More than 1,500 years before the reign of Elizabeth I of England, Cleopatra proved that
women were capable of ruling nations, and that they could do it with intelligence, grace,
and sometimes brutality.
But much of what we know about the queen of the Nile comes from history that has been
fictionalized, re-fictionalized, and then fictionalized some more, so much that the
made-up stuff is sometimes better-known than the facts and the facts themselves are kind
of surprising.
"Weak, am I?"
"She knows how to beat her slaves well enough.
But she cannot throw away that pipe, and she knows it."
Not from around here
If someone asked you to name an Egyptian from ancient history, it would probably be a toss-up
between King Tut and Cleopatra.
For many people, these are the two historical figures that embody ancient Egypt gilded,
eye-linered, and walking around their luxurious palaces with their hands at 90-degree angles
like in that Bangles song from the '80s.
But here's a funny thing: One of those two people was not actually Egyptian.
"You've gotta be f------ kidding."
We're not!
According to History of Macedonia, Cleopatra was a member of the Ptolemaic Dynasty, which
was descended from Alexander the Great's general, a man named Ptolemy of Lagus.
That means they not only had Greek ancestry, they spoke Greek and followed Greek customs,
too.
The Ptolemys ruled Egypt for 300 years after the nation was handed over to Ptolemy following
Alexander's passing in 323 B.C.
So how did Egypt wind up in the hands of a bunch of helmet-wearing dudes from another
continent?
They conquered it, which was what the ancient Greeks often did whenever they got bored.
Keeping it in the family
Inbreeding, as it turns out, is not just for nasty Lannister Queens and Deliverance characters.
It was practiced to some degree in pretty much every royal family from Europe to the
Middle East, but the Egyptians practically turned it into a competitive sport.
In Egyptian mythology, the god Osiris married his sister Isis in order to maintain the purity
of the royal bloodline.
They were gods, so presumably genetic disorders weren't really a problem for them.
Unfortunately for the Egyptian pharaohs, who saw the Egyptian gods as awesome role models,
genetic disorders were a problem for mortals.
Anyway, when the Ptolemys rose to power they were all, "Hey, this inbreeding thing sounds
like a great idea!"
So by the time that got down to Cleopatra a few hundred years later, she was a genetic
soup of mish-mashed Ptolemys.
In keeping with their very gross noble family tradition, Cleopatra went on to marry both
of her younger brothers.
Eww.
A beautiful mind
Pretty much every modern and semi-modern depiction of Cleopatra tells us she was stunningly beautiful,
which frankly does seem sort of incompatible with the whole generations of incest thing,
but maybe it was a fluke.
In February 2007 a coin was unearthed bearing a portrait of Cleopatra, which appears to
confirm that the queen was actually rather ordinary-looking.
The fact that ancient historians didn't say much about her looks also suggests she was
no Elizabeth Taylor, but the more important point is that it really doesn't matter.
Life of Antony, written by Plutarch in 75 A.D., made the following observation about
Cleopatra:
"Her actual beauty […] was not so remarkable that none could be compared with her, or that
no one could see her without being struck by it, but the contact of her presence […] was
irresistible.
[…] The character that attended all she said or did was something bewitching."
Turns out, Cleopatra wasn't just a shrewd and charming diplomat, she was also a student
of mathematics, medicine, alchemy, economics, history, geography, and pretty much every
general education subject you probably detested in college.
Oh and she spoke nine languages.
So feel free to bring that up to your snobby hipster friend the next time they try to order
from your favorite sushi spot in Japanese.
Twisted sister
In Egypt it was customary for pharaohs to rule in pairs every regent needed a co-regent
of the opposite gender.
According to LiveScience, Cleopatra ruled with her father Ptolemy the Twelfth for a
short time until his demise in 51 B.C.
In his will, Ptolemy the Twelfth decreed that Cleopatra should marry her 11-year-old brother,
which was probably only a ceremonial thing.
Either way, the two were clearly not fond of each other and the relationship ended with
Ptolemy the Thirteenth trying to wrest control of the throne, and his sister appealing to
Julius Caesar for help reining him in.
"If you ally with my sister, I will kill every last Roman in Alexandria."
"Enough of the big words, little brother."
Caesar and Cleopatra famously became lovers, and Ptolemy the Thirteenth was never happy
with Caesar's decision that he should rule with his sister.
Eventually Caesar defeated Ptolemy at the Battle of the Nile, and Ptolemy drowned in
the river while trying to escape.
So Cleopatra was really only partially responsible for sending her brother to a watery grave.
"But wait there's more!"
Because of the whole "must have a co-regent thing," Cleopatra had to marry her other brother,
who later died under "mysterious circumstances."
In other words, Cleopatra had him poisoned.
Then she ordered the execution of her sister Arsinoe, who took Ptolemy's side during the
family feud and at one point declared herself queen.
In conclusion, Game of Thrones is plagiarized from Cleopatra's diary.
A-scent to greatness
We've already established that Cleopatra was interested in alchemy, but she also understood
a bit of actual chemistry.
She believed in the power of fragrance not just as a cosmetic but also as a tool of persuasion.
