- YOU CLEARLY ARE HERE BECAUSE YOU LOVE TELEVISION.
I LOVE TELEVISION.
WHEN I WAS GROWING UP, WE HAD SHOWS LIKE
"LEAVE IT TO BEAVER," AND "THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES."
SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE, THINGS CHANGED.
NOW THE HILLBILLIES ON TELEVISION ARE REAL.
THERE ARE SO MANY REALITY SHOWS NOWADAYS,
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO KEEP UP, BUT I THOUGHT I WOULD HELP YOU.
I FOUND A NEW--THESE ARE CLIPS
FROM A FEW REALITY SHOWS THAT I STUMBLED UPON.
AND AS I ALWAYS SAY, IF I SEE IT, YOU HAVE TO SEE IT TOO.
SO HERE'S A SHOW I FOUND ON THE LEARNING CHANNEL.
IT'S CALLED "BUYING NAKED."
IT'S ABOUT NUDISTS WHO ARE LOOKING...
[laughter]
TO BUY REAL ESTATE.
- WHEN PEOPLE WANT TO BUY NUDIST REAL ESTATE,
THEY COME TO ME.
I'VE ALREADY SOLD OVER 25 HOMES TO NUDISTS THIS YEAR.
TOP THAT.
OKAY, COME ON, GUYS.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE MASTER SUITE.
- OKAY.
- ALL RIGHT, THIS IS NICE.
- THIS ROOM MIGHT BE A LITTLE SMALL,
BUT I THINK IT'S SOMETHING THAT WE COULD WORK WITH.
- YOU WANT TO TAKE A LOOK AT THIS, HILARY.
- NO WAY.
- THIS IS FANTASTIC.
IT'S IMPORTANT TO HAVE BIG CLOSETS BECAUSE I DO GO TO WORK.
MICHAEL GOES TO WORK TOO.
AND I HAVE A LOT OF SHOES. [laughs]
[laughter]
- SHE WEARS SHOES.
THAT'S GOOD.
JUST NOTHING BUT SHOES IN THERE.
[cheers and applause]
I WAS ALWAYS WONDERING WHERE THE NUDISTS KEPT THEIR KEYS.
AND I GUESS IN THEIR SHOES.
SHE JUST PUTS HER SHOES ON AND GOES TO WORK.
AND THERE'S A SHOW ON TRUTV.
IT'S CALLED "KILLER KARAOKE."
HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS?
IT'S PEOPLE WHO ARE SINGING IN EXTREME CONDITIONS.
THIS IS-- THIS IS DONE FOR A CHANCE TO WIN $10,000
- PERFORMING "HOOKED ON A FEELING"
WHILE WEARING DRUNK GOGGLES,
PLEASE MAKE SOME NOISE FOR MALICK HANNAH.
- KILLER KARAOKE, START!
[dreamy pop music]
- [singing] I CAN'T STOP THIS FEELING
[balloons popping, people screaming]
DEEP INSIDE OF ME
[balloons popping, screams]
I CAN'T WAIT--
[screaming, crashing]
[audience laughing, groaning]
[dreamy pop music continues]
- BRUSH IT OFF.
- [singing] WHEN YOU HOLD ME
IN YOUR ARMS SO TIGHT
[laughter]
- OH.
[applause]
IF PEOPLE ARE WILLING TO DO THAT FOR $10,000,
I REALIZE I AM PAYING MY STAFF WAY TOO MUCH MONEY.
[laughter]
I DON'T EVEN MAKE 'EM SING.
HERE'S A SHOW.
THIS IS ON THE SMITHSONIAN CHANNEL,
AND IT'S CALLED "AERIAL AMERICA."
MY DAD TOLD ME ABOUT THIS, AND I THOUGHT,
"WELL, I'LL GIVE IT A TRY."
- THIS RIVER VALLEY WAS ONCE THE HOME OF THE IROQUOIS PEOPLE.
WHO CALLED THE MAJESTIC WATERWAY THAT FLOWED THROUGH THEIR LAND
"OHI:YO'" OR "GREAT RIVER."
IT WAS FROM "OHI:YO'" THAT OHIO GOT ITS NAME.
[laughter]
- WHAT'D I MISS?
WHAT HAPPENED?
WAS IT GOOD?
OKAY.
IT'S THE SAME PLACE I FELL ASLEEP LAST TIME.
DARN IT.
THIS IS ANOTHER CLIP FROM "KILLER KARAOKE."
[jaunty country music]
- [singing] ON THE ROAD AGAIN
GOIN' PLACES THAT I'VE NEVER BEEN
SEEIN' THINGS THAT I MAY NEVER SEE AGAIN
COME ON, GIRLS.
[singing] I CAN'T WAIT TO GET ON THE ROAD AGAIN
ON THE ROAD AGAIN
LIKE A BAND OF GYPSIES, WE GO DOWN THE HIGHWAY
OH, MAN.
[singing] WE'RE THE BEST OF FRIENDS
INSISTING THAT THE WORLD KEEP TURNING OUR WAY
[screams] ON THE ROAD
ON THE ROAD AGAIN
OW!
JUST CAN'T WAIT TO GET ON
[screams] THE ROAD AGAIN
- OH, MAN.
OW! [cheers and applause]
GOD.
I WOULD NEVER LET SOMEONE WAX MY CHEST FOR $10,000.
PROBABLY WOULDN'T LET SOMEONE WAX MY CHEST.
I DON'T NEED IT WAXED, IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING.
[laughter]
THERE'S NO REASON FOR ME TO EVER EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
MOVING ON.
AND FINALLY, I'M NOT PROUD OF THIS.
THERE'S A SHOW THAT I STUMBLED UPON.
IT'S CALLED "SEX SENT ME TO THE E.R."
AND-- [audience groans]
UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S ABOUT EXACTLY WHAT THE TITLE SAYS.
- HAPPY ONE-MONTH ANNIVERSARY.
- WELL, I FIGURED, YOU KNOW, WE'D BEEN DATING FOR A WHILE,
SO IT'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW, WHAT?
WHY DON'T WE TRY AND TAKE THIS TO THE NEXT LEVEL?"
- SO I'M TRYING TO GO AS-- YOU KNOW,
AS FULL-OUT AS I CAN, YOU KNOW?
WHEN WHAT HAPPENED WAS, HER TOP OF HER HEAD
WAS PUSHED AGAINST THE BACK WALL.
440 POUNDS PUSHED HER--
- [grunts]
- HER HEAD WENT THROUGH THE SHEETROCK WALL.
THERE WAS SHEETROCK KIND OF LIKE ON THE FRONT OF HER FACE.
HER EYES ARE CLOSED.
HANDS OPEN, NOT MOVING, KIND OF LIKE, "UGH."
MY INITIAL REACTION IS, I KILLED HER.
SHE LOOKS AT ME AND SHE GOES--
- WHY DID YOU STOP?
[laughter]
- OH, YOUR FACES, ALL OF YOU, IN THE AUDIENCE.
THAT WAS A LOT TO TAKE IN.
LET'S TRY TO GET THOSE IMAGES OUT OF OUR MIND WITH A DANCE.