I've only ever reviewed video games, so I can't speak with any authority on...other
products.
Like, I don't know if it's the same way with kitchen appliances, but in video games...most
video games are pretty f*cking bad.
Seriously.
Just awful.
And it's, like, the 10 or 15 percent that are actually exceptionally good that keep
everyone interested.
Which sounds okay.
But if you think about it, it's like...if that's how kitchen appliances worked, people's
houses would burn down.
With games, no one cares.
But what really happens is...people end up buying stuff like this.
My Baby Pet Hotel 3D or a kitchen fire.
You decide what's worse.
This thing comes from the same team that gave us My Little Baby 3D.
My Baby Pet Hotel 3D is actually a step up in quality from that other game, which says
a lot more about that other game than this one.
This one is still pretty bad.
And worse, it's just...it's actually stunning how little sense it makes.
It's exceptionally inexplicable.
It's so confusing and uninteresting, it's actually fascinating.
No clue.
So obviously, it's a pet game.
You run this pet hotel, people bring their pets, you ostensibly take care of them.
There's a tutorial, but...it is just page after page of text.
And keep in mind, this is a game for kids.
And if there's one things kids are good at, it's reading 37 pages to learn how to play
a video game.
So, inexplicable decision number one.
Making a children's pet game confusing enough to warrant a tutorial novel.
But therein lies another problem.
All that text, and you still don't know what to do.
Or where the game actually starts.
It never tells you.
You know what, maybe it does...and I just started at the screen for 30 minutes.
I don't know, that's entirely possible.
But it's all written so...oddly.
Like, the wording is about as unclear as it could possibly be.
Almost as if it was written to deter criminals.
Nope.
Just children.
Same thing, really.
Anyway, fortunately, things started happening.
I figured out how to play.
Easier said than done.
So your pet hotel is this little town, almost.
And it's, like, a 3D place.
So much so that you're able to walk around there.
The top screen shows your character walking around, and the bottom has the map, with all
the icons of things you can do.
Inexplicable decision number two.
The whole top part?
Completely unnecessary.
Why can't I just tap the icons?
There's no reason to walk around.
It's just an interactive map, is all it is.
Which artificially lengthens the game.
You can't just tap the store.
You have to walk there, and then tap it.
And then, to actually play with your animals...get this.
You have to walk to the house for the appropriate animal, because each one has a different house.
Then you can tap the icon and go in, because simply tapping it from anywhere would be too
simple.
Then you have to tap the pet to select it—and with the poor touch recognition, good luck.
And then, for some reason, even though the entire game is touch based...you press A to
bring up a pet menu.
And from there, you can actually play with your pets.
This is a game for children.
Who are notoriously patient and attentive.
I mean, I guess there's details to discuss, but...I'm not sure there's a point.
There are five species to take care of, and you can pet them and bathe them and feed them
and teach them tricks.
Because who doesn't teach their guinea pig how to jump.
Oh, and feeding them?
Yeah, you actually have to buy the ingredients and mix certain foods to create meals, which
is a separate little confusing minigame in itself.
And that's the problem with My Baby Pet Hotel 3D.
It's not badly made at all.
It's just...the design is so confusing and needlessly complicated, even I couldn't figure
out what to do.
And contrary to reports, I am not a 13-year-old girl.
I stopped buying Lady Gaga records, like, months ago.
It's My Baby Pet Hotel 3D.