WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
NOW WE ARE LIVE--
THAT'S A LIVE-- THAT'S A LIVE AUDIENCE RIGHT THERE.
IT IS JUST CRACKLING WITH ELECTRICITY IN HERE BECAUSE--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ROLL.
>> Stephen: WE ARE LIVE AFTER THE FIRST TWO OF DEMOCRATIC
PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES.
I'M GOING TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT, IF BILL de BLASIO DOESN'T
INTERRUPT ME.
( LAUGHTER )
WAS THE UNDERCARD, PITTING ELIZABETH WARREN, CORY
BOOKER, AND BETO O'ROURKE AGAINST SEVEN PEOPLE ANGLING FOR
MSNBC SHOWS.
( LAUGHTER )
EXCITING NIGHT, BUT THERE WERE CHALLENGES.
THEY TALKED OVER EACH OTHER, THERE WERE SOME TECHNICAL
DIFFICULTIES, BUT IT WAS AN EXCELLENT DRESS REHEARSAL FOR
TOMORROW'S ACTUAL DEBATE.
( LAUGHTER )
VERY ENTERTAINING.
FINAL PREVIEW.
FINAL PREVIEW, WE CALL THAT ON BROADWAY.
NOW, I TUNED INTO NBC EARLY, AND WHAT I SAW GOT ME REALLY GOT ME
EXCITED ABOUT THE NEW DEBATE FORMAT.
UNFORTUNATELY, THAT WAS ELLEN'S "GAME OF GAMES."
THOUGH, THAT GIANT BOOT WOULD HAVE BEEN WELCOME ANY ONE OF
BILL de BLASIO'S INTERRUPTIONS.
NOW, THE BIGGEST EARLY MOMENT WAS A LINGUISTIC SURPRISE FROM
BETO O'ROURKE.
>> THIS ECONOMY HAS GOT TO WORK FOR EVERYONE, AND RIGHT NOW, WE
KNOW THAT IT ISN'T.
AND IT'S GOING TO TAKE ALL OF US COMING TOGETHER TO MAKE SURE
THAT IT DOES.
(SPEAKING SPANISH) >> Stephen: I'M NOT ENTIRELY
SURE WHY HE FELT HE HAD TO DO THAT.
HE'S EITHER TRYING TO LOCK UP THE HISPANIC VOTE OR RUNNING FOR
"EMBARRASSING DAD AT A MEXICAN RESTAURANT."
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
HERE'S THE CRAZY THING: WHEN BETO WAS HABLAING THE ESPANOL,
THIS IS TRUE-- IN THE CLOSED CAPTIONING, IT
JUST SAID "SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE."
I REALLY LIKE THAT!
REALLY GOT THROUGH!
REALLY PENETRATED!
"FOREIGN LANGUAGE?" CAN WE GET A LOOK AT NBC'S
CLOSED CAPTIONING GUY?
YEAH, MAKES SENSE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND CORY BOOKER WAS NOT HAVING IT.
CHECK OUT THE SIDE-EYE HE GAVE BETO.
DAMN!
THAT WAS GOING TO BE MY THING.
BUT THE MODERATORS WEREN'T READY TO TAKE "SPEAKS FOREIGN
LANGUAGE" AS AN ANSWER.
>> THAT'S TIME, SIR.
I'LL GIVE YOU TEN SECONDS TO ANSWER IF YOU WANT TO ANSWER THE
DIRECT QUESTION "WOULD YOU SUPPORT A 70% INDIVIDUAL
MARGINAL TAX RATE?" YES, NO, OR PASS?
>> Stephen: (AS BETO) UM...
"NO HABLO INGLES."
( LAUGHTER )
HAD A CHANCE TO SPEAK.
>> YOU KNOW, I GREW UP WITH A MOTHER WHO RAISED MY BROTHER,
JOAQUIN, AND ME AS A SINGLE PARENT.
AND I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE...
>> Stephen: (AS CASTRO) "... TO ACTUALLY SPEAK SPANISH."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MARYLAND HAD A CHANCE FOR A REBUTTAL.
>> CONGRESSMAN DELANEY, DO YOU AGREE?
>> Stephen: AND, CONGRESSMAN, KEEP IN MIND, THIS IS THE ONLY
TIME WE WILL BE CALLING ON YOU.
