All rise. The trial of Mario "Jumpman" Mario continues.
Witness for the prosecution?
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN
[Game Theory Theme Song]
Hello Internet, welcome to Game Theory.
Where we, get this, theorize about games.
Shocking, I know.
But seriously, if this was "The Matrix", by watching this show, you'd be choosing the red pill.
And that would make me Lawrence Fishburne.
But white.
Anyway, racial insensitivity aside...
As a life long Nintendo fan, no topic has gotten me more fired up than this one.
The true nature of Mario.
Trust me, it gives me no pleasure to tell you that Mario is an opportunistic animal abuser
or cruel, unfeeling brother like I did in part one of this duology,
but the truth has been hidden from us long enough.
Electrocuting baby apes,
trampling his brother's victories,
these aren't necessary for saving the Mushroom Kingdom.
Instead, these are the moments that show his true personality.
The one hidden behind his plastered-on smile
and joyful "yahoo!"
and while last episode started the sin counter,
*High pitched sin ding*
we're far from through as we dig through Mario's betrayal
of both the woman and country he's trying to save.
By the end, we'll have a pretty strong
and surprising diagnosis of what's going on inside the head
of gaming's biggest mascot.
So let's talk for a minute about "Mario the Manwhore".
Sure, we all know that Princess Peach is Mario's main squeeze now,
Wow, matpat sure is a *DING*us
but it's easy to overlook his flings with other women.
Take for instance, Pauline,
The girl stranded atop the girders in "Donkey Kong"
may appear to have the same fashion sense as the Toadstool Princess,
but one look at the promotional boxart of our damsel in distress shows us that Pauline is a very different
type of gal. Wearing tight, low-cut red dresses, Pauline is certainly a departure
of from the buttoned up, kiss on the cheek prone Peach.
Pauline: "Ohhh Mario~" (Orgasmic and sensual)
And yes, while Pauline and Mario were in love long before
Mario's adventures in the Mushroom Kingdom began, the feelings that drive a man
to leap over anthropomorphic fireballs to rescue his lady love die hard.
Case in point, the Mario Vs. Donkey Kong series.
Where, after years of absence, Pauline makes her grand return as Mario's quote unquote "special guest"
For those of you who are unfamiliar with this more obscure series,
Mario is debuting a new theme park based around his hit toy line.
And his V.I.P. guest at the ribbon cutting is... Pauline. No signs of Peach anywhere.
Now, as a committed man myself, I speak with authority when I say:
Later, in Mini-Land Mayhem, she even gets her own toy modeled after her.
There's no Peach toy. And speaking of old habits dying hard, when DK kidnaps her
and Mario comes to the rescue, she refers to him as "her hero". If there were any more red flags
flying in this situation, I'd say that this was a communist conspiracy.
Oh wait... (Shameless self-promotion)
and before you leave waves of comments about this being either before or after
a Peach-Mario celebrity breakup, timelines agree that the MVDK series takes place around the same time
as New Super Mario and Super Mario RPG.
a point in time when Mario is very clearly committed to the princess in pink.
And even if you don't believe in Mario timelines, Nintendo has gone on record saying that this DK
is an ancestor to this one.
So clearly, some time has passed with these two maintaining a very close relationship.
Sorry, Peach. Looks like Mario may be having his cake, and eating it too.
AHA!
But let's not forget Mario's other, other girl. Daisy.
"But Daisy is Luigi's girl!", I hear you thinking.
That's right, I can hear your thoughts. (Just imagine the thickest cheese in all of matpat history)
Daisy may be Luigi's girl now, but everyone seems to forget her origin story.
Princess of Sarasaland, she made her first appearance in Super Mario Land for the Gameboy.
And yes, while the manuel and the promotional material may bill this as Mario saving just another princess
out of the kindness of his heart, there's no denying what you see in the final scene of the game.
"Oh, Daisy! Daisy!" he cries out when seeing her. Now, I'm sorry, but that's not how a friend greets another friend.
Names only get repeated in romantic settings.
Need more proof?
(Phrasing) BOOM!
That heart tells you everything you need to know about what's going on here.
And once again, timelines list this game as occurring right after this.
So very clearly, this is still very much a thing.
And wait! This also means that, once again, we see Luigi getting the shaft. (Only sexual if you make it sexual)
Mario dates a woman, tosses her aside,
still expects her to play golf with them,
and Luigi is left with the sloppy seconds.
The hand-me-downs. The girl apparently not good enough to stay in Mario's little harem.
So if Mario's crimes against animals and family aren't good enough,
it seems he's also an adulterous plumber
who can't keep his plunger in his pants.
