Hello I m Darren Magee and today s topic is continuing on with questions on recovering
from having been in an unhealthy relationship with someone who's narcissistic,
and indeed managing those relationships. Today I'm going to discuss what's often referred to as
the Grey Rock method. I'm going to look at where it came from, how it works, but I'm also going
to discuss some of the risks involved in using this method. So if you like this video, if you
find it interesting or helpful, please consider subscribing to my channel. But just as a reminder,
this video is not a substitute for support from a mental health professional nor is it a tool to be
used to diagnose someone. Neither term Grey Rock was first coined by a mental health Blogger named
Skylar back on our website back in 2012. In an article she d written, she referred to having a
conversation with a stranger one night and telling them about the abuse she had been suffering from
an ex partner, an ex partner that she had identified as being narcissistic and toxic.
This strangers advice was to be boring. So you think of a Rock You think of a grey rock.
It's not that interesting. Can you think of anything more boring? It's dull. You can't
train it to perform tricks. She comes to be it or argue with it. It never moves. It won't let you
borrow money. You could pour water over the water just runs off, you know, it might get wet, but it
doesn't absorb the water. In other words, to go Grey Rock is to make yourself so uninteresting,
so unresponsive the narcissistic person just goes elsewhere for their supply. And it has become
quite a popular strategy for managing toxic people whenever no contact is not an option. For example,
you might have to co-parent with them, you might have to live with them, you might have to work
with them. It's that person who's always looking for trying to provoke some kind of reaction.
They are crossing boundaries emotionally and mentally draining their targets.
The non-responsive non-resistance non-engagement approach is aimed to make it more difficult
for the narcissistic person to project onto their targets. It puts a distance emotionally,
mentally and sometimes physically between that person and the narcissist.
And it works on different levels and people can employ different approaches.
Some people might start to dress more plainly, or perhaps in a way that just blends in with others.
They share no information, certainly not personal information with the toxic person.
And remember, a lot of narcissistic people like to create drama. Grey rock is a way of not taking
part in any of that chaos and tragedy. So the person who's employing grey, grey rock, rather,
they may observe the drama, but they just go back to whatever it is they're doing. They don't
engage. Now that can be difficult, especially if you're the target. But the idea is not to
give the narcissistic person any energy, or indeed anything that they can use to twist or manipulate.
To make the narcissistic person feels so starved of reaction and control
they just lose interest and move on. Now that narcissistic person could be an ex partner. But
there has to be contact of some kind, perhaps because they have children together. So the ex
partner is constantly trying to provoke some kind of reaction, maybe in front of the kids or others,
trying to induce conversations to create some kind of conflict to control and manipulate.
Or it could be a work colleague who is continually undermining someone, continually undermining you
perhaps. In quite passive aggressive ways that on the face of it, don't seem that unreasonable
to others. But if you're on the wrong end of it you recognise the pattern you recognise
the intent. Again, they may try to induce conversations, asking leading questions,
looking for a particular answer that they can use against you later on. So how it works is,
the narcissistic person accuses, there's no answer. They give the silent treatment, there
is no acknowledgement of that silent treatment. They ask a question, and if possible they get
a one word answer. There's no explanations, no opinions. There's no sharing of plans for
the weekend, what movies you d seen, there is nothing. The narcissistic person gets nothing.
Now the success rate of using the Grey Rock method is to date anecdotal. I think it can be useful in
one word or brief answers like, Yes, no, maybe, I don't know, can help keep that emotional distance.
Not colluding with their lies in front of others, not reacting to their concerns, their issues,
their unkind humour, again, especially in front of others. Using a matter of fact tone of voice,
and deciding for yourself whether or not to answer a text or an email,
and it doesn't really matter if they have seen you ve read it or not. Answering is your choice.
When they're not getting what they want, you're managing your boundaries. You're not being
manipulated, you're keeping a sense of control over yourself, and that can be quite empowering.
The downside of using Grey Rock can be, if you remember, a common trait of narcissism can be
vindictiveness. So if there's been a relationship where they were used to getting what they want,
you know, they generally don't want to lose that. So they tend to try different tactics, sometimes
more extreme, sometimes more ridiculous ways of trying to get some kind of reaction from you.
And you may face a lot of accusations. You may be accused of ghosting, ignoring them. They may show
other people texts and emails to you that normally begins something along the lines of, I've no idea
what I've done to hurt you, to deserve this kind of treatment. Can we at least talk about it?
They re playing the victim and they're trying to make you look like you're the unreasonable one.
Also, if there has been physical abuse in that relationship, Grey Rock probably
isn't going to be enough. You may have to remove yourself completely
from their company, from that environment altogether. Another downside could be,
sometimes there may be a genuine concern. Maybe that narcissistic person really has been
diagnosed with some terrible illness. Maybe they really are genuinely concerned about the kids.
You know, maybe in their own minds, they really do believe that last act of kindness has just undone
all the crap that they put you through. I tend to think of that it's like that old,
the boy who cried wolf scenario. They've just done so much that behaved so badly, told so many lies
it's hard to believe them, it's hard to take them seriously. Another thing to be mindful of when
using the Grey Rock method, is when using it we re not expressing ourselves the way we would wish to.
Sometimes what we're doing is we're suppressing outrage, embarrassment, then need for some kind
of validation, not just from the narcissistic person, but often from their audience as well.
There can be a risk of becoming alienated from your real true self. So, you know,
being so traumatised from the abuse that the Grey Rock almost becomes like a default setting.
Behaving like that, with everyone, becoming withdrawn, disconnected from those who even
really do genuinely care and want to support you. Thing is, I often talk
about this when I'm talking with my clients, when we're talking about coping strategies,
it's knowing when, how and why to use them. Coping strategies aren't there to make the
problem go away. Coping strategies are there to help us get through it, maybe dilute it a little
bit to help us to manage the situation better. And it is okay to get it wrong from time to time,
especially when we're trying something for the first time. It's okay to learn by trial
and error. We never really learn anything unless we made mistakes. And I think this
is where counselling and psychotherapy can help with this. Help someone develop assertiveness
and not necessarily suppressing their own needs and wants. Also helping someone to develop and
drawn, supportive, healthy, caring relationships with others. Learning to build on what works and
learning to rule out what doesn't. learning when to use certain coping strategies and when not to.
So that's a brief outline of the Grey Rock method. If you ve any comments,
obsevartions or experiences that you d feel free to share by all means use the comment box below
there are some interesting conversations starting around these videos. If you liked this video if
you found it useful or helpful please consider subscribing to my channel for future updates on
mental health related topics and until next time, thanks for watching.[DFM1] [DFM1]Observations or
experiences that you feel free to share, please by all means, go ahead. Use the
comment box below. There are some interesting conversations starting around these videos,
but if you like this video, if you find it useful or helpful, please