- All right, let's kick it off with the good news first.
(jazzy electronic music)
Although Spain and Italy are still reporting
more than 10,000 new infections each day,
their corona numbers are finally slowing down
which could be a sign that the worst has passed.
And South Korea, they're superstars.
They've reported only 47 new cases yesterday.
And with fewer than 200 deaths
out of a population of 51 million people,
South Korea has basically emerged as maybe the only nation
to have handled the pandemic with near complete success.
And I mean let's be honest,
South Korea was always gonna beat corona
because from what I can tell, everyone in that country
has a basement inside their basement.
So I mean, if you're the virus,
good luck finding a South Korean person.
But maybe the best news of all
is that there are rumors that Netflix
might be dropping a new episode of "Tiger King," people.
That's right.
Jeff Lowe told a fan online that he had been filmed
for a new episode scheduled to drop this week!
Yeah.
And when has Jeff Lowe ever lied?
I mean, if you can't trust a 65 year old man
who dresses like a rebellious teenager,
who can you trust?
And I guess this is how low the bar has gotten
for what counts as good news right now.
We find out there's more episodes about deranged murderers
and people being cruel to animals and we're like, "Yes!
"Oh, some good news.
"Thank you, Lord."
And I'm gonna be honest, guys.
I am terrified of this news.
Because every episode of "Tiger King"
has been crazier than the previous episode,
so what's gonna happen in this new episode?
Are we gonna find out Carole Baskin and her husband
faked his death to get the insurance money
and he's been secretly living inside
one of those tigers all along?
Ah!
So many people in India are quarantined in their homes
that for the first time in a long time
you can actually see the real color of the sky.
And this has happened
in some of the most heavily polluted areas of New Delhi,
where there was just smog every single day.
And one of the images that's been going viral is this one
that came out of New Delhi which shows the before and after
of 1.3 billion people staying at home.
And that's amazing, right?
Just look at how beautiful
New Delhi is without any pollution.
It looks like the entire city went on "Queer Eye."
"You're been hiding yourself under so many layers of smog.
"You've gotta let yourself shine, girl."
I mean, god damn, those are some blue skies.
I bet India probably even forgot
there was a time where skies weren't gray.
It's the same way America forgot there was a time
when presidents weren't orange.
Yeah, they used to be brown.
And it's not just the environment.
With humans locked away,
animals are also starting to flourish.
Here's some good news coming out of Hong Kong.
A zoo, which has been trying unsuccessfully
to get its pandas to mate for 10 years
reported that finally yesterday
the pandas spontaneously started having sex.
And the researchers say they think
it's because nobody is at the zoo.
And I'm like, yeah, I don't need to be a researcher
to know that's what's happening.
Of course the pandas are having sex now that nobody's there.
How do you think you would react if every day
hundreds of people came to your bedroom window
like, "Come on!
"Have sex!
"Do it!
"Come on, have sex!
"Do it, do, put it in!"
So I don't blame the pandas.
I mean, like, even when I have one person
watching me during sex, I'm like,
"Hey, can you look the other way?
"I'm just getting, yeah, I'm just real self-conscious.
"Would you mind looking, look the other way.
"It's a lot of pressure."
This just makes you realize
that when we're telling our grandkids
about coronavirus years from now,
the animals are gonna be telling
a completely different story.
"Grandma, tell us about the coronavirus."
"Oh, little ones, it was a wonderful time.
"There were no humans and your grandpa was smashing me
"like there was no tomorrow."
So good news for those pandas.
Although the bad news is now that nobody's watching,
the monkeys have all stopped having sex.
Now those guys are freaky.
Now, please don't get me wrong,
corona's also bringing out some of the best in humanity.
- Lifting spirits during this tough time
is a real superhero.
Batman is hitting the streets of San Diego.
- [Reporter] By day, Chris Banner runs a lawn service,
helping cut weeds and fire lines on people's property.
But when duty calls,
(Batsignal hails)
he suits up.
He's go the Batsuit and he's got the wheels,
a replica 1989 Batmobile that he and a friend built.
Normally, Chris gets paid to make appearances
at birthday parties and other special occasions.
But while the pandemic goes on,
he decided to just hit the road and make people smile.
- Aw.
That is such a sweet idea, man.
That guy's a hero.
I just hope he never started talking like Batman,
'cause would've freaked people out.
"Yay, it's Batman!"
"That's right, kids, it's me."
"Whoa, is that coronavirus?
"Get away, dude, get away!"
"No, this is just how I."
"Well, this is not the time.
"Just use your normal voice, man.
"What's wrong with you?"
"Yeah, you're right, I should."
"Okay, go back to the other voice.
"That one is not cool."
Jack Dorsey, the founder of Twitter
and world's richest barista,
has announced that he will be donating $1 billion
to help fight the coronavirus.
That's 28% of his wealth.
Yeah.
And that's amazing.
Using your money to fight coronavirus.
And what better person to fight a thing
that's poisoning society
than the inventor of a thing that's poisoning society.
No, I'm just being a hater, man.
This is incredible.
Like, for real.
It's incredible because it's generous,
it's a powerful gesture at a moment like this,
and it's also throwing shade,
so much shade at Mark Zuckerberg and Jeff Bezos.
Because they also donated money,
but they donated way, way less than Dorsey
and they've got way, way more money than Dorsey.
He donated, like, 30% of his net worth
and they donated less than 1/2 a percent of their net worth.
