>> Crazy Nate: So let me paint the scenario for you.
You’re minding your own business walking back from the grocery store when all of a
sudden out of nowhere a unicorn van driving down the street slams on the breaks throws
a bag over your head and then chucks you into the van like a sack of potatoes.
Rotten potatoes, then the unicorn van screams off down the road, never for you to be seen
again.
Or is it.
You have just enough power left on your phone to call one person.
Why only one person?
Because TikTok was constantly running in the background stealing your all of your information
draining your battery.
With that one life saving call, you're going to rely on one person to save you?
Jason Bourne, John Wick, Bryan Mills, or Robert McCall?
Who you going to call?
(intro music plays)
If you got kidnapped and your phone was going to die and you could only call one person
to rescue you, who would you call?
Jason Bourne, John Wick, Bryan Mills, or Robert McCall?
So let's do this.
Let’s weigh the pros and cons of our heroes.
I would start off with Jason Bourne but just like him I can’t remember his strengths
and weaknesses.
So we’ll come back to him a little bit later on in the show.
How about for now let's start off with Robert McCall.
So what is it we know about Robert McCall?
Well we know when a petty thief robs a store he does nothing.
At least for that moment he does nothing, and in a gun fight, there's a basic rule that
if you want to live you have to wait your turn.
So it’s not like he let the bad guy go.
Of course this poor girl was basically forced against her will to do some bad trafficking,
and he just sat there and read his book about Moby dick instead.
>> Teri: He ever catch it?
>> Robert McCall: Who?
>> Teri: the fish.
>> Robert McCall: Oh, yeah, yes he did.
>> Teri: It's a happy ending.
Sure, sure, sure eventually he does end up saving her but that was way after he let her
get her clock cleaned out.
And in his credit he also took out an entire gang in a matter of seconds.
Even though he is getting a little bit slower as he's getting older.
However none the less that still a very impressive skill that he maybe will use to save your
life, maybe he wont, In his personal life he couldn’t save his very own wife, sorry
it's true, and if he finally does decide to save your life after reading his next book
of the book of Narnia or something, he's too late.
But hey, he’s also health conscious though, so that’s good right?
maybe he's going to bring you a yummy sandwich when he saves your life.
And he’s getting up there in age, and at one point even got beat so bad by the bad
guys that the hardware store security Guard had to be the one to save the day.
>> Ralphie: Mr. McCall it's Ralphie.
You said not to leave anybody behind.
>> Crazy Nate: Maybe we should be adding the security guard to the list of people who you
would call to save your life.
>> Kim: what happens if I push this button?
>> Bryan Mills: Don't touch that button.
>> Crazy Nate: Ok, moving on, let's go to John Wick!
Now we all know that John Wick knows his way around a gun.
But he also brings a lot of baggage to the party.
Every assassin in the world is trying to get on his tail.
So if he has to rescue you then you can rest assured he’s probably going to bring a lot
more problems after you then the problems that you're currently situated in, inside
a unicorn van.
Unless of course you're a dog, then he'll probably save your life.
Unless you're his first dog.
Then he'll just sit there and watch you die.
I mean let's be honest.
He’s probably too busy fighting his own problems, so he's probably not even going
to answer the call.
That was scary.
Either way we have to keep in mind that a couple of amateur criminals that are so new
to the bad guy scene that they don’t even know who John Wick even is.
>> Iosef Tarasov: Who?
Who who?
>> Crazy Nate: EVERYONE in the industry knows who John is.
But the same amateur bad guys caught him off guard and manage to over power him? and that
doesn’t make any sense.
If they wanted to they could even clocked him out permanently in this very moment.
But in Johns defense, he does at least know how to shoot a gun, and hit his target.
Next on the list we have Bryan Mills.
You might remember him from Taken!
>> Sheerah: What did you say your name was again?
>> Bryan Mills: Mills, Bryan Mills.
>> Sheerah: Nice to meet you Bryan Mills.
>> Crazy Nate: He has a wife and a kid, and he managed to save his daughter from the bad
guys, she literally was kidnapped just like in this fictional scenario you got kidnapped.
So this wouldn’t be his first rodeo.
And in theory, he should be able to save you.
But I have to point out the obvious here today, this guy knew how dangerous it was for his
daughter to travel abroad, then he just told her to call him when she landed.
I trust you!
How lazy can you get.
