336.) How To Reconnect With Your Ex After No Contact
Hello ladies and gentlemen, I am Brad Browning, YouTube’s #1 breakup coach and best-selling
author. This video is going to be all about how to re-connect with your ex after a period
of No Contact ends. It’s a critical time in the process of starting over with an ex
-- you need to get started on the right foot after No Contact ends -- so in this video
I’ll explain how to properly reach out and start talking to your ex again in order to
get them back.
Obviously before you can put the tips and strategies I’m going to talk about into
practice, you do need to finish a period of No Contact. For most people, that’s going
to be around 30 days or so, although sometimes you may need to go slightly shorter or longer
than that depending on the situation. If you only do a half-assed job of No Contact or
you don’t stick to it for long enough, you’re not going to have as much success with re-connecting
and using the tips I’ll be sharing in a minute. So don’t skip out on No Contact
or think you can use the tips and messages I cover in this video without employing No
Contact first, they won’t work as well or maybe at all.
Also, before you do start reaching for your phone to contact your ex, please take my free
quiz at BreakupBrad.com/Quiz and read over the personalized recommendations that you’ll
see on the results page. These will give you an idea of whether your period of No Contact
was long enough, and what kind of mindset your ex is in to gauge how likely they are
to respond positively when you reach out. Take the quiz for free after this video is
over at BreakupBrad.com/Quiz.
With that out of the way, let’s talk about how to reach out to your ex once your period
of No Contact is over. First of all, how should you contact them? Call? Text? Messenger pigeon?
Most of the time it’s best to send your ex a text message or whatsapp / instagram
message… use whatever messaging app you normally did when you were together. Texting
allows you to think about what you want to say in advance, and ensures you actually do
write exactly what you want to say… you can take time to think it over and you won’t
find yourself caught off guard if you ex says something unexpected, which is a definite
possibility with a phone call or in-person meeting.
Texting is also best because it’s casual and non-threatening. Since you haven’t spoken
to your ex in quite a while at this point, a random phone call from you is going to come
across as suspicious on your ex’s part. They might not pick up at all, worried that
you’re calling to try and convince them to give you another chance… or they might
just be busy when you call. It’s just likely that calling or showing up in person will
set off alarm bells or come across as too strong, so stick to texting or messaging where
possible. Don’t worry though, because you will be using these first messages to break
the ice and set up a future call or ideally an in-person meet up…. It’s just important
to start slow and non-threatening to break the ice.
4 Rules For The First Messages To Your Ex
When your period of No Contact is over, and you’re ready to start thinking about what
to say in your first message to your ex, there are a few things to keep in mind. I can’t
stress how important these tips are -- you MUST follow them if you want to ensure your
message is well-received and achieves what you want it to.
Rule #1: Short and sweet. Do NOT send your ex a lengthy text or a series of 15 texts
in a row. Limit yourself to a few sentences at most, and don’t expect or aim to use
this text to open a full-blown conversation. You’re breaking the ice here, not trying
to win them back in a single message. Definitely don’t try to do too much, and always keep
it brief.
Rule #2: Positive and fun. Do NOT use the initial messages to your ex after No Contact
to talk about anything serious or anything related to the breakup or your relationship.
Your period of No Contact helped your ex let go of negative memories and negative aspects
of your relationship, and bringing up old drama or getting into a serious talk about
things is just going to remind them of the problems that led to your breakup. Think about
it this way: if your message is likely to make your ex smile, laugh, or feel good…
it’s a good message. If it’s going to bring up any old drama, bore them, or make
them suspect you’ve got ulterior motives, it’s bad. Later in the video here I’ll
share examples of some good messages, so stick with me for some ideas on what to say in this
first message.
Rule #3: Don’t get dragged into anything. If your ex replies to your first message after
No Contact, you’re probably going to be pretty excited. You may be tempted to immediately
respond to their response, and start a back-and-forth conversation. This is not something you really
want to do at this point. In some rare cases you may be able to respond a few times if
things are really going well and your ex is into it, but this is usually not a good idea.
