- If you are watching this video right now,
and you identify as either a nice guy or girl
or a people-pleaser,
or somebody else in your life has maybe said
that that's the way that you are,
then this video may be the most powerful video
you've ever seen.
To transforming that energy
so that you create magnetic energy from the inside out
and you stop being this way that was built from childhood.
You stop being this, in a way, inauthentic way of being
that you say, "This is who I am."
It's not who you are.
Being a nice guy, being a people-pleaser
is not who you are at your core.
It was a survival mechanism
that was placed when you were a kid
to try to keep you out of disapproving of your family,
of your friends, and it's a way
of getting your needs met is really what this is.
And in this video,
I'm gonna show you exactly how to transform that.
What I did, because I used to be a nice guy,
and it completely changed my life
when I made the shifts with you-
Or when I made the shifts in my life,
and I'm gonna show you exactly how to do that in this video.
Now first off, what the hell
is a nice guy or a people-pleaser?
And why is that pattern even in place?
Well, let me say that my dad still is to this day,
a very nice guy.
Now, a lot of times, when you see people
talk about nice guys,
they're like, "Oh, he's such a nice guy.
This person is such a nice guy."
But you know what the funny thing about nice guys are?
The people that say, "Oh, he's so nice. Isn't he so nice?"
But a lot of times, they're not attracted to the nice guys.
They say they are.
"Oh, you just need to find yourself a nice guy."
They're not. It is not attractive to be a people pleaser.
It is not attracted to be a nice guy.
It is a coping mechanism that a lot of people have
that are avoiding shame.
They're avoiding that they have this belief deep down.
It says, "I'm broken. There's something wrong with me."
And in order to have people not see that,
they put on the mask.
The mask is, "I'm really, really nice.
I just want you to be happy.
I don't want you to feel any tension whatsoever."
And people-pleasers-
"I'm gonna please you, because if I please you,
then you're gonna give me an exchange.
Validation. You're gonna give me approval.
You're gonna give me the things
that I feel like I lacked when I was a kid."
So really, what this is about,
is the people-pleaser and the nice guy,
what they really want is they want a lack of tension.
They don't want any tension.
They wanna make everybody happy.
These people are normally also
the glue of the family growing up.
They didn't like the anger
that maybe they witnessed growing up,
so they said, "Okay, I'm gonna be perfect.
I'm gonna get the approval and validation
of my mom or my dad.
I'm gonna be perfect.
Because if I'm perfect, then I'm gonna be loved."
And there's a belief there that says "Love is conditional."
Love is conditional based on you being safe.
"You being just a good boy. You just being a good person.
Just be exactly the way Mommy and Daddy want you to be.
And guess what? I will love you.
I will approve of you. And I will validate you."
That's the energy of people-pleasing and nice guys.
Now, one of the first things you have to do,
and I'm gonna explain my transformation through this process
of become going from the nice guy and people-pleaser,
to me being authentic, me being real, and me just-
I got so much energy back when I started doing this.
And not only that,
that's when I truly became attractive to the feminine,
because before that, I was only really attractive to people
that had a lot of their masculine energy activated.
Reason being is because I had a lot of my own-
I wasn't in my own masculine energy,
I was moreso trying to nurture, trying to nurture everybody.
Now, here is the thing about this whole entire process:
Whatever we define ourselves to be,
how we identify ourselves, we will do everything we can
to remain consistent to the way we identify ourself.
So at a certain point in our past,
we decided, "It is safe for me to be a nice guy.
It is safe for me to be a people-pleaser."
I guess it could also be nice girl,
or people that are nice girls,
where it's like the girl version of a nice guy,
which is also kinda like a people-pleaser.
"It is safe for me to be this way
because then I avoid problems.
I avoid tension. I avoid people getting mad at me."
And then you said, "Okay, I'm a nice guy.
I'm a people pleaser."
Now the interesting thing is
the way out of being the nice guy and the people-pleaser
is making the choice to be vulnerable.
It's making the choice to be the real you.
It's making the choice to actually lean into the tension.
And when you start leaning into the tension,
you start breaking out of the identity.
But the identity, the way you see yourself, wants you
to remain consistent to the nice guy, people-pleaser,
so it's gonna feel kind of weird.
One of the reasons you think, "Oh, I'm the nice guy,
people-pleaser, or nice girl," whatever,
is because you've been being that way for so long
that you think thoughts that are equal
to that version of you.
You feel emotions equal to that version of you,
and you take action equal to that.
And taking action and putting tension
and actually expressing the real you
is gonna feel very uncomfortable
because it's not something you're familiar with.
You're used to not being the real you.
You're used to just being nice, not giving people tension,
you're used to pleasing other people.
