Hey there viewers!
Do you think ‘toxic’ is too harsh of a word for negative family members?
The definition of toxic is something that is
harmful to your health or lethal if consumed in sufficient quantities.
When you understand how negative family members affect your physical and mental
health, this word would make total sense.
A toxic family member can blow up a Thanksgiving dinner,
destroy a weekend visit, and leave a path of destruction through a family vacation.
This is why it’s very important to set boundaries with such people.
But sometimes the people who are the most difficult to set
boundaries with are the ones closest to you.
Even if your family is relatively happy and functional, there might still be members that
routinely cross the line or that simply treat you in a way that you would prefer not to be treated.
In today’s video we will tell you the ways in which
you can set boundaries with toxic family members.
Things like understanding your needs come first,
being firm but kind, cutting of contact and many more.
So stay tuned!
Meet them for a brief time:
This one pretty much explains itself.
It doesn’t matter how much time you spend with a toxic family member,
because nothing is ever enough for them.
Block out an hour or two in your schedule, put in your time and then leave.
Don’t beat yourself up about not hanging around.
If you are holidaying with them, don’t let them stay in your house and don’t stay in theirs.
Simply get a hotel room or get them one.
If you can’t make up an excuse as to why you can’t stay in the same place tell them you have
bed bugs and your house is being fumigated or tell them your toilets aren’t working.
Honestly, you can decide what to tell them, just make sure you don’t give
them the opportunity to be in close physical proximity to you for extended periods of time.
Be Direct:
You may have tried dropping hints or being passive aggressive about your boundaries to
this particular family member but they still might not pick up on your clues.
This is pretty common, these toxic members are
usually careless and inattentive to other people’s thoughts and feelings.
This means you will have to be very explicit about what is okay and what is not.
You will have to set those boundaries and tell them directly.
This is the only way you can make sure that they understand where your boundaries fall.
Be Brave and Fearless:
When you are trying to set boundaries or have already done so, you may be fearful,
experience self-doubt or shame.
You may be thinking about the member’s response if you try
to enforce boundaries and shame can set in for speaking up to a family member.
Although it may drain you, try to stick to your
guns and give it time for the new circumstances to set in.
Go along with it because it will be beneficial for you in the long run.
You should also think about if this particular family member
even deserves the boundaries you’re setting.
It’s crucial to know that boundaries are a sign of self-care.
You must allow yourself permission to set them and keep them in place.
Don’t Let Them Manipulate You:
Toxic family members are often master manipulators.
They’ll use guilt and charisma to manipulate
you into their web and make you do whatever they want to.
It’s very important not to give in.
If you fight this manipulation you will keep your sanity everytime.
Make sure you stick to your point and do whatever is best for you, first.
Don’t give more than you’re comfortable giving and don’t worry about the guilt,
what you give is never enough for them anyway.
Don’t Give them Explanations:
Toxic family members are always looking for more drama.
The more you explain something to them, the more they will try to intrude on your personal space.
Explanations don’t do anything but just add fuel to the fire.
You don’t have to explain things like why you don’t appreciate a raised voice,
why you need to be treated with respect or why you don’t want someone talking behind your back.
These are things that should be understood on their own and if not,
then you should leave it alone.
The more explanation you give, the worse the situation may get.
Learn to Withhold Information:
Toxic family members often have a way of turning your words,
and your most personal life experiences, against you.
Remember that you are under no obligation to reveal anything about yourself to anyone.
Your toxic family member does not need to know about your baby’s christening
or your relationship problems or your most recent doctor visit.
It’s none of their business.
Learn to keep conversations light and general.
Talk about a good movie you’ve seen or the new
restaurant that just opened or how much you like to garden.
Try to avoid talking about politics or the latest news if it is going to start a fight.
Whatever you do, don’t give them ammunition to use against you later.
Don’t help them through every crisis:
Toxic family members are usually in crisis because they are masterful at creating them.
It’s what they do, breath and create drama.
Then they expect to be supported by their family members no matter what,
but the favour is never returned when you are facing a crisis.
They may call you at any sign of a crisis for sympathy, attention and support.
You don’t have to run to their side every time.
Teach them that you won’t be a part of the pity party by being unemotional,
inattentive, and indifferent to the crisis.
Don’t ask them any questions and don’t offer any help.
You might feel bad initially because it is not your normal way,
but remember that you’re not dealing with a normal family member.
Take a timeout from the Family Member:
Sometimes, taking a break and a step back from the toxic family
member can be very helpful in setting boundaries.
Don’t feel guilty of pulling back from the relationship.
If they call you, answer but don’t go out of your way to make contact with them.
You can also block them from your social media.
If they have no updates on you and what you are doing,
then they would have nothing to hold over your head.
This would also show them their true place and the boundaries that they need to stay within.
Be Firm But Kind:
Setting boundaries does not necessarily mean you have to be callous and rude.
In fact, when you build your boundaries with those toxic family members, it can
actually be more effective to do it with kindness.
If you are angry or defensive, it will only rile them up and cause them to lash
out at you or talk behind your back to other family members.
Kindness, however, may lead to a greater likelihood of a calm exchange.
Use your phone to your aid:
The beauty of smartphones is you can see exactly who is calling.
You are under no obligation to answer your phone, ever.
If you are feeling mentally strong enough to deal
with that toxic relative who is calling, by all means, answer.
If not, don’t.
It can be super useful when the toxic relative leaves a message.
That way, you can review it and decide if they’re calling
about something you even want to deal with.
If they sound angry and unhinged, you don’t need to feel guilty about not returning the call.
In fact, this can become a way to train your toxic family member into understanding you won’t respond
to their whacked-out attempts for attention, and you’ll only respond when they’re being respectful.
If need be, you can block the toxic relative from calling or texting you if you want.
You can always unblock them later if you change your mind.
Be Creative with the Truth:
In most cases, lying is obviously wrong,
but when you are dealing with a toxic family member, the rules are a little different.
You must remember that the person has little to no respect for you,
the truth, your feelings or your boundaries.
They will lie to you without a second thought,
so don’t feel bad if you have to bend the truth a little (or a lot) with them.
If you know you’re not a good liar, keep your lies simple.
If you are a good liar, then lying to a toxic person can actually be kind of fun.
See how creative you can get with your lies!
Make Self Care Crucial:
You should allow yourself permission to make self-care your most important goal.
By doing this, your determination to set boundaries grows stronger.
Self-care will help you realize how essential your feelings are, and you will begin to honor them.
Self-care will show you what makes you happy and miserable.
By putting yourself first, you will receive peace of mind, encouragement, rest,
and motivation to be more present with others, and strengthen the boundaries you want to set.
Do you have a toxic family member?
Try using these techniques and let us know how
that worked out for you in the comments section below!