- I think it is by far our best option to get you off,
is having sex, it's the easiest.
I never understand when girls are like,
"No I didn't have sex with him.
"We did everything except sex."
I'm like, "Are you exhausted?
"Why would you do all the hard stuff?
(audience laughing)
"What's in it for you?"
(audience laughing)
Sex at least, if you have sex, it's gonna feel good.
You could come, you know?
(audience laughing)
You won't, probably.
Like most of the time you don't,
but it's like on the table, right?
Our options to get you off just are like, ugh,
are not great, and we have to get you off.
We do, right girls?
You have to get a guy off,
'cause we all learned about blue balls, right?
I grew up in a generation of women who went
through a course similar to the DARE program,
about blue balls, in which we learned,
(audience laughing)
that it is our duty to get you off
if you think you're gonna get off, you know?
If you make a guy hard, you have to see it through,
or you're like a selfish cunt,
(audience laughing)
Why did you make him hard then,
if you didn't wanna make him come?
So, do it, you know?
If you build it, he must come.
You know the rules.
(audience clapping)
Finish what you started, clean plate club.
You get all these, like I will, I will.
And I certainly will, because blue balls is a pain,
it's a severe pain that I could inflict on a man
by not blowing him?
That's so mean.
And the pain apparently,
girls, we can't even understand it.
(audience laughing)
We can't, physiologically our bodies are not made
to understand that kind of pain,
but I can guess the closest we can get is maybe
a spinal fracture, or like a gun shot wound?
That's kind of in that range.
So you go, "Oh my god, I don't wanna make this guy
feel that pain,
this guy that I don't really even like that much,"
so you blow him or you fuck him,
'cause you're like "I don't want you to be in pain,
"here's the antidote."
(audience laughing)
And then you find out it's not a pain,
and that's a bunch of bullshit.
It's not a pain.
It's a feeling, for sure, it's a feeling,
and I will validate that.
It is just like a...
(audience laughing)
I want to, please, I want to.
Mom!
It's not fair!
He got to come.
(screams)
That's it, that's the feeling.
(audience laughing)
Oh, I know, and you can't act that way either,
'cause you're a man, or at least you're dressed like one.
You have to bottle up that intense anger,
and it must be annoying, and I get it,
I've felt that way,
I've not come before, like almost exclusively.
So I understand "cranky clit" or whatever it is to me.
I've felt that frustration, it sucks.
And you feel it as a girl if you don't make a guy come,
and you give him blue balls, or whatever that is,
you feel it the next day.
Like girls, you ever spend the night in a bed with a guy
and not touch his dick?
The next morning the energy will have shifted in the room.
There's just a palpable anger,
that even he's not aware of,
but he's tying his shoes kind of loud,
and you're like, "Ah! Yikes!"
He will have brought you to his place in an Uber Black,
but then you're going home in a Lyft Share.
I mean things have taken a turn.
So you just make guys come,
like you're just like, "Oh I'll make him come,
"'cause I just don't wanna hurt him,
"I don't want them to be mad at me,
"I don't want them to feel bad or sad,
"So I'll just fuckin', here, take a come,
"you can have a come."
I was doling out comes all through my twenties.
I gave away so many comes,
and then I came up with a way to stop giving out comes,
which is I just wouldn't touch their penises,
because if you don't touch their penis,
then you don't have to do anything about it,
that's a trick I learned.
It's like, you touch their hard dick,
it's like inviting a vampire in your house,
like you're obligated to then do something about it.
(swanky upbeat music)