Now the key to transformation is one,
becoming aware of that energy,
becoming aware that this was probably a coping mechanism
when you were a kid,
and then making the choice to then be
this new version of you.
Transformation is about realizing that you've been
familiar with this version of you,
become aware of those patterns,
become aware of those energies.
And you'll start to catch yourself when you start doing it.
And then what you do is you start
being this new version of you that is built upon new ideals,
new values, because our values make up our identity.
So the old version of me was very afraid
to set boundaries with people.
The old version of me like would tune to everybody else
and try to get their approval or validation.
The old version of me was afraid to express
my true emotions.
If I was dating someone,
I was afraid to show them, "Hey, I'm attracted to you."
I would be in the friend zone for a very long time
because of that, and it caused a lot of frustration.
And there was a belief there that, "I'm broken.
There's something wrong with me.
I just have this problem."
And it made no sense to some of my friends
'cause some of my friends-
This was up until two years ago.
This only changed about two years ago.
Literally, because before that,
I'd have friends that are like,
"Oh, you have all this YouTube clout
and all these things, but you have problems?
Why would you have problems?
It doesn't even make sense."
And that made me feel even worse.
I'm like, "What is wrong with me?"
What I realized was I had this wall around myself
where I was being not authentic.
I had this wall around my heart in a way
where I didn't want people to-
It was a mechanism that I created of not being vulnerable,
because I didn't want people to see the real me
because I was afraid of getting rejected.
The answer was actually opening my heart,
being vulnerable, expressing the real me.
As I started to do this a year-and-a-half, two years ago,
it completely transformed my life.
Then, if I was dating someone,
I would actually express how I felt.
And then having a girlfriend,
I'm able to actually express how I feel.
It changes everything when you begin to-
But it there's a little lag time in between
where you have this old version of you
where you're gonna have friends that ask you to go out,
and you're normally just gonna try to appease them.
"Yeah, I'll go out even though it's gonna screw up
my whole day tomorrow and I don't really want to,
but I don't want you to disapprove me."
You'll catch yourself and you know what,
"Actually, if they don't like the fact that
I'm not going out, that's their stuff to deal with.
Not mine."
You stop tuning to other people to look for validation.
That's also nice guy, people-pleaser,
tuning to other people to feel validated, to feel loved,
and to feel support.
That's what's been happening.
And what that's really goes down to is as a kid,
you had to please your parent,
you'd please someone else in your family,
you had to be the glue in your family,
and you decided, "It's not safe for me to be me.
It's not safe for me to express myself."
And a lot of times what's happened
is you then abandon yourself
to then make other people happy.
You literally abandoned yourself
and stopped looking and checking in with you.
And what this is really about,
it's about looking at that abandonment wound
and in making the choice to stop abandoning yourself.
Stop doing what everyone else wants you to do,
start doing what you wanna do.
And when you stop abandoning yourself,
you'll find that you have more magnetic energy.
People respect you more. It changes everything.
But you have to understand
when there's something that you're doing in your life,
you have to be able to delineate
what is the real you versus what is the BS you
that's the coping mechanism,
that's trying to please your parents.
So really you attract these people into your life
that you're trying to please,
you're trying to prove yourself to,
because you didn't get that loop closed in childhood,
and there's still active energy, needy energy,
codependent energy on the inside
that's seeking that validation or approval.
The key is to become aware of that energy
and to make the choice to live according to your own ideals,
your own integrity, and to open up your heart.
And to do that requires making the choice.
It requires also looking at the pain
because a lot of nice guys and people-pleasers,
they think this is still working for them when it's not.
I've talked to my dad about this many times
and I can just tell he kind of likes being known
as the "nice guy."
The nice guy though attracted my ex-stepmom,
who's a narcissist.
And my dad-
Definitely the biggest stress in my dad's life
has been my ex-stepmom,
because even after the divorce when I was 15 years old,
he still had to deal with her because he has
my two half sisters are with her or with my dad's ex-wife,
who that's their real mom.
So he's had to deal with her a lot
because the nice guy tends to attract people
that have a very strong frame, even a narcissistic frame.
If you've ever felt like you're a magnet for narcissists,
or people that control you,
it's because at a deep down level,
you feel safe when you're around other people
that have a strong frame
because you haven't activated that frame within yourself.
Your own sense of reality, living by your own integrity,
being vulnerable, and expressing the real you,
these are all things that transform
as you begin making the choice.
And for a lot of spiritual people-
I've noticed there's a lot of spiritual people
that are very empathic.
And when people are empathic-
Here's the idea that I have around people being empathic,
by the way.
So what happens with people being empathic
is people that are empaths,
what happened is at a certain point in your childhood,
there was a feeling of not feeling safe.
