Okay, Live On Purpose family. Are you ready to stop taking things so personally?
Three simple questions are going to help. Pay attention to this video
because you're going to see some things that will immediately bring you some more
peace. As I help you understand how to operate the equipment of your own mind. I've got you on this.
The first thing that we need to understand is that there's a personal and an impersonal component to
everything. Some of you have been coming to the coaching calls over at Live On Purpose Central
where we really get into some detail on this and this comes up quite a bit. When people share
their circumstances and it's obvious that they are taking it very personally. When I say that
there's a personal and an impersonal component to everything just check this out. The personal
component is that it's you, it's happening to you, it's your life, it's your relationships,
and that's why it feels personal, it is you. But the impersonal part is it doesn't matter that it's you.
This kind of stuff happens to people to humans to our other fellow travelers on planet earth
and in that way it's not about you plus everything that people share with me on those coaching calls
I've heard before. I've been a shrink for 30 years you can't shock me and I've heard it. That doesn't
mean that you've experienced it before but it does mean that other people have, okay. Other people on
the planet have already been through some version of whatever it is that you're going through right now.
That's the impersonal part. I remember and I share this in my book Pathological Positivity.
A time when I was discovering something about my own voice. I have a neurological voice disorder
it's called spasmodic dysphonia. Every time I mention that I get messages from some of you
who are experiencing the same thing and it's basically spasms that occur in my vocal folds
that are caused by a little dysfunction in my brain and it causes these spasms. So, sometimes
you'll hear my voice get a little strangled or strained and if you've been on the channel or
hanging out with us here that Live On Purpose for very long that just sounds normal to you.
It still doesn't sound normal to me and for me it takes effort every day to create voice. It's
the strangest thing. But I remember when I was first diagnosed this was back in 2002. I remember,
it was the same year that the Olympics came to salt lake city and I was working as a volunteer
for the 2002 winter Olympics. I served for the Finnish National Olympic Committee. I was one of
their liaisons with the salt lake organizing team and what a great experience but I'm anchoring it
to that because that's also the same time that i finally found a doctor who could diagnose this
condition and he told me at the time he said there's about, I think he said 30,000 people
who have this condition and that number just jumped out at me 30,000 people and then I was
like wait, is that a big number? I don't know it depends on what you compare it to, right? Well,
I live about five miles from Lavelle Edwards Stadium that's the big football stadium where
the Brigham Young University football team does all of their games and it holds about 60,
000 people. So, I pictured that stadium half full and I'm thinking, wow. But then I realized that's in
like the country, there's 30,000 and it suddenly looked like a small number. But here's the shift
that happened for me and why it relates to taking things personally. When I was first being diagnosed
with this condition one of the thoughts in my head was why me? Which is kind of a victim paradigm.
If you say it in a whiny voice, especially why me I'm a good person. But when I found out there
are 30,000 other people on the planet or at least in my country who have this disorder
my thoughts went to why them see and as long as I was asking why me? I was taking it very personally.
It's like there must be something wrong with me or maybe I deserve this or maybe I've got some
unresolved sins that god is punishing me for or whatever. I mean, our mind does these weird
things to answer the why me question. When I thought why them? I wasn't taking it personally
anymore. I could see that all of those arguments I was coming up with in my own head didn't fit
them. I couldn't make the argument that they are doing something wrong or have these unresolved
issues in their life that are causing this to happen. No, it's simply a neurological condition
that affects a certain number in the population and then the question changed for me from why me
to why not me? I want you to just try this on for a minute because what does that change for you.
If you stop asking why me and taking it so personally and you say why not me? Because
a certain percentage of people are going to get this, why not me? Am I not just as qualified to have
this as they are and probably better qualified in some way? Vicki my wife is a speech-language
pathologist, she was fascinated with this condition from an academic standpoint. But it changes
that personalization. See, that's what shifted for me, going from why me to why
not me? Here's another example of that, what kind of people get into car accidents? Now,
notice how your brain is calling up. Well, there's distracted people, there's drunk people, there's
people who are being careless or trying to text or whatever, okay. Yes and who are they gonna hit?
