- It's the 4th of July,
that time of year when Americans who don't watch MSNBC
celebrate the nation's birthday.
But no matter who you are, every American loves to celebrate
in the stupidest way possible, by blowing shit up.
(patriotic music) (fireworks exploding)
Yeah, I'm talking about fireworks.
It's a tradition that goes back to when the founding fathers
filled the Liberty Bell with M80's
which is how it got that crack.
Look it up.
But believe it or not, setting off bombs for fun
can also be dangerous
and most people are too stupid to realize it.
- [Announcer] According to the CPSC, in 2018,
more than 9,000 were injured in fireworks related incidents.
The majority in a 30 day period around July 4th.
- [Reporter] The UPMC Mercy Burn Center,
the Burn Prevention Network and the city of Pittsburgh
partnered up to show just how dangerous
fireworks can really be.
- [Demonstrator] Three, two, one.
(explosion)
- Watch what happens to this child mannequin
who's holding mortar rounds.
The kind of mortar rounds you can buy
at a fireworks stand in many states.
Watch what happens when we light the fuse.
It takes about six seconds for him to get out of the way
and the blast can be significant.
(explosion)
- Okay, look, if little Timmy over here
is dumb enough to tape fireworks to his hands,
then he probably wasn't gonna survive that long anyway,
but he's not alone.
Fireworks are basically a trap
that humans fall for every year.
It seems like a great idea.
Oh wow.
Colors in the sky.
Next thing you know,
you're learning how to brush your teeth with your feet.
By the way, can we leave watermelons out of this?
I feel like half the global crop gets wasted
on these stupid safety videos.
I mean, if you're gonna blow up a fruit,
at least do the world a favor and go with a honeydew.
That shit's disgusting.
Now it will be bad enough
if people were just burning themselves with fireworks.
But part of this tradition is burning everything else too.
- [Reporter] Fireworks season is the most stressful
for firefighters.
According to the most recent data
from the National Fire Protection Association,
fireworks were to blame for an estimated 19,500 fires
reported to local fire departments nationwide in 2018.
- The National Safety Council says fireworks are to blame
for, get this, more than 18,000 acres worth of wildfires
each year, including 1300 structure fires,
300 vehicle fires, and nearly 17,000 other fires.
And the Department of Forestry and Fire Management
goes so far to say fireworks should never be used
regardless of the time of year.
- Okay.
You know, your celebration of America is stupid
when it looks exactly like a terrorist attack on America.
There shouldn't be this much overlap
between an ISIS operation and your family barbecue.
Fireworks are causing 18,000 acres
of wildfires every year.
That's messed up for the environment
and it's also not fair, okay?
No way I'm gonna keep drinking through a paper straw
while some guy's Roman candle
is burning down the last Redwood tree.
And the thing about fireworks is that even when they work
like they're supposed to,
they're basically torture devices
for the only thing stupider than humans.
Dogs.
- This 4th of July holiday,
roughly one pound of fireworks will be set off
for every man, woman and child in America.
And around the country,
there will be thousands of dogs freaking out about it.
The sounds of the explosions and the vibrations
can really spook your pooch.
- [Reporter] We found videos all over social media
of dogs freaking out.
This giant pooch is terrified by loud fireworks
and needs to be cuddled to calm down.
This poor little guy found a strange place to hide,
climbing into the fridge.
- [Dog Owner] Are you afraid of the fireworks?
- [Reporter] A similar scene at this household
as a dog finds sanctuary in the dryer.
- Good luck in there, Fido.
If you think fireworks are scary,
wait until someone bumps into the permanent press button.
But look at what fireworks have done to our dogs.
These things used to be wolves, and now they're in therapy.
If you think I'm exaggerating, look at this.
- [Announcer] Todd hates fireworks.
Almost as much as Max hates fireworks.
Adaptil is clinically proven to help dogs cope
around fireworks time.
Find out more at adaptil.com.
- Yeah, they had to put actual pharmaceutical research
into solving canine firework anxiety.
We could have had a cure for cancer by now
if you weren't launching surface to air missiles
in your backyard.
And as much as this is messing with dogs,
who I really feel bad for is birds.
Dogs are getting designer drugs to help them relax.
Meanwhile, birds up in the sky
dodging rainbow balls of fire,
and nobody gives a shit because they can't play fetch.
So fireworks are dangerous, they're destructive
and they're ruining our dogs.
But luckily there's one piece of good news
this 4th of July.
- America's facing yet another shortage.
This one might affect your 4th of July.
The fireworks industry is warning
the supply ahead of Independence Day
will be down about 30% because of supply chain issues.
Shoppers can expect a more limited selection,
higher prices or empty shelves.
- Thank you broken supply chain.
I knew you'd finally pay off one day.
All those months of wiping my ass with printer paper
were worth it.
So yeah, fewer morons than usual
will be able to buy fireworks this year
and the ones that do will be paying extra
for the opportunity to blow their fingers off.
And if you ask me that's something worth celebrating.
(fireworks exploding)
Ah shut the (beep) up.