I mean come on, he's like super smart at finding things, how come he didn't know the second
her plane landed.
>> Operator: To check arrival please press one.
>> Crazy Nate: You know you can track these flights now days and you don’t even have
to be a special agent.
It’s so easy to do Carole Baskin can do it.
>> Carole Baskin: Hey all you cool cats and kittens it's Carole.
>> Crazy Nate: and he wasn’t fast enough to save her friend unfortunately.
Moment of silence.
OK.
And who knows what happened to her before he managed to save her.
If you remember when his own daughter is missing, it took 72 hours to find her.
72 hours…
>> Bryan Mills: I don't even know where the kid lives.
>> Lenore: You found her in a city of 12 million people within 72 hours.
>> Crazy Nate: So are your kidnappers going to be nice to you for the first 72 hours?
Of course granted I'll give him credit, that was in a foreign country and not his home
turf.
And when his daughter was missing in the same country, well she didn't think she was missing.
It only took him literally a matter of minutes to find her.
>> James Doakes: Surprise!
>> Bryan Mills: Slow down a little bit please.
>> Crazy Nate: Of course his daughter is also old enough to drive and she's old enough to
know how to shoot a gun to protect herself, especially when her dad has a history like
his, but guess what, he didn't even teach her how to shoot a gun?
>> Bryan Mills: Do you know how to shoot?
>> Kim: NO.
>> Crazy Nate: Because that makes sense for someone with his shady background to not want
to train your daughter how to shoot a gun or basic fighting skills.
And also, his accuracy is about as good as a Storm Troopers.
>> Bryan Mills: I will kill you.
>> Crazy Nate: I'm sorry I said it.
>> Mushu: You missed, how could you miss, he was 3 feet in front of you.
>> Crazy Nate: Jason Bourne.
Then we have Jason Bourne.
Yeah, I put him last on the list, but that's just because he can never remember anything.
Sure he’s a great shot with a gun, but at this point we know all four of them are good
with fairly good with a gun.
Well usually.
My biggest concern with Jason Bourne, is if you got kidnapped and he had to rescue you
would he forget who you were or forget that he needs to rescue you and not even remember
until it was a little too late?
>> Jason Bourne: No I'm serious, I don't know who I am, I don't know where I'm going, none
of it.
>> Marie Kreutz: What like amnesia?
>> Jason Bourne: Yes.
>> Crazy Nate: Besides, remember his girlfriend Marie.
Well from the very first day he entered her life he only made it worse until finally she’s
sitting right next to him and he couldn’t even protect her then bang, the lights went
out.
Then don’t forget Nicky Parson.
Another girl in his life that he's supposed to be protecting and helping out.
He used her as a human shield.
And I get it, even if that wasn’t his intent though, that’s what happened.
you gotta remember, if he was rescuing you that’s where you would be sitting, on the
back of his bike, being a human shield so he doesn't get the bullet.
or you'd be sitting next to him in a car as he's escaping with you, getting a bullet.
(survey music plays)
Yeah, I know YouTube canceled their polls but you know what, I have a website, so I
still have polls you can click the little i up there and vote.
So today's question is this.
What do you think, if you were in need of a super secret agent to rescue you from a
unicorn van, who would you call for help?
Bryan Mills, Robert McCall, John Wick, or Jason Bourne?
So the question you are probably asking is who would I pick?
Well I’m going to be calling Bryan Mills.
Why because if you just got captured in a van it’s too late for any of these guys
to prevent it from starting because it already started.
So they can only attempt to rescue you, and we all know Bryan Mills has very Special skills.
>> Bryan Mills: I have a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very
long career, skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.
If you let my daughter go now that will be the end of it, I will not look for you, I
will not peruse you, but if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will
kill you.
>> Crazy Nate: And from the second you call him to the second he finds you he's not going
to be resting.
He's not going to be stopping to flirt with a lady on his journey to rescuing you.
Or stop to get a sandwich, or forget who it was that even called him in the first place.
That's right, he's gonna be on the trail to find you.
So if you didn't vote in the poll, tell me in the comment below who you'd be voting for,
and if you have some sort of crazy conspiracy we need to be talking about in one of these
movies, tell me what it is, maybe you'll get featured.
Thank you to the members for supporting the channel, I appreciate it, let me know what
movie you want to talk about next, and remember most importantly of all Gents and Gentlets,
share a smile, they are contagious.