And you didn't feel safe in your own body,
so what you did is you moved your energy
from inside of your body
and you started tuning to your third eye,
and you started connecting to everybody else
in your environment to ask yourself the question,
"Is it safe? Am I safe?
Am I safe?"
And you'd say, "Okay, how does Mom want me to be?
How does Dad want me to be?
How does my family want me to be?
How do I be so that I can create safety?"
And your idea of safety is anything that's not tension,
because when Mom or Dad got mad?
"Holy shit, I feel bad. I'm not approved.
I'm not validated.
When Mom gets mad that I don't get straight A's,
I'm not validated because love is conditional."
And the thing to understand about this
is that then you moved all your energy into your third eye
and you're tuning to everywhere else.
But guess what happens as you're tuning to everywhere else?
As you're tuning to everywhere else,
you're not safe in your own body.
You start abandoning yourself
because then your sense of safety comes
from adding value to everybody else,
or making sure everybody else is good.
So then you start dating people,
that where you're just pleasing them, they don't mind.
They like it in a way, but you're like their servant.
You're like the cameo in their movie.
Being a nice guy or a people-pleaser
means you are a cameo in someone else's movie.
And one of the things and the solution
to being the nice guy and the people-pleaser is for you
to actually become more in your own frame of reality.
It's for you to stop abandoning yourself
to make others happy,
and it's for you to start living in integrity
with your own vulnerability, with showing the real you.
Expressing how you really feel.
Setting boundaries with other people
knowing that if they get mad, that's their shit, not yours.
And at the same time, it means that if there's someone
you're attracted to,
nice guy, people-pleasers don't wanna get rejected.
so they're not gonna show
that they're actually sexually attracted to someone else.
What you wanna do is you wanna
actually go up to someone else,
if you're single, of course,
and then show that you have interest.
If you're dating someone else
then actually express your emotions,
because there's this safety mechanism that's in place
that keeps you from being vulnerable,
but it's also inauthentic because being a nice guy
or a people-pleaser is manipulative.
And saying, "I'm gonna give you this kind of energy.
I'm gonna be nice to you. I'm gonna please you.
And you're gonna give me in exchange,
validation, love, and support."
And what you're trying to do
is close the loop from childhood.
So one of the most powerful things you could do
is actually pull your energy back,
and instead of focusing on pleasing,
instead of focusing on transaction, focus on being.
Focus on being the real you.
Focus on expressing your real heart.
Focus on showing your real desires,
knowing that if somebody else rejects it,
if you set boundaries and they say,
"Screw you, you're setting boundaries to me.
You've never done this before."
That's their shit, not yours.
It doesn't mean you're not worthy, you're not good enough.
If you express to someone else your true emotions,
you're like, "Hey, I'm having feelings for you,"
or "I like you like this."
And they don't like it, it's okay.
It doesn't mean you're not worthy.
It means you're expressing the real you
and you're doing it because it's who you are,
not because you're people-pleaser
trying to get something out of them.
You're being present to the moment.
You can have fun with the process as well,
which makes it a lot easier,
but you don't have to internalize all these things
because what this really comes down to is a level of shame.
"I'm broken.
I believe I'm broken because I believed that
when I was a kid."
And it's understanding you're not broken.
There's nothing wrong with you.
If your mom or your dad as a kid,
if your mom or your dad as a kid left emotionally,
physically, or however, it's not because you weren't worthy.
If your parents divorced when you're a kid,
it's wasn't your fault.
There's nothing wrong with you.
As kids, we make these meanings.
We then say, "It's not safe for me to be in my body."
The key is to actually bring your energy
more into your body, out of your third eye,
tuning to everyone else, into your body and start saying,
"How do I feel?"
You will have magnetic energy if you do this.
Put the energy in your hands, put the energy in your feet.
Watch how much begins to change from simply
activating this energy inside of yourself.
Now, if you haven't checked it out yet,
I have an inner child meditation
that will completely transform your life.
You'll go to the core,
and it's a worthiness meditation's really what it is.
So you get in life a reflection
of what you believe you deserve.
If you haven't downloaded and listened for 21 days
to my inner child meditation,
it's my most powerful meditation.
You can click the link below
or go to aarondoughty.com/meditation.
There's the inner child meditation,
the attract love meditation
and that of the self-image meditation.
So you can completely transform your identity
from the inside out.
They're completely free.
Download those meditations,
watch how much they transform your life
over the course of 21 days.
And then also if you want a video
that will help you to cure the codependency,
tuning to other people's frame,
the most powerful video I have ever created
on this concept that will help you
is this video right here.
In this episode, I'm gonna be showing you
the cure to codependency: how to never be needy again.
I'm gonna share with you also my journey
through this process,
what I've learned about the inner child,
how you can heal this process,
how you can be in your own frame.
This also is directly related.