Whatever you do, don’t reply immediately to your ex’s messages. If they respond to
your first text right away, wait an hour or two before you respond again (if you need
to reply at all). And as we already mentioned, don’t let yourself get dragged into any
serious conversations or drama.
Rule #4: Have a legitimate reason to contact them. This one is the simplest, but also the
most important. Don’t message your ex unless you can come up with some kind of plausible
reason for contacting them. That means you don’t want to just say “hey hows it going”
or “what have you been up to” or anything like that… I think that should already be
obvious from the first 3 rules I already mentioned, but I want to stress it again. And when I
say you should have a “legitimate reason”, that doesn’t necessarily need to be difficult.
As you’ll see from the example messages I’m going to cover shortly, something as
simple as finding a funny meme online that your ex will appreciate is enough of a reason
to message them. Or, it can be because you have a question you think they can help answer,
because you want to share an update to a situation that you talked with them about when you were
together, etc. Just don’t send them a pointless message that has no real value or reason to
respond.
Lastly, I should also mention that you always want to keep the overall objective of this
initial contact in mind. If you lose sight of your goal -- which is just to establish
a bit of friendly rapport with your ex and show them how well you’re doing since the
breakup -- you might be tempted to keep the conversation going, accidentally appear too
eager or too needy, or you might simply try to do too much too quickly and have to re-start
another period of No Contact for a week or two before you can try again.
3 Example Messages To Send Your Ex After No Contact
The only person who can really think of a good message to send your ex -- one that will
make them laugh, smile, or want to hear from you again -- is you. You know your ex best,
and you know what’s going to achieve that. But, I’m going to give you 3 example messages
to spark your imagination and give you some inspiration. Adapt them to your situation
and personalize them for your ex, obviously.
Example Message #1: The Meme Text. This one is simple -- you just need to scour
Reddit, Instagram, Tik Tok, etc and find a a really good meme that reminds you of a memorable
moment you shared with your ex… and then share it with him or her. You could say something
like… “Does THIS remind you of anything?” -- and then just send the photo.
This is particularly effective if you’re worried your ex may not respond or may not
want to hear from you yet. By sending a funny meme, it’s clear that you’re just sharing
it to make them smile or laugh, and that a reply isn’t necessary if they’re not ready
for it yet. It also has almost zero chance of backfiring. The only challenge is finding
a suitable meme or funny video that your ex will understand and appreciate…. But, it
is a good message that’s often quite effective at laying the groundwork for future conversations
in a non-threatening way.
Example Message #2: The Guru Text. This one might not necessarily make your ex
smile or laugh when they read it, but it’s still a great choice that your ex is very
unlikely to be suspicious of. In fact, it actually has the added benefit of stroking
their ego a bit, as well as giving you something to talk to them about later, which you can
use to contact them again down the road as a legitimate follow-up.
Anyway, the Guru Text just involves asking your ex a question about a topic they’re
knowledgeable about or passionate about. Maybe they play the piano, and you’ve been learning
to play -- ask them where to find the best video tutorials online to learn new songs.
Or maybe they’re a physiotherapist, and you want to ask if physio treatments can help
with your ongoing wrist problems. Or even send them 2 photos of different paint colours
and ask which they think would look best for the walls of your new home office.
Try to pick a topic they’re knowledgeable and passionate about, and try to make it obvious
you’re genuinely looking for their input because you respect their opinion and expertise.
If you can tie in a little mystery into your message by leaving out some details or leaving
the door open to potentially turning this into a longer, in-person conversation later.
Example Message #3: The Inside Joke Update Text.
Finally, this is what I call the Inside Joke Update message… for this one, you need to
think of something that you and your ex talked about quite a bit when you were together.
For example, maybe there was a crazy lady who used to walk past your house late every
night singing to herself, and it became a running inside joke between the two of you.
Well, now is a good time to update your ex on that crazy singing lady since the breakup.
