♪
>> Greg: A DIPLOMA SHE COULDN’T
GET SO SHE COPIED JUSSIE
SMOLLETT
>> A COLLEGE STUDENT IN
PENNSYLVANIA, THEY HAVE THEM
THERE APPARENTLY ALLEGEDLY FAKED
HER OWN ABDUCTION TO HIDE THE
FACT SHE FAILED TO GRADUATE.
PEOPLE HERE DO THE SAME THING
WHENEVER THEY GET BOOKED ON
JESSE WATTERS PRIME TIME.
OH, I HAVE A LEAK IN MY
BATHROOM, I CAN’T COME IN.
THE 23 YEAR OLD PENN STATE
DROPOUT WAS REPORTED MISSING
LAST MONDAY FROM THE SONIC
RESTAURANTS WHERE SHE WORKED.
WHICH IS CRAZY, CALLING SONIC A
RESTAURANT.
BUT 20 HOURS LATER, THE POLICE
FOUND HER SAFE AND SOUND. A A
FRIEND’S HOUSE.
INITIALLY THEY THOUGHT SHE HAD
BEEN ABDUCTED BY A HOMELESS
DRIFTER.
[LAUGHTER]
>> Greg: SO AFTER THE COPS TOOK
HER IN FOR QUESTIONING SHE BEGAN
PAINTING A PICTURE SO ABSURD
EVEN HUNTER BIDEN COULDN’T SELL
IT.
SHE CLAIMED TO HAVE BEEN
KIDNAPPED FROM HER CAR A REMOTE
ROAD TIED UP ASSAULTED AT
GUNPOINT FROM A MAN IN THE MASK.
THEN AFTER THAT THE GUY JUST
DROPPED HER OFF NEAR HER HOUSE.
ACTUALLY ACCORDING TO HER
DESCRIPTION THE GUY LOOKED
REALLY CREEPY.
POLICE SAY SHE EVENTUALLY
ADMITTED TO MAKING THE WHOLE
THING UP MOST LIKELY BECAUSE HER
PARENTS THOUGHT SHE WAS GRADUATE
IN A FEW DAYS.
TURNS OUT SCHOOL OFFICIALS
CONFIRMS SHE HADN’T EVEN BEEN A
STUDENT FOR ALMOST TWO YEARS.
I KNOW, HUH?
SHE’S SINCE BEEN CHARGED WITH A
MULTITUDE OF CRIMES INCLUDING
FALSE ALARM TO PUBLIC SAFETY
DISORDERLY CONDUCT AND
OBSTRUCTION OF GOVERNMENT
FUNCTION.
IF CONVICTED SHE COULD BE
SENTENCED TO ANOTHER THREE YEARS
OF WORKING AT SONIC.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Greg: MICHAEL, WHAT’S YOUR
METHOD OF HIDING YOUR MANY
FAILURES?
>> Michael: COMEDY IN JEAN
JACKETS.
>> Greg: YOU KNOW WHAT I JUST
NOTICED?
SHE’S GETTING CHARGED WITH WAY
MORE STUFF THAN JUSSIE SMOLLETT.
HE TRIED TO START A RACE WAR AND
BASICALLY PLANNED THIS WHOLE
THING, ALL SHE DID WAS MAKE AN
EMBARRASSING LIE.
>> I JUST DIDN’T GO TO SCHOOL.
>> Greg: WELL NOW THE LAW’S
GOING TO COME AFTER HER.
THIS IS A HEART WARMING TALE
REALLY.
IT’S LIKE THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE
HOME, YOU WERE THERE THE WHOLE
TIME.
LIKE WIZARD OF OZ.
SHE STARTED AT SONIC SUPPOSED TO
GO TO COLLEGE BLEW THAT OFF, AND
THEN HAD TO RECREATE THAT LIE.
IT’S LIKE IF YOU WORKED AS HARD
ON YOUR STORY AS DID YOU IN
COLLEGE YOU WOULD BE DOING GREAT
IN COLLEGE.
NO, SHE SUCKS AT THAT, TOO.
SO NOW SHE’S BACK AT SONIC,
RIGHT?
YOU WERE THERE THE WHOLE TIME.
>> WHERE SHE BELONG.
MAKES ME FEEL GOOD
>> Greg: KAT HAVE YOU EVER
SEATEN AT SONIC.
>> Johnny: YES.
>> Greg: WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT
IT?
>>
>> Kat: I DON’T KNOW IF I LIKE
IT, I GUESS IT WAS THERE.
>> Greg: HAVE YOU EVER THE IDEA
OF CREATING SOME ELABORATE HOAX
TO GET OUT OF SOMETHING.
I HAVE ACTUALLY I’M NOT JOKING
I’VE COME UP WITH A FEW
>> Kat: THIS IS SO DUMB.
THIS STORY I’M GOING TO START
SENDING IT TO PEOPLE WHEN THEY
ASK ME IF I HAVE CHILDREN.