SO IF YOU SPEAK SPANISH, OR EVEN PIG LATIN, I WOULD EAK-SPAY
IT-YAY OW-NAY."
( LAUGHTER )
THE CROWD.
>> YOU KNOW, I'M VERY DIFFERENT THAN EVERYONE ELSE HERE ON THE
STAGE.
>> Stephen: (AS DELANEY) "UNLIKE THE OTHERS, I'M JUST
DOING THIS ON A DARE FROM MY BROTHER-IN-LAW.
JOKE'S ON YOU, RICK!
PAY UP!
I'M ON STAIN."
WASHINGTON GOVERNOR JAY INSLEE SPOKE ABOUT THE MASSIVE WEALTH
GAP FOR AMERICAN WORKERS.
>> IT ISS NOT RIGHT THAT THE C.E.O. OF McDONALD'S MAKES
2,100 TIMES MORE THAN THE PEOPLE SLINGING HASH AT McDONALD'S.
>> Stephen: (AS INSLEE) "YOU KNOW, THE WORKERS SLINGING
HASH ON THE FLAT-TOP, WITH TWO SUNNY-SIDES ON RYE.
HI, I'M JAY INSLEE, AND I HAVE NEVER STEPPED INSIDE A
McDONALDS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AMY KLOBUCHAR TRIED TO SET HERSELF APART FROM TRUMP.
>> THE PRESIDENT LITERALLY WENT ON TV, ON FOX, AND SAID THAT
PEOPLE'S HEADS WOULD SPIN WHEN THEY'D SEE HOW MUCH HE WOULD
BRING DOWN PHARMACEUTICAL PRICES.
INSTEAD, 2,500 DRUGS HAVE GONE UP IN DOUBLE DIGITS SINCE HE
CAME INTO OFFICE.
INSTEAD, HE GAVE $100 BILLION IN GIVEAWAYS TO THE PHARMA
COMPANIES.
FOR THE REST OF US, FOR THE REST OF AMERICA, THAT'S WHAT WE CALL
AT HOME "ALL FOAM AND NO BEER."
>> Stephen: IF THAT'S A METAPHOR YOU FREQUENTLY USE, SENATOR,
THEN, AS WE SAY BACK IN SOUTH CAROLINA, "I'M A SHRIMP SANDWICH
IN A THUNDERSTORM."
( LAUGHTER )
CAME TO THE SUBJECT OF HEALTH CARE.
>> TO STAY THE WAY IT IS, BECAUSE IT'S NOT WORKING FOR
FAMILIES, BUT IT SURE AS HECK IS WORKING FOR--
IT'S TIME FOR US TO MAKE FAMILIES COME FIRST.
>> GOVERNOR INSLEE?
>> IT SHOULD NOT BE AN OPTION IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA FOR
ANY INSURANCE COMPANY TO DENY A WOMAN COVERAGE FOR THEIR
EXERCISE OF THEIR RIGHT OF CHOICE.
>> Stephen: NOTHING LIKE INTERRUPTING A WOMAN TO TELL
EVERYONE THAT YOU CARE ABOUT THE RIGHTS OF WOMEN.
THANK YOU, GOVERNOR.
THANK YOU!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ABOUT 35 MINUTES INTO THE DEBATE, AS THE CANDIDATES WERE
TALKING ABOUT THE TRAGEDY AT THE BORDER, TRUMP FINALLY WEIGHED
IN TWEETING, "BORING!" "HUMANITARIAN CATASTROPHES THAT
I DIRECTLY CAUSED?
BEEN THERE.
LITERALLY DONE THAT!" AND WHEN THE TOPIC TURNED TO THE
BORDER CRISIS, BOOKER TOOK BETO'S SPANISH AND RAISED
HIM MUCHO MAS.
( SPEAKING SPANISH ) >> Stephen: OH, SNAP!
IT IS-- IT IS ON!
IT IS ON!
IT IS A ESPANOL-OFF!
OR, AS THEY SAY IT IN SPANISH, "GRUPO DE IDIOTAS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I DON'T-- I DON'T SPEAK "FOREIGN LANGUAGE."
BY THE WAY, GUYS, THERE'S SO MUCH SPANISH ON STAGE, ICE IS
CLOSING IN.
GET OUT OF THERE!
THEN, TELEMUNDO ANCHOR JOSE BALART CALLED BETO ON HIS
LOS TALKING POINTS.
