing) You shouldn't pet people you don't know.
I'm just full of wisdom.
Winesdom.
- Oh my god, is this a guy with a dog?
Oh no, I thought I just met my soulmate,
I can't meet another soulmate.
I like this game. (laughs)
Oh, he's cute.
- This mystery behemoth of a man says,
"You know, frisbees are traditionally caught
with your hands, not your face."
I'm gonna go with the funny joke.
Well, you're traditionally not supposed
to aim for people's heads.
Ha ha, I'm just messin' with ya.
I'm Brian, by the way.
Hi, Brian.
- The other dad was about a nine.
This one's about a seven point five.
This is reminding me of what I don't have.
I'm just gonna pour a little more in.
- This is Daisy.
Oh, hi Daisy.
Her teacher tells me that she has
the reading comprehension skills of a high schooler.
My natural dad instinct kicks in.
I'm like, malfunctioning.
I have to brag about my child's accomplishments.
Oh! Some kind of pokemon battle.
- Brag.
That's right, my daughter's the (beep).
Your daughter sucks.
I'm just kidding, your daughter's probably cool.
- So much is happening!
Flee: I'm kinda bored, actually.
Amanda, get outta there.
Don't have to ask me twice (laughs).
Amanda's very moody. I love it.
- I hear heavy footsteps!
Kelsey, bro!
(laughing) It's Craig!
I feel an insolent child.
You're like, "Kelsey, no"
and I'm like, "Kelsey, yes."
I turn around and am greeted by a familiar face.
This is a familiar face to us.
(delighted exclamation)
Now I kinda wish I could redo my character
so he looks less creepy,
because I don't know if I see Craig
with this character either.
I just wish I could be me!
- Hello, sir.
Such a baby.
We like Craig.
I feel like I'm getting real creepy with this.
Do I have to pick between Mat and Craig later?
Oh my god.
I love this baby and I wanna be its mother or its daddy.
- Wow, you look great.
Yeah, I cleaned up my act.
Cleaned up his act?
Are you kidding me?
He's ripped.
Also look at this eyebrow.
I've never seen a more cool eyebrow in my life.
My god!
- Amanda, this is my friend Cr-
Okay, but just listen to me.
Hear me out, okay? (laughs)
Of all of the guys,
I feel like in real life I would get along most with Craig.
- Like Groundhog Day or whatever, right?
- It's like Groundhog Day!
It's just like that and that's very romantic.
- See, if I saw an attractive man like this,
I'd be like, "Do you love me?"
"You want children right now?"
I'm just kidding, I wouldn't do that.
This alcohol!
I'm ruining all potential.
No, you know what?
No I'm not.
I wish my life was like this
'cause I can't even get a message back on Tinder,
and that's a fact.
- Amanda, this is my friend Craig,
we went to college together.
We were roommates for a while too.
Oooh, what happened in that dorm room?
He's a little bit too athletic for me.
I'm gonna be honest, I'm not athletic.
So if he wants to go out and jog as a date,
that's not really my type of date.
- How's Smashley doing?
We got divorced last year-
wait, a year ago?
Maybe he's not over Smashley.
It's old news (intrigued noise).
I hate to be that guy,
but I'm in the middle of my daily jog
and I gotta keep up my heart rate.
You should join me sometime.
Oh, we'll join you.
I don't know-
No, Kelsey! I feel like we need to brain meld
so that Kelsey's on the same page as this Kelsey.
- All I'm saying is that if there are guys out there who-
no, I'm not gonna say what I was just gonna say.
(laughing)
I was thinking in my head and then I was like,
no, whatever,
and then I said it out loud and I was like,
wait, I'm talking out loud.
All I'm saying is that...
if you're tall,
like six foot,
'cause I'm five eight, hit me up.
If you've got a good credit score and you like Spongebob,
slide into my DMs.
Aw, she didn't get into college.
Ugh, being a dad is tough.
Go out and watch the game?
Sure.
Hey, sailor. Oh, hello.
Not interested in Mary.
Buy Mary a drink, don't-
I'm not gonna buy you a drink.
Oh, it's the brooding man.
He looks very...
Dangerous.
I'd say like, an eight.
What's Robert's deal?
What is he doing here?