Look, the kind of people who get into car accidents are the kind of people who get into cars.
Are we clear? So, why not me? I get into cars all the time. That's the thing about the impersonal
component. The personal part is that you that has the diagnosis or that got into the car accident or
experienced the trial it is you. But that's where the personal part ends.
It's not about you, okay. It's about a legitimate human experience that other citizens of the
planet are going to experience as well why not you? Notice that the taking things personally is
about what we're thinking not what's happening to us. That's an important distinction. I've got three
questions that are going to help with this. Before I get to the questions, take a moment to share
your experience with this. I told you about my spasmodic dysphonia this diagnosis with my voice.
What is it that you have that maybe you've been taking personally that this is going to change
now that we can identify the impersonal side of it. What have you experienced? Put it in the comments,
would you? I would love to read what you have to share about this and by the way between me and
my team we read all of the comments. We're going to try to respond to as many as we can too. So, put
your thoughts down below let's get a conversation going about that. Now, here's those three questions
that help us to take things less personally. Number one, who is this really about? We already
know that there's a personal and impersonal component. When you say who is this really about.
Here's another example, let's just say that I'm walking down the street maybe going out for
lunch or just taking a walk during a break okay and suddenly two guys in this muscle car pull over
jump out beat me up take my phone and my wallet and they speed off. I get mugged, alright. Who is
this really about? Now, the personal part is well it happened to me but the impersonal part is it's
not about me it's about the poor decision of those two thugs in the muscle car. Do you see this? Who is
this really about? Sometimes that allows us to step back from it enough that we're not taking it quite
so personally. Here's the second question. Now, brace yourself because this one's a little tough.
How did I contribute to this or create this? Go back to the mugging example for just a minute. How did I
create this? It wasn't my bad choice, it's not my fault, okay. So, these are the ways that our
brain is sometimes going to process it. But I'm asking you to ask a specific question. How did
I contribute to this? Well, I took a walk. Now, notice, I'm not saying I did anything wrong. I'm not saying
I shouldn't have taken the walk. That is simply the element that I contributed. Notice, we're getting
away from blame, blame is a victim paradigm. Blame is all about finding someone or something rather
than taking personal responsibility. Own your part and your part doesn't mean that you're at fault.
Do you hear the difference? I simply took a walk. It's not that I did anything wrong but that's
how I contributed. Now, this is important because until we identify our own part of something we
have very little control over moving it forward in any productive way. We don't want to get trapped in
a victim mindset where it's like it's not my fault and then blame someone or something else for where
we are. Look, I walked to that place an unfortunate thing happened but that's not it's not about fault.
See, that's just my part because that leads us to the third question, what can I learn from this?
This is an acknowledgement of the immense value of every experience that we can have. Yes,
it was painful. Yes, there was a loss involved in the example that I'm sharing with you
and often life's experiences can be expensive and or painful and they carry powerful lessons
of life. What can I learn from this? Without taking blame I can simply
extract the value from this experience and be judicious about what it is that you extract.
If we use the example of taking a walk during my lunch break I could learn, oh, I should never
take a walk or come to that conclusion or I could say, huh, it is true things happen.
The hard painful difficult things happen to good people who don't necessarily deserve it, okay,
and then use that to increase my empathy and understanding and acceptance of how other people
are having difficult experiences as well. That's another example of something that you could learn.
What you learn from it is up to you. The experience sometimes is not something that you can change.
We can't just demand to have a better past but we can extract the value from whatever it is that
occurred. I've come to believe that things happen for us which is a little different take on things
happen to us but notice the difference in energy that creates for you. What if everything that
you're experiencing right now is for you is to give you the rich gift of knowledge or experience
that you get to use moving forward. I think these three questions are going to really help you
to take things less personally. I hope you've found some value from that.
Cue up that next video, if you want to take this to the next level I'm going to help you know how to
reprogram your mind to stay strong and positive. I think you're going to enjoy that one as well.