( SPEAKING SPANISH ) >> Stephen: (AS BETO)
"... UH, THAT WAS NOT ONE OF THE PHRASES I MEMORIZED, SIR.
YOU ARE SPEAKING-- YOU ARE SPEAKING A FOREIGN LANGUAGE, I
BELIEVE."
>> IF YOU GO TO GUANTANAMO BAY, THERE ARE TERRORISTS THAT ARE
HELD THAT GET BETTER HEALTH CARE THAN THOSE KIDS THAT HAVE TRIED
TO CROSS THE BORDER INTO THE UNITED STATES.
>> Stephen: YES, LET'S SEND THOSE KIDS TO GUANTANAMO BAY!
WAIT, NO.
I TAKE THAT BACK!
TWO NEW MODERATORS TOOK OVER AT HALF TIME RACHEL MADDOW AND
CHUCK TODD, WHICH RAWZED THE QUESTION:
IS IT POSSIBLE THIS DEBATE WILL HAVE MORE HOSTS THAN
CANDIDATES?
THEN COMPLETE AND UTTER CHAOS.
MANY OF YOU ARE CALLING FOR A RESTORATION OF AN ASSAULT
WEAPONS BAN.
BUT EVEN IF-- >> EVERYBODY'S MICS ARE ON.
I THINK WE HAVE-- A-- I HEARD THAT, TOO.
I THINK WE HAVE A MIC ISSUE IN THE BACK.
WE HAVE THE AUDIENCE AUDIO.
>> Stephen: I'M SORRY, AS I WAS SAYING, OBVIOUSLY, THIS IS A
DEEPLY SENSITIVE AND TRAGIC ISSUE, AND NOW IT APPEARS THAT A
BURCH OF SPRAY DOGS HAVE WANDERED ON TO THE STAGE.
THE DOGS ARE NOW HUMPING BILL de BLASIO'S LEG.
CONTROL ROOM!
WE'RE HEARING THE HUMPING!
CAN WE TURN OFF THE MIC THAT WE FOR SOME REASON PUT ON BILL de
BLASIO'S LEG?
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
BUT DHAI GOT THAT FIXED AND THEY KEPT GOING, BUT NOT REALLY.
>> BUT, EVEN IF IT'S PUT IN PLACE THERE ARE STILL GOING TO
BE PERHAPS HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF GUNS STILL ON THE STREETS.
IS THERE A ROLE FOR THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN ORDER TO-- TO PLAY
IN ORDER TO GET THESE GUNS OFF THE STREETS?
( SPEAKING IN BACKGROUND ).
>> WHAT'S HAPPENING?
>> WE ARE HEARING OUR COLLEAGUES' AUDIO.
IF THE CONTROL ROOM COULD TURN OFF THE MICS.
YEAH, IF THE CONTROL ROOM COULD TURN OFF THE MICS OF OUR
PREVIOUS MODERATORS.
( LAUGHTER )
EVERYTHING.
>> GUESS WHAT, GUYS.
>> WE DID NOT PREPARE FOR THIS.
>> Stephen: WOW, THAT IS REALLY EMBARRASSING TO HAVE A
LIVE SHOW WHERE YOU DON'T KNOW WHOSE MICS ARE ON WHOSE MICS ARE
OFF ( SPEAKING IN BACKGROUND )
PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT THE THING YOU'RE TRYING TO ASK
QUESTIONS ABOUT THE ENTIRE TIME THAT YOU'RE TALK.
PEOPLE BEHIND YOU ARE JUST TALKING ON THEIR MICROPHONES THE
ENTIRE TIME.
AND, JON.
A. YOU GOT TO GET SOME -->> Step JON.
I'M TRYING TO DO THE MONOLOGUE.
YOUR MIC IS ON.
THIS IS LIVE.
>> Jon: YEAH, I KNOW IT IS.
IT'S GOING GREAT, I THINK.
I WAS REALLY JUST TRYING TO SEE IF YOU WANTED TO GET SOMETHING
TO EAT AFTER THIS.
( LAUGHTER )
WOULD BE GREAT ONCE ALL OF THAT CLEARED UP, MADDOW ASKED JAY
INSLEE ABOUT HIS CENTRAL CAMPAIGN TOPIC-- CLIMATE CHANGE.