And while crimes of the heart are indeed serious, his ultimate betrayal is against the
very people he's trying to protect. The denizens of the Mushroom Kingdom.
Mario is a murderer
murdurer
murderoar
Roar roar roar roar roar
This "hero" of the Mushroom Kingdom has killed hundreds, thousands of Toads in his quest
to "save" them from the evil clutches of Bowser.
Look at the story from the original Super Mario Brothers. Quote,
Uhhhh... It's here somewhere.. uh
"The Kingdom was invaded by the Koopa" Uh... black magic... Ah! There we go.
"The quiet, peace loving mushroom people" A.K.A. Toads "were turned into mere stones, bricks, and even field"
"horse hair plants" whatever that is. (I believe that these are the piranha plants)
blah-de-blah-de-blah... "The only one who could undo the magic is the Princess Toadstool."
There you have it. Each and every brick you shatter is someone you were supposed to be saving.
And the game takes it one step further! Rewarding you for killing them; giving you points for each
and every block you smash. Earning points for killing people? That's what happens when you
play the anti-hero. Games like GTA, Overlord, Prototype. Not fu(censor) Mario Brothers!
And if the original games were bad, look at his behavior with a Mega Mushroom!
Look at his utter lack of concern for anything in his way! Knowing full well that each and every
thing in front of him is an actual resident of the kingdom. He even celebrates his massacre when he finishes!
And while we're talking about his murderous tendencies, let's talk for a minute about Mario's preferred method
of delivering death.
Crushing.
While the game makes it seem all for fun, it's pretty disturbing when you think about it.
In fact, to prove the point, let's get morbid for a second here while I tell you a story.
In Southeast Asia, as recently as the late 19th century,
a popular form of execution was by elephant. One variation involved elephants trained to crush each and
every limb of a prisoner's body that wasn't vital. Shattering the arms and legs, letting the victim
slowly suffer as long as possible before finally releasing its full weight onto the victim's head and chest.
Crushing the bones. Spraying brains and viscera everywhere.
Now, did that make you uncomfortable? Make you cringe?
Could you see yourself being repulsed by that sort of thing?
GOOD!
Because it's normal for someone to react that way! You know who doesn't?
Mario.
In fact, he relishes in it. Yipping and yee-hawing as he leaps from one flattened corps to the next.
He has no sense of guilt. No sense of remorse.
Police officers forced to kill in the line of duty have second thoughts.
Soldiers forced to kill on the battlefields often suffer from PTSD.
Bad guys or no, Mario should be feeling something. Anything other than joy, knowing that he's ending
the existence of so many living creatures. You know who else doesn't have any remorse for their crimes?
The Joker, Hannibal Lecter, Mr. Hyde, Ted Bundy, Lumberjack Dexter.
These are all men with Antisocial Personality Disorder. Actual psychopaths.
And Mario fits right in. They're all men characterized by their inability to form attachments or have
any real empathy for others. Despite being charming and personable on the outside. They hold steady jobs,
even have families. Girlfriends! But can be impulsive and sexually promiscuous.
They're manipulative, they learn to mimic emotions, despite their inability to feel them.
They appear normal. Happy in every sense, and yet they ruthlessly prey on everyone and everything around them.
Sacrificing their safety, having no remorse for their actions.
Deep down, they're arrogant. And to bring it all the way back around to where these two videos first started,
often times, the first sign of someone with Antisocial Personality Disorder is their cruelty towards animals.
Every single crime we've leveled against Mario across these two videos fits into this diagnosis.
Animal cruelty, unloving brother, sexually deviant, remorseless murderer.
I can definitively say Mario has Antisocial Personality Disorder.
Behind that plastered-on smile. Behind that perpetually happy "It's-a-me!" is a monster.
A man who has proven himself to be a threat to everything and everyone around him.
He is no hero. We just haven't stopped to question him until now. Who would have thunk it?
Mario. The most successful, unidentified serial killer ever. In the end though, if you think about it, it makes sense.
There was only ever one piece of evidence we really needed to prove Mario's evil intentions.
Damn you, blue shells...(How dare you matpat, I thought this was a show without curse word-okay I'll stop)
[record scratch]
So I bet you never knew that about Mario.
but click here to hear some more things you probably didn't know about the guy and his games.
I know I've been a little harsh on him over the last two videos, but hey, it's just a theory.
A Game Theory!
So I partnered up with DYKGaming to cut the guy some slack and really give him the credit he deserves.
So hop on through the warp pipe to check out some more Mario-MatPat action over there.
At the very least I need you to go defend my voice in the comments. Last time... Let's just say people were
a little divided on what they heard.