(gasps)
Robert!
He's asking me if I wanna do it.
My heart already belongs to somebody.
Is this going to affect future things?
No?
Okay, let's say 'lay it on smooth.'
(laughs)
(gasps)
We're doing the do.
We're doing the thing.
(gasps)
(whispers) Oh my god.
He unbuckled my belt.
What a wild night that was.
Oh no, my daughter.
(beep), I forgot I had a daughter.
- I get a text when I wake up from an unknown number.
It's Craig! (laughs)
Rise and shine, early bird.
Still wanna work out-
We're gonna go to the gym with Craig.
Hey bro, good morning!
He's looking great!
Ready to kick some butt?
With your help, I am.
That's cute.
Okay, we're gonna just go all in
this time and see what happens.
I get the feeling this is gonna be less of me kicking butt
and more the gym kicking my butt,
but I can handle it with you here.
Dude, bro that means a lot.
He liked it, but...
There weren't eggplant emojis,
so I think we could have done better.
We head over to the treadmills and start walking.
This is kinda how I start too.
You gotta warm up on the treadmill.
Oh my gosh, I could totally see Craig
as a fitness instagrammer.
You know the one that takes pictures
of his food every morning and it's like,
"Bowls by Craig"
You know what I'm talking about?
You know what I'm talking about.
- I know (she speaks over him) - Yeah.
Why is that guy doing that to himself?
That's a good question bro,
what do you think he's doing?
Training to crush people's heads with his thighs?
That's very Game of Thrones.
Yeah, that's pretty much the only reason I work out.
Ooh, he liked it! What do you do for fun?
I love learning.
I like to live my life as close to
a Jimmy Buffett song as possible.
Check out my hot bod.
On this one I'm gonna say "Check out my hot bod,"
'cause I think he'd like it.
He did.
He's asking me out again.
I think we did good.
- Oh, I have one more to meet.
Is this one gonna be the one?
Is this dad gonna be my dream daddy?
I hope my dad doesn't watch this.
- Mr. Hugo Vega.
His glasses, let me tell you,
it's working for me.
(gentle music)
- I feel like I just keep falling in love.
(sighs) Oh, Jesus take the wheel.
- Mr. Vega leads me in and I take a seat
in one of the comically small student's desks in the back.
I'm a big man.
I don't know if I'll fit.
Oh, I'm watching the class. Okay.
Colin stands up and does the thing where he
blows into the crook of his elbow to make a fart noise.
Ugh, I am really glad I'm not in high school anymore.
Very funny Colin.
Please sit down.
He's taking control, I like that.
Damn kids: they don't ever wanna do their homework.
Mr. Vega, I was a great student in school.
I hope you like that.
- If this teacher was at my school in high school,
everyone would have been in love with him.
- Mr. Vega's a straight-up ten.
He's got the smarts and he can probably throw me around.
Whoa, I've had wine (laughs).
- Thanks so much for coming in.
No problem, Mr. Vega.
I'm gonna be very sultry with Mr. Vega.
I'm liking his vibe.
- I just wanna be with him and rub his feet after work
because I know those kids were very stressful on him.
- Please call me Hugo.
Whoa, first name basis!
As I'm sure you know,
Amanda's a very bright student.
Thank you, she is.
And I'm concerned about her recent behavior.
Ugh, she is a bit moody.
I just wanted to ask:
is everything okay at home?
I'm gonna give her the benefit of the doubt
and just say that we moved.
I'll make sure to talk to Amanda.
Thanks for letting me know, Hugo.
On my way out I stop,
thinking for a moment.
I turn to Hugo.
Hey Hugo?
Yes?
They ever catch that rye?
Oh...
my god!
What's he gonna say?
Yes.
He liked my lame joke.
Okay, I can work with this guy.
I met a couple dads today.
My favorite of all the dads was Hugo Vega, for sure.
- Mr. Vega...
what a man.
I felt the connection as soon as
he looked into my virtual eyes.
I know I said that for the last two or three people,
but I know this guy's the one.
We'll maybe go on a couple dates
with other people if we play this again,
but I honestly think that there's something about Craig.
That would make a good movie.
- Hey, Unsolved is on a new channel.
And now your part.
- (both) Subscribe here.
- That was my part.