We live in real rough times.
You’re at the 7-11 and two classic suitcases of cheap liquid trash are standouts.
Over the years you’ve responded favorably to advertising campaigns from both brands
that market shirtless front yard mechanic beer, to the art punk-hop culture and the
Jack Black lifestyle crowds.
And I’m proud to say you’ve blossomed into a little of both- you know but not enough
that any of those groups would claim you.
But since you’ve only got the money for one, you’re trying to remember which tastes
the least like a boiled corn cob floating in a slightly cooler than room temperature
bucket of pool water.
Not that you couldn’t suck it up if you were only down to the Keystone.
Was that a spoiler?
Anyway let’s do some beer science and find out viewers.
First off one of the first things I notice is that visually one can looks mostly blue
and the other looks mostly white.
Just squint your eyes, and you’ll begin to see what I mean.
Now part of the reason I personally go to these two beers often isn’t quite their
great taste, or a deep resonating sadness, but they are both light drinking.
Keystone gives you a smooth 4.1 alcohols by V and PBR gives 4.8 of those.
In laymen’s terms those couch cushions start looking good by 7 PBRs or 8 and a half keystones.
Hopefully the math is right there.
Well you ain’t turning into a miserable son of a bitch by just looking at em.
Let’s pour.
Remember to choose your glasses carefully.
Plenty of water spots, fragments of dishwashing pods, and greasy fingerprints all add to the
flavor profile.
First the keystone.
According to Wikipedia, Keystone is a relative newcomer to the local drunk tank, it was invented
in 1989 by Coors.
This beer pours the golden color of straw, and the head is whatever you make of it.
Savor this, it’s one of the few times you’ll ever see it out of the can.
Now the PBR.
The Pabst Brewing Company Owned in a Partnership between a dude named Eugene Kashper and TSG
Consumer Partners, one of the good guy LLCS and not the one you hide you jet and the Wyoming
Ranch in to avoid paying taxes like the commoners.
Much like the Keystone this one is also a yellow beer, that gets foamy if you don’t
know how to pour beers.
Clear and yellow and free of any visible contaminants or heavy metals- if it was good enough for
the livers of our asshole dads and uncles, it’s good enough for ours.
Now I’ve found it’s important to have a palette cleanser for the nostrils and tastes
buds.
Microwaved little Caesars was the obvious choice.
For safety make sure it’s less than a week old.
Ok the sniffs are important- we’re going for did the toddler just fart or are you going
to have to change his diaper.
The PBR has notes of watery, corny, and maybe a light pollen like hay fever season.
It contrasts against the slightly metallic hints in the odor of the Keystone over watery
corn.
Unclear if it’s the can or the Little Caesars.
Alright business time.
Don’t worry about me I’ve been fortifying my gut for years.I don’t mean to brag but
I rarely get food poisoning.
The PBR has a mild bitter hoppy taste swimming in the cob water.
Unbuttered corn to be clear.
It’s in there I’m pretty sure.
Does little Caesars have hops?
It’s smooth, and mostly inoffensive.
I remember the beginning of nights fondly that started with PBR and it’s comforting
flat after taste, and a decent headache afterwards.
Now the triple filtered Keystone nothing but the finest for your stomach lining.
I’ll be honest Keystone is something I usually buy in areas like rural North Central Arkansas
where you can’t easily find PBR at every fucking gas station.
Conversely the people featured in the advertising of PBR are also not readily available in Northern
Arkansas.
I’m ready to block anyone below who tells me a specific gas station it’s available.
I can’t find it at the Harp’s in Bull Shoals ok???
Which beer.
Oh Keystone.
If you’ve ever drank pool water, it’s the more “that experience” of the two.
While they are not entirely dissimilar I’d reckon if you find yourself double fisting
them, the PBR may be the fist you visit more often.
The Keystone kind of takes on the flavor of the cans it’s housed in, which is a good
thing folks- The Molson Coors Beverage company has really perfected the sweetish corn malts
and lightly bitter metallic flavor of Keystone Light.
Sweet-ISH.
Maybe a little Less hops overall than the PBR - doesn’t seem possible but it is.
They’re there, but about as much as a step dad who drinks Keystone.
The rule of thumb is the longer it warms on the coffee table, the more flavorful it becomes.
One of the things about adjunct or yellow beer or the piss lagers here is that once
you drink your first sip, the flavor mostly leaves in a fleeting moment.
You wonder was it ever there?
Will you have to settle for drinking 30 cans forever?
Or will technology improve to the point where you can allow a gallon of pressurized fluid
to slosh around in a plastic bladder as it warms in the sun.
I don’t want a mini keg, I want box beer.
If you like the sort of bar simulating content where an unkept drunk white man talks at you
uninterrupted for what feels like an hour, make sure you buy one of my horribly designed
teeshirts.
Not only does it keep the engine cylinders cleaner, it helps paint stick better, and
it’s actually beneficial to your health in small doses.
Say Hi to the Patrons, who provide me beer money.
Are they drunk right now I don’t know?
If they want to make me proud they are.
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Maybe you prefer Keystone, and leave a compelling argument in the comments explaining why everyone
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Thanks for watching!