It's like if the check at a restaurant came
and everyone else tips five bucks
and then you buy the waiter a Lamborghini.
That's basically what Dorsey did right here.
"Yeah, yeah, thanks, the service was great.
"Oh, my friends?
"Yeah, they're just cheap bitches.
"You know how it is."
Now look, not everyone has a billion dollars
which is why people around the world have found
all sorts of ways to try
and stop the spread of this disease.
For instance, you know how we're all stressed
about making sure that we keep six feet
between ourselves and other people when we're out in public?
Well, some amateur inventors
have come up with their own novel solutions.
- [Reporter] This man's wacky social distancing device
is going viral.
He designed his contraption out of tent poles and duct tape
in order to know exactly how far away six feet is.
- Okay, that is a super smart idea.
But I will say it could've been a lot easier.
I mean, it's cool to have the disc and everything,
but all you have to do to keep people from coming near you
is just carry a clipboard.
Yeah, and then you just ask people
if they have a few minutes to save the environment
and everyone will stay at least six feet away.
And keeping people six feet away from you is a great idea
until you need to get close to some people
because they're delivering your food.
So how do you solve that problem?
Well, two heroes in Missouri, they totally figured it out.
- [Reporter] A woman in Missouri
is taking no-contact delivery to the next level.
This is video from TikTok user Tracey.
She and her roommate set up a pulley system
to get their pizza without ever having to open their door.
They did it all using a box and some heavy duty yarn.
They just put the cash in the box and they lowered it.
- Tell me that is not genius.
Like, what else were they gonna do?
The only other solution would've been
to just have the delivery person leave the food at the door
and then wait 15 seconds for them to leave,
but there's no fun in that.
And what an emotional rollercoaster
this must've been for that pizza, hmm?
You don't think about that.
One minute the pizza was in there all happy like,
"It's happening!
"I'm going to Heaven, I can feel it.
"I'm floating.
"I'm, no!
"Why is she eating me?
"Ah!
"This is the bad place!"
Now I know what you're thinking,
"Trevor, how am I gonna work off all of this pizza
"that I keep ordering at home if I can't get to the gym?"
Well, here's a question.
Why make it to the gym
when you can have the gym make it to you?
- One man not letting his gym closing down
keep him from getting in a good workout.
So he turned to nature.
- [Woman] Yeah, Zachary Skidmore got a chainsaw out
and went to work.
Built himself what he's calling the Lumberjack Gym
out of logs from his farm.
The lumberjacked gym includes a bench press, squat rack,
leg press, dumb bells, yes, even a treadmill,
and it's all made out of wood.
(hands clapping slowly)
- That is impressive.
Because if I built a gym out of a forest,
I wouldn't have energy to work out
because I just built a gym out of a forest.
And this guy's attention to detail is truly impressive.
Did you see all the pieces?
He's got the bench, he's got the leg press,
he's go the squat machine,
he's got everything you would find in the gym.
Yeah, he even made the old man in the locker room
who refuses to cover up his balls.
Yeah, that was really intricate.
Like, the detail around the testicles.
That's a lot of wood chipping right there, my friends.
Also, this is a great idea
until the animals discover this forest gym
because our one saving grace as humans
is that animals don't really work out.
Can you imagine when the bears discover this and get jacked?
It's over for us.
With people no longer able to go out
to their favorite restaurants,
some restaurants are helping people restaurant at home.
Yeah, they're helping people
create the experience themselves.
Like yesterday, Waffle House began selling
bags of its signature waffle mix for $20
and they were completely sold out in four hours.
And I think this is a great idea.
In fact, I hope all fast food chains give us the ingredients
to mimic the experience of eating there.
You know, they should just tell us how they do it
so we can do it for ourselves.
Like Popeyes, they can teach you
how to make their Spicy Chicken Sandwich
or Chick-fil-A, they can show you how to use pickles
to hate gay people.
And White Castle can teach you
how to beat yourself up in a parking lot.
In more good news, coronavirus is now shutting down wars.
Yes.
Saudi Arabia has announced
that they will stop bombing Yemen,
one of the world's poorest countries,
and they say they're gonna do this
in an effort to stop the spread of coronavirus there.
And this is so inspiring right now
because Saudi Arabia is basically like,
"Let us work together to kill this virus
"so that we can go back to killing each other.
"Because otherwise the virus wins, my friends.
"Do you agree?"
"Why don't you just not kill me?"
"Hey, hey, hey, hey.
"Do you agree or not?"
"Yeah okay, I guess so."
Speaking of winning, back here in the United States
Dr. Anthony Fauci, lead member
of the White House Coronavirus Task Force,
and hottest doctor since McDreamy,
has announced that thanks to social distancing,
extreme social distancing,
the US is starting to see some glimmers of hope.
And he also said that the country might not reach
the 100,000 deaths as originally projected.
This is amazing news.
But, he cautioned everybody to take this as a sign
that official warnings have been effective,
but not that they were overblown.
Or as he put it, "Now is not the time to pull back at all.
"It's a time for us to intensify our efforts."
And I completely hear what Dr. Fauci is saying.
Fighting coronavirus is a lot like having sex.
When you're close to achieving your goal,
that's not the time to pull back.
"I'm almost there, I'm almost there.
"I'm, wait, why are you stopping?
"Well, you said you were almost there,
"so I figure we can go back outside."
"What?"
(jazzy electronic music)