>> WE'RE HERE IN MIAMI, WHICH IS ALREADY EXPERIENCING SERIOUS
FLOODING ON SUNNY DAYS AS A RESULT OF SEA LEVEL RISE.
DOES YOUR PLAN SAVE MIAMI?
>> YES.
( LAUGHTER )
BIGGEST SOFTBALL A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE CAN HOPE FOR.
"I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS, I BELIEVE THE PEOPLE OF THIS
GREAT CITY SHOULD NOT DROWN!
NO, I-- I DON'T!"
AND WHILE THEY WERE TALKING CLIMATE CHANGE, JOHN DELANEY DID
HIS BEST TO YANK THE SPOTLIGHT OVER TO HIS CORNER.
>> I INTRODUCED THE ONLY BIPARTISAN CARBON TAX BILL--
>> 30 SECONDS.
>> Stephen: "AND THAT'S WHY I LOST MY CONGRESSIONAL SEAT,
RACHEL.
CARD ON THE TABLE, GUYS.
I NEED THIS JOB.
I'M SORRY!
I SAID I WOULDN'T CRY.
I JUST..."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TULSI GABBARD AND TIM RYAN GOT INTO IT OVER NATIONAL SECURITY.
>> THE REALITY OF IT IS IF THE UNITED STATES ISN'T ENGAGED, THE
TALIBAN WILL GROW.
WE HAVE GOT TO HAVE SOME PRESENCE THERE--
>> THE TALIBAN WAS THERE LONG BEFORE WE CAME IN.
THEY'LL BE THERE LONG BEFORE WE LEAVE.
>> EXACT-- THEY WERE.
>> WE CANNOT KEEP U.S. DEPLOYING TO AFGHANISTAN THINKING WE'RE
GOING TO SOMEHOW SQUASH THIS TALIBAN THAT HAVE BEEN THERE.
>> I DIDN'T SAY SQUASH THEM.
I DIDN'T STAY SQUASH THEM.
WHEN WE WEREN'T IN THERE THEY STARTED FLYING PLANES INTO OUR
BUILDINGS.
>> THE TALIBAN DIDN'T ATTACK US ON 9/11.
AL QAEDA DID.
THAT'S WHY I AND SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE JOINED THE MILITARY TO GO
AFTER AL QAEDA, NOT THE TALIBAN.
>> Stephen: TULSI, TIM, PLEASE, DON'T FIGHT!
YOU'RE BOTH NOT GOING TO BE PRESIDENT!
PLEASE, JUST--
TIM RYAN IDENTIFIED WHAT HE THOUGHT WAS THE BIGGEST THREAT
BUT HAD A CONFUSING EXPLANATION WHY.
>> CHINA, WITHOUT A QUESTION, THEY'RE WIPING US AROUND THE
WORLD.
( LAUGHTER )
BEST CLIP THAT SOUNDS LIKE IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN BLEEPED GOES
TO... TIM RYAN FOR "THE WEIRD THING ABOUT CHINA WIPING US."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEN IT WAS TIME FOR CLOSING STATEMENTS.
AND IT DID NOT GO GREAT FOR JOHN DELANEY.
>> IT'S TIME NOW FOR CLOSING STATEMENTS.
EACH CANDIDATE HAS 45 SECONDS.
WE WANT TO BEGIN WITH FORMER CONGRESSMAN DELANEY.
>> I'M CLOSING NOW?
( LAUGHTER )
OH, JOKING NOW?
IT'S NOT EASY TO BE HILARIOUS AND HEARTBREAKING AT THE SAME
TIME.
BRAVO, SIR.
AND CASTRO CLOSED WITH THE NIGHT'S BIGGEST BILINGUAL
ZINGER.
>> AND ON JANUARY 20, 2021, WE'LL SAY ADIOS TO DONALD TRUMP.
>> Stephen: STRONG WORDS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) STRONG WORDS.
POWERFUL STATEMENT.
I GOTTA SAY, A VERY POWERFUL STATEMENT.
IF ONLY BETO O'ROURKE WOULD TRANSLATE WHAT THAT MEANS.
( LAUGHTER )
TONIGHT, EVERYBODY.
FOR REACTION TO TONIGHT'S DEBATE I WILL BE JOINED BY ALEXANDRIA
OCASIO-CORTEZ.
AND THEN "MEANWHILE."
STICK AROUND EVERYBODY.