IMAGINE YOU SACRIFICE ALL THIS
FOR A KID THAT HE WINDS UP BEING
STUPID, NOT JUST STUPID BUT SO
STUPID IT GARNERS NATIONAL MEDIA
ATTENTION.
IF YOU’RE TRYING TO HIDE
SOMETHING MAYBE DON’T DO
SOMETHING THAT’S GOING TO GARNER
A POLICE INVESTIGATION INTO YOU.
I MEAN, DID SHE REALLY THINK
THAT THE PARENTS WERE GOING TO
BE LIKE, OH, SHE GOES TO THIS
COOL AND THE SCHOOL NO SHE
DOESN’T.
SHE COULD HAVE JUST SAID SHE HAD
FOOD POISONING.
COPS DON’T GO THERE.
>> Greg: OR STOMACH FLUE BECAUSE
PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO GET NEAR
YOU.
>> I ALWAYS SAY EXPLOSIVE
DIARRHEA.
>> YOU DO YOU.
>> Greg: BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE
DON’T ADMIT THAT KIND OF DETAIL
INS IT’S ASKING AND NO ONE’S
GOING TO FOLLOW UP A FOLLOW UP
QUESTION.
HI EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA AND, OH.
>> WITH THAT YOU HAVE TO DO A
VOICE.
THAT’S WHY I STILL GO WITH I GOT
’RONA, TWO WEEKS OFF DON’T EVEN
HAVE TO DID A FAKE INVOICES.
>> LAST TIME EXPLOSIVE WAS THAT
CHOSE TO MY ASS AND THINGS WENT
REALLY BAD.
[LAUGHTER].
>> Johnny: BUT ALSO, IF YOU
CLAIM THAT YOU’VE GOT A BATHROOM
PROBLEM, DOESN’T TRIGGER A
POLICE INVESTIGATION.
THAT’S KIND OF THE PROBLEM.
>> Greg: OR DOES IT.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ONE OF YOUR
KIDS DID THIS?
YOU’VE GOT KIDS, RIGHT.
>> NO, THEY WOULD NEVER -- YEAH.
THEY WOULD NEVER DO IT.
THEY ARE TOO BUSY.
THEY HAVE TOO MUCH GOOD STUFF
GOING ON.
>> KID MIGHT GO A YEAR AND A
HALF WITHOUT GOING TO COLLEGE
AND YOU WOULDN’T KNOW IT.
>> I TOTALLY WOULD NOT KNOW.
I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW OLD THEY
ARE.
AND ONE YEAR --
>> I’M NOT MAKING THIS UP.
ONE YEAR IT FELL TO ME TO ENROLL
OUR YOUNGEST CHILD IN HIS FIRST
DAY OF CLASS AND I ENROLLED HIM,
NOT ONLY WRONG CLASS, THE BEYOND
GRADE.
>> THAT MEANS YOU’RE A GOOD DAD
BECAUSE THAT’S STUFF MOM SHOULD
DO.
>> DIVISION OF LABOR.
>> Greg: OR THE TWO DADS.
HEY, WE’RE PROGRESSIVE HERE.
I IDENTIFY AS A MOM, SO THERE.
I DON’T EVEN HAVE THE KIDS.
>> I DID NOT KNOW YOU DID YOUR
OWN LAUNDRY.
[LAUGHTER]
>> Greg: LAST WORD TO YOU JOEY
YOU ALREADY MADE A BOMB JOKE SO
I CAN’T GO THERE.
>> YEAH.
>> Greg: I HONESTLY HAD -- I
FAKED A FAMILY EMERGENCY TO GET
OUT OF THE DEBATE.
I WAS ON ROAD IF DALTON STATE
COLLEGE, FROM ADULT TON GEORGIA,
NOTHING TO POLLUTE THERE.
I WAS GOING TO FAIL MISERABLY
FOR NEVER SHOWING UP TO CLASS.
SO I WALKED TO THE MALL AND
THERE WAS THIS DUDE IN A BLOWN
ONFORM AND I SIGNED ON THE AT
THAT TIMED LINE AND MY ASS GOT
HAULED OFF TO PARIS ISLAND.
IF YOU COULD JUST DISAPPEAR FOR
A DAY, I WOULD HAVE NEVER BECOME
A MARINE.
SO I CAN IMPA THIGH WITH A
STUPIDITY I WAS TOO UNTIL I
BECAME A MARINE BUT THE REAL
IDIOT HERE IS THE BOYFRIEND.
BECAUSE APPARENTLY SHE TOLD HER
BOYFRIEND SHE WAS ABDUCTED AND
HE BELIEVED IT, TOO.
SO IF YOU BELIEVE THAT, THE
REALLY FIT GUY WHO SAYS IS HER
TRAINER IS NOT HER TRAINER.
YOU NEED ON THINK ABOUT IT.
>> WOW, REALLY?
>> YEAH, YEAH AND THOSE PICTURES
HE SENT.
>> Greg: HE ALWAYS OFFERS TO
MAKE THE BED.
IT’S WEIRD.
>> Johnny: IT’S NOT THE
DEFINITION ON THE WORKOUTS.