According to Perfume Power, Cleopatra doused her ship's sails with perfume before sailing
to her first rendezvous with Mark Antony to make sure that he smelled her before he saw
her.
She also owned a perfume factory, which sort of seems like an odd side job for a queen,
but if you just can't find the sort of mind-control fragrances you need at the Macy's perfume
counter, there's probably some value in just having it done at your own factory.
The ruins of Cleopatra's perfume factory are located near the Dead Sea, and there is evidence
that it also operated as a sort of day spa some seating remains, which is reminiscent
of the chairs you might sit in to have your nails done or if you, too, wanted to be doused
with mind-control fragrances.
Born this way
Many ancient rulers saw themselves as divine, even godlike.
For Cleopatra, the whole ruler-as-divine thing was part ego, part public relations genius.
"It's your universe."
"And you are God."
"I am God."
According to scholar Elizabeth A. McCabe, Cleopatra called herself "the new Isis," telling
her subjects she was the embodiment of Isis on Earth, or the reincarnation of the goddess.
Not to be left out, Mark Antony also claimed to be the embodiment of Osiris on Earth.
Remember the whole Isis marries her brother Osiris thing?
There you go.
Now, that's not to say that Cleopatra was very dedicated to the whole Isis thing.
Prior to that she was known to play whichever goddess happened to suit her.
When she sailed to that first meeting with Mark Antony on her perfumed barge, she was
dressed as the goddess Venus and was waited on by young boys dressed as Cupids and maids
dressed as sea nymphs.
Antony was enamored, to say the least because, who doesn't get all hot and bothered when
their crush shows up for a first date on a perfumed barge dressed as a deity?
Reality bites
One of Cleopatra's most enduring legends has to do not with her life but with her untimely
passing.
According to the story, when Cleopatra learned her forces had been defeated by Octavian Augustus,
who would become the first emperor of Rome, she killed herself by holding a venomous snake
to her breast.
Because historians like to debate things, no one really definitively accepts this account
of Cleopatra's death.
For a start, the story indicates that it only took a few minutes for her to die, but the
venom of that particular kind of Egyptian snake actually takes a few hours to work,
and is even occasionally survivable.
According to the Smithsonian, most historians do agree Cleopatra's death was self-inflicted,
but the method isn't clear.
It's possible she simply drank a bunch of poison, but that story just isn't as dramatic,
which is probably why today most people still think it was a snake.
Got milk?
Like pretty much every human being, Cleopatra had an innate desire to avoid getting older.
"Lines, wrinkles, and those little sunken places?
Not anymore!"
Unfortunately, plastic surgeons were in short supply in first-century B.C. Egypt, and Botox
wouldn't be invented for another couple millennia.
So Cleopatra had to get creative.
According to legend, Cleopatra's daily bath required a tub and 700 lactating donkeys.
You heard that right!
According to The Vintage News, all over the ancient world, women used donkey milk to keep
their skin pale and to keep wrinkles at bay.
Emperor Nero's wife was said to travel with "whole troops of she-asses" so she'd never
have to miss her daily donkey-milk bath.
And today, scientists know donkey milk has a lot of important health benefits it can
be used as a cow milk substitute for people with allergies, and yes, it's also used in
modern beauty products, just in case you don't think you'll be able to procure yourself 700
donkeys and enough servants to milk them every day.
A woman scorned
Throughout much of ancient history, women with cheating husbands were just expected
to smile happily and pretend like they weren't feeling totally humiliated.
So imagine what Julius Caesar's wife Calpurnia must have thought when her husband erected
a gilded statue of Cleopatra in the temple of Venus Genetrix, right next to the statue
of the goddess herself.
This was obnoxious on a number of levels, not just because Caesar seemed completely
indifferent to how a very public statue of his mistress would make his wife feel, but
also because the Romans didn't believe their rulers were particularly divine the way the
Egyptians did.
However scandalized the Roman people were by the statue, it remained in the temple for
at least 200 years.
So it's possible the statue had at least some religious significance, probably because of
Cleopatra's association with the goddess Isis, who had her own minor cult following in Rome.
Invasion of the husband-snatchers
Mark Antony might not have his priorities in check.
Why?
Well, He skipped an entire invasion so he could spend the winter with Cleopatra in her
Alexandrian palace that's why.
According to HistoryNet, in 41 B.C. Antony assembled an army and went east, summoning
client-kings in hopes of gathering resources for a Parthian invasion.
One of those client-kings was 28-year-old Cleopatra, who said something to the effect
of, "Let's make love, not war."
Then Antony said something to the effect of, "The invasion can wait" and followed her back
to Alexandria, leaving his army in the hands of his governor.
To make a long story short, the Parthians soon crossed the Euphrates River and everything
pardon our French went to hell.
Meanwhile, Antony's wife Fulvia had to flee Rome after getting her butt kicked by Julius
Caesar's heir Octavian.
It's hard to say which is worse, being attacked by your husband's political rival while he's
off cheating on you with his Egyptian queen mistress, or keeping your mouth shut while
your husband erects a gilded statue of his Egyptian queen mistress.
If Fulvia and Calpurnia had formed a scorned wives club, Roman history could have been
a great CW series.
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