For example, you could say… “Remember Crazy Opera Singer Lady? You won’t believe
this, but I just ran into her at the subway station this morning, and she was performing
with a BAND… a full band, and they weren’t even bad. No idea why she’s so awful singing
at 3am!”
Obviously, this example sounds super cheesy when I say it aloud here, but when you can
come up with something your ex will understand and appreciate, it works really well and almost
never backfires. The key is to make sure you pick something that your ex will actually
remember, and want to hear about… and ideally, it should be true if possible, because lying
can get you into trouble later on if your ex finds out. You may need to exaggerate slightly
to make it sound more interesting, although I always recommend being as truthful as possible.
Now, those are 3 examples. If you need more help coming up with messages that will make
your ex smile, laugh, and want to respond to… you can either sign up for my Ex Factor
program right now to see a number of additional examples that are included in the program,
or you can sign up for my 1-on-1 coaching so we can talk things over and come up with
a plan and a message that will actually help you get them back. Learn about coaching and
see my availability at BreakupBrad.com/Coaching. I’ll put links to both coaching and the
Ex Factor program in the description below.
Next Steps After You’ve Re-established Initial Contact
While most of what I’ve covered in this video is focused on the first message you
send to your ex after No Contact -- which is often the hardest and most important -- most
of the same rules also apply to future communication with your ex thereafter. So, just because
your first message went over well and your ex responded positively, that doesn’t mean
you should start spamming them or jump right into serious talks about getting back together
or anything remotely like that.
Slow and steady wins the race, and ALL of your contact with your ex needs to be positive
and enjoyable for them. No arguments, drama, jealousy, and so on… just conversations
that are interesting, friendly, upbeat, and fun. Think back to the early days with your
ex, when you had just started dating or were still getting to know one another. Back then,
you didn’t bicker or talk about the future of your relationship… you just had fun together,
flirted, and enjoyed one another’s company. If you can re-create that type of atmosphere
in the first few weeks after re-establishing contact with your ex, you’ll be well on
your way to winning them back for good.
I can’t stress enough how important it is that you always show your ex a good time when
you’re texting back and forth, meeting in person, or chatting on the phone… your goal
is to flirt, build sexual tension, and make them laugh and smile as much as possible.
The more they see you being positive, making them laugh, and just generally being the person
they fell in love with back in the beginning of your relationship… the more they’ll
remember how good those early days were, and why they fell for you in the first place.
Make them want to be around you, talk to you, flirt with you… and they’ll be powerless
to stop themselves from feeling attracted to you again, and eventually cave in to those
feelings and ask to take you back.
At first, your communication after No Contact is likely to be via text messages, and that
can continue for a few weeks if necessary… but the goal should be to use those chats
and back-and-forth messages to get to a point where you can meet up with them in person
for a ‘coffee date’. You need to wait until they’re going to say yes when you
suggest that kind of meet up, and you should again have a legit-sounding reason why you
want to see them in person, but that should be the goal moving forward. Texting is great,
and re-establishing a positive connection with those early messages is going to help
you set the stage for an in-person meeting. That’s when you really crank up your flirting,
and turn one meet-up into a second one, and then a third one where you end up back at
your ex’s place for Netflix and chill…
For a lot of my clients, those first messages and getting to the point where you can meet
up in person to flirt and build sexual tension are the hardest part, which is why that’s
what I’ve been focusing on in this video. For more advice on what to do when you’re
seeing your ex in person again, or how to ‘close the deal’ and turn in-person hangouts
into a real relationship again, please go to breakupBrad.com and watch my full free
tutorial video. If you haven’t learned enough from that video on my website, come back here
to my channel on YouTube and search for videos on meeting up with your ex and convincing
them to take you back.
I’m going to wrap this video up here, but I hope you’ve learned enough to feel confident
when messaging your ex after No Contact ends… and if you follow the advice I’ve covered,
you’ll be in good shape. As always, feel free to sign up for my 1-on-1 coaching to
get personalized help, or leave a comment below if you’ve got a quick question for
me. Thank you so much for watching, don’t forget to like and subscribe, and I’ll see
you again soon!